"Never sleep with your mate's ex-girlfriend." Or so says one of the rules of the Bro Code: a set of unspoken regulations that exist between men and their mates, which are put in place in the hope of keeping the peace between Bros everywhere. Just ask a loyal Bro (as I did the other day at my local gym) although he almost broke a cardinal rule: you don't talk about the Bro Code ... especially with women. Yet, while it seems many blokes adhere to the Bro Code, (after all, we are home of the origin of "mateship"), blokes in other parts of the globe just don't seem to be as diligent.
Take John Terry, former captain of England's football team, who, after being outed as having been ensconced in an affair with his teammate ex-girlfriend, became the subject of a nation-wide smear campaign.Now, aside from Terry doing the wrong thing by his wife and kids, his actions and behaviour have led many to ask the inevitable question: how unforgivable should it be when one bonk's a mate's ex-girlfriend? ...While we all know the answer to that, it astounds me to see this sort of behaviour being played out time and time again without care or thought for the friendship involved.
Or, in the case of soap star Lorenzo Lamas and his son, family relations. Yep, according to Star magazine, Lorenzo's son A.J. had an affair with his father's odd-looking third ex-wife Playboy Playmate Shauna Sand. Classy.
Then there's my mate Jed, who, despite being a loyal friend to his best mate Kade, seemed to have little regard when it came to kissing Kade's ex-girlfriend two weeks after they broke up. Ouch. While they say all is fair in love and war, it seems, when it comes to the Bro Code, rules are rules and when one decides to violate those rules, you can bet your Bromance that there'll be hell to pay.
Hence the apparent desperate need for the official Bro Code book, authored by (the fictional) Barney Stinson, the serial womaniser (played by Neil Patrick Harris) in the hit TV show How I Met Your Mother. Stinson - who rotates his women as often as he changes his underwear - lives his life by his self-created Bro Code and continually quotes it to his mates when he feels they're doing wrong by him.
The rules of his code include:
* Bros before Hos.
* Bros cannot make eye contact during a "Devil's Three-Way". (Two men.)
* The mom of a Bro is always off-limits but the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing.
* A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.
* A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.
* When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball ... rebounding is optional.
* If a Bro forgets a guy's name he may call him "brah", "dude", or "man" but never "Bro".
And there's plenty more here.
But all this Bro Code chatter got me wondering: in the case of the recent advertisement for Hahns Super Dry beer, where a man refuses to date his mate's sister in fear of violating the Code, would a woman ever consider ignoring the advances of her best friend's brother simply because her best friend wasn't super keen on her friend dating her brother?
In many cases (especially since there's a supposed "man drought" situation), I think not. So in a bid to find out how men and women differ when it comes to standards of friendship, I'll let the dudes out there decide the verdict on these ones...
* How long after your mate has broken up with his girlfriend can you date him?
* Is it ever OK for guys to hug one another?
* Can a man leave his friends to see a girl?
* Can a man leave his girl to see his friends?
* If it is raining, can a guy hold an umbrella up for another guy?
* Are there any rules for going together on a "mancation"?
* Can dudes call each other "just to say hi"?
* Can men sit in each other's car after a sporting event/beer night out to carry on their conversation?
* If a man doesn't have a date to a wedding/work event, is it ever OK for him to bring another male mate?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Why you don't have to be skinny to be beautiful?
When Kate Moss recently came out saying that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", health advocates, health conscious women and pastry chefs alike gasped in collective shock. Why? Because, while we've long suspected that those who believe one can never be too thin nor too rich are simply an anomaly, we secretly hoped that models such as Moss were freaks of nature and could eat whatever their hearts desired without putting on an ounce of flab.
"It's in their DNA!" we argued, happily chowing down our second Krispy Kreme. "We could never look like that because it's not in our genetic make-up!" we shouted as we sipped our milkshake. Yet, sadly, the truth seems much more sombre.
These lollypop ladies do in fact go to extreme lengths to be that super thin and yet, the more we read about their fad diets, strict regimes and all-prawn diets, the more we feel bad that we're not out there trying just as hard ...
I'm all for losing weight. I'm all for getting fit and having a good bod in order to feel more confident, secure and happy within yourself. But there's a fine line between wanting to be healthy and wanting to be super skinny for the sake of getting a date.
"But men only like you if you are super skinny," I've heard women say. "He's only dating her and not me because she's thinner than me," I've heard women say. "If only I was five/10/15 kilos lighter, I'd have a boyfriend/he wouldn't have cheated on me/I'd be soooo much happier!" the ladies fool themselves into thinking.
This is especially so for the single ladies looking to get a shoe-in in the world of online dating.
Lately we've had a load of discussions on this blog in regards to women having standards that are way too high when it comes to choosing men. "Don't settle!" our friends tell us. "Have standards!" they beseech.
And yet, if we look at the women's choices of men, it starts to do my head in when we find that sometimes they're just as bad.
If you've ever had to put up an online dating profile, you'd know that there aren't too many options when it comes to filling in your personal description. Especially when it comes to describing your body type. Unfortunately anything other than "slim", "toned" or "athletic" are considered euphemisms for "overweight" by many men perusing these sites.
Which is why, according to recent research from Cornwell University, 59 per cent of women lie about their weight on their dating profiles. By 10 kilos. Of course in real life, things are mightily different when it comes to meeting a woman at a bar. Her exact measurements barely get a look in (plus, thanks to clothes gurus Trinny and Susannah we've learnt over the years how to conceal our worst assets and show off our best). But, somehow, when it is written up in black and white on the internet, it becomes more of a point of contention.
Hence there's a new diet/exercise regime/starving mechanism thrown into the works every second day. Does it help us? Oh no. It only makes up more bloody confused.
True, in the past 20 years, models have gone from size 8 to size 0, and yes, skinny is definitely in, but says Nancy Hayssen, author of You Can Be Sexy at ANY Size or Age!, when it comes to skinniness, we've got it all wrong.
According to her online poll of men aged between 18-51, 80 per cent are indeed attracted to women who are curvy and voluptuous as Jennifer Lopez, while 15 per cent are attracted to average bodies.
Her conclusion? "Men love women who have some meat on their bones. I've always known this."
She says that while only 5 per cent of men actually found anorexic-looking women hot, the most shocking response to her was to the question "Who is the sexiest woman ever?" In most cases the answer was simply "my wife"! (The "voluptuous" Marilyn Monroe made it in at second place.)
While Hayssen says that being sexy is all about confidence, and that "if you act like you believe you are an attractive, sexy woman, men will see you as one", many women trawling the dating websites aren't so sure.
Online dater Tess writes in a response to an article on Hayssen's website:
"Where are all of these men who are so open minded about size?! For the past three months, I have been resorting to online dating due to my heavy schedule and I cannot begin to express how many men just cut me off because of my size. I'm 5'6" and weigh 165 lbs and wear a size 14/16. I've been told flat out I was fat by several men. I even had one guy who had the gall to write to me that the sexiest woman he dated was a size 8-alluding that this size 8 was the biggest woman he dated. I am about ready to throw in the towel. I'm growing real tired in being called fat."
Of course if you asked any man their honest answer to the question, "Who would you rather sleep with: Victoria Beckham or Nigella Lawson?", I think we would all know the answer to that one ...
"It's in their DNA!" we argued, happily chowing down our second Krispy Kreme. "We could never look like that because it's not in our genetic make-up!" we shouted as we sipped our milkshake. Yet, sadly, the truth seems much more sombre.
These lollypop ladies do in fact go to extreme lengths to be that super thin and yet, the more we read about their fad diets, strict regimes and all-prawn diets, the more we feel bad that we're not out there trying just as hard ...
I'm all for losing weight. I'm all for getting fit and having a good bod in order to feel more confident, secure and happy within yourself. But there's a fine line between wanting to be healthy and wanting to be super skinny for the sake of getting a date.
"But men only like you if you are super skinny," I've heard women say. "He's only dating her and not me because she's thinner than me," I've heard women say. "If only I was five/10/15 kilos lighter, I'd have a boyfriend/he wouldn't have cheated on me/I'd be soooo much happier!" the ladies fool themselves into thinking.
This is especially so for the single ladies looking to get a shoe-in in the world of online dating.
Lately we've had a load of discussions on this blog in regards to women having standards that are way too high when it comes to choosing men. "Don't settle!" our friends tell us. "Have standards!" they beseech.
And yet, if we look at the women's choices of men, it starts to do my head in when we find that sometimes they're just as bad.
If you've ever had to put up an online dating profile, you'd know that there aren't too many options when it comes to filling in your personal description. Especially when it comes to describing your body type. Unfortunately anything other than "slim", "toned" or "athletic" are considered euphemisms for "overweight" by many men perusing these sites.
Which is why, according to recent research from Cornwell University, 59 per cent of women lie about their weight on their dating profiles. By 10 kilos. Of course in real life, things are mightily different when it comes to meeting a woman at a bar. Her exact measurements barely get a look in (plus, thanks to clothes gurus Trinny and Susannah we've learnt over the years how to conceal our worst assets and show off our best). But, somehow, when it is written up in black and white on the internet, it becomes more of a point of contention.
Hence there's a new diet/exercise regime/starving mechanism thrown into the works every second day. Does it help us? Oh no. It only makes up more bloody confused.
True, in the past 20 years, models have gone from size 8 to size 0, and yes, skinny is definitely in, but says Nancy Hayssen, author of You Can Be Sexy at ANY Size or Age!, when it comes to skinniness, we've got it all wrong.
According to her online poll of men aged between 18-51, 80 per cent are indeed attracted to women who are curvy and voluptuous as Jennifer Lopez, while 15 per cent are attracted to average bodies.
Her conclusion? "Men love women who have some meat on their bones. I've always known this."
