My Soul Mate

To My Soul Mate who makes me complete and totally brimmed over of happiness...

I am writing you this letter but you will not read it from this blog, from anywhere else but from a handwritten one I will give you when we meet in each others arms together. You will read it as I cling to your arm and I will watch your reaction as you skim through every word, as I hope you take in every thought from it. After reading this, I will hug you, kiss you and thank you for sparing a few minutes for my sentiments regarding my waiting for your arrival for the past 28 years of my life.You see, I don’t believe that a lover can be my soulmate. My soulmate is a cat, a gray and white one with round, green eyes and a broken tail. I haven’t seen this cat either and it pleases me that I have both of you to look forward to meeting. It makes the days bearable as I am always one day closer to fulfilling my deepest desires. While I desire the material, the material is only a symbolism for the essence. Achievement and glory- I desire those but what I desire most is the symbolism of you and of the cat, a proof that I was never a lone traveler. A desire to be one with another. A desire to see myself through the eyes of the one whose estimation has reached the pinnacle of my being.I can never be sure that I have not crossed paths with you. If I have, forgive my ignorance. If I haven’t, well, hey there! Welcome to my garden.

I hope you enjoy your stay. If you shall leave, take the letter with you and know that I have written it especially for you and never for another. I have not written anything like it before and I don’t think I could ever do it again. It’s the first and the last of its kind because what I feel for you, I can never feel for another.But hold on. Do not mistake yourself for the one great love. I have said that countless times, I have called the man before you my great love, the love of my life. While that may have been true at a certain time in my life, I am a human being and I am subject to the constant flux of emotions and beliefs. I don’t want to pit you or any other man for that matter, against preceding and succeeding love affairs. What I feel for you is special and as such, it is incomparable. I think many of us would like to trick ourselves into believing that there can only be one person for each one of us. I don’t want to fool myself but more than that, I don’t want you to carry the burden of being “The One” as you are very free to go as you please. I don’t own you and you have no obligation to love me as much as I love you. I’ll appreciate what you can give me and I don’t want to make the mistake of expecting that I should get more than what you can offer me.I made a slip, didn’t I? By professing my love for you, I hope I didn’t make you feel ill at ease. But I want to say it, announce it to the world and let you know that I love you. I love you amidst the calls of practicality that such thing can never be possible. But I have this conviction that when we meet, I’ll know that it is you I have loved all my life. I’ve made a few mistakes in the past, I thought you were someone else but it is you, the man who in the present is without any form, the being who is walking parallel to my direction, hoping to see the end of the line as well, that deserves this letter.It is true that right now, you don’t have a form. But I borrowed a man’s shell and placed you inside him so that in my dreams I can touch you.

You are wonderful to touch and sometimes, I cry because you’re not here, right now. Waiting is painful and at times I get scared that you might never come. That is possible and if in my deathbed, you still have not come, I will let this letter fly and hope that you read it. You will read it because it will never, ever fly into someone else’s hand.But I firmly believe that we will meet. We have to because this is a desire of the being, a mission that shall be carried out at any cost. It does not stem from expediency, from superficial fear, from carnal wanting or from emotional amiss. It will happen just because. Like gravity, like matter, like breathing, it is the most natural thing in the world. Our meeting will signify the climax of the journey and whichever way it chooses to subside, it makes no difference to me. You and me, at the highest point, enveloped by each other’s presence, consummating what we have been deprived of our entire lives- that is the meaning of it all. That’s where it truly sums up.I regret that we didn’t meet sooner. When I look at the objective, manipulated timeline, I couldn’t help but feel that I have wasted a huge chunk of my moments on things I can never place inside me. I worry at times, when I’m being foolish, that I will never be good enough for you. Then again, you are wonderful and if you reject me, that is your prerogative and I know it’s not because something is wrong with me but because your being demands that when I try to stare into your eyes, you will lose focus and that you have reserved a similar letter for someone else. But if you will accept me, I will be inclined to believe that sometimes, even the damned gets rewarded. I like to believe that I have prepared well and that I have been molded to be the best version of me when we meet so as I can grace you with my purest self, the real self, the way the heavens have always intended a person to enter another person’s world. I think my mishaps had to exist so I can chip away my excesses and reveal the real me because you deserve nothing less and nothing more than the truth.Am I boring you yet? I apologize. Sometimes I talk way too much. I babble until I am sick of myself. If you get tired of me, shut me up by kissing me. That will do. I wonder what it will be like to be kissed by you. I’m not bent on romanticizing things but I feel that your kiss will heal me. That’s how big a presence you are. Although it scares me to pieces, I know that I will surrender to you. It is not wise to vest someone else with that kind of power but who said that I’ve ever been clever?Don’t be afraid. I know your imperfections. I know that your flaws surround your surface. I know about your nightmares and I’ve seen your dark shadow. But none of that will ever bother me because what you want removed, I can whisk away, dismiss as unimportant. It will not trouble us because I love you and I can not love you if I can not accept you. I accept everything because it’s you. How can it be otherwise? No circle has ever been this perfect.Ending this letter is quite a challenge for I still have so much more to say. I want to make you laugh and I want you to feel what I feel when I write this. I want you to believe that I spent years searching for words to say to you but those words will never be enough, will they? I know great minds will put everything better, will conjugate as precisely as engineers do their math, as masterfully as pianists bring their audience to their knees. But I am not any of those. I am just a woman, a simple, working woman who will always feel a sense of indebtedness to the universe for the chance to know you.

Know that I have never wanted to be anywhere else but at the receiving end of your gaze. Someday, everything will fall into their proper places and the wait will be over. All the emotions I kept hidden will burst into flames and warm us both.I have never believed anything else in my life. Never had I possessed this kind of faith on anything but our future encounter. Thank you for that kind of faith. Thank you for the strength to carry on with the plot, the kindness to admire the setting and the love to keep on writing this love letter.

" Don't ever find love, let Love finds you"