"Skinny is better"
Crystal Renn, in case you haven't heard of her, is the world's most successful plus-sized model. But it wasn't her fabulous derriere or bombshell curves that recently landed her on the front pages in a recent media storm. Oh no. Instead it's been more of a case of her lack of flesh that's landed a photographer in hot water, considering the photos she did for a recent fashion campaign were airbrushed within an inch of their once curvy life. The result? She's gone from a size 10 (an Australian size 14) to a miniscule size two without a single sit-up or celery stick in sight.
"That's not the message I want to give," she told the Daily Mail, after being pretty shocked at how the pictures turned out. "I don't want young women to think being thin is the only way to be beautiful. Beauty is not a pant size."
Renn has battled anorexia and problems with her weight for her entire life, so for her finally to be OK with her size and proud to flaunt it, only then to be undermined by the very people hiring her because of it (and then reneging on their decision by changing her body shape), isn't a good sign.
Yet in a world in which single women are indeed judged on their appearances and pant sizes do indeed play a major factor in what type of men you can attract (just you try going on RSVP or any dating website and putting "voluptuous" in your profile!), it seems that while some brave folk like to preach that big is better/healthier/more attractive, in reality we're still being judged on our figures and live in a society where thin beats big. At least if you want a second date.
"I don't care what anyone says, looks matter," a bloke told me the other day as I sat down to dinner with him. "If she's not hot, I don't date her."
His definition of hot?
"Thin. Goes to the gym." And what about healthy? "As long as she looks good, that's all that matters." Right...
"You must get married!"
Even worse than the pressure to be thin is the pressure for modern women to tie the knot with some bloke (any bloke!) as long as she does it before she's an old maid, her eggs have dried up and she's had to resort to talking to her cats in her spare time. So you can imagine the shock and horror of conservative types on discovering that our very own Prime Minister has decided to forego the institution of marriage altogether for something a little less mainstream.
"Heaven forbid our Prime Minister live in sin!" the media responded to the revelation that Julia Gillard is in a de facto relationship and - gasp! - is actually living under the same roof as her boyfriend.
The fact that she would dare to shun such an institution such as marriage (oh the shame!) is getting all sorts of folk into a tizzy. Their biggest gripe? The fear that women (and their daughters) might just use Gillard's example as a ticket to follow suit and live with a dude without a diamond on their ring finger.
Take Bettina Arndt for instance, who, in a column in the Herald, lampooned Gillard's lifestyle and said she feared Gillard's choice to co-habit with her beau would influence women for the worse.
"Her lifestyle choice may influence other women into making big mistakes about their lives," Arndt wrote. "Women's tiny reproductive window means they pay a high price for wasting precious breeding time in such uncertain relationships."
While I agree with her last point to a certain extent (and have experienced it first hand), who are we to judge what makes a good relationship and what doesn't? And who says that other women will follow suit just because Gillard is in power? Ardnt certainly does.
"If Gillard chooses to play house with Tim Mathieson in the Lodge, this choice sends a strong message to the huge numbers of women who rightly admire her and seek to follow her example … A lifestyle suited to her particular needs may be riskier for many women and their children."
I'm still undecided. Not about Gillard's decision (each to their own), but about the whole marriage thing versus living together with someone you love. True, living together is a risky decision. But so is marriage. Although not to one 24-year-old woman who told me yesterday that the minute she started dating her boyfriend (at age 20), she gave him an ultimatum - marry me or I'm out. "By 23 the pressure was on. I told him it's now or I move on. Why should I waste my 20s in a relationship that doesn't have a future? Where will that leave me when I'm 30?"
Having been in a relationship yourself for most of your 20s that fizzled out before you walked down the aisle, You couldn't help but wonder if her point actually had some merit. Or whether living together helps you decide that ultimately this person was never right for you all along ...
"Sex is for love, not enjoyment"
What about the notion of being able to enjoy casual sex when you're not even in any type of relationship? Opposition Leader Tony Abbot is opposed to the whole notion of pre-marital sex, describing virginity as ''the greatest gift you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving''. Nauseating indeed. (I wonder what Abbott has to say about Gillard's arrangement...)
Yet here's my gripe: While men seem to be able to bonk whoever they want whenever they want to their heart's content without judgment or labels, the fact that women are still judged for having sex for enjoyment or with a partner who hasn't yet given her a ring really shows just how far we've come ... which is not far at all.
True, sometimes it's a little degrading, you feel like an idiot when the guy doesn't call you the next day (or ever again) and you start to think that all men are bastards and perhaps our mothers were right - they might just be after one thing after all.
Nevertheless the great thing about being a modern woman is that we have choices, and those choices should be celebrated. We should be celebrating curvy bodies, sexual empowerment and not be afraid to live with a man before we get hitched, even if it's just to help us take out the garbage and pay the rent ...
What do you think?
Have a fabulous weekend and happy dating!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
What women don't like about single men
"Now you know why I'm still single," my thirty something girlfriend mused the other day as I complained about yet another disappointing date. "Single men are all the same," she continued. "I don't think I'm ever going to get married. And I'm OK with that. As long as I never have to date another douchebag again."
In last week's column, single men went to town over their complaints about single women, with gripes ranging from her being too picky to having too many pets to expecting to be paid for to too much baggage to being too precious about sex early on. ("What's the big deal?" say the men. "It's just sex!". Sure it is...)
Instead of countering the arguments, I've decided to try to analyse the men and discover just what it is about single men that gets a woman's knickers in a knot.
This is how it begins (or at least this is the scenario I witnessed the other night): When an announcement is made that there's a single bloke in the room, instead of trying to size him up for what he truly is or to create a list of all his bad points (like men so often do in the presence of a single girl), a woman will attempt to see the best in him. "He dresses nicely," she'll say. "So what does he do/how much money does he make/why is he still single?"
The answers (from those who know the bloke and from those who've dated him before) will come in fast and furious: "He's been married before/he cheated/he's a playboy/he doesn't want to commit … "
But this won't deter the single girl. Oh no. Instead, she'll be thinking just how delightful that all sounds and how eager she is to take on the challenge to change him.
Hence she'll go to town to try to get his attention (thrusting her bust out, showing a little leg, giggling at his jokes and getting incredibly drunk) while he sips on his Corona and puts her into a single girl category (the independent bitch, the desperate singleton or the non-dateable) sans a positive spin.
Yet here's the catch. While she desperately attempts to gain his attention now, wait till after a date (or two), a few unreturned phone calls and a slew of mixed messages when finally the rose-coloured glasses will slowly come off. And suddenly she'll be faced with everything that is wrong with the modern single man all wrapped up into one nice little (or big, depending what type of man you go for) package:
His ego
Boy, are men these days a sensitive bunch or what? Crush his delicate little ego and he'll either run for the hills or act out in some crazy way that will ensure you never consider him as future husband material again. The best way to crush a man's ego? Deny him sex. Whether it be on the first date or the seventh, many single men don't take lightly to being refused a little hanky panky. Even if they say they're OK with it. Even if they tell you they are keen to wait. Even if they deny the fact that they are only wining and dining you for one thing, you can bet your G-string their egos are going to take a thrashing.
That's not to say that you should jump into the sack with every man you want a second date with. Oh no. But perhaps deflecting his advances in a way that ensures his ego remains intact (by adding a compliment and telling him how much you like him but that you're just not ready) will ensure his ego isn't bruised too badly. And if he doesn't stick around, at least you discovered his true intentions sooner rather than later …
They give mixed messages
One minute they're holding your hand, gently kissing your forehead and inviting you to Hawaii, and the next they're telling you they don't want a girlfriend, aren't ready for a relationship and that you're coming on too strong. Say what!? While women are supposed to let the man take the lead in a relationship, leave it up to the gents and you're guaranteed to be bombarded with a bevy of mixed messages that screw with your head and leave your more perplexed than a Martin Scorsese movie. While men purport to be simple creatures who say it like it is, ask any single woman and she'll be quick to quip that single blokes are so darn confusing that they wish they'd come with an instruction manual.
They are set in their ways
When a man is single long enough, something extremely selfish happens inside his head. The word "compromise" is deleted from his lexicon and life becomes about his way or the highway.
Sure, he will tell you he likes to try new things and isn't opposed to hanging out with your gay BFF, but, at the end of the day, the older men get the less likely they are to change their scheduled weekly poker nights, the way they eat, dress, lie on the couch or let their dog sleep in their bed (even when you sleep over.)
And if you dare even try to suggest they do things a little differently, they'll complain that you're trying to change them, chuck a hissy fit and then tell their mates that you're just not the right woman for them no matter how good you looked at their cousin's wedding.
They are obsessed with their ex (or the one who broke their heart)
I don't care about the fact that men say they're unemotional creatures who move on after a breakup faster than a speeding crawfish. The reality is that men are more sensitive than they let on. If they've endured heartache or ego-bruising by an ex, you are going to pay for it ... as will every other future girlfriend.