She says that while only 5 per cent of men actually found anorexic-looking women hot, the most shocking response to her was to the question "Who is the sexiest woman ever?" In most cases the answer was simply "my wife"! (The "voluptuous" Marilyn Monroe made it in at second place.)
While Hayssen says that being sexy is all about confidence, and that "if you act like you believe you are an attractive, sexy woman, men will see you as one", many women trawling the dating websites aren't so sure.
Online dater Tess writes in a response to an article on Hayssen's website:
"Where are all of these men who are so open minded about size?! For the past three months, I have been resorting to online dating due to my heavy schedule and I cannot begin to express how many men just cut me off because of my size. I'm 5'6" and weigh 165 lbs and wear a size 14/16. I've been told flat out I was fat by several men. I even had one guy who had the gall to write to me that the sexiest woman he dated was a size 8-alluding that this size 8 was the biggest woman he dated. I am about ready to throw in the towel. I'm growing real tired in being called fat."
Of course if you asked any man their honest answer to the question, "Who would you rather sleep with: Victoria Beckham or Nigella Lawson?", I think we would all know the answer to that one ...
Monday, February 22, 2010
What's the best 'thinking woman's' magazine?
It's no shock that the portrayal of women in magazines makes women feel like dirt. But did you know images of hot chicks make men feel worse, too?Everyone knows that the way women are portrayed in our culture - sexy, skinny, tall - makes the average woman feel a bit like the gum I had to peel off my shoe this morning. When we look at magazine ads or watch TV shows, we women feel inadequate - and it's no wonder, when the average woman model weighs up to 25% less than the typical woman and maintains a weight at about 15 to 20% below what is considered healthy for her age and height. But the 40,000 or so ads the average American is exposed to a year aren't just affecting the girls. A new study coming out of the University of Missouri found that men react negatively to unrealistic ads, too. What's interesting is it wasn't images of hot men that got the guys feeling self conscious - it was images of hot women.
The research began by trying to see if men were as negatively affected by men's magazines as women are by Cosmo and the like. Men that were given men's magazines like Maxim had lower self image, which got the researchers to question exactly what about the magazines cause the drop in self esteem. So they showed men just the pictures of objectified women, men, and the articles and again checked their esteem levels. They found that, surprisingly, it wasn't the images of idealized men that made the guys feel inadequate - it was the women. Even more surprising was that the male fashion group reported the least amount of body self-consciousness among the three groups - the guys couldn't care less what the other men looked like.
If you've ever been in high school, it's obvious why seeing a hot woman would make a less than ideal looking guy feel bad. I mean, what guy hasn't choked when trying to talk to the head cheerleader? Attractive women are intimidating, and the mere sight of one is enough to cause any average joe to give themselves a quick once-over.
The theory is that a beautiful women makes a man self conscious because the he's reminded that he's not in her league - that is, they take one look at a hot girl and quickly realize there's no way they're good-looking enough to bang her. Since women have the larger investment in offspring, they tend to be considered the 'picky' ones, evolutionarily speaking. The men and their billions of sperm have to compete with other guys to convince a girl that they've got the genes to be worth it.
To test this theory, the researchers performed one more experiment. They broke the men into two groups - one received magazine layouts of sexually idealized females and the other received the same layouts with average-looking 'boyfriends' added to the photos, with captions about how the female models are attracted to the average-looking men. The men who looked at just the model were more self-conscious, presumably because when the other men saw the bombshells liked 'normal guys,' they no longer felt she was out of reach.
Personally, I'd like to see if images of hot men have the same effect on women. Despite the evolutionary argument, I think that women would have the same reaction to male models as men do to female ones. After all, you don't hear a girl say "oh crap! I gotta go fix my hair!" when this guy walks in the room.
The research began by trying to see if men were as negatively affected by men's magazines as women are by Cosmo and the like. Men that were given men's magazines like Maxim had lower self image, which got the researchers to question exactly what about the magazines cause the drop in self esteem. So they showed men just the pictures of objectified women, men, and the articles and again checked their esteem levels. They found that, surprisingly, it wasn't the images of idealized men that made the guys feel inadequate - it was the women. Even more surprising was that the male fashion group reported the least amount of body self-consciousness among the three groups - the guys couldn't care less what the other men looked like.
If you've ever been in high school, it's obvious why seeing a hot woman would make a less than ideal looking guy feel bad. I mean, what guy hasn't choked when trying to talk to the head cheerleader? Attractive women are intimidating, and the mere sight of one is enough to cause any average joe to give themselves a quick once-over.
The theory is that a beautiful women makes a man self conscious because the he's reminded that he's not in her league - that is, they take one look at a hot girl and quickly realize there's no way they're good-looking enough to bang her. Since women have the larger investment in offspring, they tend to be considered the 'picky' ones, evolutionarily speaking. The men and their billions of sperm have to compete with other guys to convince a girl that they've got the genes to be worth it.
To test this theory, the researchers performed one more experiment. They broke the men into two groups - one received magazine layouts of sexually idealized females and the other received the same layouts with average-looking 'boyfriends' added to the photos, with captions about how the female models are attracted to the average-looking men. The men who looked at just the model were more self-conscious, presumably because when the other men saw the bombshells liked 'normal guys,' they no longer felt she was out of reach.
Personally, I'd like to see if images of hot men have the same effect on women. Despite the evolutionary argument, I think that women would have the same reaction to male models as men do to female ones. After all, you don't hear a girl say "oh crap! I gotta go fix my hair!" when this guy walks in the room.
Feminism f-cked up my love life!
Quick question for the ladies: Has feminism f---ed up your love life?
If we are to go by a recent study titled The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness, then it would seem that feminism is the reason women have become steadily unhappier since 1972. And if women such as Tyra Banks, author Lori Gottlieb and my friend Jay are anything to go by, then indeed the F word has created more problems for our romantic lives than the rise of internet porn.
I noticed this the other day, as I knocked back sushi with Jay, my perennially single 30-something girlfriend, as I became privy to yet another complaint by her about another man who seemingly did not live up to her expectations of what a "boyfriend" should be.
She'd been dating the dude in question for a couple of months, and yet, despite the fact that he didn't have a criminal record, a psycho ex-girlfriend or a drug habit, he nevertheless just didn't seem to make the cut when it came to primo boyfriend material. Why? I had no bloody idea ...
Her answer? "I'm a feminist - I believe in equal rights for men and women." She continued to explain that the problem with her bloke was that something had gone a tad awry. She'd been paying for all his drinks. And his movie tickets. And his dinner.
"That's not equal. I'm better off single," she said. Somehow I didn't believe her. I get it. We all get it. It's cool to be single. Yet despite the saying that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle", why is it that every conversation I have with women of all ages, whether it be over cappuccinos or caprioskas, always comes down to one thing: men?
"Why hasn't he called?" "Why is he not behaving like a boyfriend should behave?" "Why there are no decent men in this town?" Why? Why? Why? Which brings me to Gottlieb's latest book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough. While the title, in all fairness to Gottlieb, is a brilliant marketing ploy, it's also a major point of contention for feminists and independent girls alike.
"Why does every girl have to aspire to get married?" they ask. "What kind of crap is this woman peddling?" they wonder. And most tellingly, "But I've waited this long already; surely I can wait a little while longer?"
Oh, and lets not overlook the fact that one of Gottlieb's chapters is aptly titled, "How Feminism F---ed Up My Love Life". Yep, the feminists aren't happy.
But perhaps Gottlieb has a point. She explains that, if it wasn't for feminism, she wouldn't be in this 40-and-single predicament that she's struggling with. And if it weren't for feminism, she'd never have to contemplate "settling" in the first place because she'd already be married.
"Here's what actually happened," she writes. "Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that, in real life, you can't get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only. Which is exactly how many of us empowered ourselves out of a good mate."
Bianca Dye, a prominent radio presenter, author of Playing Hard To Get and self-proclaimed feminist, agrees with Gottlieb. She says that feminism has indeed f---ed up her love life. And she says that it's not only she who has felt feminism's wrath.
"The main issue for our relationships is that we want it both ways," she explains. "We want to be feminists in every other aspect of our lives except for our relationships. So I don't blame men for being confused. I know many hard-core feminists who, despite their ideals, still want the door to be opened and still want to a man to cook her dinner once in a while when she's had a hard day. I do pay my own bills but I still do want a man to take care of me when I have a migraine and occasionally smother me with love and attention. Just because I'm a feminist and I want equal pay, doesn't mean I don't want my boyfriend to do these things. And I don't see why we have to make a choice."
Dye, who is about to turn 37, says Gottlieb's book has been mightily confronting.
"The options for me are dwindling. I want to meet someone and have a baby because I don't want to miss the boat. But the guys who are my age want to date younger women. It's a depressing wake-up call."
She also says that the reason there are more single women out there hankering on for Mr Right is that we are symptomatic of the Oprah generation.
"We live by the motto, 'Don't you settle girlfriend - Mr Perfect is out there!' But that's just bullshit. I know that there is someone out there for me who is amazing, but who is a seven out of 10 - and that is just fine. As long as he doesn't do drugs, wants to have kids, is honest, romantic and a good human being - then I am open to anything outside of that. All the talk about men having to have a certain amount of money, someone who reads the same books as we do, who lives in a certain suburb etc - dream on sister."
Chivalry
The blokes aren't too happy about all feminism hoo-hah either. Not because women are standing their ground, but because many believe that women aren't allowing them to be "men" any longer. Take Justin, a single 20-something who says that feminism has confused him and, in turn, flipped the whole notion of chivalry on its proverbial head.
"I don't think chivalry will ever be dead, but it is definitely less prevalent than it was in the old days," he says. "And that is probably due to modern women wanting to be self-sufficient in more ways, which I support too. When you get those few women who, when you do open the door and they say 'I can do it myself', that doesn't help either. Because men want to be able to feel like men."
