Social Faux Pas

You know immediately when you've made a social faux pas. Suddenly the room goes quiet; the person you've embarrassed goes whiter than Tom Cruise's teeth and, as drunk as you might be, you suddenly feel stone cold sober. Oops, you wedged your foot firmly in your mouth, and there's taking it back.
There's never an easy way to recover from a social faux pas. Some recommend apologising profusely, others say it's best simply to avoid the person you've just embarrassed for the rest of your life. Either way, with all the new-fangled rules and regulations, it's best just to know what not to say in the first place ...

PREGNANT WOMEN

When a woman is pregnant (or appears to be), it opens up a whole can of social faux pas-related worms. Are we allowed to ask if she's expecting? Broach the subject of breast-feeding? Reach out and do the mandatory belly rub? (Apparently we're never meant to do it without asking the mum-to-be first.) Pregnant women are particularly sensitive, hence you'd probably need an entire manual to learn all the social faux pas associated with her burgeoning belly.

1. Never, ever ask a woman if she is expecting. Even if she looks as large as a house and is as bloated as Marlon Brando, you are to ignore any signs of pregnancy entirely. There's nothing worse than being asked when you're due, and you're not. You've just put on some winter weight.
2. Don't ask a woman with a ticking biological clock if she ever wants to have children. She might actually not physically be able to have kids and you'll put your foot firmly in your mouth if this is the case.
3. If she has confirmed that she is pregnant, don't ask her if the pregnancy was planned or if it was a surprise. Or who's the father. A person's contraceptive methods are none of your business.

WOMEN AND WEIGHT

While men in relationships are all too aware of the consequences that might occur when their partner's weight is mentioned (which may include a lengthy sex strike), for some odd reason, many blokes still don't know the rules when it comes to talking about a female's weight. I'm here to warn you that the rules are quite simply this: don't go there. Don't mention anything to do with clothing looking tight, her face looking puffy or her thighs appearing like tree trunks. Oh, and her butt always looks small in everything, even if you think it doesn't ...

PARTY ETIQUETTE
When you're invited to a party bash and the invitation doesn't clearly state that you're allowed to bring a "plus one", then don't. Even if you don't know anyone who's going to be at the party, there might not be enough food, not enough seating or it might simply be an intimate social gathering strictly for invited friends and family. Alternatively, your uninvited guest might be on the hate-list of the host and you don't want either of them to be put in an awkward situation.

SINGLES

For some, being single brings about as much emotional confusion as that of a pregnant woman. Hence there are definitive guidelines and rules to follow when probing into their dating lives. Firstly, never ask them why they are single, if they want to get married or when they'll get married. In fact, if you want to avoid any awkward silences, don't bring up the words marriage, babies or commitment at all. In addition, never tell them that you think their ex was a bitch, slag or cad and you're glad they got rid of them, especially if you were friends with them during their union. They might just begin to wonder about your sincerity. Plus, if the couple ever get back together, you've got a whole other problem on your hands.

AGE
Never ask an adult their age. Or their weight while we're at it. Even if they pressure you to guess it, just don't do it. It's a trap and they'll remember your answer forever. (I know from first-hand experience.)

MALE TO MALE INTERACTION

According to the Wikipedia entry on "faux pas", men should not be so touchy feely with their mates. They need to "avoid body contact with other males beyond a handshake, a slap on the back or (in the case of younger men) rough-housing".

When it comes to bathroom etiquette, men should skip conversation and any eye contact, (you can "only nod or very shortly greet a co-worker with whom they would typically start a conversation"). They should also skip the urinal that is directly next to one being used by another man when an empty one down the back is available. Oh, and the answer about where to look is this: only stare straight ahead.