In the past few weeks alone I've had one man tell me that if his "darling, sweetheart, good girl" ex-girlfriend managed to break his heart, how could he ever trust another woman again? I've had another man tell me that he was so scared of getting heartbroken again that he dumped his recent girlfriend who he dubbed the "perfect girl" two months into the relationship. She never saw it coming.
So unless you're dating a dude who has recently turned straight, chances are some girl somewhere along the way has ruined him for every future relationship. Don't try and set him straight, and don't say I didn't warn you.
They are Players
For many men, after being single for so long and getting more in tune with the way single women work, they have decided on one thing: stuff it. Hence they flake, tease, lie, chase, forget to text back and pretty much do whatever the bloody hell they want. And when the woman in question complains about such behaviour, the man doesn't want to hear a peep of it. Nor does he feel he has to. Why? Because since men have been told time and time again that there's a bona fide "man drought" situation going on, they think they're the ultimate catch simply because they wear Calvin Klein boxers and have a job. Sadly, many women believe it too and therefore are willing put up with it all of the above in fear they'll never meet another man again. Sigh …
In last week's column, single men went to town over their complaints about single women, with gripes ranging from her being too picky to having too many pets to expecting to be paid for to too much baggage to being too precious about sex early on. ("What's the big deal?" say the men. "It's just sex!". Sure it is...)
Instead of countering the arguments, I've decided to try to analyse the men and discover just what it is about single men that gets a woman's knickers in a knot.
This is how it begins (or at least this is the scenario I witnessed the other night): When an announcement is made that there's a single bloke in the room, instead of trying to size him up for what he truly is or to create a list of all his bad points (like men so often do in the presence of a single girl), a woman will attempt to see the best in him. "He dresses nicely," she'll say. "So what does he do/how much money does he make/why is he still single?"
The answers (from those who know the bloke and from those who've dated him before) will come in fast and furious: "He's been married before/he cheated/he's a playboy/he doesn't want to commit … "
But this won't deter the single girl. Oh no. Instead, she'll be thinking just how delightful that all sounds and how eager she is to take on the challenge to change him.
Hence she'll go to town to try to get his attention (thrusting her bust out, showing a little leg, giggling at his jokes and getting incredibly drunk) while he sips on his Corona and puts her into a single girl category (the independent bitch, the desperate singleton or the non-dateable) sans a positive spin.
Yet here's the catch. While she desperately attempts to gain his attention now, wait till after a date (or two), a few unreturned phone calls and a slew of mixed messages when finally the rose-coloured glasses will slowly come off. And suddenly she'll be faced with everything that is wrong with the modern single man all wrapped up into one nice little (or big, depending what type of man you go for) package:
His ego
Boy, are men these days a sensitive bunch or what? Crush his delicate little ego and he'll either run for the hills or act out in some crazy way that will ensure you never consider him as future husband material again. The best way to crush a man's ego? Deny him sex. Whether it be on the first date or the seventh, many single men don't take lightly to being refused a little hanky panky. Even if they say they're OK with it. Even if they tell you they are keen to wait. Even if they deny the fact that they are only wining and dining you for one thing, you can bet your G-string their egos are going to take a thrashing.
That's not to say that you should jump into the sack with every man you want a second date with. Oh no. But perhaps deflecting his advances in a way that ensures his ego remains intact (by adding a compliment and telling him how much you like him but that you're just not ready) will ensure his ego isn't bruised too badly. And if he doesn't stick around, at least you discovered his true intentions sooner rather than later …
They give mixed messages
One minute they're holding your hand, gently kissing your forehead and inviting you to Hawaii, and the next they're telling you they don't want a girlfriend, aren't ready for a relationship and that you're coming on too strong. Say what!? While women are supposed to let the man take the lead in a relationship, leave it up to the gents and you're guaranteed to be bombarded with a bevy of mixed messages that screw with your head and leave your more perplexed than a Martin Scorsese movie. While men purport to be simple creatures who say it like it is, ask any single woman and she'll be quick to quip that single blokes are so darn confusing that they wish they'd come with an instruction manual.
They are set in their ways
When a man is single long enough, something extremely selfish happens inside his head. The word "compromise" is deleted from his lexicon and life becomes about his way or the highway.
Sure, he will tell you he likes to try new things and isn't opposed to hanging out with your gay BFF, but, at the end of the day, the older men get the less likely they are to change their scheduled weekly poker nights, the way they eat, dress, lie on the couch or let their dog sleep in their bed (even when you sleep over.)
And if you dare even try to suggest they do things a little differently, they'll complain that you're trying to change them, chuck a hissy fit and then tell their mates that you're just not the right woman for them no matter how good you looked at their cousin's wedding.
They are obsessed with their ex (or the one who broke their heart)
I don't care about the fact that men say they're unemotional creatures who move on after a breakup faster than a speeding crawfish. The reality is that men are more sensitive than they let on. If they've endured heartache or ego-bruising by an ex, you are going to pay for it ... as will every other future girlfriend.
In the past few weeks alone I've had one man tell me that if his "darling, sweetheart, good girl" ex-girlfriend managed to break his heart, how could he ever trust another woman again? I've had another man tell me that he was so scared of getting heartbroken again that he dumped his recent girlfriend who he dubbed the "perfect girl" two months into the relationship. She never saw it coming.
So unless you're dating a dude who has recently turned straight, chances are some girl somewhere along the way has ruined him for every future relationship. Don't try and set him straight, and don't say I didn't warn you.
They are Players
For many men, after being single for so long and getting more in tune with the way single women work, they have decided on one thing: stuff it. Hence they flake, tease, lie, chase, forget to text back and pretty much do whatever the bloody hell they want. And when the woman in question complains about such behaviour, the man doesn't want to hear a peep of it. Nor does he feel he has to. Why? Because since men have been told time and time again that there's a bona fide "man drought" situation going on, they think they're the ultimate catch simply because they wear Calvin Klein boxers and have a job. Sadly, many women believe it too and therefore are willing put up with it all of the above in fear they'll never meet another man again. Sigh …
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Promote gender equality and empower women
Female empowerment. I've long been a fan of anything that gives women a confidence boost, elevates self worth and makes them feel better about themselves than eating ice-cream from the tub or watching Sex and the City episodes alone.
But when Britain's Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman recently came out with the shocking opinion that wearing a burka could actually be "empowering" and "dignifying" to women, I was flabbergasted.
Really? Her comments were immediately lampooned as "ironic" and "bizarre" by the press and public alike, as many rushed to discount her suggestion that seemed to hold about as much weight as Nicole Richie's right toe.
"Burka empowering women? You must be mad, minister!" tut-tutted a headline in Britain's Daily Mail newspaper in an article written by Muslim journalist Yasmin Alibhai-Brown. While many might have expected her to agree with Spelman, she says that her opinion is quite the contrary.
"She is wrong," Alibhai-Brown writes. "Her fatuous and ill-conceived defence of the burka rendered me apoplectic with fury. Does she even understand the harm she does by sanctioning this perversion of our faith?" Probably not.
Spelman’s comments came after she was asked what she thought about the new push to ban women wearing burkas in Europe, to which she responded with this: "One of the things we pride ourselves on in this country is being free, and being free to choose what you wear is a part of that, so actually banning the burka is absolutely contrary I think to what this country is all about."
In an attempt to get inside the heads of her shrouded sisters, Alibhai-Brown decided to go covered up for a day and surmised that she felt anything but empowered. "I felt wiped out, a nobody - lifeless and voiceless," she said.
So let's get back to this enigma of female empowerment. What is it? How do we get it? And why the heck do so many mistake its true meaning?
I understand that we live in a society in which the pressures on women to look, act and be a certain way have sanctioned all sorts of strange behaviour. But are too many women seeking external aids in an attempt to rejuvenate their state of mind?
Breast implants are on the rise to such an extent that it's difficult to walk into a club without running into a sea of silicone. Yet many women I speak to claim that they do it "for themselves" rather than to spruik some male attention. (Seriously?)
Having Botox shots has become as common as a trip to the dentist, with even singer Charice (who shot to fame after she was hand-picked by Oprah as a young star to watch) foregoing her natural facial lines and contours to get a "smoother" appearance for her upcoming television debut. (Yes, she's only 18!)
Joanna Krupa – a US model who has been voted the sexiest model in the world - has said that posing for Playboy magazine is mightily empowering. "Finally a woman gets paid more than a man for comparable work," she told Hollie McKay from Fox News. "She gets to set the rules, gets to be in a real team work with other women, as many key positions at Playboy are in fact held by women! She brings in her creative ideas, gets involved in the photo selection and ends up with something she co-created through and through." Right.