Single man Clyde concurs and says the reason fewer men are able to feel like men these days is that women are taking on a more masculine role. "They present themselves as 'one of the boys' in certain social situations, which makes it seem inappropriate at times to treat them with chivalry."
While he admits that this is not true of all women, he says: "It's just not clear whether or not a guy needs to or can win with all women at all times by being chivalrous." My theory? Women need to make it clear. Clear that, despite the fact they have a good job, earn lots of money and drive a nice car, they still need a man. And in order to show that, they need to be not so in-your-face independent.
"But why should I compromise who I really am?" asks my friend Jay. I tell her that she doesn't have to - but, if she doesn't want to be alone, then she either has to tone it the hell down, or find a man so confident in his own skin that he isn't threatened by his successful partner, no matter how independent she is ...
If we are to go by a recent study titled The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness, then it would seem that feminism is the reason women have become steadily unhappier since 1972. And if women such as Tyra Banks, author Lori Gottlieb and my friend Jay are anything to go by, then indeed the F word has created more problems for our romantic lives than the rise of internet porn.
I noticed this the other day, as I knocked back sushi with Jay, my perennially single 30-something girlfriend, as I became privy to yet another complaint by her about another man who seemingly did not live up to her expectations of what a "boyfriend" should be.
She'd been dating the dude in question for a couple of months, and yet, despite the fact that he didn't have a criminal record, a psycho ex-girlfriend or a drug habit, he nevertheless just didn't seem to make the cut when it came to primo boyfriend material. Why? I had no bloody idea ...
Her answer? "I'm a feminist - I believe in equal rights for men and women." She continued to explain that the problem with her bloke was that something had gone a tad awry. She'd been paying for all his drinks. And his movie tickets. And his dinner.
"That's not equal. I'm better off single," she said. Somehow I didn't believe her. I get it. We all get it. It's cool to be single. Yet despite the saying that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle", why is it that every conversation I have with women of all ages, whether it be over cappuccinos or caprioskas, always comes down to one thing: men?
"Why hasn't he called?" "Why is he not behaving like a boyfriend should behave?" "Why there are no decent men in this town?" Why? Why? Why? Which brings me to Gottlieb's latest book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough. While the title, in all fairness to Gottlieb, is a brilliant marketing ploy, it's also a major point of contention for feminists and independent girls alike.
"Why does every girl have to aspire to get married?" they ask. "What kind of crap is this woman peddling?" they wonder. And most tellingly, "But I've waited this long already; surely I can wait a little while longer?"
Oh, and lets not overlook the fact that one of Gottlieb's chapters is aptly titled, "How Feminism F---ed Up My Love Life". Yep, the feminists aren't happy.
But perhaps Gottlieb has a point. She explains that, if it wasn't for feminism, she wouldn't be in this 40-and-single predicament that she's struggling with. And if it weren't for feminism, she'd never have to contemplate "settling" in the first place because she'd already be married.
"Here's what actually happened," she writes. "Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that, in real life, you can't get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only. Which is exactly how many of us empowered ourselves out of a good mate."
Bianca Dye, a prominent radio presenter, author of Playing Hard To Get and self-proclaimed feminist, agrees with Gottlieb. She says that feminism has indeed f---ed up her love life. And she says that it's not only she who has felt feminism's wrath.
"The main issue for our relationships is that we want it both ways," she explains. "We want to be feminists in every other aspect of our lives except for our relationships. So I don't blame men for being confused. I know many hard-core feminists who, despite their ideals, still want the door to be opened and still want to a man to cook her dinner once in a while when she's had a hard day. I do pay my own bills but I still do want a man to take care of me when I have a migraine and occasionally smother me with love and attention. Just because I'm a feminist and I want equal pay, doesn't mean I don't want my boyfriend to do these things. And I don't see why we have to make a choice."
Dye, who is about to turn 37, says Gottlieb's book has been mightily confronting.
"The options for me are dwindling. I want to meet someone and have a baby because I don't want to miss the boat. But the guys who are my age want to date younger women. It's a depressing wake-up call."
She also says that the reason there are more single women out there hankering on for Mr Right is that we are symptomatic of the Oprah generation.
"We live by the motto, 'Don't you settle girlfriend - Mr Perfect is out there!' But that's just bullshit. I know that there is someone out there for me who is amazing, but who is a seven out of 10 - and that is just fine. As long as he doesn't do drugs, wants to have kids, is honest, romantic and a good human being - then I am open to anything outside of that. All the talk about men having to have a certain amount of money, someone who reads the same books as we do, who lives in a certain suburb etc - dream on sister."
Chivalry
The blokes aren't too happy about all feminism hoo-hah either. Not because women are standing their ground, but because many believe that women aren't allowing them to be "men" any longer. Take Justin, a single 20-something who says that feminism has confused him and, in turn, flipped the whole notion of chivalry on its proverbial head.
"I don't think chivalry will ever be dead, but it is definitely less prevalent than it was in the old days," he says. "And that is probably due to modern women wanting to be self-sufficient in more ways, which I support too. When you get those few women who, when you do open the door and they say 'I can do it myself', that doesn't help either. Because men want to be able to feel like men."
Single man Clyde concurs and says the reason fewer men are able to feel like men these days is that women are taking on a more masculine role. "They present themselves as 'one of the boys' in certain social situations, which makes it seem inappropriate at times to treat them with chivalry."
While he admits that this is not true of all women, he says: "It's just not clear whether or not a guy needs to or can win with all women at all times by being chivalrous." My theory? Women need to make it clear. Clear that, despite the fact they have a good job, earn lots of money and drive a nice car, they still need a man. And in order to show that, they need to be not so in-your-face independent.
"But why should I compromise who I really am?" asks my friend Jay. I tell her that she doesn't have to - but, if she doesn't want to be alone, then she either has to tone it the hell down, or find a man so confident in his own skin that he isn't threatened by his successful partner, no matter how independent she is ...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Women what is your definition of a good husband?
Last week we ran one of our favourite debates: deciding what makes a "good wife".
Sentiments ran wild from "don't be a bitch and stop being a control freak" to "do not emasculate your husband" and "don't be a Westinghouse", which in reader Phil's words translates to this: "It's when the wife turns into a fridge and there's no sex or love any more. When that happens, for whatever reason, then plainly and very, very simply, the man will look elsewhere."
Of course the axiom came up (as it usually does on this forum), that in reality all men want is something quite simple: "a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the house and a whore in the bedroom". Who would have thought?
As with most Ask Sam topics, the question quickly got flipped: "So what then makes a good husband?" many women asked. "I'm sure the women will have lengthy lists!" replied the men. And no doubt we will ...
Which brings us to the question of the day: what indeed does make a good husband? Is he one who stays at home and helps around the house? Or is he someone who works long hours and brings home the bacon but has little time to do the dishes, watch TV or listen to our problems?
The question reminded me of a story I read by New York Times writer Maureen Dowd, who once dared to ask the question, "Are Men Necessary?" in her book of the same title. (Yes, her book was received with a swell of negative press, angry men and a gaggle of applauding feminists.)
In a story on the merit of good husbands, she cites the thoughts of Father Pat Connor - a 79-year-old priest, who apparently has the keys to unlocking the secrets for women on how to pick the ideal man. And apparently "falling in love" isn't a good enough reason. "Infatuation trumps judgment," he tells Dowd.
Which would make sense to me considering the number of women I hear from who seem to have mightily clouded judgment when it comes to sticking with men who are clearly not worth the amount of breath they expend on talking about the problems they encounter with those men.
Yet says Connor, picking the "ideal husband" is easy, as long as he ticks just a few of the main boxes ...
* He must have friends. Apparently a man with no friends "will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands". While I've yet to date a man without mates, a girlfriend of mine is marrying one such sort and says it's rather brilliant. "I never have to go to any awkward dinners or weddings of people I don't even know. Plus I have him all to myself on weekends." Hm. Sounds charming.
* He must be good with money. If you're thrifty and he's on his 10th credit card, you're bound to run into problems soon enough. But what if he's too good with money and watches every dime you spend while forcing you to take back that brand new pair of heels you bought even though they were on sale? Now that's no fun either, is it?
* He must not be a doormat. True, it gets a little boring dating a "yes" man, but, with so many arguments that come with the marriage territory, sometimes I think it would be rather nice to have someone who is in constant agreement with you over everything from furniture choices to holiday destinations.
* He should not be too attached to his mother. Says Connor: "I've known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!" Ouch.
* He must have a sense of humour.
* He must not be an addict. Apparently we can never change a man, including shifting his bad habits, if Connor's theories are anything to by. Who would have thought?
* He must have a good attitude towards women. Look at his family to see how they interact to gauge whether they have similar values to yours. So what's left? Connor admits that, after his talk, the women cry out that there'll be no one left to marry. "Life is unfair," he responds. Indeed it is ...
What do you think?
Sentiments ran wild from "don't be a bitch and stop being a control freak" to "do not emasculate your husband" and "don't be a Westinghouse", which in reader Phil's words translates to this: "It's when the wife turns into a fridge and there's no sex or love any more. When that happens, for whatever reason, then plainly and very, very simply, the man will look elsewhere."
Of course the axiom came up (as it usually does on this forum), that in reality all men want is something quite simple: "a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the house and a whore in the bedroom". Who would have thought?
As with most Ask Sam topics, the question quickly got flipped: "So what then makes a good husband?" many women asked. "I'm sure the women will have lengthy lists!" replied the men. And no doubt we will ...
Which brings us to the question of the day: what indeed does make a good husband? Is he one who stays at home and helps around the house? Or is he someone who works long hours and brings home the bacon but has little time to do the dishes, watch TV or listen to our problems?
