How to stop missing someone and is it truly possible?

The other day a girlfriend of mine was reminiscing about her ex while valiantly trying to figure out what went wrong. "How come I only remember the good stuff about him?" she quipped. "I can't stop thinking that we had such a connection and I might not find that with someone else." (By the way, apparently the whole "sexual connection" thing is all just a farce men have fabricated to get into our pants - or so says the notorious film He's Just Not That Into You.)

She continued: "We had great phone conversations and such a good time together. I just miss him so much." Miss him? Or did she mean she missed the way his attention fed her ego while making her feel wanted, alive and sexy? Is that what she really craved?

"Well, maybe. But he says he regrets the break-up and wants me back. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all?"
If by "he wasn't so bad", she meant it wasn't so bad being berated in public, the possessiveness, the incessant put-downs, constant game-playing and him being rude to her friends, then perhaps she should take him back after all. But when I ventured this solution, suddenly she wasn't so sure. "What if I'm blocking myself off from meeting someone I could really care about?" Check. "What if the problems just got worse?" Check. "What am I supposed to do?" This time I was stumped ...

The sad thing is she's not alone. Many people constantly contemplate whether the break-up was in fact their fault; if they'll be able to "fix" what was broken, and spend their days craving and waiting for contact from their ex - who is probably out frolicking with the new love of their life and not giving two hoots about their hankering desperate ex. We all know this too. So why do we do it?

"The paradox of abandonment is the tendency to idealise the abandoner," writes Sue Anderson, founder of Abandonment.net. "He or she emerges in our imaginations as a powerful figure. We assume she must be very special to have caused this much torment simply by being absent. The intense craving is confusing to our limbic brain. Stress hormones course through our bodies, causing a heightened response to anything related to our ex for a long time. An important thing to understand is there are five universal stages that accompany the loss of love: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalising, Rage, and Lifting. As we make our way through these stages of grief and recovery, we build self-esteem, resolve fear and self-doubt and restore the spirit." Ah-huh.
When I put the question to a bunch of readers, no one recommended getting back together as a viable solution.

"Meet someone new, it's the only way," writes Bruno.

"Get yourself a makeover so you look and feel fabulous, and then remind yourself of what he has lost," quips Joanna Elizabeth Hall, author of 40 And Still Fabulous.

"What works for me is throwing a brick through their bedroom window," says Romel. "It makes it easier to move on."

Remarks Rafael: "Fill up your thoughts only with the bad things about the her/him and the relationship. If this doesn't make you forget, at least you will not have the desire to get back."

Michael concurs: "Too many people focus on ex's positives. List their negatives on a piece of paper until you realise that 'your just not into him or her' ".

And in case you're the type that continues to stalk, poke and trawl through endless photos of your ex, Davina has the ultimate solution: "Don't be Facebook friends with your ex until you are ready to move on. I mean for real."

Svetlana, however, says everyone is being a tad too drastic. "I would think maybe just accept, learn and move on. Cut ties for a while, if not for good. Focus on something new, learn a new language, volunteer, read! Every negative situation can be turned around into a positive one."

And Rob's advice? "Do some gardening: the act of pulling weeds and pruning is not only symbolic but also relaxing and therapeutic. If you don't have a garden and only potted plants then rearrange the pots or better still buy new pots and re-pot your flowers/herbs (whatever). There are also opportunities for volunteer gardening, you'll be doing something for other as well as yourself. A garden clean-up maybe hard work at times but it will keep your mind active on the task at hand and not allow you to entertain memories." Hmm.

My top tips? Try to avoid looking at photos of you two together, avoid places you used to hang out and delete their number from your phone so there is absolutely no chance in hell of a mistaken drink and dial. Accept that your ex is gone out of your life and they are not going to call you, no matter how many hours you stare at the phone or keep pressing "refresh" on your email. Oh, and quit comparing them to every other person you date and learn to find the positives in your new partner.

Now get to it!