Then there's teen pop tart Miley Cyrus who has recently insisted that her new album – where she is scantily clad (in her videoclip) and claims she can’t be tamed by a man (in her song lyrics) – actually empowers women. (Say what!?)
And finally the BBC News recently reported that online dating actually empowers women! Yep, Dr Petra Boynton, sex editor of Men's Health magazine, said in an interview: "A lot of women say they find it quite empowering because they can ask things, demand things and flirt. For instance, many women find it hard to say 'I don't want to see you again' but online they can. So it can be used just to improve your confidence outside of the internet."
While I've recently dabbled in the world of online dating (for research purposes ... and surprisingly it wasn't as scary as you might think), empowering it was not. There's rejection (just from your photo!), all sorts of ulterior motives, constant fear of the unknown and having to put your best foot forward on a date all the while being judged by a complete stranger whom you may not even like yet, but hope they'll like you anyway.
To me, female empowerment isn't about the external or having men chasing you; it's about finding yourself, being comfortable with being by yourself and surrounding yourself with quality, loyal, kind people who actually care about you.
Of course a nice dinner date wouldn't go astray either, but it's when you can say no to the dates you don't want to go on ... Now that's empowerment to me ...
What do you think? Is a burka empowering
But when Britain's Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman recently came out with the shocking opinion that wearing a burka could actually be "empowering" and "dignifying" to women, I was flabbergasted.
Really? Her comments were immediately lampooned as "ironic" and "bizarre" by the press and public alike, as many rushed to discount her suggestion that seemed to hold about as much weight as Nicole Richie's right toe.
"Burka empowering women? You must be mad, minister!" tut-tutted a headline in Britain's Daily Mail newspaper in an article written by Muslim journalist Yasmin Alibhai-Brown. While many might have expected her to agree with Spelman, she says that her opinion is quite the contrary.
"She is wrong," Alibhai-Brown writes. "Her fatuous and ill-conceived defence of the burka rendered me apoplectic with fury. Does she even understand the harm she does by sanctioning this perversion of our faith?" Probably not.
Spelman’s comments came after she was asked what she thought about the new push to ban women wearing burkas in Europe, to which she responded with this: "One of the things we pride ourselves on in this country is being free, and being free to choose what you wear is a part of that, so actually banning the burka is absolutely contrary I think to what this country is all about."
In an attempt to get inside the heads of her shrouded sisters, Alibhai-Brown decided to go covered up for a day and surmised that she felt anything but empowered. "I felt wiped out, a nobody - lifeless and voiceless," she said.
So let's get back to this enigma of female empowerment. What is it? How do we get it? And why the heck do so many mistake its true meaning?
I understand that we live in a society in which the pressures on women to look, act and be a certain way have sanctioned all sorts of strange behaviour. But are too many women seeking external aids in an attempt to rejuvenate their state of mind?
Breast implants are on the rise to such an extent that it's difficult to walk into a club without running into a sea of silicone. Yet many women I speak to claim that they do it "for themselves" rather than to spruik some male attention. (Seriously?)
Having Botox shots has become as common as a trip to the dentist, with even singer Charice (who shot to fame after she was hand-picked by Oprah as a young star to watch) foregoing her natural facial lines and contours to get a "smoother" appearance for her upcoming television debut. (Yes, she's only 18!)
Joanna Krupa – a US model who has been voted the sexiest model in the world - has said that posing for Playboy magazine is mightily empowering. "Finally a woman gets paid more than a man for comparable work," she told Hollie McKay from Fox News. "She gets to set the rules, gets to be in a real team work with other women, as many key positions at Playboy are in fact held by women! She brings in her creative ideas, gets involved in the photo selection and ends up with something she co-created through and through." Right.
Then there's teen pop tart Miley Cyrus who has recently insisted that her new album – where she is scantily clad (in her videoclip) and claims she can’t be tamed by a man (in her song lyrics) – actually empowers women. (Say what!?)
And finally the BBC News recently reported that online dating actually empowers women! Yep, Dr Petra Boynton, sex editor of Men's Health magazine, said in an interview: "A lot of women say they find it quite empowering because they can ask things, demand things and flirt. For instance, many women find it hard to say 'I don't want to see you again' but online they can. So it can be used just to improve your confidence outside of the internet."
While I've recently dabbled in the world of online dating (for research purposes ... and surprisingly it wasn't as scary as you might think), empowering it was not. There's rejection (just from your photo!), all sorts of ulterior motives, constant fear of the unknown and having to put your best foot forward on a date all the while being judged by a complete stranger whom you may not even like yet, but hope they'll like you anyway.
To me, female empowerment isn't about the external or having men chasing you; it's about finding yourself, being comfortable with being by yourself and surrounding yourself with quality, loyal, kind people who actually care about you.
Of course a nice dinner date wouldn't go astray either, but it's when you can say no to the dates you don't want to go on ... Now that's empowerment to me ...
What do you think? Is a burka empowering
Monday, July 19, 2010
What do men dislike about single women?
"Dating is like prostitution," said a newly single man to the dinner table the other night. The awkward silence that followed made it clear to him that he’d seriously put his foot in his mouth (especially since half the table were single... and the fact that I was fervently taking notes as he spoke should have been a clear giveaway), but he was oblivious to our disdain and simply continued on with his tirade in attempt to justify his statement:
"The last woman I took on a date demanded I take her on at least five dates before she’d even consider going back to my house … And at around $50-$100 a pop, that means I’m basically paying for sex – whether I get it or not."
The women at the table (including moi) weren't impressed.
"I’m single and I feel that I deserve to be taken out a few times before I sleep with someone,” retorted a 35-year-old single woman.
"True. It doesn’t have to be to super-expensive nice places, but how else will you get to know a person and work out their true intentions without going on a few dates?" replied a 28-year-old singleton.
"What's wrong with wanting to be wined and dined before hitting the sack with a complete stranger?" lamented a third.
While the women all made good arguments, the reality of this sad situation is that modern blokes are become increasingly afraid of single women. Tell the gents there’s one such creature somewhere in the room and he’ll instantly attempt to analyse her behaviour, decipher her body language, work out how desperate she is, how loudly her biological clock is ticking and how quickly he might be able to get her back to his place. Then he’ll stereotypically place her into one of three categories (and depending on his mood he'll either strike it lucky, or strike out):
* The feisty, independent bitch who purports not to need a man
* The desperate, dateless singleton who will do anything for a first date, and
* The nonchalant, non-dateable gal who doesn’t want to talk to a man, let alone ever go home with one ... at least not anytime in the next decade.
"There's so much wrong with single women in this city," men so often tell me. Like what? I often wonder. The fact that we truly are independent? Seriously looking for love and not just a casual fling? Can't be mates with a man without him wanting sex? Or that it's impossible to even be taken out for a laid-back dinner date with being labelled a prostitute? Yikes.
According to dating guru Becky Ellis (who writes for the website yourtango.com), there are five key things men complain about when it comes to single women: Our apparent flakiness, over-the-top independence, being in the habit of only dating bad boys (and incessantly complaining that there are no nice guys available), having a biological clock (puh-please) and doting way too much over our pets for their ego to stand it.
I was hoping my own poll would provide more positive answers, but face-to-face, the men seem to have let it rip:
"Women have lengthy Checklists"
Whether it’s the amount of money a man earns or the size of his bits, men complain that too many women harp on about what qualities (and body parts) the man they desire should embody. The problem with these lists, say the men, is that it becomes all about what women want.
"They don’t work at trying to have anything to offer back,” complains Ben. “It’s all about what we can offer them. And that gets kind of frustrating, and rather boring.” Sure, it's good to have standards. And criteria. And to know your own worth. But when it comes down to it, relationships are about chemistry, connection and two people being compatible. And even I reckon that's impossible to put down on paper.
"She must be single for a reason ... and that's a turn-off"
Whether it be a toxic ex who they can’t forget, their addiction to bad boys, or whether they’re simply deluded as to what a real relationship entails, (yes, it's not all romantic dinners and flashy bunches of roses), red flags immediately pop up when a man discovers a woman’s been single for a little too long for comfort. They begin to wonder if it's truly her, and not the men she dates, that is the common denominator for a string of unsuccessful unions.
Says Ivan: “Meeting someone single and new always involves some 'caution'.” He also says that too many single women have “Disney-induced” nonrealistic expectations when it comes to sizing up the men they meet. “After many unsuccessful attempts, many of those women then become bitter and whiny, which then makes them less appealing to the men they actually do like ... it’s bittersweet irony.”
"She's dated my mate ... or has too many previous partners"
Says Geoff: “It’s a similar experience to buying a used car at auction, preferably you want one owner with low kilometres on the clock. The reality being you never know where it’s been and how many drivers have been there for a test drive before you came along.” Double standards, perhaps?
