Bigger Dreams for 2010

Looking back at 2009, I can say not bad at the rise in popularity of my brand name. I look at 2010 with my eyes wide open. The expectations are high and the dreams big. I want to reach my full potential... I want to chase excellence... I want to seek peace... I want to be a Santa all the 365 days of the year and spread tender love to all the people to I meet...

I want to walk the talk. I want to interact with the divine energy everyday. I have read somewhere that every thought in the human mind has a frequency. In addition, it emits a certain kind of energy. In addition, the Universe responds to the energy accordingly. No, wonder why it is the thought that leads to action and not vice versa.

Now, my thoughts are revolving around big things in life, The bigger the better. Bigger films, bigger cars, bigger house, bigger pay cheques and a bigger behind. Oooops… did I just say a bigger behind? Yes, I did.

For quite sometime, I have secretly wished for a bigger butt/wider hips. Guess, my mind strongly believes that my bum is petite. I hope that in early 2010, I shall fly to the US, meet some highly skilled surgeons, and get their first hand opinion about whether or not butt implants are safe to acquire my desired result. I had butt augmentation Jan 2009, silicon implants which I think the safest procedure but then I still want more shapes, unlike collagen and silicon oils could give you perfect results but dangerous in the end, so I not risk myself to that.

In addition, I want to learn underwater swimming. I am into freestyle swimming. However, I want to master the art of being at ease with oneself under water. There is a visual in Rihanna’s latest video (Russian Roulette) where she moves her body under water like a snake. Truly intoxicating!

Above all, I want to have a child-like attitude. Children, they say, form the largest population of inner-guide listeners. That, I guess is one of the reasons they tend to get into so much trouble with adults. I want to remind myself everyday that the ultimate goal in life is J-O-Y, and it is my responsibility to create it for myself. And it cannot be done without focus, intent and practice.”

A Kickass 2010!

Why I Heart New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve is almost here and I can’t wait! Not because I want to get started on those resolutions (drinking responsibly, organizing my life, hitting the gym 3 times a week…bleh), but because it’s hands down one of my favorite holidays. This is the one holiday when you can get totally tanked, and it’s totally cool! I mean, think about it: sure we sneak booze at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but for this one we can do it out in the open!

And who doesn’t love getting all dolled up party clothes and going out for a fabulous evening on the town? I love getting together with my girlfriends to celebrate all the fun times we’ve had in the past year, while forgetting all the sh*t times and vowing to start fresh (which doesn’t always happen, but whatever, we try!).

There’s something about starting a new year that gives me goosepimples. You are balancing between the old and the exciting, unknown and totally awesome new; it is exhilerating. Thinking about all the things that happened in the past year (like finally breaking up with that d-bag boyfriend) and looking forward to things that will happen next year (like, “Holy crap I’m ready for a new relationship, possible to lead to marriage! Now what?”).

Not to mention, I’ve always thought that getting a midnight kiss from your special someone is one of the most romantic things EVER! Or just making out with a random might be fun too. How can anyone not love this night?

Resolutions For The Rest of Us

This the season for reflection, and I am reflecting on my past year and groaning. There were highs, and there were lows, and there were things that should never happen again for the sake of my dignity and overall well-being. The 2009 version of me was a lesser version of the forthcoming 2010 edition; I just know it. 2010 will be the year of Sophia, 2.0!
So this New Year’s Eve, I am resolving to put an end to all of those things that kept me down and out. And, quite frankly, I think there are few things we should all resolve to leave in ‘09. Let’s all make (and keep) these resolutions together:

Facebook:
FB, you are the bane of my existence. What girl in their right mind ever thought it was a good idea to habitually post status updates that were simply begging for attention? Or listing off her exact whereabouts 24/7 so those creepy Facebook surfers could follow her around? FB is just another avenue for people to have a public pity party, to incite revenge via pictures making out with strange dudes, to stalk exes and so on. Say it with me: this year, I resolve to take a step back from the computer and live life not on Facebook’s terms. Or on my ex boyfriend’s Newsfeed.

Men:
In 2010, we should all resolve to not let a guy dictate our mood. Yes, men have the ability to make us the happiest we’ve ever been, but they can also make us curl up in the fetal position and cry for one week straight. One bad breakup has the power to put me in a state of hibernation until family and friends recognize me as a full-fledged hermit with cookie dough in my hair, and I know I’m not the only one. This year, I refuse to let whatever is happening in my love life affect the rest of my life. Because if the world revolved around a single man, we’d all be in big trouble.

Health:
This year, we will not insist our jeans fit us when our extra “baggage” spills over the top. Acceptance is the first step towards recovery from the unsightly muffin top and that deep red ring around our belly button that comes with it. Holding on to our delusions of still being a size 4, even after we binge-ate holiday food for over a month, is not healthy. Rather than walking around in ill-fitting clothes, let’s resolve to hit the gym instead.

Opportunity:
Let’s all resolve to embrace opportunities in all forms. Whether it’s a date with a guy you don’t know that well or simply trying something you’ve never done before (jeggings, anyone?), let’s make 2010 the year where nothing is off limits. I think I will take a page out of Yes Man’s book (OK, movie) and make myself more available to opportunity and adventure. Because, well, why not?

Alcohol:
Let’s spend 2010 not acting like a drunken Lindsay Lohan impersonator…. ever (again). Nobody likes that girl. That girl is always the one acting inappropriate in front of guys. She’s the one bitching out her friends for no good reason. She’s the one who comes home and eats the entire contents of the fridge… while she waits for her delivery. And unless you take pleasure in one-night stands, a beer gut, nip slips and vomit chunks in one’s hair, nothing good ever happens for this girl. I love my vodka, but I love my pride a whole lot more.

At least in 2010, I do.

The Essential Christmas, Spending Day Alone

I would like to give everyone a gentle reminder and, hopefully, a little strength to not go overboard with Christmas spending. I've received a few emails recently from readers who feel they need to indulge their family and friends with Christmas gifts, even though they're on a tight budget and trying to move out of debt.

It's a difficult balance to achieve. On the one hand you're evolving into a new way of living that even if it doesn't involve paying off debt, is frugal and non-consumerist. On the other hand, you want to show your love and friendship to those you give gifts to, you want to celebrate and be part of the season and that involves gift giving.

Christmas is a time for family and friends to get together to honour their religious convictions, celebrate the season of good will and to reconnect with loved ones. There is no tradition that I'm aware of, apart from the con that advertisers try to pull about buying everything you can, that urges us to spend beyond our means. But I am a realist and I know that urge is there. Christmas needs to be part of your year-round strategy of being true to your own values of thrift, conservation and caring for your family and yourself. That doesn't include providing a luxury goods and toys splurge that you'll be paying for well into next year. Even if you can afford such a splurge, your new found values would, I hope, guide you towards a more frugal Christmas.

Give gifts that reflect your new values. Give, and receive, in the true spirit of Christmas, be generous with your love, acceptance, tolerance and kindness and you will be rewarded with the knowledge that you stayed true to yourself. Remember that everything you do is watched by your children, you are teaching them how to be. If you run around like a headless chook (chicken), buying too much with too little, that is what you'll teach them to do when they grow up. But my feeling is that if you are reading this, you want to give up your headless chook days and move more into a feeling of relaxed celebration; the kind that provides the feeling of abundance without dollar signs attached to it. So if you need to reduce your Christmas spending bit by bit, do that, but at least make an effort to make your Christmas not totally about expensive gifts and more about the embrace of your family.

Don't keep up with the Joneses. They're probably in debt up to their ears. Be glad that the sum total of your life adds up to more than shopping. You may well become the new leader in your family; the one who starts the frugal revolution. My feeling is that many people want to stop spending so much at Christmas but they don't know how to stop. Show them. Show them, by example, that a gift hand made with love, or picked with care at the fair trade store, is the best expression of the season that is not about expensive gifts but about love, peace and goodwill to all.

Lace and Lingerie Photoshoot

TOP 10 Signs She's Flirting‏

Hi ladies and gentlemen,

I thought I would lighten up the mood a bit with this cute piece. I guess I just need to feel how fun it is to be who we are right now :-)

Flirting is almost an art form. It takes much practice to execute the subtle signals of interest with perfect timing. Thankfully, there is no shortage of flirting tips for men out there. However, flirting is only half the battle. To truly make your rapport with a woman successful, you need to recognize when she's flirting with you .
Women are masters of subtlety, so it's your job to remain especially aware of every gesture, every word, and every move she throws your way. Always remember that attentiveness is key.
a word to the wise

Although the signs that a woman is interested in you can boil down to these 10 points, you need to know that any single point can be deceptive. The lady you're chatting up may be an attention-seeking serial flirter with no intentions of ever going on a date with you.
Or she might simply be very nice and friendly with everyone, not just you. If you see her often (at work, for example), a good way to tell is by paying attention to how she reacts to others. If it's the same way she behaves with you, then don't get your hopes up.
The following flirting signs are good for all settings, whether in a coffee shop, restaurant, nightclub, or at work. So sharpen your senses and read on.

Number 10
She keeps glancing over. Are her eyes aimed at you every time you look her way? And does she avert her gaze whenever you catch her staring? Then you might have a live one here. If she doesn't prolong the eye contact, then she's probably shy and needs a little coaxing from you. Go up to her, introduce yourself, and get her talking.

Number 9
She smiles at you. The smile is the ultimate sign of openness and friendliness, provided it is genuine. Many people force a smile when trying to be polite, but they tend to be fairly obvious about it. If she shows her teeth and has that sparkle in her eye, then you can deduce that she's enjoying your company. Your only job is to keep her smiling by smiling back.

