"the hottest love has the coldest end"

"It's not you, it's me," is just about one of the most hackneyed break-up lines ever to circle the dating block. Serial dumpers know it's the easy way out (there's not much you can argue back with); the dumpee knows it's just a way to cover up the real reason they're giving you the boot, and both parties realize 'the line' is simply the most painless way to save face. Of course it doesn't always pan out that way.

Not long ago I came face-to-face with a guy I once dated a couple of years back who had actually dumped me using 'the line'. At the time he complained he had "way too many work commitments to focus on a relationship", hence needed to end things, and fast. Naturally I was gutted and beat myself up over it for ages, concluding - thanks to the help of some very supportive girlfriends - that I had done nothing to incite the break up and his dumping excuse must have indeed been the truth; he was simply too busy for me.
When I ran into him again recently at a pub, I reminded him of the break-up. And that's when he finally admitted that the real reason was in fact me, and not him, after all.

"You were just too clingy," he quipped.
"So why did you lie to me?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Because I needed an excuse that wouldn't break your heart," he said. Which didn't work either...
As most of you know all too well, getting dumped feels like you've been gutted, the knife's been turned around a few times and your heart's been ripped out, to never be replaced unless the dumper takes back their painful words. And just when the physical pain subsides, that's when you suddenly realize there's no-one to snuggle with, no-one to bitch about your annoying colleague with and certainly no more regular sex.
Worst of all, instead of donning your slinkiest mini or slickest leather jacket for a night out boozing with your mates in attempt to get over being dumped, you're now stuck at home beating yourself up over what you did wrong, how you can go back in time and dump them first and are left aimlessly wondering when the heck you'll ever be able to face the heinous dating game again. (After all, why put yourself through it when you're just going to get dumped all over again?)

But what if you're the one who has to do the dumping? What if you're stuck in a hellish relationship from which you find impossible to get escape, and it appears you have no option other than to whip out the old one-liner?

I was surprised to discover that most of the dumpees I polled on the subject say it's a dumper's best bet to always tell the truth, no matter what the cost. "You don't want to tell them you're going travelling indefinitely, only to bump into them two weeks later at the grocery store!" scoffed one scorned ex who experienced this scenario first hand.

"Kill them with kindness," they say. And, "this is not a time for brutal honesty."
Their "rules of disengagement" include not telling the person you're dumping that you've never loved them, nor that you've met another "hottie" (who is more gorgeous than them) and would like to pursue things further. Oh no. By their reckoning, this is the one time in a relationship when white lies are indeed permissible.
Still confused over how to dump your new beau? Or how to give the flick to your long-term partner when things are no longer progressing the way you'd like them to be and they're giving you the old "marry me now" ultimatum? Yep, it's not easy telling someone it's time to say goodbye, especially when the notion of breaking up is as far away from their minds as possible.

Hence I've cobbled together some hopefully sensible break-up rules. Best of luck to those who are the ones that have to do the deed and if you're really feeling bad about it all then remember, as Socrates once said, "the hottest love has the coldest end" ...

Non-lame rules for dumping someone:

* Never send them a text
* Don't dump them in a voice message
* Don't dump them over Facebook or declare you're "no longer listed in a relationship" even before the person realises they've been dumped. (True story!)
* Don't dump them on the phone if the relationship lasted for more than two months
* Don't dump them in their favourite bar or restaurant or place to hang out, otherwise they'll have nowhere to go when they want to drown their sorrows and forget all about you
* Don't make small talk for too long - get straight to the break up point
* Don't think that by playing the disappearing game it means you've broken up. It doesn't
* Don't think having an affair means you're saved from doing the dumping either
* Don't dump them in a public place
* Don't dump them when you're drunk
* Don't expect them not to seek revenge.
* Don't dump them if you know they've got incriminating photos or video footage of you that could end up on the internet or circulating on the office email. Trust me, it's not worth it.

Have a fabulous weekend and happy dating!