The question reminded me of a story I read by New York Times writer Maureen Dowd, who once dared to ask the question, "Are Men Necessary?" in her book of the same title. (Yes, her book was received with a swell of negative press, angry men and a gaggle of applauding feminists.)
In a story on the merit of good husbands, she cites the thoughts of Father Pat Connor - a 79-year-old priest, who apparently has the keys to unlocking the secrets for women on how to pick the ideal man. And apparently "falling in love" isn't a good enough reason. "Infatuation trumps judgment," he tells Dowd.
Which would make sense to me considering the number of women I hear from who seem to have mightily clouded judgment when it comes to sticking with men who are clearly not worth the amount of breath they expend on talking about the problems they encounter with those men.
Yet says Connor, picking the "ideal husband" is easy, as long as he ticks just a few of the main boxes ...
* He must have friends. Apparently a man with no friends "will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands". While I've yet to date a man without mates, a girlfriend of mine is marrying one such sort and says it's rather brilliant. "I never have to go to any awkward dinners or weddings of people I don't even know. Plus I have him all to myself on weekends." Hm. Sounds charming.
* He must be good with money. If you're thrifty and he's on his 10th credit card, you're bound to run into problems soon enough. But what if he's too good with money and watches every dime you spend while forcing you to take back that brand new pair of heels you bought even though they were on sale? Now that's no fun either, is it?
* He must not be a doormat. True, it gets a little boring dating a "yes" man, but, with so many arguments that come with the marriage territory, sometimes I think it would be rather nice to have someone who is in constant agreement with you over everything from furniture choices to holiday destinations.
* He should not be too attached to his mother. Says Connor: "I've known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!" Ouch.
* He must have a sense of humour.
* He must not be an addict. Apparently we can never change a man, including shifting his bad habits, if Connor's theories are anything to by. Who would have thought?
* He must have a good attitude towards women. Look at his family to see how they interact to gauge whether they have similar values to yours. So what's left? Connor admits that, after his talk, the women cry out that there'll be no one left to marry. "Life is unfair," he responds. Indeed it is ...
What do you think?
It's not me, it's YOU!
With Valentine's Day out of the way, you can bet your box of condoms that many people out there will be contemplating a break-up before the next sappy holiday rears its ugly head. In an indolent attempt to ease the dumping process, many have asked if it's ever OK to use the line, "It's not you, it's me", a cop-out if I've ever heard one. Others are of the school of thought that honesty is the best policy and usually, that entails telling your soon-to-be-ex that it's really them, and not you, who's the real problem.
So, if you're vacillating between wanting to dump your current beau and not wanting to let go of what you already have, (after all, there is a supposed "man drought" situation at hand), I've cobbled together a list of things that may (or may not) help ease the process and explain when it's not you, but definitely they, who is messing things up ...
They are insensitive to your feelings
There are many people out there who love to be the centre of attention. We all know these types, laugh at their jokes and feel a sense of electricity whenever they enter a room. But dating them is a whole different ball game.
"My ex-partner always wanted to be the comedian," one reader confided to me. "So he'd say these things to me that would just make me feel like shit. And if I didn't laugh back, he'd say that I was too sensitive and took things to heart, which were just meant to be jokes. In the end, I just had enough of his jibes."
Constant selfish behaviour
When your partner constantly puts their needs before yours, things can quickly morph from loveydoveydom to splitzville. True, drinking with their pals beats going to dinner with your folks; staying in to watch The Mentalist wins over escorting you to your annual office drinks; and leaving dirty socks around the house beats having to fold them up - or worse - putting them in the washing machine. But when it comes to respecting you and the relationship, selfish behaviour just doesn't fly. Relationships are all about making the other person feel wanted, special and a priority, which often means doing stuff they don't want to do.
Double standards
I know a couple. The female thinks it's OK to have as many male friends as her heart desires, but the minute her boyfriend even thinks about speaking to another girl, let alone sharing a coffee with someone other than his girlfriend, she does everything in her power to prevent it from happening. And he's sick of the double standards.
Of course I've seen the coin from both sides. There are those people who are OK with their partners having intimate dinners, interludes and lunches with the opposite sex; and there are others who won't hear a bar of it. The key is to avoid double standards and to make sure that you're both on the same page before things get out of hand. (Unnecessary Facebook flirting with someone other than your partner, is included. If you can do it, so can they!)
Not supporting your goals
You're on a diet; they're not. You're trying to stick to FebFast (no alcohol in the month of February); they're bringing bottles of wine over to your place. You're trying to quit smoking; they're puffing up a storm in the living room. You're trying to enhance your career; they're pulling you back. Relationships are meant to inspire, support and encourage, no matter how ridiculous your goals might be. Constantly putting you down means they're just not on your wavelength, let alone in your zip code.
They're stingy
It's not about spending money, it's about spending time together. And if they're constantly complaining that they are having to fork out their hard-earned dough to take you out to dinner, the movies or to bring over takeaways for a night in, well then there's something deeper going on. And it's got nothing to do with the GFC. I've known the poorest of gents saving every dollar to create a romantic picnic for the one he loves. Women are simple creatures when it comes to gifts. And often, as much as we hate to admit it, it really is the thought, and the little bit of generosity, that counts.
Reasons to stay because it's clearly you, not them
Often I'll hear people complain about the above "injustices" in their relationships and the fact that they can do "sooo much better" than their current partner because they're just not feeling it. But sometimes our expectations can simply be a little too high. Sometimes our egos can be a little too inflated and we'll look across to our friend who has been dating a man for three months and they've already moved in together and she's got a sparkler on her finger and we'll think, "Why can't that be me? Am I with the wrong person?"
While many don't think there's such a thing as having expectations that are too high and that respecting yourself means not settling for less, sometimes I'm just not so sure if it really is them, and not you, that's the issue ....
So, if you're vacillating between wanting to dump your current beau and not wanting to let go of what you already have, (after all, there is a supposed "man drought" situation at hand), I've cobbled together a list of things that may (or may not) help ease the process and explain when it's not you, but definitely they, who is messing things up ...
They are insensitive to your feelings
There are many people out there who love to be the centre of attention. We all know these types, laugh at their jokes and feel a sense of electricity whenever they enter a room. But dating them is a whole different ball game.
"My ex-partner always wanted to be the comedian," one reader confided to me. "So he'd say these things to me that would just make me feel like shit. And if I didn't laugh back, he'd say that I was too sensitive and took things to heart, which were just meant to be jokes. In the end, I just had enough of his jibes."
Constant selfish behaviour
When your partner constantly puts their needs before yours, things can quickly morph from loveydoveydom to splitzville. True, drinking with their pals beats going to dinner with your folks; staying in to watch The Mentalist wins over escorting you to your annual office drinks; and leaving dirty socks around the house beats having to fold them up - or worse - putting them in the washing machine. But when it comes to respecting you and the relationship, selfish behaviour just doesn't fly. Relationships are all about making the other person feel wanted, special and a priority, which often means doing stuff they don't want to do.
Double standards
I know a couple. The female thinks it's OK to have as many male friends as her heart desires, but the minute her boyfriend even thinks about speaking to another girl, let alone sharing a coffee with someone other than his girlfriend, she does everything in her power to prevent it from happening. And he's sick of the double standards.
Of course I've seen the coin from both sides. There are those people who are OK with their partners having intimate dinners, interludes and lunches with the opposite sex; and there are others who won't hear a bar of it. The key is to avoid double standards and to make sure that you're both on the same page before things get out of hand. (Unnecessary Facebook flirting with someone other than your partner, is included. If you can do it, so can they!)
Not supporting your goals
You're on a diet; they're not. You're trying to stick to FebFast (no alcohol in the month of February); they're bringing bottles of wine over to your place. You're trying to quit smoking; they're puffing up a storm in the living room. You're trying to enhance your career; they're pulling you back. Relationships are meant to inspire, support and encourage, no matter how ridiculous your goals might be. Constantly putting you down means they're just not on your wavelength, let alone in your zip code.
They're stingy
It's not about spending money, it's about spending time together. And if they're constantly complaining that they are having to fork out their hard-earned dough to take you out to dinner, the movies or to bring over takeaways for a night in, well then there's something deeper going on. And it's got nothing to do with the GFC. I've known the poorest of gents saving every dollar to create a romantic picnic for the one he loves. Women are simple creatures when it comes to gifts. And often, as much as we hate to admit it, it really is the thought, and the little bit of generosity, that counts.
Reasons to stay because it's clearly you, not them
Often I'll hear people complain about the above "injustices" in their relationships and the fact that they can do "sooo much better" than their current partner because they're just not feeling it. But sometimes our expectations can simply be a little too high. Sometimes our egos can be a little too inflated and we'll look across to our friend who has been dating a man for three months and they've already moved in together and she's got a sparkler on her finger and we'll think, "Why can't that be me? Am I with the wrong person?"
While many don't think there's such a thing as having expectations that are too high and that respecting yourself means not settling for less, sometimes I'm just not so sure if it really is them, and not you, that's the issue ....
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Does Monogamy truly exist?
The other day I met a guy at a pub who told me that he had a real problem with monogamy. "I find it really difficult to remain monogamous with any girl I date," he said. And, apparently, it's not just him. "It's biological for men to want to spread their seed," he continued. "That's why so many men go cycling." Cycling? "Yep, it's to get those urges out of our system by pounding the bike on the street."
While it's obviously not the case for all men (can't some blokes fancy a little exercise without being accused of wanting to bonk someone?), I felt the urge to dig a little deeper into the topic. And what I found was quite different to what we usually discuss in this column ...
A guy by the name of F. Roger Devlin, who's written essays on gender dynamics and the sexual revolution, says that it's not actually the guys who always want to be non-monogamous, but it's actually a biological imperative of women ...