Number 8
She goes out of her way to get you to notice herseIf, on her way from point A to point B, she takes an unnecessary detour through point C (you), she might be trying to get your attention. For instance, if she walks by your table "on her way" to the washroom in a coffee shop, but your table is located at the opposite end of the restrooms, she is probably interested. Why else would she be taking the long way? If she smiles at you on her way, consider your job half done.

Number 7
She plays with her hair. Women's hair is a source of power and confidence to them -- why else would they get so devastated after a bad haircut? They tap into its power at key moments, subconsciously unleashing its seductive potential. If you see her twirling her finger through it or throwing it around, like in a shampoo commercial, then you have a potential flirt in your midst.
This goes for body language in general. Some women like exposing their necks, prepping their clothes, or placing their arms in front of them in a way that their biceps push their breasts together, augmenting their cleavage. Some magazines tell women to let their shoes dangle at their toes, displaying the curvature of their feet, which men, apparently, associate with their other curves. However, if she's crossing her arms, it means she's distancing herself. Be alert.

Number 6
She initiates the conversation. Taking the first step to initiate a connection with you is a huge sign that she's interested. If she tells you something like "You remind me of someone I know," which begs a response and subsequent conversation, that's a concrete sign.
During the conversation, she may further convey her interest by asking you open-ended questions -- watch out fellas, they're starting to use our own weapons against us! She might also whisper "secrets" to you, bringing your faces close together, perhaps letting you get a good whiff of her perfume.
Is she repeating your name back to you?
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Number 5
She laughs at your jokes. When you relate a funny story, does she throw her head back in riotous laughter or does she just look at you and say, "Is that supposed to be funny?" A big part of flirting involves reactions to the partner, so if she acts captivated by your words, you're in the green. Other reactions that convey approval include asking "really?", "wow" and opening her mouth in amused disbelief.

Number 4
She asks if you like certain activities. Does she ask you about your hobbies? Is she being more specific, and asking you if you like a particular pastime? Although she is not actually asking you for a date, it's an implied way of doing it. She could be leading up to asking you out or paving the ground for you to pop the question instead. If the activity in question is dancing, movies or dinner, then it is almost certain.

Number 3
She pays you a compliment. Women are sparse with compliments, so if she throws one your way, you can pat yourself on the back. This is especially good if it has to do with your physique, as this implies that she is attracted to you. Another way she may demonstrate her interest is by repeating your name, letting you know that you are memorable and establishing a closer, more intimate connection with her.

Number 2
She makes sexual comments. Some women like to put themselves in the mood by talking about things that turn them on. It brings out their frisky side. So if she steers the conversation to sexy topics, she could be trying to pull you into a flirting crescendo that might lead to a veritable verbal foreplay. Most times they will keep it understated and tasteful, so you should do the same. A crass slip-up is a sure-fire way to ruin the rapport.

Number 1
She touches you. When a woman breaks the contact barrier during a conversation, it is almost a sure sign that she's interested. It can be as obvious as touching your arm or knee while making a point, or as faint as having her knees come into contact with yours under the table. But you must make sure that she makes the first skin convergence.
A less direct way is if she mirrors your body language, which is something women do subconsciously. When you lean in, she leans in. When you rest your elbows on the table, she does the same. Duplicating your actions is her way of showing you that she's "in-synch" with you.

Vivacious Redefines Justification

One State of Compromise‏

This is where a matter of opinion rests, not judgment, that is no one can say what is right and what is wrong for another person, and we will all handle our affairs in a way that we see fit and best at the time. So long as all things are done with compassion I say. This is just something to consider...let me add, please forgive the simplification of all this. This is an ideal.

In writing about opening up to a future spouse I have this also this to add, "What world do I live in?" yes me, my world apart from all others, as if I were alone, "What is best for my world?". Sounds "selfish" perhaps, but it ultimately is not, one must be "selfish" enough so as to consider the happiness of all we love.

Because, we create the world we live in, if we are not in tune with who we are or selfish enough to know ourselves, and we are in a way where we reflect the expectations and emotions and approval of all, even our spouses, at the expense of our own, we fall victim to such "giving" decisions such as marriage to a person when we are so incomplete and disconnected.

Under such circumstances we all know of the potential catastrophy that can result, along with its mediocre existences. Yes we may be married by now, but should that philosophy now alter, why? Must I only be partially complete for my love once I have discovered myself? And would that be any good? Bare with me.

Marriage for me is not a martyrdom, nor is it a possession. I own no one and no one owns me. Yes, that certainly does leave me open to the whims of another philosophically, but the reality is we are anyway. But more inportantly, it leaves me open to be loved truly and completely for who I am and not what I am expected to be, for my love loves me for free. With that idea, would I also not be more likely to give my love the same in return?

I do not believe in that kind of compromise, where we must soften what we are or withhold truth any longer to spare a loves feelings. Feelings have a way of sticking around with such compromise, because the ground under which we stand is soft! Sounds harsh, but faith is what I had to learn in my loves ability to understand. Faith that one could see past their fears eventually, to make a choice of what is good for us both. My job? To just stick around and let them know I am not going anywhere.

Yes it could be a great upheaval and I dont say that lightly. But no life is without drama and I will not stop myself because prison, and a diluted life is a drama too, because for me the cost is far greater then finding my love leave me for something else better for them, and again faith in the process of truth is a surprising thing, with many ups and downs sometimes, but never ultimately regreted for itself.

Freedom next to love, is the most important thing to me even within a marriage. Not the kind that has no regard, or care, that is not love. But as difficult as it may seem, I for one would comply if my love wanted to build a ladder to the moon, I just might even hand them a hammer. It is not my place to tell my love who they are, it is only my place to accept it or not. If they change can I ask them to only be 50% of what they are? Not me, I wont do it, personally I don't feel I have the right, and secondly I don't want 50% of a person. If I don't like it, that unfortunately IS my problem, and yes I must make a choice and will. But then again, in such a place I can also build a ladder to Venus, and what can my love tell me but, "do it honey"?

So you see for me it is all about the nature of the relationship and what we think relationships are. It is a conscience matter, left to the individual, because there are no rules in love. How I see it, I want 100% of my love, not just for me but for the relationship itself, and my loves happiness, how can I claim to want that for someone if I wont let them fully and completely be. To have a fraction of the one I love facing me, would frankly leave me cheated, and left with that all to familiar feeling that one is living a diluted experience.

Meeting On-Line, What's more hurtful: Playing games or being blunt honest?

This guy just told me that I was unpleasant and he doesn't like that. So I laughed, I think this guy like the game from a woman who he meets on line, like Hi sweetie, I like you and so forth. Well, I don't do that. I speak through my mind and heart, it goes together..but most of the men use their second head and other women use her head to get this guy. It's like winning a lotto without a ticket? That's rubbish!

There is big difference between" friendly and flirty". I'd be hypocrite if I never tried flirting at all, but I rather flirt with friends in public, not one on one conversation, it might lead to someone a different meaning...still I am respectful to others. I just don't like to hear some men telling me all this bullocks and sweet words just to get into my panties. Hell No! I throw fire and test him how far he can go, one thing I learned..

A real man never gets upset from a lady who is blunt in fact it's an attitude, meaning--not easy to be tempted or be fooled. A fake man calls her many names and ETC because men are egotistical. Most men can't accept of being rejected specially if they think they are powerful, they always think no woman can decline them because I am rich, I am good looking, I have nice body bla and bla. At some point, I have met a lot so far, so I don't take any offense nor get myself into strain.

I admit, I love posting myself in many sites but I never have thought I could have thousands of clicks and admiration, so in return to what they're doing..I rather post a blog and share things to both Ts's and Men who is finding a date, fun and marriage, that's all I know to say Thank You. I would be a liar if I am not looking for a man, but nonetheless I wait for the right one, the best one and the deserving one. For me, a real man would find ways to speak with me about his intentions, not a random " COPY and PASTE" messages to all ladies in that website because I can tell if the content has been sent to many, or just for me. I am completely happy and lucky having a gift of wisdom, that's why I chose Sophia which means " WISDOM".

I enjoy posting images of myself to represent myself as a woman with class and glamor, but most men think I collect men and I am sleeping different men, it's a funny and hilarious judgment I ever had encountered. They just don't know who's behind those images. Me? If I see a guy naked, I never judge he is an asshole because he just shows what he is, rather than being a man no picture in his profile but he is find of collecting. But then I always been neutral, I give them a chance but 1 on 1 basis. What I am trying to divulge is..I admit I have many messages but I choose only one then talk a little bit, if he pass my standards which I like intellectual men, then I focus then let other queues in line, if he happens he lost his chance, then that's the time I give others a chance, I am not like others who chat 10,20,30 at one time? How can you find serious and what love is? I don't see a logic from there, UNLESS your profile is only for fun and sex, then no more questions being asked. No dramas, no words and nothing but a casual flirting or casual sex. But most of the people seem they don't know what the difference between real and sweet? arrogant and pleasant? Anyway, we can't please anybody. This guy quoted me. you are not beautiful and I can find lot of TS who are pleasant and prettier, so I laughed. I don't level myself to other TS anywhere part of the world, I have my own style and I know I have heart and brain, having a + is a part of a bonus package. HAHAHA

So I played a trick. I tried to be pleasant and I met him. That way I can tell him straight on his face what I am trying to do online to men who has idiotic behavior.