"She's too available"
Yep, you guessed it: often single women don’t offer men enough of “the chase”. Instead too many women will give themselves up to the first dude with a credit card and a job on a silver platter without making him woo her, charm her or show his true colours before she hops into bed with him and declares he’s the one she wants to marry and be around for all eternity.
Which makes me wonder if perhaps the bloke at the beginning of the story might have been right all along. But here's the catch: unless a man pays his dues, should he really deserve to reap all the rewards? I'm not so sure we should make it so easy ...
"The last woman I took on a date demanded I take her on at least five dates before she’d even consider going back to my house … And at around $50-$100 a pop, that means I’m basically paying for sex – whether I get it or not."
The women at the table (including moi) weren't impressed.
"I’m single and I feel that I deserve to be taken out a few times before I sleep with someone,” retorted a 35-year-old single woman.
"True. It doesn’t have to be to super-expensive nice places, but how else will you get to know a person and work out their true intentions without going on a few dates?" replied a 28-year-old singleton.
"What's wrong with wanting to be wined and dined before hitting the sack with a complete stranger?" lamented a third.
While the women all made good arguments, the reality of this sad situation is that modern blokes are become increasingly afraid of single women. Tell the gents there’s one such creature somewhere in the room and he’ll instantly attempt to analyse her behaviour, decipher her body language, work out how desperate she is, how loudly her biological clock is ticking and how quickly he might be able to get her back to his place. Then he’ll stereotypically place her into one of three categories (and depending on his mood he'll either strike it lucky, or strike out):
* The feisty, independent bitch who purports not to need a man
* The desperate, dateless singleton who will do anything for a first date, and
* The nonchalant, non-dateable gal who doesn’t want to talk to a man, let alone ever go home with one ... at least not anytime in the next decade.
"There's so much wrong with single women in this city," men so often tell me. Like what? I often wonder. The fact that we truly are independent? Seriously looking for love and not just a casual fling? Can't be mates with a man without him wanting sex? Or that it's impossible to even be taken out for a laid-back dinner date with being labelled a prostitute? Yikes.
According to dating guru Becky Ellis (who writes for the website yourtango.com), there are five key things men complain about when it comes to single women: Our apparent flakiness, over-the-top independence, being in the habit of only dating bad boys (and incessantly complaining that there are no nice guys available), having a biological clock (puh-please) and doting way too much over our pets for their ego to stand it.
I was hoping my own poll would provide more positive answers, but face-to-face, the men seem to have let it rip:
"Women have lengthy Checklists"
Whether it’s the amount of money a man earns or the size of his bits, men complain that too many women harp on about what qualities (and body parts) the man they desire should embody. The problem with these lists, say the men, is that it becomes all about what women want.
"They don’t work at trying to have anything to offer back,” complains Ben. “It’s all about what we can offer them. And that gets kind of frustrating, and rather boring.” Sure, it's good to have standards. And criteria. And to know your own worth. But when it comes down to it, relationships are about chemistry, connection and two people being compatible. And even I reckon that's impossible to put down on paper.
"She must be single for a reason ... and that's a turn-off"
Whether it be a toxic ex who they can’t forget, their addiction to bad boys, or whether they’re simply deluded as to what a real relationship entails, (yes, it's not all romantic dinners and flashy bunches of roses), red flags immediately pop up when a man discovers a woman’s been single for a little too long for comfort. They begin to wonder if it's truly her, and not the men she dates, that is the common denominator for a string of unsuccessful unions.
Says Ivan: “Meeting someone single and new always involves some 'caution'.” He also says that too many single women have “Disney-induced” nonrealistic expectations when it comes to sizing up the men they meet. “After many unsuccessful attempts, many of those women then become bitter and whiny, which then makes them less appealing to the men they actually do like ... it’s bittersweet irony.”
"She's dated my mate ... or has too many previous partners"
Says Geoff: “It’s a similar experience to buying a used car at auction, preferably you want one owner with low kilometres on the clock. The reality being you never know where it’s been and how many drivers have been there for a test drive before you came along.” Double standards, perhaps?
"She's too available"
Yep, you guessed it: often single women don’t offer men enough of “the chase”. Instead too many women will give themselves up to the first dude with a credit card and a job on a silver platter without making him woo her, charm her or show his true colours before she hops into bed with him and declares he’s the one she wants to marry and be around for all eternity.
Which makes me wonder if perhaps the bloke at the beginning of the story might have been right all along. But here's the catch: unless a man pays his dues, should he really deserve to reap all the rewards? I'm not so sure we should make it so easy ...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Pros and cons? Thinking of dating or marrying a younger man
I am sick to death of the pressure to get married young. According to over-zealous family members and my already-hitched mates (who are increasing in numbers by the nanosecond), by now I'm supposed to be married, own a house and have a huge account in my bank. And it seems I'm not the only one.
Social psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs have injected a toxic dose of moral panic into the never-married female population with their "scientific research", which claims that if women don't get marry young, their "market value" deteriorates rapidly. Say what!? (The findings concluded something entirely different for men, whose market value apparently seems to rise the older they get. *Eye roll.)
While another study found that young women (18-22 years old) are mature enough to handle being ensconced in holy matrimony (this according to the US government's National Survey of Family Growth, I think that an entirely different issue needs to be addressed.
For those who marry young, does life really turn out all that good? Is their rush to waltz down the aisle donning a white dress and a lace garter belt before eating fancy cake and air kissing noxious in-laws, really worth missing out on a life filled with exploration, self-fulfilment, wanton casual sex and the chance to figure out who they really are without being tied to a couch, kitchen and nappy duties for all eternity?
Sounds like the death of youth to me.
Yet, when I got ensconced in a long-term relationship from the age of 18, none of the above even entered my head. Being part of a twosome actually gave me more time to focus on myself (instead of worrying about where my next date, meal or rent payment would come from), focus on the creative side of my career (without stressing out whether it would enable me to afford the lifestyle I was accustomed to) and allowed me to feel safe, secure and fulfilled in the knowledge that I had already found my "one". The search was off. A life together was on.
It never worked out for me (towards the end, our goals changed, freedom was a thing of the past and living together was no longer a joy but a chore).
On the flip side, my friend Marty (who is now 28 with two kids in tow) met his wife at a party when he was 22. She was 28. After experiencing that rare light-bulb moment of "love at first sight", they fell in love, promptly moved in together and she soon fell pregnant.
"Life could have gone either way," he tells me. "It was like a coin toss – either we could make a go of it, have the child, get married and hope for the best, or we could go the other way and take none of it."
It took him one week of heavy consideration to make the decision that changed his life, and nowadays he couldn't be happier.
"Of course it was going through my head that there would be no more playboy ways," he laughs when I ask him if he ever considered not going through with it in a bid to hold on to his freedom.
"That was the hardest thing to let go of. But when I looked into the future and saw what it could be, I decided that I was going to go with it. I knew I loved her very much and did eventually want to marry her, so I just thought: why not now?"
Lucky for Marty, the girl he fell in love with turned out to be one of those people who allows the other person to grow in the relationship without making them feeling trapped, censored or under the thumb.
"She's not a ball breaker – she just goes with the flow."
Which is exactly what I think makes or breaks the relationship of those who marry early. Because here's the thing: people change. You mature. You grow at different rates. And you can either grow apart, or you can grow together. If you grow apart, you're left with a relationship that is more like a friendship than a romantic union filed with sex and fun-filled adventures for two. But if you grow together from an early age and share similar values, interests and life goals, then things can be magical – the stuff fairy tales are made.
Of course the pros and cons of marrying early are plentiful. And even Marty will admit that it's difficult at times.
"You do lose a bit of your youth … but it's not so much in a bad way. You just do." He also says that he found himself having to do things that normal 20-somethings just wouldn't have to do – which can be really testing on a relationship. Others I've polled say that marrying young means you never truly get a chance to know yourself or what you want, you have to grow up too early and miss out, and you never truly discover what good sex is.
I'm in two minds. Dating someone from a young age allows you to grow, expand and explore the world without having to worry about finding a date, getting dumped or having to do it on your own. You are secure, safe and elated with knowing that there's someone by your side no matter what. On the other hand there's missed youth and the feeling that there might be something more out there that you'll never truly discover.
Either way, I truly envy couples like Marty and his wife. They will tell you that it's rubbish that marrying young isn't the way to go about it. That if you truly find someone special, why delay it? Instead they will say that it's how hard you work at the relationship that counts.
And I certainly hope they're right …
Social psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs have injected a toxic dose of moral panic into the never-married female population with their "scientific research", which claims that if women don't get marry young, their "market value" deteriorates rapidly. Say what!? (The findings concluded something entirely different for men, whose market value apparently seems to rise the older they get. *Eye roll.)
While another study found that young women (18-22 years old) are mature enough to handle being ensconced in holy matrimony (this according to the US government's National Survey of Family Growth, I think that an entirely different issue needs to be addressed.