Yep, we can stop blaming the DNA of gents for their wandering eye because, by his reckoning, it's more accurate to say that the female sexual instinct is to be hypergamous. In other words women only want to mate with a man who is at the top of the food chain in terms of wealth, job status, educational level and social standing. (This as opposed to men who tend to value physical attractiveness in a woman above all else.)
"Men have the tendency to seek sexual variety," writes Devlin. "But women have simple tastes in the manner of Oscar Wilde: They are always satisfied with the best."
He explains that hypergamy does not negate monogamy because, while women might be into only one alpha bloke at a time, when another alpha male comes along and topples the position of the first, well, you get the picture. "As a result, women are the first to want in to a monogamous relationship, and the first to want out."
When I carried out an unofficial poll on the subject, the sentiment didn't exactly mirror Devlin's theories, and the results were a very mixed bag.
While Max claimed monogamy "has been born of thousands of years of experience", Cameron retorted with, "Hell no, that's like eating pumpkin soup for the rest of your life, and who seriously could handle that!"
Wendy claimed, "If the love is real and both keep working at making it interesting and have good communication, then it can work." But she also admitted that you have to "really love a person and not want anyone else".
Graham said, "People who refuse to be monogamous are too selfish to ever have fulfilling long-term relationships."
And Georgia concluded: "It's not for assholes or sex addicts."
Which brings me to my next point: are the famous and powerful different from the rest of us? Is monogamy more difficult when temptation is everywhere and hormones are surging through your veins faster than a Roger Federer forehand? Of course, with the latest spate of tawdry affairs, crude text messages (written to women who are not their wives) and raunchy pictures being leaked (of people other than their wives), it would seem that, indeed, people in the spotlight find the whole notion of monogamy extremely difficult.
Take the conversation I had the other day with a personality who regaled us with her adventures of dating a sports star.
"We'd sit at the bar and hordes of these scantily dressed women would come up to him and whisper things in his ear or start rubbing his shoulder. And I couldn't even get angry at him because it was the women who were the problem, not him!"
When I asked her if she thought he ever cheated on her, she replied, "Oh absolutely. There's no doubt they do it because who in their right mind could resist all that temptation?"
In keeping with her observation, a recent story for CNN News had a similar conclusion, and, in jest, urged couples to change their vows to something more along the lines of this:
"Till a tempting new partner do us part."
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Getting What You Want In Bed
Don’t let another night go by wishing and hoping that your man would get it right. Pleasing a woman takes knowledge and understanding. More than likely, your man would give anything to rock your world, he just doesn’t know how. Teach him how to please you by following our super sexy lesson plans. No need to share your plan with him; it will be our little secret.
You are about to embark on a serious training project and like any endeavor of this sort, it requires a good plan. One thing to keep in mind throughout the process is that you are training a man, and it calls for a bit more finesse than training say, a child, a dog, or an athlete. The best way to train him is to never let on that there is anything wrong. Instead, he should believe that you are expanding the adventure of your already wonderful lovemaking. In addition, secret planning will enable you to implement one of the most useful pieces of man-training: turning the neck. You have heard the metaphor that the man may be the head of the house, but it is the woman, as the neck, that turns the head in the direction she desires.
Smart women have figured out that if you allow a man to think that he came up with his ideas all on his own, he will be much more committed to following through with them. One of the key differences between a man and a woman is his need to be appreciated as a mastermind, a fixer, and a great lover. He actually needs that confirmation to retain his pride as a man. Women don’t need the ego confirmation like a man does. They need to be cherished, adored and respected. Play your womanly hand in this game of love and greatly increase both your chances of winning.
To begin training your husband, you will need to choose which lesson you would like to start with. You don’t want to overwhelm him with too much at the same time; it is too easy to slip up and make him feel bad about himself. You might choose to work on foreplay first, or it might be what he does or doesn’t do during sex, or maybe it is the lack of adventure in your sex life that you choose to tackle first. The next step is to choose your angle. Here are a few options:
You don’t always need an angle. Definitely shake things up a bit. Remember that you are choosing one lesson at a time and you should try different approaches often so that he doesn’t begin to feel like his manhood is being challenged. Your training will go a whole lot smoother if he just sees you as being extra adventurous, not out to change his ways. Some secrets are worth keeping…
Find sexy ways to let him know what you want from him.
The last stage of each lesson should be feedback. Voice a reaction to your lovemaking session, but do it with finesse. Use the tips below to close each chapter of training in such a way that his ego is in tact and you are that much closer to having the best sex of your life.
You are about to embark on a serious training project and like any endeavor of this sort, it requires a good plan. One thing to keep in mind throughout the process is that you are training a man, and it calls for a bit more finesse than training say, a child, a dog, or an athlete. The best way to train him is to never let on that there is anything wrong. Instead, he should believe that you are expanding the adventure of your already wonderful lovemaking. In addition, secret planning will enable you to implement one of the most useful pieces of man-training: turning the neck. You have heard the metaphor that the man may be the head of the house, but it is the woman, as the neck, that turns the head in the direction she desires.
Smart women have figured out that if you allow a man to think that he came up with his ideas all on his own, he will be much more committed to following through with them. One of the key differences between a man and a woman is his need to be appreciated as a mastermind, a fixer, and a great lover. He actually needs that confirmation to retain his pride as a man. Women don’t need the ego confirmation like a man does. They need to be cherished, adored and respected. Play your womanly hand in this game of love and greatly increase both your chances of winning.
To begin training your husband, you will need to choose which lesson you would like to start with. You don’t want to overwhelm him with too much at the same time; it is too easy to slip up and make him feel bad about himself. You might choose to work on foreplay first, or it might be what he does or doesn’t do during sex, or maybe it is the lack of adventure in your sex life that you choose to tackle first. The next step is to choose your angle. Here are a few options:
- Take a love quiz like this one or this one together. It will open up conversation about what things you always wanted to try, what things really turn you on, etc.
- Open up a conversation by asking him about his desires first. Ask him what he really likes, what he would like more of, and what he’s always wanted to try. The conversation should then turn to what you really like, what you want more of, and what you’ve always wanted to try.
- Go out to dinner and have a few drinks. Then, as a “spur of the moment idea,” share your sensual wish lists with each other, writing down things you both hope to experience on cocktail napkins so you can look at them again the next day.
- Tell him what you want him to do in the heat of the moment. The closer a man is to climax, the more appeasing he is, so take the opportunity when he is hot and ready to tell him something you wish he would do. Say it in a super sexy way and refrain from criticizing him in any way. Say something like, “Oh baby, you feel so good… I want you to _____.”
- Mention something you’d like to experience when the two of you are doing something totally non-sexual, taking him by surprise with your non-shalant attitude. Imagine driving home from the grocery store and mentioning out of the blue that you have been imagining what it would be like to do it on the kitchen counter or wondering what it would be like to buy a sex toy together. That leaves it in his court, and odds are that you’ll have that fantasy come true before the week is out.
- Introduce your desires and fantasies by construing a little fib, “A friend told me a story today at work. You wouldn’t believe what she tried with her husband last night…” or “I stumbled on an article about something interesting today and it made me so hot, imaging us doing it. It was all about ____” or “I had the hottest dream about you last night. You were _____.”
- Set up a role play rendezvous where you are in charge. You could be a sex instructor or dominatrix. That way, you can tell him what you want him to do and he will love the idea of being “schooled” by a hot sex master!
- Challenge him. Bring out his competitive nature with a sexy challenge. One idea, if you are sick of the hum drum five minute lay before bed, is to tell him that you will have sex with him anywhere, anytime, as long as it is not on your bed. Another idea is to make a game with him, a challenge of who can take the reigns and create the hottest sexual encounter. You each make a short list of things you want and swap lists. Include four or so things that you like that he does already and four more things that you want him to do. Don’t tell him to do the same, though. Let him put whatever he wants on his list, so he doesn’t feel like this is a project to make him better in bed, but just a fun encounter to have. Roll dice to see who gets the first night and have a blast playing out your challenge and see whose rendezvous works out best!
You don’t always need an angle. Definitely shake things up a bit. Remember that you are choosing one lesson at a time and you should try different approaches often so that he doesn’t begin to feel like his manhood is being challenged. Your training will go a whole lot smoother if he just sees you as being extra adventurous, not out to change his ways. Some secrets are worth keeping…
Find sexy ways to let him know what you want from him.
- Talk to him sweetly, using your bedroom voice. Whisper what you want in his ear, but do it kindly. For example, if he is pounding you like a jack rabbit, tell him that you want to “feel him more, slowly.”
- Give him physical clues to what you would like. For example, if you want him to handle your breasts more, put them right in his face. Men can’t help but grab onto bouncing boobies.
- If you want him to alter the way he does something, try doing it to him first. It won’t take long for him to get the hint that you are giving him. If that alone doesn’t get him doing what you want, show him how you like it by guiding him. Move his hands or body and tell him, “Like this.” Telling him how you like it while it’s happening instead of criticizing afterword makes it more of an erotic experience than a “schooling.”
- Let your inhibitions go and your vocals loose. The tiniest inkling to let out a moan or tell him “yes” and you should let it out. Scream if you feel like it, men love it.
- Don’t over-reward. Make your reaction in direct ratio to the amount of pleasure he is giving you. Most of this will come naturally of course, but it doesn’t hurt to keep it in mind while you are on the mission to train.
- Tell him that you really like what he’s doing and that you want to try it in a different position, in a different room, slower, faster, or whatever you want. The key part is to reinforce that you like what he is doing already and that you want more.
- If he really knocks your socks off, let him know by returning the favor. Blow his mind by doing something you know he loves. It may sound a bit impersonal, but a man’s mind works that way sometimes. This sort of reward system, if done properly, buries in his subconscious and he will associate doing what you like with getting what he likes.
The last stage of each lesson should be feedback. Voice a reaction to your lovemaking session, but do it with finesse. Use the tips below to close each chapter of training in such a way that his ego is in tact and you are that much closer to having the best sex of your life.