This was the scenario...I met this guy in a classy bar in Fiamma, for celebrities and I walked towards him, he was mesmerized and tongue-tied. I started to make a conversation and I can see his face of embarassment. That moment, I know he doesn't meant what he said to me online, he was just pissed-off because I was the first person who speaks blunt, and it was his first time being treated like an asshole. I was smiling and I tried to get his attention, so then I opened up why I am like that online, I gave him a brief and concise explanations, and he said, you are right Sophia. So he asked me these questions: Are you celebrity? I replied why? No because when you walking all here are looking at you, so I said, is that my fault? So I asked back, so why you called me ugly huh? It's just that you made me upset and that's the only way I could hurt you..Me? I never get hurt by that, infact I love it. UNLESS I wasn't sure of myself then I would feel bad..Then lastly, have you studied in UK or US, why? You sounds educated and I can tell your writings and the way you talk now is one person..Ofcourse I am beyond real. Not all people who writes are real, copy and paste or someone is making it for them, so the best way to know a person is face to face or phone call. Emaling and chatting is only an immiediate way of knowing some details or urgent matters, what's the use of mobile phone and airbuses? HAHAHA

In addition, he said, you are awesome woman, you have all men what a man want, So I sarcastically said, Yes I know that's why I am very strict and the only way to meet a real one is to " test" by any means. No wonder a lot people meeting online have deceived and fooled because they reply on " KEYBOARDS FREE CHATS", you can't never find a person real or not by that way. Even couple spending 10-20-30 years still have hidden secrets to each other, how much more two completely strangers? Most of them live by fantasy, they like the thought of dreaming and experiencing beyond their limits, sorry to say I am both Fantasy and a Reality so I am lucky I guess. HAHAHA

So after that little conversations, I was already relax and he was too. We enjoyed the wine and we danced. Now he sees himself how bubbly and sweet woman I am in real world. LESSON: Internet is a machine designed to find and browse your type, but to know the person, you have to meet. Enough tip?

VIEWS:

I would rather have someone that is blunt honest with me, and not lead me on and vice versa. So when I went on a date with him I guess I should have been like: Ew, you're f*cking gross. You're way too freaking hairy, you're fat, and you have the personality of a rock.You need to see a psychiatrist and get your life together, you pathetic jobless *ss. How dare you lie about your age, and represent yourself with a picture that looks nothing like you. And then go back to my car and go home.

But no... I was too nice. I tried to look past his flaws and enjoyed the date as much as I could. Then politely gave him the news that it wasn't going to work out the next day. I told him: "You're not my type, and its not going to work between us" like the nice person I try to be. I guess in order to be nice we have to play games. Am I being more hurtful this way? really!?

I would say playing games most of the people doing in a dating site. However just purely looking at the question I would say honest. Notice I take away the word blunt. There is never an excuse to be hurtful or disrespectful to a person. However there is no point giving someone the impression there is a future in a relationship, when there isn't.

I'm not taking sides in their argument with these guys. However I can see ranting and ramble. Some men were trying to spare his feelings and he was under the impression there was a relationship, when there wasn't! It probably wasn't either one of theirs faults, just one of those examples of how two different points of view can end up with very different results! You can be blunt and honest or you can be blunt, honest, and whatever else... but 'blunt honest' is quite an annoying blend.

I don't wish to hurt others. Normally I'm sure I would have said just what you did. But when I think about it, maybe that is more unkind than helpful. Ordinarily I would fudge a little bit, but if this guy doesn't look like his pics, is really fat, gross and older than he claimed to be, I would feel deceived and annoyed. In such a situation, I might now say, with a calm and honest voice,

"Hey, you really don't look anything like you did in the picture you sent me. That must have been taken years ago. Sorry, but I realize that you are really not my type at all.

"I'm sure you have good qualities, but right now I feel really misled and disappointed.

"I don't want to waste your time or mine this evening, so I think I'll go home now. Have a good night."

And the reason I would say it like that is so he realizes he is either lying to himself, to others, or both -- which is not right.

28th Birthday

When I started blogging two years ago I never thought I would come this far. I did not expect that I would keep on doing this for this long, because I’m such a moody person and I get bored quickly. Nevertheless, I don't really chat people on messengers so I'd rather share in public, and it just feels great. What started as a fun toy to play with has become an integral part of my life that I’m enjoying the most. Through this blog I’ve met some great people, and had some really interesting experiences.

Another year older, another excuse to eat cake! I can't believe I just turned 28 today. I threw ideas back and forth myself for a month. Should I cook an extravagant 6 course meal to my friends or shall I travel in a luxury hotel myself? Should I table my experiments and finally follow directions to bake a cake? Finally I decided that birthdays should also be about giving back to yourself. My 25th birthday was like a " Wedding" I reckoned I spent 8000 USD, sounds crazy huh? It's my first time to be away with family and real friends, so no point of celebrating. So in the spirit of stimulating the economy, I planned an adventurous spending myself with a nice champagne in the hotel room at Ritz-Carlton.

As I've spent hours viewing the moonlight, I didn't realised I was a bit emotional..I have many question to myself, Sophia what do you really want in your life? I pause for a second, then I smirched. Maybe it's the alcohol driving me to frenzied heights..So I conked my head and decided to go for a walk, get some fresh air and take a look at the bar. I was relax so I have the courage to walk by myself. I wore my Burberry wardrobe, Gucci heels with my paired purse, light make-up, curled- hair and pouty lips gloss. I think every woman it's a dream to be complimented and admired, but all I know I have a sophisticated face, HAHAHA! Narcissism!. I walked straight to the bar and sat on a long chair, I lit my cigar whilst waiting for my " blowjob" cock-tail with flaming ferrari. I was a bit cheeky to the bartender though..also there's a guy next to me alone and smiling.

I was having fantastic chit-chat with the guy who happens to be a Filipino so I was enjoying the night. The guy was trying to get my attention but I was a bit snobbish, I guess it's my nature. I go to bars, to drink and enjoy, not to flirt and get laid..Not my cup of tea. But the the guy looks timid so I started to have a conversation and didn't know we were laughing the whole night. We took a walk after the bar and shared some " boring" life.. He walked thru the hotel with me and making sure I get back to my room safely.

When I got up this morning, I tried to remember what I was doing, so someone registered in my memory--Oh the guy at the bar. Hmmm, I smiled and think!..Does this guy thought I was a woman? Geez, I always have this thoughts playing in my mind everytime I am out. I was very bothered, he seems nice and hot, wish I have him in my bed as a present, wink!

Trying to get up and made a coffee, still the guy is in my mind..Would he knocks on my door or give me a ring and see each other again tonight? What would I wear? What should I do? I feel like I'm a teenager. I have to go back to my world. I checked facebook and other sites where I'm on and happy to see friends and family have greeted me on this special day..So much BIG thank you's.

I want to thank all readers, especially those who leave comments in my other sites, and I apologize to them because I can’t find time to keep up with all comments. I wish I had more time. I wish I had more time for comments, more time to read, write, travel, and do many things, but oh… that’s another post.

On a related note, I just turned 28 today Nov. 19th. Now I need a bubble bath and tea. I must be ready for the rest of the day.

Dream Catcher‏

Each of us has their dreams and hopes, so do I. I dream about a family life that will be able to fulfill my life and that is going to be my world. There is nothing worse than loneness and days that are similar to each other that sometimes you don’t realize if it is a new day or not. I want so much to wake up early in the morning with the first sunrise and to awake my beloved man with the aroma of the hot coffee and fresh morning. It is so pleasant to feel the warm embrace and the tender care of a dear and loved person in a difficult moment.

I dream about a family where only love, happiness and sincerity have place. In my dream I see a cozy, warm house where everything is in its place, where laugh of our children is heard, where the smell of the cooked meal is around, the meal I have cooked with all my love for my dear. I am a lively person and I like being around a lot of people. I have a lot of friends and I like communicating with them as I am a communicative person it is easy for me to make new friends. I am reliable person and faithful and I ask the same in return from the people I am with. I like being around people, learning something new from them. I like traveling and I really enjoy when I travel. To get to know new countries, people, culture, what is more interesting? I also go in for sports; go out, like preparing good food, listening to music, going to cinema, swimming. I am an art lover, I like literature, especially the historical one. I like animals a lot, especially cats and dogs.

Even if it seems that I am a happy person and I have everything in this life something misses and this is a reliable and loving man next to me. I am looking for him all around the world and I am sure that he is looking for me as well. I know we will meet and we’ll find the happiness and mutual love. He should be kind-hearted, reliable, with good sense of humor, with a strong character and at the same time he should respect the woman who is next to him. I hope to meet an understanding and well-bred man who will be able to color my days and next to him I will feel useful, loved, and just a wanted woman. Find me and be with me…

Wiiling a change

For me, in this situation where I am now, my antidepressant medications turned on me and at the present time I am not on medication. If someone is on antidepressants, they should stay there until they are told to stop. Medication is something that can help - it took me a long struggle to get to that realization because I hate any type of drugs - but they have a place. For me, Remeron was what cleared my head to a certain degree, allowed me to get some sleep, pulled me out of the depression to a point that I could see a few things. It did not stop the destructive behavior though.

Willing a change - making the decision that you want to win over this illness is the first step. Everyone here on this list has made that decision in some sort of way or they would not be here. That is willing a change.

Willing a change - making a decision to take your antidepressant medication in order to fight this depression / illness is willing a change to a certain degree.

Willing a change - is getting up in the morning - whether it be to go to work or walk around the house is fighting this illness.