For those who marry young, does life really turn out all that good? Is their rush to waltz down the aisle donning a white dress and a lace garter belt before eating fancy cake and air kissing noxious in-laws, really worth missing out on a life filled with exploration, self-fulfilment, wanton casual sex and the chance to figure out who they really are without being tied to a couch, kitchen and nappy duties for all eternity?
Sounds like the death of youth to me.
Yet, when I got ensconced in a long-term relationship from the age of 18, none of the above even entered my head. Being part of a twosome actually gave me more time to focus on myself (instead of worrying about where my next date, meal or rent payment would come from), focus on the creative side of my career (without stressing out whether it would enable me to afford the lifestyle I was accustomed to) and allowed me to feel safe, secure and fulfilled in the knowledge that I had already found my "one". The search was off. A life together was on.
It never worked out for me (towards the end, our goals changed, freedom was a thing of the past and living together was no longer a joy but a chore).
On the flip side, my friend Marty (who is now 28 with two kids in tow) met his wife at a party when he was 22. She was 28. After experiencing that rare light-bulb moment of "love at first sight", they fell in love, promptly moved in together and she soon fell pregnant.
"Life could have gone either way," he tells me. "It was like a coin toss – either we could make a go of it, have the child, get married and hope for the best, or we could go the other way and take none of it."
It took him one week of heavy consideration to make the decision that changed his life, and nowadays he couldn't be happier.
"Of course it was going through my head that there would be no more playboy ways," he laughs when I ask him if he ever considered not going through with it in a bid to hold on to his freedom.
"That was the hardest thing to let go of. But when I looked into the future and saw what it could be, I decided that I was going to go with it. I knew I loved her very much and did eventually want to marry her, so I just thought: why not now?"
Lucky for Marty, the girl he fell in love with turned out to be one of those people who allows the other person to grow in the relationship without making them feeling trapped, censored or under the thumb.
"She's not a ball breaker – she just goes with the flow."
Which is exactly what I think makes or breaks the relationship of those who marry early. Because here's the thing: people change. You mature. You grow at different rates. And you can either grow apart, or you can grow together. If you grow apart, you're left with a relationship that is more like a friendship than a romantic union filed with sex and fun-filled adventures for two. But if you grow together from an early age and share similar values, interests and life goals, then things can be magical – the stuff fairy tales are made.
Of course the pros and cons of marrying early are plentiful. And even Marty will admit that it's difficult at times.
"You do lose a bit of your youth … but it's not so much in a bad way. You just do." He also says that he found himself having to do things that normal 20-somethings just wouldn't have to do – which can be really testing on a relationship. Others I've polled say that marrying young means you never truly get a chance to know yourself or what you want, you have to grow up too early and miss out, and you never truly discover what good sex is.
I'm in two minds. Dating someone from a young age allows you to grow, expand and explore the world without having to worry about finding a date, getting dumped or having to do it on your own. You are secure, safe and elated with knowing that there's someone by your side no matter what. On the other hand there's missed youth and the feeling that there might be something more out there that you'll never truly discover.
Either way, I truly envy couples like Marty and his wife. They will tell you that it's rubbish that marrying young isn't the way to go about it. That if you truly find someone special, why delay it? Instead they will say that it's how hard you work at the relationship that counts.
And I certainly hope they're right …
Monday, July 12, 2010
How not to save a relationship
Wow. Having just watched former US senator John Edwards's wife Elizabeth pour her heart out to Oprah after she discovered her husband had been ensconced in a long-running affair with a blonde bimbo who then had his child (without his knowledge), messed up his chances at the presidential race and ruined his marriage … it got me wondering … why did he do it? What was it all for? An orgasm?
Elizabeth said that all the blonde bimbo had to do to corrupt her bloke was to stop John in the street and say, "Wow, you're hot!"
Yep, that was all it took for him to whip off his pants, fall into bed with her and promise her a future without ever really intending to follow through on any of it. Poor unsuspecting woman. (Or perhaps she got what she deserved considering she knew Edwards was married, and decided to forego any respect to the responsibility of sisterhood.
Two years later the bombshell hit. After he found out that there was a supposed love child, he met his mistress at a secret location (a hotel in Los Angeles where I happened to be staying at the time) where she had the child in tow, and all hell broke lose.
While the media, his wife and the world lampooned Edwards for his wayward ways, there was one person who emerged having got exactly what she wanted: his mistress. There was no chance in hell that she was letting him out of her treacherous web because she had done something that the other women before her (mistresses who, after one night of pleasure had never again seen or heard from the man who promised them the world) hadn't yet done: she'd had his love child.
Can having a child salvage a relationship?
Many women, in the hope of ensnaring a man, decide the best way to go about it is to do something so drastic that their hold on him becomes tighter than Tiger Woods's grip on his golf club: have his child.
Which is at odds with reality. Suddenly, a union goes from a peaceful twosome, to a non-sleeping threesome with bottles to fill, nappies to change and any chance of romantic date nights being thrown out along with sex and Sunday morning sleep-ins. If there isn't a solid relationship base to fall back on, it's mighty difficult to factor a third person (who can't even feed themselves) into an already stressful equation.
Nevertheless, if a baby is exactly what a man wants in his life and his wife isn't having a bar of it (cue in Jennifer Aniston), then another woman just might steal your thunder.
The other day I spoke to a friend who told me that's exactly what happened to her. As she did not want to have a child so she could focus on her career, her husband went out and did the dirty behind her back ... and got his girlfriend pregnant. Or rather, his girlfriend made sure she got herself pregnant in order to keep her new man from going back home. Ever.
Says my friend: "She was so jealous of me and wanted my man so badly that she fell pregnant to his child after two weeks after they started dating. They're still together, three kids later."
Now my friend wonders whether it was all her fault. Whether she should have just swallowed her pride, had a child and kept her relationship alive. But would this have stopped him from cheating? Kept them together? I have no idea. But the question remains: can you really keep a man by having his child?
Many women try it. Many women succeed at it. In fact it's become a dirty game that has made single eligible men very uncomfortable when doing the horizontal hanky panky with someone who is a little too clingy for comfort.
One man even told me that his biggest fear is that the woman he's been sleeping with will pin the condoms. Hence he always checks them beforehand. "You just never know what women will do," he said. No BYO condoms anymore.
What about moving in together?
Struggling couples often wonder what type of metaphorical glue might be the key to keeping them happy together. Some couples decide to get a dog. Others have a baby. And those who aren't yet living under the same roof, decide to give it a go.
"What's the harm of moving in together?" they say. "Surely if we see each other more often, there'd be less tension between us? Surely we'd be happier being on top of each other day in, day out, rather than struggling to find the time to even see each other for a nanosecond without arguing?"
Wishful thinking.
When a woman named Tara told me that she was moving in with her boyfriend a couple of months ago in order to salvage their relationship, I groaned. This struck me as a rather silly idea, not just because moving in with my own boyfriend a few years ago was the very thing that killed our relationship, but because the last boyfriend she'd lived with dumped her after he realised his freedom and single life as he knew it had been compromised forever. And now she was trying it all again?
"It's the only thing I can think of doing right now," she said.
A few months later they broke up. Perhaps they should have got a dog instead ...
Elizabeth said that all the blonde bimbo had to do to corrupt her bloke was to stop John in the street and say, "Wow, you're hot!"
Yep, that was all it took for him to whip off his pants, fall into bed with her and promise her a future without ever really intending to follow through on any of it. Poor unsuspecting woman. (Or perhaps she got what she deserved considering she knew Edwards was married, and decided to forego any respect to the responsibility of sisterhood.
Two years later the bombshell hit. After he found out that there was a supposed love child, he met his mistress at a secret location (a hotel in Los Angeles where I happened to be staying at the time) where she had the child in tow, and all hell broke lose.
While the media, his wife and the world lampooned Edwards for his wayward ways, there was one person who emerged having got exactly what she wanted: his mistress. There was no chance in hell that she was letting him out of her treacherous web because she had done something that the other women before her (mistresses who, after one night of pleasure had never again seen or heard from the man who promised them the world) hadn't yet done: she'd had his love child.
Can having a child salvage a relationship?
Many women, in the hope of ensnaring a man, decide the best way to go about it is to do something so drastic that their hold on him becomes tighter than Tiger Woods's grip on his golf club: have his child.
Which is at odds with reality. Suddenly, a union goes from a peaceful twosome, to a non-sleeping threesome with bottles to fill, nappies to change and any chance of romantic date nights being thrown out along with sex and Sunday morning sleep-ins. If there isn't a solid relationship base to fall back on, it's mighty difficult to factor a third person (who can't even feed themselves) into an already stressful equation.
Nevertheless, if a baby is exactly what a man wants in his life and his wife isn't having a bar of it (cue in Jennifer Aniston), then another woman just might steal your thunder.
