Something we love to talk about when we teach strategies for stopping your jealousy when it comes up is the idea that...
"Your past doesn't equal your future."
OR
Said another way...
Your past doesn't have to equal your future (unless of course you want it to)...
Unfortunately, for some people, the past and what happened does seem to act as if it's on automatic repeat and "bad" things just keep repeating over and over.
Not good.
If you were hurt in the past in your relationships, you can start now to create the relationship and life that you want in your future.
We've seen it in our own lives and in the lives of hundreds of people we've worked with.
This statement of ours that we like to say "the past does not equal the future" is not just a nice, affirming statement meant to lift your spirits.
It's a very concrete way your reality can be.
But what if your present is just a repeat of what happened in your past?
What do you do then?
How do you get out of repeating the same thing over and over (especially about something like jealousy that can drive you crazy)?
Here's a question that you may have if you're in a similar situation...
"But what happens when you know for sure that the past IS equaling the future?"
For example:
If you've been cheated on in the past...
You can feel a lot of anger that once again you are being cheated on and it's just not fair.
You can also feel ashamed and wonder what's wrong with you that you can't get with someone who will be faithful to you.
We'll go back to the saying "Your past doesn't equal your future" and this time we'll amend it a little...
"Your past doesn't equal your future--but it WILL if you don't do anything about your present."
In other words, in order to change your future, you have to start doing what you've been afraid to do or certainly something different than before--and you may need to learn some new skills to do that.
To help you change your future about whether jealousy (or any other issue) is a part of your life or not as you move forward, here are a few ideas...
1. Sit down and take a very objective look at your relationships that haven't worked out, including your present one.
Look for what the challenges were and are, write them on paper and look for patterns.
Pretty soon it will become apparent what you need to learn or do differently.
It might be to pay attention to red flags sooner in the relationship--like your partner doesn't listen to you, obviously watches other women (or men) and compares you to them or whatever other red flag that tells you that this is not the partner for you.
For instance, write what you noticed early on in the relationship but ignored.
It might be something else like you agreeing when you really disagree and keeping your mouth shut to not create an argument.
Whatever it is, write it down and you'll start to see what you need to learn.
2. If you know that your current partner is cheating on you, gather your evidence and confront the issue..
You are worth more than to stay silent about cheating if your agreement is that you will be faithful to one another.
Find out if your partner is willing to do what it takes to regain trust.
3. If you have trouble speaking your truth, then learn how to communicate what's in your heart so that he or she will listen.
If this partner won't talk to you or listen, you'll need the new skills you learn to help you create a new relationship in the future that's based on honesty and truth.
4. If this partner keeps doing what he or she has been doing, with no regard for what you want--then it's time for you to make another, more empowered choice for your life.
Setting a limit and sticking to it can be the most powerful thing you can do to change your future.
Saying "yes" to you in the form of "I want something better for my future" is a place to start creating it.
Remember, if you don't change some things, nothing will change and you may just keep creating the same experience over and over.
Have the courage to start creating a different future for yourself--and it all starts with you!
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