Willing a change - is taking the tools that the professionals give us and using them. If you are on antidepressant medication - taking them. If you are in counseling - going. If you need help that day - reaching out.

Willing a change - is reaching out and deciding that things are not good and things need to change, that you want to fight. No matter what degree you do this if you make any effort you are working towards getting better and beating this illness - that is willing a change.

For me, the turning point was finding my true God and accepting His forgiveness for the horrible things that I had done and developing a desire to change my behavior and thus change my outlook on things. Taking a look at the people around me and discovering that change is possible, taking a good look at myself and discovering that change is possible.

Is this willing a change? No, this is consciously making a decision to turn my life around and fight what is wrong with me. Does that mean that there are not days that I still do things that are destructive? No, it means that the things that I do are less destructive. Instead of doing things that I did in the past, when that desire comes over me, I go and talk to someone. Instead of going back to the past sins/compulsions, I tell not only God but my friend and in telling them, it puts it out on the table and makes the compulsion come into the light where I can see it for what it really is - wrong. It is something that will send me back into the darkness that I am daily struggling to stay out of. It is something that I want to beat.
Checking your thinking. I check my thinking each and every minute. I almost took on a case that could have sent me back to where I used to be. I talked it out with honesty. I was rationalizing that there were failsafes in place and things would be okay. But my husband was right - even with the failsafes, it could happen in a moment of weakness. I do not want to take that chance. This is willing a change.

This is not easy and there have been times that it has beaten me down and I thought that I was not going to make it. Going back, and not caring, looked really good. I pulled out some things and read them - this is willing a change.

To me, willing a change is doing things that are good for you in the long run and fighting this illness. Not giving up is willing a change.

Broken Dreams

Darling, I take no exception to myself. All you say is right and how can I feel anything but shame. I know I have done wrong but I have been unable to do anything else. Baby, I am sick, I am mentally and physically sick. I am in constant pain twenty-four hours of the day. Trying to think is a definite effort for me. I love you baby, there is, nor can there be anyone but you. The Hell on earth I have gone through is unbelieveable. I see your face in every succession of hotels and restaurants. I can do nothing, I cannot think except of you.

I'm a sick, lonely woman, baby. Much of it if not all of it is my responsibility. I simply cannot exist without you. The things? Hell darling, if you can't solve it we might as well forget them. If all the concrete results of your life and my life mean so little to you they can mean no more to me. Let them go. I have a little plans anyway for us. Damn! Darling! All the hard days we lived together and now that we're economically sound you slip it off. Sure, if you pursue what we have started you've got me but I still think we can live and find happiness, or content. I'm tired and I'm sick and I love you, darling. Each thing I do is wrong but it was never that way together. You've had Hell? Whatever went before I am probably more responsible than anyone concerned. Yours has been a nowhere terms whereas mine has been something it is impossible to live with. A load? Sure, but no worse than the current problem, and, it might save me. I probably won't do any better today than I did last night. I'll try however. You have the preponderance of right on your side. I do not question that. I feel that I have some things on my side. From the time were together , I blew completely to Hell.

The things I did you knew I'd do when I was without your controlling influence. There is a certain amount of brilliance but damned little basic intelligence. The things I do I don't want to do. I only find it impossible to do any other way. You want surety and secureness? There it is. You handle it. I'm sorry Darling, I have too many memories and all of them beautiful. I remember the touch and the feel of you. I remember the passion you had for cokes and mysteries and the look of you coming down the street to meet me. I remember so much. I wish to God I could forget it. You are the only man I have ever loved -- there have been others, yes, but you are the only one who has been of any importance to me. God Almighty! Can't you find any kindliness in your heart for me? I need you. We had been perfect natural sweet loving couple together ( a team ). There is what you are talking about. Oh Darling, let's have our home and our dreams and our quietness and the laughter over small things. Let's go back and do all that we had planned. I have not had a good meal for over four days. It hasn't made a great deal of difference. I'm still in pain and I'm still very lonely for you. I think I know what it is and in my own stupid way I'd like to do it. I would be here waiting for you patiently. The days have been tough for you. My sorrow does not replace. Yours will be the last name I speak. I love you.

Missing you so badly!

A fairy tale‏

Once upon a time, there was this beautiful, Young Girl who lived in a
city called Life.

Unfortunately, this girl had not been born perfect and this imperfection
worried and disturbed her. Apart from this, the Young Girl was kind to
her family and her friends. She worked hard at her job and was mostly
happy, but never felt she could be truly happy because of her physical
imperfection. The fact was, this girl was really quite beautiful and
nobody except her ever noticed that there was anything wrong about her
at all. In spite of this, and in spite of all the admiration she would
receive, the Young Girl felt she needed to "change". She felt she HAD to
change, so that she could find what she really yearned for - True
Happiness.

What the girl did not realize, was that every change comes at a cost.

The need to change became so strong and the girl became so impatient,
that she made a decision to stop her work and to try something
completely different. The Young Girl had heard that there were certain
paths through the City of Life, which looked incredibly interesting and
absolutely wonderful. She had heard that some of these paths were full
of mystery and danger, but also held the chance of great opportunity.
Innocent of the depth of the dangers that lurked behind the beauty and
mystery of these paths, the Young Girl made a decision - she was going
to go down the Central Path.

For the next six years, the Young Girl journeying down the Central Path.
The hardships she had to endure were more than she could ever have
imagined - she had become blinded by the glitter, the false fame, the
false admiration and the false love. She had no idea that all the
glitter was really of no substance - all the words, all the promises she
had heard from the Admirers were worth nothing - they all belonged to
the illusion, for which the Central Path had become famous. Although the
Young Girl had set out to change her life and ultimately to find True
Happiness, all she had achieved was to change herself in such a way,
that she could cope with the lies, the cheating and the deception she
was witnessing. The Young Girl had become a Woman - no longer the
innocent, beautiful, compassionate Young Girl, but a Woman. A Woman who
no longer shone with the beauty. No longer showed the compassion. Due to
the pain and suffering, the Young Girl had lost the ability to discern
truth from deceit .

With her feelings so blunted, what the Young Girl had failed to notice
was that one of the "Admirers" was not really just an admirer - he was
"different" - he had been sent on a mission.

The Man was patient. Despite his patience, if the Woman felt or was
reminded of the past pain inflicted upon her from her Admirers, she
would become extremely ugly. The ugliness had always been so shocking to
the Admirers, that were then motivated to try more and more lies and
tricks to change the ugliness back into the Young Girl - and so get what
they wanted.
Unfortunately, by the time the Man had found her, the Young Girl had
almost ceased to exist - the ugly Woman had almost completely taken her
over. The Man was different. The difference was that he was genuine. He
could also see the beauty of the Young Girl hidden behind the ugly shell
of the Woman. The Man somehow knew that he had been sent, he knew it was
his destiny to free the spirit of the Young Girl from this ugliness. He
knew that only then, could the girl find True Happiness. However, in
spite of the Man's love, the Woman fought and fought to retain her hold
on the Young Girl. The closer the Man got, the uglier the Woman would
become until one day, something happened.

The Man suddenly sensed that it was not his destiny to be with the Young
Girl always - it was only his destiny to free the spirit of the Young
Girl. Something "higher", powerful, something pure and Good was to take
over the Man's role in guiding the Young Girl towards her True
Happiness. However, when the Man's heart was led away from the Young
Girl, he did not recognize that he had achieved what he was sent to do -
he was just deeply upset, as he thought he had failed the Young Girl,
whom he had loved. The Young Girl too was extremely sad. She found
herself in a state of shock and disbelief. But something had changed -
the Young Girl had broken the power of the ugly Woman, who had gradually
managed to take control of her over the years. The Young Girl became
truly beautiful again - again, she was compassionate and understanding.
She tried to contact the Man, but he could not reply - he was not
allowed to reply until the Higher Something permitted. The Man yearned
for the love he had once had in his heart, but he could not feel the
same love - in stead, he found Understanding. The Understanding told the
Man that he had to let the Young Girl go, so that her freed spirit could
continue her journey to True Happiness and finally meet the person she
would spend her life with. He understood, that he must let the Young
Girl start again and, using the Good that the Higher Something had given
back to her, she was to journey through the City of Life with only the
Good to guide her.

Ultimately, the Man knew that the Higher Something was right and that
the only way the Young Girl could reach True Happiness in the City of
Life, was if she herself used the Good within her and began to build her
own future. The Man had to accept his destiny - he had to let the Young
Girl go, but prayed hard to the Higher Something that it would remain
with the Young Girl, until she had reached True Happiness.

At first, the Young Girl was confused and, like the Man, deeply sad. But
just as the Man had began to understand, the Young Girl also began to
understand. So she set out again along the journey through the City of
Life, knowing that she had to rely on the Good and upon herself to guide
her towards True Happiness. She knew the journey would not be easy, but
also knew that this fact would make True Happiness even more wonderful,
when she had reached it - by being led by the power of the Good.

Men infidelity - Why do women stick to men who stray?‏

In public eyes, she’s look pity and suffering. Everyone knew his man had
been cheated on her. But, why until now she’s still standing by his
side? In relationship, accepting your partner for who he is, are good
thing but if his behaviours are more into flirting and affairs, would
you continue stand by him? Maybe it’s okay to give him second chance if
he regret for what he did and asking for forgiveness. But, if he takes
advantage of your generosity, is it worthy to get heart broken for
another infidelity? Some girls, so patient in maintaining their
relationship to prove how good they are in keeping their guy stay
beside them. No matter how bad things get, they just can’t let their
cheating guys go.