The other day I spoke to a friend who told me that's exactly what happened to her. As she did not want to have a child so she could focus on her career, her husband went out and did the dirty behind her back ... and got his girlfriend pregnant. Or rather, his girlfriend made sure she got herself pregnant in order to keep her new man from going back home. Ever.
Says my friend: "She was so jealous of me and wanted my man so badly that she fell pregnant to his child after two weeks after they started dating. They're still together, three kids later."
Now my friend wonders whether it was all her fault. Whether she should have just swallowed her pride, had a child and kept her relationship alive. But would this have stopped him from cheating? Kept them together? I have no idea. But the question remains: can you really keep a man by having his child?
Many women try it. Many women succeed at it. In fact it's become a dirty game that has made single eligible men very uncomfortable when doing the horizontal hanky panky with someone who is a little too clingy for comfort.
One man even told me that his biggest fear is that the woman he's been sleeping with will pin the condoms. Hence he always checks them beforehand. "You just never know what women will do," he said. No BYO condoms anymore.
What about moving in together?
Struggling couples often wonder what type of metaphorical glue might be the key to keeping them happy together. Some couples decide to get a dog. Others have a baby. And those who aren't yet living under the same roof, decide to give it a go.
"What's the harm of moving in together?" they say. "Surely if we see each other more often, there'd be less tension between us? Surely we'd be happier being on top of each other day in, day out, rather than struggling to find the time to even see each other for a nanosecond without arguing?"
Wishful thinking.
When a woman named Tara told me that she was moving in with her boyfriend a couple of months ago in order to salvage their relationship, I groaned. This struck me as a rather silly idea, not just because moving in with my own boyfriend a few years ago was the very thing that killed our relationship, but because the last boyfriend she'd lived with dumped her after he realised his freedom and single life as he knew it had been compromised forever. And now she was trying it all again?
"It's the only thing I can think of doing right now," she said.
A few months later they broke up. Perhaps they should have got a dog instead ...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Are players and womanisers insecure? Is there a difference?
When it comes to men, I'm a little confused. Not by the fact they can't seem to put the toilet seat down (no matter how many times you tell them), prefer sport over sex (especially during World Cup season), can't ask for directions, have multiple orgasms, hold a woman's handbag (even for just a second while she puts on her jacket) or talk about their feelings.
Instead, I'm talking about something far more complex, sinister, hard to pinpoint and something that's been plaguing me ever since I started to dip my toes into the icy water that is known as the modern dating scene.
So here's my dilemma: how the heck do you tell whether the man you've just met is a womaniser, a player, or just a nice guy who is clueless when it comes to dating?
Because here's the thing: you meet a man and suddenly there's an insatiable chemistry. Sparks are flying, jokes are shared, common interests are identified. He's charming, sexy, complimentary and you're exhilarated to think you may have actually found "the one" (or at least a bloke who doesn't make you cringe over his table manners).
He says all the right things (tells you he's taking you to Cabo for your honeymoon, invites you away for the weekend and tells you he's picked out your kids' names already - true story). And you believe him. After all, he makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world just to be around him. Eureka.
And then everything goes south. Where did the phone calls go? Where are the romantic dates? Where are the compliments? What went wrong?
There are no answers (especially not coming from him) so you begin to blame yourself. Was it something I said? Did I come on too strong? Was there some spinach between my teeth? Have I put on weight since he met me!?
After your self-esteem sinks to a new low and you've drunk-dialled him one too many times for any shred of self-respect to remain, it suddenly all makes sense: he's just a player! A womaniser! A man who is stringing along another five unsuspecting women all at once and you're just a poor pawn in his playboy game!
So why didn't anyone tell you before you fell for him? Did those around you simply revel in the fact that you're about to be burned, chewed up, spat out and left to start the whole sordid process all over again?
If you're anything like me, and wish you'd been a little smarter before you swapped spit, here's a little checklist to help you out. Don't say I didn't warn you …
The womaniser:
He...
* Tells women what they want to hear regardless of what he actually means.
* Promises you the world (despite the fact he may not have a dime to his name).
* Loves wining and dinning women.
* Needs women around to boost his ego even if he's not interested in them.
* Doesn't necessarily go in for the kill right away so as to make women think he's really the nice guy.
* Needs to be constantly reminded that he is loved and admired by women.
* Is sleazy
The player:
He...
* Loves the game and the strategy around picking up women.
* Pushes for sex quickly (but pretends to be nonchalant about it).
* Takes all the women he dates to the same restaurant.
* Tells you what you want to hear.
* Will be dating and juggling many women at once.
* Has no real and genuine desire to share a future with you.
* Will call a few times a week but be inconsistent.
* Will see you on Saturday and another girl on Sunday.
* Will reel you in by making you feel good about yourself and show you a fun time but will then pull back, which keeps you asking questions as to why it all doesn't add up.
* Seems genuine when you are together but is distant when you're apart.
* Doesn't man up at the end of the day.
* Uses women, tends to be a cheater and only tends to show his true colours once you're hooked ... because that's his aim!
I know one man who isn't a player or a womaniser: my ex-boyfriend. He never had any other female friends, no wall posts from random women on his Facebook wall, no hang-up phone-calls from pissed-off ex-girlfriends and never tried to make me jealous - not once.
Sure, we might have been incompatible at times and, yes, all break-ups happen for a reason. But when you're constantly faced with a barrage of blokes who hide their true intentions in favour of a quick score, one can't help but wonder if all the nice guys really are taken …
Instead, I'm talking about something far more complex, sinister, hard to pinpoint and something that's been plaguing me ever since I started to dip my toes into the icy water that is known as the modern dating scene.
So here's my dilemma: how the heck do you tell whether the man you've just met is a womaniser, a player, or just a nice guy who is clueless when it comes to dating?
Because here's the thing: you meet a man and suddenly there's an insatiable chemistry. Sparks are flying, jokes are shared, common interests are identified. He's charming, sexy, complimentary and you're exhilarated to think you may have actually found "the one" (or at least a bloke who doesn't make you cringe over his table manners).
He says all the right things (tells you he's taking you to Cabo for your honeymoon, invites you away for the weekend and tells you he's picked out your kids' names already - true story). And you believe him. After all, he makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world just to be around him. Eureka.
And then everything goes south. Where did the phone calls go? Where are the romantic dates? Where are the compliments? What went wrong?
There are no answers (especially not coming from him) so you begin to blame yourself. Was it something I said? Did I come on too strong? Was there some spinach between my teeth? Have I put on weight since he met me!?
After your self-esteem sinks to a new low and you've drunk-dialled him one too many times for any shred of self-respect to remain, it suddenly all makes sense: he's just a player! A womaniser! A man who is stringing along another five unsuspecting women all at once and you're just a poor pawn in his playboy game!
So why didn't anyone tell you before you fell for him? Did those around you simply revel in the fact that you're about to be burned, chewed up, spat out and left to start the whole sordid process all over again?
If you're anything like me, and wish you'd been a little smarter before you swapped spit, here's a little checklist to help you out. Don't say I didn't warn you …
The womaniser:
He...
* Tells women what they want to hear regardless of what he actually means.
* Promises you the world (despite the fact he may not have a dime to his name).
* Loves wining and dinning women.
* Needs women around to boost his ego even if he's not interested in them.
* Doesn't necessarily go in for the kill right away so as to make women think he's really the nice guy.
* Needs to be constantly reminded that he is loved and admired by women.
* Is sleazy
The player:
He...
* Loves the game and the strategy around picking up women.
* Pushes for sex quickly (but pretends to be nonchalant about it).
* Takes all the women he dates to the same restaurant.
* Tells you what you want to hear.
* Will be dating and juggling many women at once.
* Has no real and genuine desire to share a future with you.
* Will call a few times a week but be inconsistent.
* Will see you on Saturday and another girl on Sunday.
* Will reel you in by making you feel good about yourself and show you a fun time but will then pull back, which keeps you asking questions as to why it all doesn't add up.
* Seems genuine when you are together but is distant when you're apart.
* Doesn't man up at the end of the day.
* Uses women, tends to be a cheater and only tends to show his true colours once you're hooked ... because that's his aim!
I know one man who isn't a player or a womaniser: my ex-boyfriend. He never had any other female friends, no wall posts from random women on his Facebook wall, no hang-up phone-calls from pissed-off ex-girlfriends and never tried to make me jealous - not once.
Sure, we might have been incompatible at times and, yes, all break-ups happen for a reason. But when you're constantly faced with a barrage of blokes who hide their true intentions in favour of a quick score, one can't help but wonder if all the nice guys really are taken …
Let's talk about sex
When is it the right time to start sleeping together? Ah, the ultimate question. When you are seeing someone new, you're more likely to be asked by mates if the two of you have done the dirty than if you share compatible star signs, like his taste in music or what car he drives.