- It doesn’t have to be a formal discussion. In fact, the more casual your feedback is, the more he receptive he will be. For example, you could tell him, “You know, honey, I loved it when you ____ and I was thinking that next time, we could ____” and gently tell him what it is that you want from him.
- Be open and willing to talk about your desires with him, but make sure you are inquiring about his desires just as much.
- Don’t always have suggestions. Give him a lot of encouragement by telling him how hot the sex was, how much you keep thinking about him touching you, etc. Again, don’t pretend to feel that way if you don’t, but there are surely things you could pick out of every experience to praise him for. He needs compliments just as much as you do.
- Once in a while, it’s ok to give him a little sting. If he is doing something that drives you nuts, you may have to come right out and say it. Just make sure that when you do, he feels very loved and assured before and after. You don’t want to tack a sting onto a lesson already in progress. Let things ride for a while, then break the news, and then give him a while to get over the blast before resuming your lessons.
The Art of the Kiss: Take it from the Master
"I ran up the door, opened the stairs, said my pajamas and put on my prayers - turned off my bed, tumbled into my light, and all because he kissed me good-night!" ~Author Unknown
There's nothing quite as remarkable and unforgettable as the exchange of an amazing kiss. The meeting of lips can evoke such a myriad of emotions and communicate your desires in a way that nothing else can quite compare. Even better, when you've got the skills, your lips become a weapon in the war of passion and lust. If you're ready to tease and torture your love to a passionate exchange of heavy lip-locking, consider these tips and ideas.
Kissing 101: Techniques for Lovers
Want to get down to the nitty gritty of kissing like a sex goddess? First, start with the key elements to a great kiss -- pressure, duration, texture, and relaxation.
Pressure
When it comes to pressure, you don't want to smash your lips into each other, but you don't want to feel like you're kissing air either. Find a happy medium that allows you to vary your intensity from gentle to passionate, depending on the mood.
Duration
The duration of the kiss should correlate to the mood you are trying to create. If you want to be a teasing tart, quick and suggestive kisses would be a better choice. If you want to fill them with wanton longing and need, a longer, more passionate exchange would fit the bill.
Texture
The condition of your lips is a very large part of your kissing experience. Make sure to keep them from getting overly chapped by using chapstick or lipstick regularly. Also, if you know you're going to have a heated exchange, save his lips and avoid the extra lipstick.
Relaxation
Relaxation is really only critical when it comes to your first kissing exchanges. You can completely blow a first kiss opportunity by being to rigid and stiff with your lips because of nerves. Just remember to enjoy the exchange. If you end up spending your time worrying about your kiss, it will show and you'll have ruined the moment anyway.
Kissing 102: A Flirty Guide
Now that you've got the basics down, try exploring a little and getting creative with the tips below.
Did you know our brains have special neurons that help us find each other's lips in the dark? Add a sense of mystery and test out the science of kissing with an after-dark or blindfolded exchange.
Scents and tastes are all big turn-ons. Take advantage of this and use a little flavored lip gloss for an unexpected pleasure.
Mix things up and vary your kisses with your partner. Kiss harder, then lighter. Draw away from your partner to make them work for it a little bit and then give in and go all out. Play with your technique for the best results.
Don't just love the lips. Keep in mind there are other erogenous zones near the lips as well. Divert some of your attention to their jawbone, ears and throat.
Get caught up in the moment. Nothing ruins a kiss more than realizing your partner's just not that into it or their mind is on something else. If you're going to make-out, leave everything else behind you and just revel in the sensations.
Kissing 103: An Advanced Primer
If you're ready to take your kissing to the next level, these reader ideas might be just the ticket to spice things up.
A Kiss to Remember
My boyfriend surprises me every now and then with a kiss to remember. First he licks my upper and lower lips and then kisses them softly and passionately. I've been with him for a year and 3 months and it still gets to me every time. Try it and see for yourself!
--submitted by Angelic
Breathe You In
This is a passionate way to love your partner. When you are both lying down and kissing, try putting your lips together and gently breathe into one another. He exhales while you inhale and vice versa. This is so romantic. I love to do this with my lover, hopefully you will too.
--submitted by Carolyn
Brushed Kisses
When you go in to kiss your partner, give them one soft kiss on the lips, then brush your lips across theirs. Go back and forth about three or four times and then give another couple of soft kisses. This always leads to a more passionate kiss. If they try to kiss you while you're brushing against their lips, pull back a bit. My girlfriend does this to me and it drives me nuts, but I LOVE IT!
--submitted by Matt
Cooling Kisses
Start by gently kissing your partner's jaw line and as you kiss, blow on the spot that has just been kissed. It makes it tingle and feels so special!
--submitted by Emily
Icy Hot Kisses
One of you sucks on an ice cube, while the other takes a sip of a hot drink. Then kiss! The chemistry created by this kiss is incredible!
--submitted by Sexybabe1
Make His Head Spin
On our fourth date, my wife, instead of just giving me a sweet kiss and nicely stepping out of the car, grabbed me by the tie, pulled me towards her and kissed me hard for three seconds. Then she let go, dashed out of the car and into her house. It's been some years since that happened and my head is still spinning!!
--submitted by Anonymous
Taking Control
One thing I love to do with my boyfriend is to tease him a bit. First, I run my fingers along his lips, but pull away if he tries to kiss them. Then, I tell him that he isn’t allowed to kiss me back or touch me at all, or else I will stop. I follow that up by slowly kissing every part of his lips and his mouth. While doing this, I run my hands over his body, but pull away if I feel him react at all. He said it drove him crazy! It's fun for both of you: a major turn-on for the receiver and the giver!
--submitted by Anonymous
Teasing Kiss
My boyfriend and I love to tease each other while kissing. In the middle of a kiss, one of us leans back so the other has to move in to reach their lips. As they reach in, keep moving back a little further each time so they can’t reach. This game builds the anticipation of the kiss. Once they finally reach, it will be the most passionate and deep kiss you will ever have.
--submitted by Anonymous
Teasing Kisses
My favorite kiss begins like this…. First, I put my head on his shoulder, and start giving him little innocent kisses at the base of his neck. As I get farther up the neck, I open my mouth more, so it he feels the kisses a little more. By the time I reach his ear, he’s going crazy. Then I stop with a little baby kiss,run my tongue up the outside curve of the ear, and then finally gently biting the earlobe. It helps to breathe a lot on his skin while doing this, because the air on the place where you lick tingles.
--submitted by MaybeBaby
Upside Down Kiss
The most playful and teasing way to kiss is upside down!... with your partner lying face up, start from the lips kissing them upside down...exploring and teasing kisses in this position can drive your partner crazy and who knows where the kisses will lead!
--submitted by Ohioengineer2
There's nothing quite as remarkable and unforgettable as the exchange of an amazing kiss. The meeting of lips can evoke such a myriad of emotions and communicate your desires in a way that nothing else can quite compare. Even better, when you've got the skills, your lips become a weapon in the war of passion and lust. If you're ready to tease and torture your love to a passionate exchange of heavy lip-locking, consider these tips and ideas.
Kissing 101: Techniques for Lovers
Want to get down to the nitty gritty of kissing like a sex goddess? First, start with the key elements to a great kiss -- pressure, duration, texture, and relaxation.
Pressure
When it comes to pressure, you don't want to smash your lips into each other, but you don't want to feel like you're kissing air either. Find a happy medium that allows you to vary your intensity from gentle to passionate, depending on the mood.
Duration
The duration of the kiss should correlate to the mood you are trying to create. If you want to be a teasing tart, quick and suggestive kisses would be a better choice. If you want to fill them with wanton longing and need, a longer, more passionate exchange would fit the bill.
Texture
The condition of your lips is a very large part of your kissing experience. Make sure to keep them from getting overly chapped by using chapstick or lipstick regularly. Also, if you know you're going to have a heated exchange, save his lips and avoid the extra lipstick.
Relaxation
Relaxation is really only critical when it comes to your first kissing exchanges. You can completely blow a first kiss opportunity by being to rigid and stiff with your lips because of nerves. Just remember to enjoy the exchange. If you end up spending your time worrying about your kiss, it will show and you'll have ruined the moment anyway.
Kissing 102: A Flirty Guide
Now that you've got the basics down, try exploring a little and getting creative with the tips below.
Did you know our brains have special neurons that help us find each other's lips in the dark? Add a sense of mystery and test out the science of kissing with an after-dark or blindfolded exchange.
Scents and tastes are all big turn-ons. Take advantage of this and use a little flavored lip gloss for an unexpected pleasure.
Mix things up and vary your kisses with your partner. Kiss harder, then lighter. Draw away from your partner to make them work for it a little bit and then give in and go all out. Play with your technique for the best results.
Don't just love the lips. Keep in mind there are other erogenous zones near the lips as well. Divert some of your attention to their jawbone, ears and throat.
Get caught up in the moment. Nothing ruins a kiss more than realizing your partner's just not that into it or their mind is on something else. If you're going to make-out, leave everything else behind you and just revel in the sensations.
Kissing 103: An Advanced Primer
If you're ready to take your kissing to the next level, these reader ideas might be just the ticket to spice things up.
A Kiss to Remember
My boyfriend surprises me every now and then with a kiss to remember. First he licks my upper and lower lips and then kisses them softly and passionately. I've been with him for a year and 3 months and it still gets to me every time. Try it and see for yourself!
--submitted by Angelic
Breathe You In
This is a passionate way to love your partner. When you are both lying down and kissing, try putting your lips together and gently breathe into one another. He exhales while you inhale and vice versa. This is so romantic. I love to do this with my lover, hopefully you will too.