The question is, why? Does it for life warranty, financial support,
dignity, selfishness or love? No matter how much we guess the reason
why and feel sorry for them, for sure, these girls have their own point
of view regarding their man. However, staying with man who continuously
betrays you in long-term is not healthy. It may causes to depression,
boredom or mentality problem if you keep pushing yourself into the
unfair relationship. Why annihilate your future and changes in finding
a better man just for one cheating guy? So, now, should you forgive him
or, walk away, fast?

Keep staying or let go?

Sometimes,women in love keep the other eyes close when things goes wrong with
their man to avoid more troubles in future. They believe that men have
their transition time at certain ages and everything going to be
alright when that phases elapse. But, we all know, there’s no such
thing! Men who stray shouldn’t eligible for forgiveness. But, every
woman has their own reasons to stay and maintain their relationship.
Married women who have children are more compromise to protect her
family and normally they will give more than one chances for their
partner to change their bad behaviors. They choose to stay and put
extra effort to solve problems for the sake of the kids and themselves.

Actually trying to work things out is a good reason because if they can survives
and start a new life as a couple, it will give a good example to the
kids to stick into commitment. Some women prefer to work things out
because they knew problems wouldn’t solve if they run away and afraid
to face the truth. I believes certain mistakes (continues cheater or
physically or mentality castigation) don’t deserves any forgiveness,
but all humans make mistakes. To work things out and gives the second
chance might not bring into sudden alteration, but, at least, you
already give a try. It’s better than do nothing, right? How about you?

Never ending infidelity or last battle?

“If he’s unfaithful once, no wonder if he’ll do it again!” Words of advice
we always heard when man betrayed his wife. Does it mean we can’t trust
our partner anymore? Well, we all know how painful we are when our man
betrayed our trust and our love and having an affair behind our back.
But nothing is more hurtful than catching him in the act! If you, would
you forgive him? You knew your men cheated on you and you bring that
issue into discussions - he asking for your forgiveness – and you give
him second chance to prove his loyalty and desirability to go on with
the relationship. That’s okay! At least, you’re not watching that
“tiger show” in front of your eyes. Speechless, shocking or slapping
him might be the answers, but to forgive or give him another chance is
far more.

Does it make senses to forgive if he dares to do it vividly? Why protect
someone who doesn’t respect you? It’s not worthy and he doesn’t deserve
you or your love. If you think to take him back because the memories -
about the time you’ve been spend together and how good he is in the
past or other reasons doesn’t give any big point for you to pretend
nothing ever happens. When considering whether to forgive him, ask
yourself, “What’s in it for me?” Remember, you deserves better. No
matter how good he is in the beginning of the relationship, don’t
regret or blame yourself for leaving him because of his infidelity, but
think about your future.

Is there any hope?

Some women give all their heart and soul to their man with hope they’ll
appreciate them forever. So, when their man being unfaithful, it’s hard
for them to forgive because it leave deep wound in their heart.
However, when it comes to love, women become weak as they believe that
their true love will make him change. But, does reformed rakes really
exists in reality? Are you sure your man will change if you give him
every chance he needs? You can’t denied how much you love him when
you’re ready to forgive him for cheating and give him another go to
correct his mistakes – on the proviso no more infidelity. He confess
for his sin and seemed so devastated at the thought of losing you and
said that you’re the one in his life – and you believes him just like
that.

You believe that by giving him another chance and show him your love will
make everything alright but it can be an unrealistic hope. He regrets
and promises not to cheat on you anymore, but how long he will stand up
for his words? He’s already gains your trust but it doesn’t mean he’ll
chance forever. No wonder if he’ll do it again – as people says,
“leopard never changes it spots”. So, if you find him did wrong again
behind your back, don’t hesitate to leave him and never ever take any
excuses from him. I believe everyone deserves one more chance, but if
he abuses your trust yet again, nothing much we can do about it other
than let him go….freely! Good for your happiness and for better future.

Want to maintain and keep the relationship alive?

It’s sad to know that your partner never put an effort to change their
behaviour, but it doesn’t mean you despair or losing your hope and walk
away just like that. If you really think that the relationship can be
salvaged and you believe you both can work on it, keep going. Also make
sure he wants the same things and ready to make commitment. Plan
something which will give benefits for both of you but don’t play the
victim – set out some ground rules. Maybe you both can talk with a
psychologist or counselor to learn new skills together. Besides, by
giving each other a second chance will teaches you both to be more
responsibility to the relationship. A relationship which is reformed
from failure is stronger and the experience will give you strength to
face other obstacles in future.

You might think it is dangerous by taking risk and put yourself into
unreliable hopes because at the end, it might cause you to lose
yourself, which could be more heartbreaking and lonely in the long run.
But, standing up for yourself is more important than standing by him.
One day you’ll realize nothing to regret in life when we know what we’d
done make us a better person tomorrow and in future.

Breaking the promises?

It’s easy to make promises but not everyone can do exactly as they had
promised to. So, if your man says he’s going to put hundred percent
efforts to overhaul himself, take a deep look and remember one
important thing: Actions speak louder than words! Nothing will changes
if he just makes promises, do his part and follow you to counseling
room yet doesn’t applied it into his daily routine. Don’t be deceived
by his words but pay attention to his actions. Use your instinct
wisely, you’ll know if he’s committed or not and don’t let him take
advantage on your kindness.

Don’t let love cover your eyesight and your assessment, be rational; loving
him doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with him, right? Show
him your compassion, sympathy and another chance, but don’t forget to
give the same opportunity to yourself. If he really means it, he should
show it, sincerely. And it’s not only you who makes the move but he
should show his earnest too. Remember, it takes two. It won’t work if
he doesn’t put fresh energy into relationship and let you handle the
paddle.

Facing the future – alone or together?

We can’t expect what might happen in future but while you both facing
crucial time, it’s important to give support to each other. So, when he
takes steps to change, you should also take a look at your own input.
Don’t assume everything going to be alright if he work on it and you’re
already free from take any responsibilities just because he the one who
did wrong. Now, he needs you more than anyone else, and you should be
there to gives support and together nurture the relationship if it’s
going to survive. If he regrets for his mistakes and you already
forgive him, do something that could remind you both to the time when
the world is yours, the wonderful moment you’ve been through together
and forget all the bad things. You can go for a date or having a
romantic dinner together to boost confidence in each other.

It might sound ridiculous giving him too much attention despite he betray
you, but you’ve been come such a long way, being together again after
went through many obstacles, it’s worth your time and this might
brought you both closer than ever. Actually by giving him a chance is
good, because it also open your eyes that you both should wake-up from
a long sleep and start to refresh your relationship. What I’m trying to
say here is, never ever take your partner for granted and remember, no
matter how long you’ve been together or how close you both are, don’t
neglected to nurture the relationship from time to time and don’t
forget to make it together.

What is a real man to me?‏

Apparently, for some bizarre reason, manhood doesn't come automatically for males. Some guys seem to spend their entire lives trying to "prove their manhood" - by hunting, playing sports, driving fast...and, unfortunately, by having sex. It seems rather strange to us women that guys think having sex proves you're a man. To us, it just proves that you've reached puberty. And we don't really consider that, in itself, to be any great accomplishment. Becoming a man is a much more complicated process.

The funny thing is, even in this day in age, most guys want to marry a girl who respects her sexuality. A guy doesn't like the idea of his future wife in the back-seat with someone else, or of her being the subject of a sexual conquest story in the locker room. They'll brag about girls like that, but they won't marry them. They want to marry a girl, whether she's never "done it" or done it and regretted it, who recognizes that sex speaks the language of forever, committed love...someone like me.

But why would I want to marry someone like that...someone who wants to marry a virgin, but spends his dating years robbing other girls of their virginity so that he can prove his manhood? He's not a "real man" in my eyes - he's a selfish, immature boy driven by insecurity, not love. And I'm not interested.
I want more from him. I want him to respect his sexuality as much as I respect mine. I want him to be a real, confident man, not a wimp who has to use women to feed his insecurity. A guy like that couldn't use all of those women, and then suddenly love me. He may be "good" in bed, but he's no good at loving.

I want him to learn to really love. Learning to love is learning to put the other first. A guy who messes around outside of marriage isn't putting the good of the other first. He's using a girl...speaking the "body language" of permanent commitment when the relationship isn't permanent. He's putting the girl at risk of pregnancy. And he's putting himself at risk for some nasty diseases...diseases he can then later give his wife. That's not making love. A real man loves women - all women - and wants what's best for them. And he doesn't let his desires control his actions. He controls his desires instead.
I want him to develop self-control. That's important to me. I don't want to marry a man who can't control himself. Men like that make lousy husbands. A guy who isn't used to saying "no" to sex isn't going to be any better at 40 than he was at 18. I've seen women who worry every time their husbands hire an attractive secretary. I don't want that. What kind of marriage could I have with someone I couldn't even trust on a business trip?

In the short run, I'm sure there aren't too many rewards for a guy living this way. Society tells us that you're missing out on our "sexual peak." Their silence during locker room bragging sessions can seem deafening. You may have even heard from the girls he dates that something must be "wrong" with him because he won't take them to bed. Deep down, he must know that having sex won't prove you're a man. It's just irritating to no one else seems to know it, isn't it?