While I'm not quite sure why people (strangers and friends alike) think it's their business to know if you've had sex (and if it was good, how big his member is, if you'd shag him again or what's the lowdown on his hair situation down there), it seems these days, in a post-post feminist maelstrom, that sex is spoken about as "just sex". No big deal. Nothing too meaningful. Just something two consenting adults do for recreation (or procreation ... or boredom ... or to "fill in the gaps" ... how bloody romantic).
It seems in the eyes of the blokes, the rules have changed. "We should sleep together right away and then we can see where this is going," a date recently mused.
"But isn't it better to get to know someone and then sleep with them if you like what you see?" I retorted.
He wasn't convinced. I was perplexed. Is this how things are meant to work these days? That you're supposed to have sex before you begin dating? That physical intimacy comes before emotional intimacy?
True, over the years, women have become more educated, more powerful and more in control of their sexuality. They've also decided that sex isn't something they should be afraid of or is even that much of a big deal. "It's just sex," as so many say. "I can keep my feelings out of it."
But here's an interesting tale. A friend told me about a magazine interview she'd recently read with Katy Perry, the pop star who's tamed serial womaniser and sex addict Russell Brand.
Since Brand met Perry at a nightclub when she threw a bottle at him and told him, "You've met your match, motherf-----!", he's morphed into a bloke who is romantic, endearing, affectionate and has announced that he's finally happy to have sex with one woman for all eternity. Yep, just one.
How the bloody hell Perry did it is a mystery to the women of the world. (Especially considering this man is known to have slept with at least 80 women in one month!)
To me, the ability to "tame" a bad boy has always been a myth. Somehow, no matter how it looks to the outside world, he will always revert to his bad boy ways, even if it seems he's been reformed by a woman who knows how to play his game.
So what is it about Perry? Is it her charm? Dashing looks? Smashing personality? Wicked sense of humour? Well, not quite.
As Perry told the latest issue of Esquire magazine, the key to her success has simply been this: not sleeping with him too soon.
That's right folks. In fact, she refused to go home with him the night they met and told him if he wanted to get to know her, he could take her out on a proper date the following night.
"Can you imagine the horrible feeling he had when he was used to getting everything he wanted?" she told the magazine. And that was all it took? Wow.
Over the course of their relationship, apparently she's also made it clear that she might not be able to fulfil all of his sexual fantasies all the time, but that's the compromise that he has to make for a real, emotional, long-lasting relationship.
It's not often that a news story about a celebrity relationship actually has a positive spin to it. However, if someone who is called a former "professional prostitute" by his girlfriend (as Perry refers to Brand) can be tamed simply by her withholding sex till he's at least had a chance to buy her dinner, then perhaps there really is some merit to this whole "taking it slow" theory after all.
Because if Katy Perry – the woman who kissed a girl and liked it, who danced naked in front of rapper Snoop Dogg and wears itsy bitsy outfits as she waltzes down yet another red carpet – decides to hold out so as to get a little respect from a man (which, by the way, resulted in a marriage proposal), and it works, surely it can't be that bad an idea to follow in her footsteps?
After all, she's done the unthinkable: she's tamed the world's most untameable bad boy. And there's nothing prudish about that ...
PS. Bearded men have more sex ... say what?!
According to a survey, men with beards get luckier than clean-shaven blokes. Apparently not only do the women think it's sexier, but the men feel more confident, attractive and have more personality with a beard. Perhaps it's because they're hiding what's underneath, but if Russell Brand is anything to go by, the survey might not be that far off after all…
While I'm not quite sure why people (strangers and friends alike) think it's their business to know if you've had sex (and if it was good, how big his member is, if you'd shag him again or what's the lowdown on his hair situation down there), it seems these days, in a post-post feminist maelstrom, that sex is spoken about as "just sex". No big deal. Nothing too meaningful. Just something two consenting adults do for recreation (or procreation ... or boredom ... or to "fill in the gaps" ... how bloody romantic).
It seems in the eyes of the blokes, the rules have changed. "We should sleep together right away and then we can see where this is going," a date recently mused.
"But isn't it better to get to know someone and then sleep with them if you like what you see?" I retorted.
He wasn't convinced. I was perplexed. Is this how things are meant to work these days? That you're supposed to have sex before you begin dating? That physical intimacy comes before emotional intimacy?
True, over the years, women have become more educated, more powerful and more in control of their sexuality. They've also decided that sex isn't something they should be afraid of or is even that much of a big deal. "It's just sex," as so many say. "I can keep my feelings out of it."
But here's an interesting tale. A friend told me about a magazine interview she'd recently read with Katy Perry, the pop star who's tamed serial womaniser and sex addict Russell Brand.
Since Brand met Perry at a nightclub when she threw a bottle at him and told him, "You've met your match, motherf-----!", he's morphed into a bloke who is romantic, endearing, affectionate and has announced that he's finally happy to have sex with one woman for all eternity. Yep, just one.
How the bloody hell Perry did it is a mystery to the women of the world. (Especially considering this man is known to have slept with at least 80 women in one month!)
To me, the ability to "tame" a bad boy has always been a myth. Somehow, no matter how it looks to the outside world, he will always revert to his bad boy ways, even if it seems he's been reformed by a woman who knows how to play his game.
So what is it about Perry? Is it her charm? Dashing looks? Smashing personality? Wicked sense of humour? Well, not quite.
As Perry told the latest issue of Esquire magazine, the key to her success has simply been this: not sleeping with him too soon.
That's right folks. In fact, she refused to go home with him the night they met and told him if he wanted to get to know her, he could take her out on a proper date the following night.
"Can you imagine the horrible feeling he had when he was used to getting everything he wanted?" she told the magazine. And that was all it took? Wow.
Over the course of their relationship, apparently she's also made it clear that she might not be able to fulfil all of his sexual fantasies all the time, but that's the compromise that he has to make for a real, emotional, long-lasting relationship.
It's not often that a news story about a celebrity relationship actually has a positive spin to it. However, if someone who is called a former "professional prostitute" by his girlfriend (as Perry refers to Brand) can be tamed simply by her withholding sex till he's at least had a chance to buy her dinner, then perhaps there really is some merit to this whole "taking it slow" theory after all.
Because if Katy Perry – the woman who kissed a girl and liked it, who danced naked in front of rapper Snoop Dogg and wears itsy bitsy outfits as she waltzes down yet another red carpet – decides to hold out so as to get a little respect from a man (which, by the way, resulted in a marriage proposal), and it works, surely it can't be that bad an idea to follow in her footsteps?
After all, she's done the unthinkable: she's tamed the world's most untameable bad boy. And there's nothing prudish about that ...
PS. Bearded men have more sex ... say what?!
According to a survey, men with beards get luckier than clean-shaven blokes. Apparently not only do the women think it's sexier, but the men feel more confident, attractive and have more personality with a beard. Perhaps it's because they're hiding what's underneath, but if Russell Brand is anything to go by, the survey might not be that far off after all…
Friday, July 2, 2010
What and when is considered cheating?
For many the idea of paying for sex reeks of desperation, dirty old men and perhaps even a world gone wrong. But when a woman named Nicole (not her real name), contacted me saying she was eager to tell her side of the story about falling into the sex trade and then becoming the owner of one Asia’s most notorious brothels, I was intrigued to say the least.
Mostly because, as a singleton out on the dating scene, it’s become one of the deal breakers: does a man believe in paying for it? Would he do it once he was married? And is it cheating, or just a way of getting sex on the side without rocking the relationship boat?
According to Nicole, the answer to the philandering question is a definitive no. “Wives should be relieved that her husband has been having non-emotional sex and that he has chosen to pay for it rather than becoming entangled in an affair.”
And this is where things get interesting. The thought of having to quiz men about this topic (on the first date no less!) came to me after speaking to a woman who had been dating a newly divorced man. He had married an escort whom he had regularly visited and they had a child. But after five years, she left him to return to the industry.
When my friend asked this man about his sexual habits, it came to light that he still visited brothels every now and again. She promptly dumped him.
“It’s cheating!” she exclaimed. “It's behaviour I will not tolerate under any circumstances."
But is it really cheating? Not everyone believes so. A survey carried out in New Zealand discovered that one in five men have paid for sex, while one respondent claimed that it’s every man’s fantasy to visit a prostitute once in their life. Many (all men) said they wouldn’t consider it cheating but an extra-curricular activity.
According to the poll, it’s easier than dating (there's no dinner, conversation or difficult questions), it’s cheap (or sometimes not so cheap depending where you go), it’s exciting and they don't have to worry about dumping her the following morning. But is it all so cut and dry?
In order to get some answers I met James for lunch. I was unsure what to expect. The girl who greeted me was a statuesque, elegant, well-groomed, highly educated ex-high school teacher.