--submitted by Carolyn
Brushed Kisses
When you go in to kiss your partner, give them one soft kiss on the lips, then brush your lips across theirs. Go back and forth about three or four times and then give another couple of soft kisses. This always leads to a more passionate kiss. If they try to kiss you while you're brushing against their lips, pull back a bit. My girlfriend does this to me and it drives me nuts, but I LOVE IT!
--submitted by Matt
Cooling Kisses
Start by gently kissing your partner's jaw line and as you kiss, blow on the spot that has just been kissed. It makes it tingle and feels so special!
--submitted by Emily
Icy Hot Kisses
One of you sucks on an ice cube, while the other takes a sip of a hot drink. Then kiss! The chemistry created by this kiss is incredible!
--submitted by Sexybabe1
Make His Head Spin
On our fourth date, my wife, instead of just giving me a sweet kiss and nicely stepping out of the car, grabbed me by the tie, pulled me towards her and kissed me hard for three seconds. Then she let go, dashed out of the car and into her house. It's been some years since that happened and my head is still spinning!!
--submitted by Anonymous
Taking Control
One thing I love to do with my boyfriend is to tease him a bit. First, I run my fingers along his lips, but pull away if he tries to kiss them. Then, I tell him that he isn’t allowed to kiss me back or touch me at all, or else I will stop. I follow that up by slowly kissing every part of his lips and his mouth. While doing this, I run my hands over his body, but pull away if I feel him react at all. He said it drove him crazy! It's fun for both of you: a major turn-on for the receiver and the giver!
--submitted by Anonymous
Teasing Kiss
My boyfriend and I love to tease each other while kissing. In the middle of a kiss, one of us leans back so the other has to move in to reach their lips. As they reach in, keep moving back a little further each time so they can’t reach. This game builds the anticipation of the kiss. Once they finally reach, it will be the most passionate and deep kiss you will ever have.
--submitted by Anonymous
Teasing Kisses
My favorite kiss begins like this…. First, I put my head on his shoulder, and start giving him little innocent kisses at the base of his neck. As I get farther up the neck, I open my mouth more, so it he feels the kisses a little more. By the time I reach his ear, he’s going crazy. Then I stop with a little baby kiss,run my tongue up the outside curve of the ear, and then finally gently biting the earlobe. It helps to breathe a lot on his skin while doing this, because the air on the place where you lick tingles.
--submitted by MaybeBaby
Upside Down Kiss
The most playful and teasing way to kiss is upside down!... with your partner lying face up, start from the lips kissing them upside down...exploring and teasing kisses in this position can drive your partner crazy and who knows where the kisses will lead!
--submitted by Ohioengineer2
Relationship Dos and Don'ts
The first few weeks of the love game is when one of two things might happen: romance and passion infects you, bonding your hearts forever more, or one of you flops and ruins the chemistry before it has a chance to take hold. Which will it be for you? Heed our tips and make sure your relationship kicks off with a bang.
Conversation
Have normal, get-to-know-you conversations. Talking incessantly about how you feel and how great things are going between the two of you is nothing short of obnoxious. It projects a certain amount of immaturity that repels the good dates and attracts the wrong ones.
Pressure
Pressuring your date to do anything is a big no-no. Once again, it is a sign of relationship immaturity as well as personal immaturity. You could beg your date to go to church with your family on Sunday or argue good reasons to stay the night with you -- the nature of your pressuring doesn't matter. What matters is that you are selfishly disrespecting your date’s boundaries. If a relationship starts off with one person pressing on the other’s limits or preferences, there are bound to be loads of regret by the end of it.
Taking Hints
Pay attention to the clues your date is giving you. They may be inviting more intimacy, they may be trying to show you where their boundaries are, or they may be trying to subtly tell you that you’ve got dragon breath. Either way, you want to know, so pay attention. If you aren’t sure, ask; it is a far better option than making the wrong assumption.
Texts and Phone Calls
Refrain from over-calling/texting to keep things light and friendly. Remember the guidelines for conversation even when texting. The “I miss you” text every day when you only just met is really annoying. Not until you are an “official” couple is it appropriate to text or call to talk about your emotions or anything sexual. Don’t call or text to tell them how nice their butt looked the night before. Save that sort of flattery for when you are in the moment, and even then, use it sparingly because it can easily be construed as trashy and rude. What you should focus on is getting to know the other person and letting them get to know you. Think of it this way… After every message or every phone conversation, the other person is going to mull over it in their mind and might even talk about it with a friend. They will dismantle every word you said and search for more meaning behind the words.
Honesty
Everybody wants to put their best foot forward in a new dating relationship, but don’t pretend to be someone you are not. In turn, watch for warning signs that your date isn’t all they seem to be. Dishonesty, especially misrepresenting themselves, is a big red flag that shouldn’t be ignored. When you do get a clue that there are major differences in areas like spirituality, family, social ethics, or politics, be honest with yourself about the possibility of being truly happy with them. You are looking for a match and so are they.
Gut Instincts
Listen to your gut. If you hear the little alarms going off inside of you, pay attention to them. It is easy to brush your feelings to the side in an effort to fall in love, but when you ignore your instincts over and over again, it gets more difficult to recognize when they are trying to alert you. Most of the time, later on in a relationship or a while after a relationship, one can look back and see the exact time during the first few weeks (many times in the first couple of days) that they had a gut feeling about their date and it turned out to be right.
Judgment
Don’t be too quick to judge. Sometimes it is wise to look at yourself just as critically during a new relationship. For instance, if you are often turned off by how little men spend on you when they take you out, perhaps it is your value system that needs a check-up rather than theirs.
Maintaining Your Self
Don’t drop everything else in your life. It is common, especially for women, to forget about themselves and take on the identity of their partners. That is the consequence of bad past relationships and lack of positive relationship role models. You can prevent losing yourself in a new relationship by keeping the things that matter to you a part of your daily life. Things like journaling, reading, exercising, and spending time with friends and family, all the things that help to keep you a healthy, balanced person, should remain high on your priority list. Make a point to enjoy the same things you normally do, even in the first weeks of a new romance.
Lowering the Bar
Keep your standards high. Don’t talk yourself into being okay with something that you aren’t. Settling is a sure way to get yourself into a miserable relationship. Do you remember the last time you said to yourself, “I should have known when they… ?” If you aren’t sure what your standard is, make a list of all the things you want in a partner. If your date doesn’t fit the bill, don’t waist your precious time.
Planning and Paying
It is a great idea to trade off date planning and date funding. Not to say that it should be a regulated arrangement of every other date or anything, but stepping away from the traditional system of men planning and paying for all dates can be a lot of fun and make it easier to get to know each other. Taking control of the rendezvous enables you to surprise them, impress them, and romance them. In addition, you can learn a lot about them by switching roles.
Alcohol Consumption
The general rule is to stay relatively sober for at least the first month of dating someone. Getting sloshy drunk anytime in those first few weeks is likely to be your kiss of death. They will undoubtedly see you at your worst and redeeming yourself from that is not an easy feat.
Meeting Friends, Family, and the Ex Ease your new love interest into your social circles. Start off by introducing them to a few select friends, particularly those who help you “screen” prospective mates. An introduction to family members, especially parents, and ex’s, even if they are still a part of your life, shouldn’t happen until you are at least approaching a month of dating. Why? Besides being a little weird and moving too fast, you want to wait because it takes a while to establish comfort levels in social situations. This will give you time to learn to recognize each other’s cues and know enough about each other that an “inner circle" situation isn’t uncomfortable.
Keeping Your Distance
Don’t overwhelm them with attention. Don’t invite yourself over more than once a week, and don’t smother them with physical affection when you are together. You may feel the urge to reach out and touch their sweet face over and over again, but refrain because it is uncomfortable. Men and women often make the mistake of jumping into “couple” behaviors like smooching, holding hands, using terms of endearment, and touching them in sexual ways too soon and scaring off their dates. I will again reiterate that getting to know someone for who they are as an individual should be the focus of a new relationship. Too often, people get caught up in the romance before realizing how little they actually know about their partner.
Skeletons
Everybody has their dirty little secrets, and it wouldn’t be good for you to go telling them to every person you date, but you might want to drop a hint here and there to test the waters. In those first couple of weeks, be as honest as you would like them to be with you. For some couples, after a few dates and things are going well, it could help to discuss the fact that you both have pasts and that you should share them later on down the road. Just make sure that when that one month mark (or comparable milestone) comes around, you let them know some of the details of the skeletons you alluded to. Otherwise, they become secrets that will surely hinder your relationship.
Conversation
Have normal, get-to-know-you conversations. Talking incessantly about how you feel and how great things are going between the two of you is nothing short of obnoxious. It projects a certain amount of immaturity that repels the good dates and attracts the wrong ones.
Pressure
Pressuring your date to do anything is a big no-no. Once again, it is a sign of relationship immaturity as well as personal immaturity. You could beg your date to go to church with your family on Sunday or argue good reasons to stay the night with you -- the nature of your pressuring doesn't matter. What matters is that you are selfishly disrespecting your date’s boundaries. If a relationship starts off with one person pressing on the other’s limits or preferences, there are bound to be loads of regret by the end of it.
Taking Hints
Pay attention to the clues your date is giving you. They may be inviting more intimacy, they may be trying to show you where their boundaries are, or they may be trying to subtly tell you that you’ve got dragon breath. Either way, you want to know, so pay attention. If you aren’t sure, ask; it is a far better option than making the wrong assumption.
Texts and Phone Calls
Refrain from over-calling/texting to keep things light and friendly. Remember the guidelines for conversation even when texting. The “I miss you” text every day when you only just met is really annoying. Not until you are an “official” couple is it appropriate to text or call to talk about your emotions or anything sexual. Don’t call or text to tell them how nice their butt looked the night before. Save that sort of flattery for when you are in the moment, and even then, use it sparingly because it can easily be construed as trashy and rude. What you should focus on is getting to know the other person and letting them get to know you. Think of it this way… After every message or every phone conversation, the other person is going to mull over it in their mind and might even talk about it with a friend. They will dismantle every word you said and search for more meaning behind the words.