But someone else does know it. I know it. And in the end, I'm the only someone who matters. And no, I'm not as narrow-minded as those guys who say they'll only marry a virgin. Society isn't too supportive of virginity, especially male virginity. I can forgive mistakes in his past. But I'm interested in his future, starting now. When I meet him, I want him to be a man who has made a conscious decision to wait...out of love for our future family and commitment to marriage. And I want him to be a real man, who's developed the control, maturity and unselfishness that waiting brings. They may not be popular traits in the locker room, but they're popular with me. They'll make you a better husband, and a better father. To me, that's sexy.
I've abstained from sex all these time, and it hasn't been for the lack of offers. I've had plenty of opportunities, and saying "no" hasn't always been easy. I'm sure it's not always easy for them, either. But it will make our marriage so much stronger. Sex will be our gift to each other, our exclusive "language." It'll belong to us, not "us and everyone else we ever dated."
I promise he won't regret it.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I am hereby going to out myself as being an insensitive bitch! Simply because I feel no sympathy for the "unfortunate" among us. How many stories about well-meaning women (or men, for that matter) who have placed themselves at the mercy of morons with anger issues (and worse) have I heard over the years?

Quite a lot.

What do I think about it? Not much, quite frankly. I think that in this life, one way or another, we all get what we deserve. If you invite an abuser into your life in whatever chippy glee of horny ignorance that may or may not possess you in a weak moment, you get what's coming to you. No more, no less.

There is physical abuse and there is mental abuse. There is also emotional abuse. Where the fuck do you think you are? Disneyland? This is a big and bad world. There are all sorts of bad people out there - and they are just waiting for somebody to expose a weak spot so that they can get to them and feed their hunger for real and actual - not mock - suffering.

Wise up! There is no such thing as EVIL.

There is only stupid.

There are damaged people out there who seek to ritualize and recreate physical and psychological circumstances by proxy. They are predators. Vicious, nasty, and utterly unable to empathise with anything but their own twisted and tormented soul. They feel no pity. They have no care. And there are more of them out and about for each passing year of this insane insect colony lifestyle we call "civilization".

Do you REALLY think the the police or "the authorities" will help you? Think again. Only YOU can help you - and the only help you can give yourself is that of becoming smart. Learn how to fight. Learn how to say NO! No dammit! NO! Fuckin' hell! Wise up! Go somewhere and grow a fucking brain!

Learn how to take responsibility.

Stop f*cking whining and look at what you can do differently. Then, when you learn something, use it. Stand up for yourself. Get a fucking grip. Or, if you don't, can't, won't... get used to the idea of being food for predators. That's all.

Mentoring and Lesson

After reading, I had to pause and think about how I perceive mentoring. I had to think back to all the people I've known in the lifestyle over the years. I've known a few that have mentored and/or been mentored. But I've often wondered something.

Frequently, when you hear people talk about "Mentoring", what they are describing is more a way to lure someone into a state of co-dependence; A Dom taking advantage of a submissive seeking exposure to the lifestyle. Stylistically, it's more akin to isolating a person away from other opinions or experiences. It's more like a means to make a move on an unsuspecting and/or vulnerable person in their care. This type of "Mentoring" has no similarities to what sincere Mentoring is. It uses the emotional attachment as a manipulating force. It's less about education and exposure, more about brainwashing.

Ironically, a Dominant working with a submissive is the most common pairing of mentoring I've heard. Mind you, I can only count on two hands how many people I personally know that have been involved in some form of mentorship, but all the ones that have had good things said about them have followed the same general principles.

1. A good Mentor works with others having no ulterior motives beyond offering their experience to another. Their primary goal is to work with the mentee and navigate their path for full possibilities. There is not an expectation of gaining some advantage or anything outside of the exchange of knowledge.
2. As a Mentor, it's not about the sex. While serving as a Mentor, they never engaged in physical sex with their mentee. Their focus was on the education and exposure. Guiding and leading.
3. They had defined goals with each other. If something arose that was ambiguous, it was evaluated and discussed. 'Why something might have caused an adverse reaction' that kind of thing.
4. There was a specific duration of time to the mentorship agreement. It wasn't an endless uncharted amble. It had a start point and an end point, clearly defined.

Now, the few alpha sub/switch mentorings of a submissive I've heard discussed have been somewhere along the same lines as above. The only thing substantially different that I can think of would be that these tended to be relationships where someone with previous exposure, but newer to the specific community, was being instructed on what to expect. Obviously, since I don't have a broad sample to rely upon, my full understanding is somewhat limited.

First time

I'm a firm believer a person that knows everything about everything is both an idiot and dangerous.

That's why I believe people should be encouraged to ask questions no matter how many times the question has be explored by others before. Sure, it get annoying when you hear the same questions over and over again. What's more annoying than replying to a redundant question? To me, having to intervene when something awful happens that could have been prevented if someone asked some questions before acting on limited knowledge.

While some people may have argued a particular topic to the point of being a wet noodle, that doesn't mean that the person asking has. Or perhaps the person asking the question knows there are people listening in that haven't expressed their opinions.

There is always a first time for someone. For some it was a while ago. For others it was yesterday. Even the most experienced of us was once a Rookie or wanted to try something new. The ability to perfect a skill comes from practice and information. Practice with no information will eventually lead to something tragic.

A Vivid Nightmare/Dream: the Convention

I am glad that i spent the night over at Danny's gay friend last night - even if he is out of town - because I can write this while it is fresh in my mind. This was what I dreamed:

I was ushered into a room by a figure dressed in a white hooded robe. I could not tell if the figure was a young or an old male, even when it spoke to me and told me to get undressed.

As I undressed I could hear someone talking over loudspeakers saying things like "Registered is now at 20,000" "There are cunts to be used in the Grand Ballroom" "Masters, please bring your Rape-toys to examination room before allowing them to..." Registration is now at 25,000"

When I was the figure in White reached out a hand and began running a hard, heavy hand on my cunt and then said, "There are only 2,000 Bald men here so far. You only have to take each and every one of their raping you with their sacred cocks 25 times, and then you can leave".

Then I woke up.

OMG, now I am so horny.

Love As Support, Caring and Emotional Intimacy‏

LOVE

Love does not result from just fun times together. In many relationships we spend too much time on activities which sometimes can be an excuse to avoid a deeper caring intimacy, which once experienced is much more meaningful.

God tells us to love others as ourselves. Self love is not for our ego but ability to more fully share a growing love with others. Each person is very special and unique, yet society and often the church discourages inner growth of our unique selves, melting us into the crowd. Result can be boring unfulfilled life. You can develop your own unique loving self - An exciting rewarding experience!

Development of Love

You can not appreciate what you do not recognize. Be receptive to love. With open arms allow love to flow in and out. With closed arms you hold only yourself.

Perfect love gives and does not expect. When love expects pain results since our human response to love will be imperfect.

Love is patient. Each person has a different capacity to love based on their experiences. Love risks rejection - but love is worth giving even if it is rejected.

Love is spontaneous, shows emotion, can cry, laugh, hug; love is a great human emotion.

As a loving person you do not need to be perfect -- just human. Recognize the needs of others and admit your own need to love and be loved. Accept others as real people even if you do not like some of their actions.

Love is not jealous but desires the best for the other even if that hurts us.

To Love is to be real, to be human and to be fully alive !!

Levels of Love

Casual Love for all

Love every inner person. Separate bad actions from love for persons soul/ self. Can hate murder yet love the murderer. Often bad acts are the result of a unfulfilled inner need.

Singleness
Singleness often results in maximum growth in love since it results in flexibility to develop, mature and share with a number of people. Yet must be willing to narrow in on a few most meaningful relationships at any given time. The quality of friendships is more important than quantity. The goal is lifetime deep, meaningful intimate friendships yet without jealousy or the need to prove our love by becoming married unless really wish to marry.

Marriage
An ideal marriage can be the most wonderful relationship yet seldom is as fulfilling as it is a fantasy. Too often couples marry and instead of becoming one, each become only 1/2 a whole person. Love alone is not reason to marry. In marriage, each should maintain own human identity combined with unity of purpose for richness of life together - yet still sharing casual love (which may or may not mean intimacy depending on couples agreements).

Other Brief Love Thoughts
Love and intimacy is a deep human hunger and necessity God gave us for our best gift to one another. Without love we are often very lonely in life.

Maximum love is a learned skill, a growing process in a relationship of Trust, honesty, respect and kindness.

Trust is knowing another will not hurt or reject me if I reveal my deepest weakness but will try and be actively involved in my growth.

Love invites, encourages, smiles, makes each other feel good about ourselves. We can go out in the world and do what we wish and have the courage to be all we can be. Results in accepting ourselves when we fail, knowing we are still loved which brings us the self confidence to try again and not be overcome with fear of failure.

Emotional responsibility is the loving response to the vulnerability in openness to each other. The more one is able to say "Hey, this is me, I don't have to hide or pretend", the more there is true love.

Sometimes we reject a loving friends advice because we don't want to hear the truth. With love we can still be friends and discuss the concerns of life and share each others visions from their perspective and respect their views. We must listen with an open mind. We must desire honesty in others and stop the games we often play.

Love is sharing when passing through pain to deeper understanding. When we get to a hard place in life, full of pain, we want to go around it not through it. We want to ignore the problem. The energy we want to spend on escaping can instead be used on revelation -going through the problem finding solutions and becoming stronger because of the tough times of life.

A loving person is sensitive and looks for wounded hearts around us. A hurting person often needs a loving arm around the shoulder, or a sincere hug and "How are you really? Want to talk ? A hand held out, an invitation to join in, into love, into a loving group, into sharing, into involvement and growth.