Here’s the conversation that transpired …
How long have you been involved in the industry and what got you into it?
“I was a single mum with no real support from my ex husband and living on around $600 a week. Compounding this was the fact that my parents weren’t even in the same state so I somehow had to fund traveling back and forth. Along with that experience came a strong sense of mortality and a desire to return to university to start a graduate law degree so I could stop resenting the fact I never had the opportunity due to a lack of finances when I first finished high school. However, I ultimately had even less money - until a guy friend of mine, who also happened to be a major consumer of sex services, suggested I stop complaining about reverting back to broke uni bum status, take a leap of faith and check out what it would be like working in a brothel. I did, it was easy and it meant I could stop worrying. My son was well looked after and I could pay for my textbooks along with basic things like, well, food and rent.”
How did you find the experience?
“I actually found it easy for a number of reasons. Firstly, I had always been quite open-minded, I have a naturally high sex drive and I enjoy sex. God forbid! Secondly, I believe that you can learn something from every person you meet and fortunately, as a bit of a talker I can have a conversation with anyone about pretty much anything. Lastly, I could see the job for what it is; it’s just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not emotional, it’s not degrading or dirty, it’s not damaging my soul and it’s not illegal. Don’t even get me started on the whole morality issue because quite frankly my dears, there is nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults. What is unfortunate is that long ago, along with the spread of Christianity came the notion that sex was for procreation and not recreation and that subsequently enforced a whole lot of guilt and confusion upon successive generations. But hey, who am I to judge?
Do you think paying for sex is different to an affair?
“I think that if you’re a guy out there looking for sex you need to remember affairs can be disastrous, they can become emotional and self-destruct. Paying for sex on the other hand is like any other commercial transaction, you pay for a service and when your time’s up you walk away. My boyfriend maintains it was much easier for him to see a hooker after a bad experience at the hands of his ex; he never saw it as paying for sex instead he paid for no call backs and no drama. With no emotional involvement, it meant no one was going to lie to him, cheat on him or hurt him; it was definitely an easier option. If you’re a married man who has no intention of leaving your wife, why start an affair that may ultimately cost you your marriage?”
What type of men – single, married, old or young – are the target market?
“A consumer might be your boss, your brother or father, the nice elderly couple who live next door or your husband. A sex worker could easily be your favourite aunt, your sister, your teacher or your wife. You would never know unless they told you.''
Why do the men come to you?
“Consumers who are married men tend to either be in unhappy relationships or they are in a loving relationship in which there is a distinct lack of sex. Again, my wise boyfriend interjects; when a woman gets married she thinks she can change a man and iron out his faults but when a man gets married he wants his wife to stay the same. I see the outcome of this. When a women lets herself go physically, when her sex drive wanes, when she resents the hours he spends at work or she becomes bored with tennis, shopping and children and takes it out on him; her husband is inevitably going to feel a little ripped off.
A friend of mine is a busy lawyer who lacks a bit of social confidence and finds it difficult to get a girlfriend so, quite logically, he is a consumer of sex services because it’s straightforward, non-emotional and uncomplicated. His best friend however is repulsed by the idea and instead insists on going out and picking up whenever he wants to get some action. Ladies, to do this he will lie to you, tell you what you want to hear and then after he gets what he wants, will leave you crying into your pillow. What would you prefer? Those that are in a relationship will pay for sex if they are not getting it, enough or at all, at home. They are really that simple.”
What advice do you have to women who find out that their husband / boyfriend has been hiring escorts?
“The first thing you need to do is be relieved he has been having non-emotional sex and he has had to pay for it rather than becoming entangled in an affair."
What do you think? Is paying for it cheating? Better than him having an affair? Would you condone it?
Have a fabulous weekend, and happy dating!!
Mostly because, as a singleton out on the dating scene, it’s become one of the deal breakers: does a man believe in paying for it? Would he do it once he was married? And is it cheating, or just a way of getting sex on the side without rocking the relationship boat?
According to Nicole, the answer to the philandering question is a definitive no. “Wives should be relieved that her husband has been having non-emotional sex and that he has chosen to pay for it rather than becoming entangled in an affair.”
And this is where things get interesting. The thought of having to quiz men about this topic (on the first date no less!) came to me after speaking to a woman who had been dating a newly divorced man. He had married an escort whom he had regularly visited and they had a child. But after five years, she left him to return to the industry.
When my friend asked this man about his sexual habits, it came to light that he still visited brothels every now and again. She promptly dumped him.
“It’s cheating!” she exclaimed. “It's behaviour I will not tolerate under any circumstances."
But is it really cheating? Not everyone believes so. A survey carried out in New Zealand discovered that one in five men have paid for sex, while one respondent claimed that it’s every man’s fantasy to visit a prostitute once in their life. Many (all men) said they wouldn’t consider it cheating but an extra-curricular activity.
According to the poll, it’s easier than dating (there's no dinner, conversation or difficult questions), it’s cheap (or sometimes not so cheap depending where you go), it’s exciting and they don't have to worry about dumping her the following morning. But is it all so cut and dry?
In order to get some answers I met James for lunch. I was unsure what to expect. The girl who greeted me was a statuesque, elegant, well-groomed, highly educated ex-high school teacher.
Here’s the conversation that transpired …
How long have you been involved in the industry and what got you into it?
“I was a single mum with no real support from my ex husband and living on around $600 a week. Compounding this was the fact that my parents weren’t even in the same state so I somehow had to fund traveling back and forth. Along with that experience came a strong sense of mortality and a desire to return to university to start a graduate law degree so I could stop resenting the fact I never had the opportunity due to a lack of finances when I first finished high school. However, I ultimately had even less money - until a guy friend of mine, who also happened to be a major consumer of sex services, suggested I stop complaining about reverting back to broke uni bum status, take a leap of faith and check out what it would be like working in a brothel. I did, it was easy and it meant I could stop worrying. My son was well looked after and I could pay for my textbooks along with basic things like, well, food and rent.”
How did you find the experience?
“I actually found it easy for a number of reasons. Firstly, I had always been quite open-minded, I have a naturally high sex drive and I enjoy sex. God forbid! Secondly, I believe that you can learn something from every person you meet and fortunately, as a bit of a talker I can have a conversation with anyone about pretty much anything. Lastly, I could see the job for what it is; it’s just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not emotional, it’s not degrading or dirty, it’s not damaging my soul and it’s not illegal. Don’t even get me started on the whole morality issue because quite frankly my dears, there is nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults. What is unfortunate is that long ago, along with the spread of Christianity came the notion that sex was for procreation and not recreation and that subsequently enforced a whole lot of guilt and confusion upon successive generations. But hey, who am I to judge?
Do you think paying for sex is different to an affair?
“I think that if you’re a guy out there looking for sex you need to remember affairs can be disastrous, they can become emotional and self-destruct. Paying for sex on the other hand is like any other commercial transaction, you pay for a service and when your time’s up you walk away. My boyfriend maintains it was much easier for him to see a hooker after a bad experience at the hands of his ex; he never saw it as paying for sex instead he paid for no call backs and no drama. With no emotional involvement, it meant no one was going to lie to him, cheat on him or hurt him; it was definitely an easier option. If you’re a married man who has no intention of leaving your wife, why start an affair that may ultimately cost you your marriage?”
What type of men – single, married, old or young – are the target market?
“A consumer might be your boss, your brother or father, the nice elderly couple who live next door or your husband. A sex worker could easily be your favourite aunt, your sister, your teacher or your wife. You would never know unless they told you.''
Why do the men come to you?
“Consumers who are married men tend to either be in unhappy relationships or they are in a loving relationship in which there is a distinct lack of sex. Again, my wise boyfriend interjects; when a woman gets married she thinks she can change a man and iron out his faults but when a man gets married he wants his wife to stay the same. I see the outcome of this. When a women lets herself go physically, when her sex drive wanes, when she resents the hours he spends at work or she becomes bored with tennis, shopping and children and takes it out on him; her husband is inevitably going to feel a little ripped off.
A friend of mine is a busy lawyer who lacks a bit of social confidence and finds it difficult to get a girlfriend so, quite logically, he is a consumer of sex services because it’s straightforward, non-emotional and uncomplicated. His best friend however is repulsed by the idea and instead insists on going out and picking up whenever he wants to get some action. Ladies, to do this he will lie to you, tell you what you want to hear and then after he gets what he wants, will leave you crying into your pillow. What would you prefer? Those that are in a relationship will pay for sex if they are not getting it, enough or at all, at home. They are really that simple.”
What advice do you have to women who find out that their husband / boyfriend has been hiring escorts?
“The first thing you need to do is be relieved he has been having non-emotional sex and he has had to pay for it rather than becoming entangled in an affair."
What do you think? Is paying for it cheating? Better than him having an affair? Would you condone it?
Have a fabulous weekend, and happy dating!!
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