Falling in Love with Potential

"How can I tell the difference between falling in love with a person's 'potential' and falling in love with someone who I can have a true soul/heart connection with?"

This is such a good question because whether you are single, between relationships or are in a long-term
committed marriage or relationship, this question is one that many people face as they change, grow and move through their lives.

The typical scenario around this topic goes something like this...

You may like or love many (or a few) parts of the relationship with this person and you see glimpses every now and then of what it "could" be. But the truth of it is--you never seem to really feel that full potential realized. Something always seems to happen to stop or sabotage those good feelings and your relationship seems to always fall short of what it might be.

You also keep hanging in there because you just *know* that he or she can be better or be more than they are currently showing or giving you.
While every relationship is different, a few things could be going on...

1. If you are attracting partners who have a lot of "potential" but never fully come through, believe it or not, you may be setting yourself up for relationship failure because it serves your needs. You may be attracting these types of partners because that situation gives you an opportunity to "fix" someone else--and that is a comfortable role for you even though you may not realize it.

2. You may also be attracting someone with a lot of "potential" to you because deep in your heart, you don't feel that you deserve to be in a fully alive, growing relationship that serves your needs.

3. You may have blocks to receiving love.

4. You may have seen this dynamic in action when you were growing up and you are unconsciously imitating it.

Well--if you're saying right now, this is all about me--what about the other person who isn't fully living up to his/her potential?

Of course, it always takes "two to tango" in relationships and we recognize this. That's what relationships are about. But what we know for sure, nothing will change unless you start dealing with your part in whatever relationship dance is going on.
What we've discovered in our own past relationships and in relationships of our coaching clients are a couple of things about this issue...

1. Many people don't consciously pay attention and listen to the clues that they are given of the other person's true nature and core essence before they get deeply involved with them. Usually, if we ask our coaching clients who are in this situation, they will admit that they heard what they wanted to hear and didn't accept what the other person was saying.

 2. When faced with this issue in a long-term relationship where one person may have grown and the other chose not to grow in the same direction, many people hang on to what "could" be instead of what both people are actually wanting this relationship to be. People either hang on for years, living with feelings of longing for something better or waiting for the other person to end the relationship--or they choose to move on.

3. If you are saying to yourself "If only he'd be this way.."or any other "if only," it may be a smoke screen that is diverting your attention away from looking at your needs, confronting your situation and moving toward what you want.

In order to create closer, more connected relationships in your life, we encourage you to always be consciously moving toward what you want.

Here are a few suggestions for you to help you with this type of issue...
1. Step back and honestly assess your situation from a different perspective--as objectively as possible.
2. Ask yourself what you want in your relationship and from a partner. Take some time with this one and be honest with yourself.
3. Begin focusing on what you like, love and appreciate about this person as you are exploring both of your needs in the relationship.

Ask yourself some of these questions-
What do I love about my partner?
What's great about our relationship?
What does he/she brings to the relationship that no
one else has done before?

4. Ask what your partner truly wants. If you don't know, then ask. This can be a positive and extremely helpful conversation if you take your ego, preconceived ideas defending and all judgment out of your listening.

5. Talk about what you are both willing to do so that both of your needs are met. You'll learn a lot from this discussion.

6. Feel into your heart if you can have what you want with this person.
Being loved for who you are is the most wonderful gift you can receive and also that you can give.

I urge you to love honestly.