In a loving friendship giving sexual pleasure can be a wonderful expression of love. In true love sex is not selfish, which is lust. Loving sex is when both are emotionally ready to share this deepest and most fulfilling level of intimacy and is not just physical passion.

In love we must each still maintain our own unique individuality. Loves does not control or dominate a person but seeks what's best for the other.

There is no such thing as perfect love because we are all imperfect people. We will not be perfect, we can only work on growth.

Only those who feel good about themselves can experience the best of love. We should help each other build confidence in our self image. When we are down on ourselves what we see in the mirror becomes distorted - we are unable to see the beauty in ourselves that is truly there.

The best gift we can share with another is the experience of love, in a friendship, casual relationship or in marriage. When we give love we usually receive even more love . Love doesn't need to be saved, it is like knowledge, the more we share the more we get by interacting with others. When we give love away, we don't have less but more.

A Freaky Woman's Dream

Last night we met in my dreams. You picked me up at the Airport and we had our longing embraces with a tender kiss that warmed our sensual being. It was such a tender moment that people in the airport applauded our first moment together. The tender kiss was far from enough to satisfy the fire that burned inside. On the way to the Car, we walked with our arms wrapped around each other at the waist. Gently squeezing each other and wanting to go lower. Once we reached the car, we climbed into the back seat and stared into each others eyes and we drew even closer embracing in a long and passionate kiss...my hand roamed over your breasts, down to your stomach caressing you.
The Kiss turned to a raging fire burning out of control as my hand went lower and gently massaged your burning rod of passion now fully extended. I could feel your wetness and it drew my mouth down so I could taste its sweetness. I licked at every divine morsel and then put my lips on the end of your shaft then sliding my lips over the tip and further down onto your shaft and massaged the base with my tongue and then as I take my lips back up your shaft. I feel and hear you moan with delight as the sensual skin on your shaft grows ever hotter. I want to increase the sensual pleasure you are feeling. I take my finger down and feel the wetness of you now hot big cock. My passion builds. I gently insert my finger and begin to massage it's walls and I can feel your cock pulsing through the walls of your ass. A slight increase in pressure and as I suck the tip of your burning rod I stroke its base. You are ready to explode and I softly lick the tip of your beautiful cock as I massage your ass pushing my finger in and out and then I go down on your cock and suck on it until you explode in my mouth and I swallow every last drop of your delicious nectar wanting more and so ended our first kiss...I awaken and I realize that it was only a dream and I started to cry.

LOVE‏?

Love – something that is almost delusional. What is love, really?

If love is passion - love at first sight, then love cannot last for long – because human nature is not designed to carry on passionate love forever. After the hot and steamy initial period, life returns to its routine and the brain returns to its normal state of mind. Each person no longer goes out of his way to impress, instead returns to his comfortable shell. Love making transitions from the consequence of passion to satisfaction of sexual needs. It is only understandable, for who is able to retain those butterfly feelings in one’s stomach, the anxiety of uncertainty, and constant displays of one’s best behaviors ceaselessly? If passionate love is what one desires, one can live his life moving from one lover to the next once the passion has faded. Such type of love is perhaps designated only for artists with continuous craves for passion.

The idea of short-lived love with one partner is perhaps disheartening. What is love then, if love is to last forever? Ah, thus the notion of love as companionship and compatibility. He makes you laugh. You can carry a conversation together. You share similar values toward money, religion, children, life style, etc. Love means understanding, compromising, and sharing responsibilities. Love means settling and withstanding – as that is the only way for one to be able to love another forever. This type of love does not make literature, because it is not romantic. It is realistic.

This type of love is not at all too difficult to find. The majority of people with similar education background who live in the same society tend to share similar outlooks toward the everyday important mundane. Certainly, there are differences because each person grows up in a different family with slightly different values and customs. However, these differences are those which call for understanding, compromising, and withstanding. Next time, take a look at your workmates, your neighbors, or your schoolmates, and count those whom you absolutely cannot put up with? Chances are that there are only few.

You are told to marry for love. You are told to find your other half. But really, does there exist the one person who completes you? If that person is someone whom you love passionately, your love won’t last forever. If that person is someone who is compatible with you, there are tens of others who can also be your companion.

Perhaps marriage is not about finding your perfect one. It is about your mental state. Once you are ready to settle down and compromise, you are ready for marriage. The journey of finding someone to get married to is not the hard part. The workload really resides in changing your state of mind.

Sex Education For the Real World

You know, when we're just plain horny -- rather than interested in really sharing sex, emotionally and physically, with another person -- the best choice to make is to masturbate. That's not just best for us, it's also better for any potential partners: if often isn't so great to be someone's personal petrie dish.

Masturbation is all about satiating our sole sexual desires, for when we're just sexually hungry and not interested in emotional and physical intimacy with someone else in particular. It's also the best kind of sex to have when we're not 100% certain that we're ready for all that partnered sex entails, or for when we haven't resolved any conflicts we might have in having partnered sex. And it's certainly something that tends to result in people coming to partnered sex with better readiness than they might otherwise: the very best first sex partner for everyone is ourselves.

You're also going to need a lot more going on to be ready for sex with someone else than sexual desire. You'll need to be ready to assert yourself, to communicate and negotiate, even when it's awkward or emotionally uncomfortable and you're feeling really vulnerable. You'll need to be ready to manage your expectations, and be just as prepared for pleasure and closeness as you are for emotional distance and things not feeling good for you at all. You'll need to be ready to get and manage sexual healthcare, and that can be tricky when you're very young without the support -- or knowledge -- of any adults. You're going to want to have a pretty good bunch of sexuality and sexual health information under your belt before taking your sexuality on the road. In short, healthy partnered sex that's beneficial for us usually only happens with a whole lot more in place than the want to have sex because we feel that desire.

Ultimately, the best sexual choices to make are the ones that fit YOUR feelings, ethics and values, wants and needs best -- not those things for anyone who isn't you or the person you may be having sex with. By all means, it can be really hard when those choices are in sharp conflict with your family's values (and sex is always healthier when it doesn't have to be hidden or secret), but in the long term, for you, what's most important is that YOU are the one who is totally okay with and can stand behind your choices, even to your parents.

So, I'd suggest that you start with being your own sex partner, with masturbation. Not only is that something that'll give you a good start on getting to know and understand your own sexuality and sexual likes and dislikes -- which are important things to be able to share with a partner, but also important for the sexuality that's just yours and not about anyone else at all -- it'll also help quiet that strong desire you're feeling right now. That's important, because we do need a level head when we're making these choices, so if we're all kooky-lusty-crazy when we're trying to make them, it can really cloud our judgement. More to the point, you're much more likely to be able to learn to satisfy yourself more wickly than it usually happens with a new sexual partner, so choosing to try sex with a partner because we're looking to get off isn't usually the greatest choice, for a lot of reasons, but that includes because sex with a new partner is often much more clumsy and less physically satisfying than it is with ourselves or a partner we have spent a lot of time with, or had sex with, over time.

In the meantime, you can start your own sexual education by looking into some information that will inform your choices, and take all the time you need to figure out if sex with someone else is really what you want, now or later, and really right for you, by your own standards, not those of your parents or anyone else.

8 tips to help you strip for your lover

First things first, you have to have music. Our bodies naturally want to move and sway with the help of music. So pick up some seductive, yet slow music and turn it up! You want to pick something with a slower tempo and practice with the rhythm to get a grove for taking your clothes off to the beat of the music. You are not in a race; you don’t want something too fast that would defeat the purpose. Slow down – nice and easy!

# For the outer layer of clothing, pick something that you would wear on a daily basis. No not your sweats, something that you would wear to the office or dinner. This layer does not have to be “skimpy”, save that for the next layer!
# Pick some lingerie that you are comfortable in. You must feel good about yourself or your strip tees act will not go as well as planned! You want to feel sexy, try out the garter belt and stockings, it really adds to the show!
# Strut out of the bathroom and glide over to the music and press play. Dim the lights if possible – helps set the mood. Let your hair down and run your fingers through it or whip it around a bit.
# Unbutton a couple of buttons on your shirt while dancing around. Flash your lover with a sneak peak of the underneath and then close your blouse again. Begin slowly unbuttoning your blouse and then give it a toss and drape it across your lover.
# Turn around and dance shaking your bottom, then give a sneak peak by raising your skirt. Turn back around and lose the skirt. Dance for a bit allowing your lover to enjoy your sexy lingerie.
# Continue until you are down to your stockings, garter belt and heels. Dance around a bit, making your lovers mouth water! Go over to your lover and tease a bit by giving a lap dance. Straddle your lover and dance around them.
# Finally take it all off and well you can figure out the rest!

The Oral Factor

If your man loves to receive oral sex, and whose doesn't, these four oral encounters are sure to keep him begging for more! Before you decide to complete an encounter, spice things up by printing out the coordinating invitation (except #4) and give it to them. This will create the added factor of sweet, tempting anticipation! So, if you're ready to knock his socks off, read on!

Encounter #1: Hot & Cold

When your partner arrives, tell him to take off his clothes and lie on the bed, or wherever you choose. Then hand him a blindfold and tell him to put it on. After he has done this, let him lay there in suspense for a few minutes. When you are ready, reach over to your hidden cup of warm drink (coffee, hot chocolate, etc.) and take a sip. Then proceed to pleasure him with your mouth. When he is really into it, reach down and put an ice cube in your mouth. Then proceed to pleasure your partner again. Keep switching these until needed.

Encounter #2: Look But Don't Lick

When your partner arrives, tell him to take off his clothes, or help them out of them yourself. Have him lie down on the bed. Then undress yourself, if you are not already undressed, and get in the 69 position with you on top of him, but a direction so your lower body is above his head. Instruct him that no matter what you do he is not allowed to touch you, or you will completely stop what you are doing and walk away. Then proceed to pleasure him, but with the secret of making him think you are enjoying giving him the pleasure more than he could possibly be receiving it. You can do this by rotating your torso, moaning, pretending to move your body as if having sex with him, etc.

Encounter #3: The Better To Please You With My Dear

For this encounter, your creativity is the only block. Keep a basket of oral sex aides handy. You might include strong mints, coffee, ice, pop rocks, fruit, chocolate syrup, whip cream, heating or icy edible massage oil, etc. When your partner arrives for his appointment, have him undress and put on a blindfold. Then have him sit in a chair or on the side of the bed. Then one-by-one try using all of the items you've collected inside your treat basket. He'll never know what hit him!

Encounter #4: Wherever You Go, There I Am
Variety is the spice of life, especially when it comes to mind blowing sex, pun intended! Spice things up by giving him pleasure at the most unexpected times and places. Below are a few suggestions!

* While they are asleep.

* Under their desk while they are working.
Pretend to be getting something, or looking at something under their desk. On your way up stop and surprise them!

* While they are watching T.V.
Walk over to your partner, and in an extremely causal tone say, "Enjoy and your show and don't mind me." Then start undoing their pants.

* While they are on the phone.
Walk over to your partner and put your finger over your mouth, signaling them to be quiet. Then start undoing their pants...

* While they are taking shower.
This is best done if you are wearing some kind of clothing like your night gown or something you don't mind getting wet. They should get the impression that this was a spur of the moment idea, and you didn't even want to wait to take off your clothes.

Hottest New Sex Techniques

Sexual positions can really make the difference in your sex life. Don’t be afraid to try something new and different. It will help spice up your sex life and send you in to orbit with a wild orgasm. Switching positions during sex can help you get the most bang for your buck. Read on for some of the most popular and hottest sex positions:

As your man lies on his back you lay down on top. After penetration you can grab on to the bed sheets on either side of him and cross your legs, using his feet as “stirrups”. Tighten your butt muscles and move in small but tight motions. This will allow you to move and rub your clitoris on his pelvic bone. Whew we – ride em gal!

Up Up and Away is a very popular technique right now and after you try it you will certainly know why. Lay on your back with a pillow under your head and your legs as high in the air as they will go, point your toes straight up in the air. Your partner will kneel in front of you and as he penetrates and moves about he will move your legs from side to side. This position allows for an in and out penetration or a side to side motion. This allows for very deep penetration, so take it easy and slow it down.

The Bed Spread position will have you begging for more. Females bend over the bed pressing your breasts and stomach onto the bed, with your feet on the floor. As your partner penetrates you from behind, he can lift your legs allowing him to not only go deep but also allows you to bend your legs and control your vaginal muscles. This control can allow you to squeeze, which sends him into orbit a little quicker. So careful what you ask for – relax and enjoy!

This next position is a little tricky but can really create some great pleasure if done correctly. Females lay on the bed on your stomach and hang your upper body over the bed. Rest your hands on the floor for balance. Your partner will lay on top of you and penetrate from behind.

The leaning off of the bed gives you a blood rush and intensifies each thrust from your partner. You want to make sure that you have a good grip on the floor to keep from tumbling off the bed with this one. This is not a position that is meant to be an ongoing sex act just a little time should do the trick!

I Love Being Stood Up

2 years ago.. I had a call from a man I've been trying to get together with for the last two months. We met once and liked each other.So he called at 11:00 in the morning and invited me to dinner. Turns out he wanted to come to my house for dinner. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that because I barely know him. (He's been kind of elusive.)

He said, "Well, we can go out to dinner....and then back to your flat." At length he invited me to come to Cafe Havana for dinner. (He lives nearby, but it's a 50-mile drive for me.) Neither of us had even showered yet. He said, 'We ought to be able to meet up by 7:30 or 8:00, eh?"So I got in the car. Cafe Havana is only across the Manila Peninsula, but you can't get there like that in a car.

I got lost when I got to Greenbelt4. Finally got to the restaurant at 7:59 and rushed in. He wasn't there.Yes, I waited near the mens' room in case he was in there. I walked through no less than four times, looking at every person in the place.I called him twice before arriving, and once after arriving. He doesn't have a cell phone, so I had no other choice but leaving messages. It was very disappointing having to drive home without seeing him. I haven't had my arms around anyone for a while.

My lips are going to atrophy and fall off.I continued calling him after getting home, but there was never any answer. At 1:00 a.m. I left one more message, along the lines of "I can't understand why you weren't there, I hope you will call me again, but i'm not apologizing any more." i also sent one email. I haven't heard a peep out of him to this moment.For all i know he could be dead. The most likely scenario, in my mind, is that he was pissed off at my rebuff and had to punish me. Otherwise he would surely have waited at the restaurant until 10:00 or a few minutes more.

I've been stood up once in my life, but this one stings especially strongly. But maybe it only seems that way. I have always thought of this person as a man who likes to have his own way and cannot compromise easily. I like a dominant man but this is a different kind of thing. The first time we met, he stuck his hand inside my blouse and inside my bra cup and rubbed my breast without so much as an "excuse me". Yes, I know it's rude and unfathomable. I'm a spontaneous person and I just tried to forget it. He's so fucking good-looking, that was easy to do.

When something's bothering me like this, the only cure is to work it out of my system, thus the blog entry.

Am I under some curse?

I am 28 years old, fair, tall and smooth, and I have had men tell me I am attractive.The thing I can’t understand is that why is it that all the unattractive men are the ones chasing me? I usually attract men that are either black, overweight, or just ugly in general.We’re not talking being friendly, they try to get my phone number, they follow me, want to go out with me, etc. etc. etc.

Why can’t I have boys that are normal weight, white, and are attractive chase me? I would really love to have the handsome ones chase me at least once in a while, I just cant understand why I am a magnet to men I don’t like?I’m not racist against blacks, and I’m not shallow towards overweight or ugly men, I just don’t see why it’s the same damn thing over and over. I do not want a model, I just want someone like me, someone that I am attracted to.

It’s just the same damn thing over and over. If it’s not some black guy, it’s a fat guy, if it’s not a fat guy, it’s some hunk with some freaky face. And it just keeps repeating over and over.Wanting someone that matches my standards isn’t a high standard. I see guys always holding hands with beautiful women everyday….. *shakes head*

Who knew your behavior would precipitate my getting laid..

FOREWARNING-This is going to be all over the place, stay with me, I may have an actual pointI've stated before that attempts at c*ck blocking are futile. Although watching the attempts at c*ck blocking are quite humorous.I WAS f*cking a guy I fancied with. Although he pissed me off so I had to quit fucking him. He does work for classified, but is still employed in Jakarta, so we do have occasion to run into each other. He is a swedish guy, Brad Pitt look alike.

A little background-Why I had to quit f*cking a guy who is actually good in bed: I had already cut this guy off, in my head. One day I figured WTF and had s*x with him again. Because I was disappointed in his behavior (outside of bed), the s*x was lackluster for me. That is not to say that he changed anything. He licked and f*cked me that same way he had been, BUT I was torn mentally. For this reason I could not enjoy myself. This is one of those things others do not understand about me. If the s*x is on par, but outside the bedroom behavior is ?? inappropriate ?? my brain kicks into gear when I am f*cking and I have issues c*mming. My desire for him had waned.Anyway...We ran into each other at a cab stand. While there I was talking with another guy. I really have no interest in the guy I was talking to. He is quite attractive, but I'm not into him. Former admirer took it upon himself to try and c*ck block. I later told him that his attempts were futile. Aside from the fact I was not interested in the guy, for every one guy he might dissuade from f*cking me, there are hundreds more who WILL f*ck me. Being FAB, I may have worked into the conversation that he can f*ck, but he needs to take care of his other sh*t. Not for me, but to get further along in life. A little FYI-He did not say anything bad about me to the other guy; it was not that kind of attempt.

Fast forward...I was talking with a guy from his compnay who was introduced to me by the former friend. Mind you I had already noticed this guy; he was on my list . I happen to be telling him about the attempted c*ck blocking incident. During the conversation something about what I DO want came up. Since his subs workers was on the other side of the wall I gestured towards the wall. The guy then asked about himself. I sort of threw off, 'Oh yeah, I'd f*ck you too' and continued on with the conversation without missing a beat. Then I had to leave.When we saw each other yesterday he brought up the conversation. In a smoother manner than I can reiterate through my writing he basically asked when we were going to hook-up. Before he left the flat, he asked for my number.

The big boss was there for the number exchange. I'm taking the leap to say the BOSS KNOWS why we exchanged numbers. I threw out the, 'It is so we can give each other a heads up on hot spots.' Then I gave a BIG GRIN and a WINK to the boss man.I was called during my yoga and asked when I had some time."Today is my Friday""Then today it is. What time are you off?"The rest of the day I was both excited and nervous. He and I had not spoken much. Other than him knowing I f*ck for sport, I was not sure if he got the info about my expectations.There was no need to worry.Next time I run into former FB, I'll have to explain how his attempts got me laid. Not that they really did, but I am a b*tch like that...heheOh and BTW, I did explain to friends that although I mentioned f*cking the boss, it is only because he is off limits that makes my desire more pronounced.