Honesty
Everybody wants to put their best foot forward in a new dating relationship, but don’t pretend to be someone you are not. In turn, watch for warning signs that your date isn’t all they seem to be. Dishonesty, especially misrepresenting themselves, is a big red flag that shouldn’t be ignored. When you do get a clue that there are major differences in areas like spirituality, family, social ethics, or politics, be honest with yourself about the possibility of being truly happy with them. You are looking for a match and so are they.
Gut Instincts
Listen to your gut. If you hear the little alarms going off inside of you, pay attention to them. It is easy to brush your feelings to the side in an effort to fall in love, but when you ignore your instincts over and over again, it gets more difficult to recognize when they are trying to alert you. Most of the time, later on in a relationship or a while after a relationship, one can look back and see the exact time during the first few weeks (many times in the first couple of days) that they had a gut feeling about their date and it turned out to be right.
Judgment
Don’t be too quick to judge. Sometimes it is wise to look at yourself just as critically during a new relationship. For instance, if you are often turned off by how little men spend on you when they take you out, perhaps it is your value system that needs a check-up rather than theirs.
Maintaining Your Self
Don’t drop everything else in your life. It is common, especially for women, to forget about themselves and take on the identity of their partners. That is the consequence of bad past relationships and lack of positive relationship role models. You can prevent losing yourself in a new relationship by keeping the things that matter to you a part of your daily life. Things like journaling, reading, exercising, and spending time with friends and family, all the things that help to keep you a healthy, balanced person, should remain high on your priority list. Make a point to enjoy the same things you normally do, even in the first weeks of a new romance.
Lowering the Bar
Keep your standards high. Don’t talk yourself into being okay with something that you aren’t. Settling is a sure way to get yourself into a miserable relationship. Do you remember the last time you said to yourself, “I should have known when they… ?” If you aren’t sure what your standard is, make a list of all the things you want in a partner. If your date doesn’t fit the bill, don’t waist your precious time.
Planning and Paying
It is a great idea to trade off date planning and date funding. Not to say that it should be a regulated arrangement of every other date or anything, but stepping away from the traditional system of men planning and paying for all dates can be a lot of fun and make it easier to get to know each other. Taking control of the rendezvous enables you to surprise them, impress them, and romance them. In addition, you can learn a lot about them by switching roles.
Alcohol Consumption
The general rule is to stay relatively sober for at least the first month of dating someone. Getting sloshy drunk anytime in those first few weeks is likely to be your kiss of death. They will undoubtedly see you at your worst and redeeming yourself from that is not an easy feat.
Meeting Friends, Family, and the Ex Ease your new love interest into your social circles. Start off by introducing them to a few select friends, particularly those who help you “screen” prospective mates. An introduction to family members, especially parents, and ex’s, even if they are still a part of your life, shouldn’t happen until you are at least approaching a month of dating. Why? Besides being a little weird and moving too fast, you want to wait because it takes a while to establish comfort levels in social situations. This will give you time to learn to recognize each other’s cues and know enough about each other that an “inner circle" situation isn’t uncomfortable.
Keeping Your Distance
Don’t overwhelm them with attention. Don’t invite yourself over more than once a week, and don’t smother them with physical affection when you are together. You may feel the urge to reach out and touch their sweet face over and over again, but refrain because it is uncomfortable. Men and women often make the mistake of jumping into “couple” behaviors like smooching, holding hands, using terms of endearment, and touching them in sexual ways too soon and scaring off their dates. I will again reiterate that getting to know someone for who they are as an individual should be the focus of a new relationship. Too often, people get caught up in the romance before realizing how little they actually know about their partner.
Skeletons
Everybody has their dirty little secrets, and it wouldn’t be good for you to go telling them to every person you date, but you might want to drop a hint here and there to test the waters. In those first couple of weeks, be as honest as you would like them to be with you. For some couples, after a few dates and things are going well, it could help to discuss the fact that you both have pasts and that you should share them later on down the road. Just make sure that when that one month mark (or comparable milestone) comes around, you let them know some of the details of the skeletons you alluded to. Otherwise, they become secrets that will surely hinder your relationship.
Friday, February 12, 2010
How long does it take to fall in love?
Here's a cautionary tale. A guy I know recently callously dumped his girlfriend of seven months, using the excuse: "I'm not in love with you." While the break-up came as a complete shock to her, he believed that he had every reason to end the union as he "didn't see the point in stringing her along any more". So then why did he string her along for so long? Why did he decide to date her, bed her and call her his "girlfriend" for a good seven months if the entire time, in the back of his mind, he knew he was going to give her the flick because he wasn't "in love" with her like he should be?
Another man said that, after dating a girl for two years (and living with her for one), he had to let her go because he knew there would never be a real future between them.
"I was dating her and she was the perfect girlfriend, but the bond between us just wasn't strong enough. Our lives and values were just too different." A pity it took him a whopping two years to notice.
Now, the ex-girlfriend from the first story has begged me to answer the question: "How long does it take to fall in love? And do women fall in love more easily than men?"
I've never really asked the question before but she definitely got me thinking. Is the time it takes to fall in love two weeks, two months, two years or even two dates? And how do you know when it's lust, infatuation or an unhealthy obsession instead of the real thing?
For some lucky people, the attraction is pretty much instant - and mutual. Take NBA basketball star Lamar Odom. After meeting reality star Khloe Kadashian and getting to know her (apparently they were camped in a hotel room for the first week after they met), he proposed after knowing her for just 10 days. The two were married after just one month.
"I finally met the one that I knew if I had lost her, it would hurt the most," Lamar told reporters. Khloe's response? "I've just never felt deserving of this kind of attention before. Every single night before I go to sleep, he tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. I know it sounds cheesy, but I've never in my life met someone who I love this much. Lamar's devotion makes me want to cry because the only other person who gave that to me was my dad."
(Just an aside: he had also lost his mother to cancer at a young age and therefore their loss seemed to bond them instantly.) While it's not exactly hard to tell a woman whom you've been sleeping with for 10 nights the things she wants to hear (and many men will do so in order to get into a woman's pants), what happens when the honeymoon period is over? What happens when days turn into months, years and then decades? Do they have enough of a foundation to stand on to allow their love to grow? And what if they find out they were never in love in the first place, but merely infatuated with one another?
Either way scientists reckon that the love-at-first-sight thing could in fact be a very real phenomenon. According to professors at the University of Pennsylvania, when it comes to picking a suitable life partner, most of us generally don't know what we want.
So in order to find out what makes us attracted to one person and not another, they studied the habits of more than 100,000 people at speed dating events to find out just how the whole attraction thing works. While the participants had three minutes to get to know one another, the researchers discovered that decisions were usually made within the first three seconds.
The other surprising thing the scientists discovered was that, when people meet face-to-face, there are different criteria they judge a potential partner on as opposed to if they were reading a profile of them online or hearing a description from a friend.
Meeting face-to-face means that things such as bank balance, the car they drive or whether or not they smoke don't seem to matter. It was more about the chemistry and conversation between the two than their material assets.
Perhaps that's why, for many, internet dating doesn't work. People finding a partner online expect an instant attraction and believe the partner will embody every quality on their must-have list. But if there is no real spark between them in the flesh, they wonder if the system has got it all wrong.
Maybe it's time to go back to old-fashioned meeting ways after all ...
So back to the question. I've always believed that it's as a psychologist friend once told me: "It took me 30 years to properly fall in love with my wife. Only now I can say with conviction: I love her."
Another man said that, after dating a girl for two years (and living with her for one), he had to let her go because he knew there would never be a real future between them.
"I was dating her and she was the perfect girlfriend, but the bond between us just wasn't strong enough. Our lives and values were just too different." A pity it took him a whopping two years to notice.
Now, the ex-girlfriend from the first story has begged me to answer the question: "How long does it take to fall in love? And do women fall in love more easily than men?"
I've never really asked the question before but she definitely got me thinking. Is the time it takes to fall in love two weeks, two months, two years or even two dates? And how do you know when it's lust, infatuation or an unhealthy obsession instead of the real thing?
For some lucky people, the attraction is pretty much instant - and mutual. Take NBA basketball star Lamar Odom. After meeting reality star Khloe Kadashian and getting to know her (apparently they were camped in a hotel room for the first week after they met), he proposed after knowing her for just 10 days. The two were married after just one month.
"I finally met the one that I knew if I had lost her, it would hurt the most," Lamar told reporters. Khloe's response? "I've just never felt deserving of this kind of attention before. Every single night before I go to sleep, he tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. I know it sounds cheesy, but I've never in my life met someone who I love this much. Lamar's devotion makes me want to cry because the only other person who gave that to me was my dad."
(Just an aside: he had also lost his mother to cancer at a young age and therefore their loss seemed to bond them instantly.) While it's not exactly hard to tell a woman whom you've been sleeping with for 10 nights the things she wants to hear (and many men will do so in order to get into a woman's pants), what happens when the honeymoon period is over? What happens when days turn into months, years and then decades? Do they have enough of a foundation to stand on to allow their love to grow? And what if they find out they were never in love in the first place, but merely infatuated with one another?
Either way scientists reckon that the love-at-first-sight thing could in fact be a very real phenomenon. According to professors at the University of Pennsylvania, when it comes to picking a suitable life partner, most of us generally don't know what we want.
So in order to find out what makes us attracted to one person and not another, they studied the habits of more than 100,000 people at speed dating events to find out just how the whole attraction thing works. While the participants had three minutes to get to know one another, the researchers discovered that decisions were usually made within the first three seconds.
The other surprising thing the scientists discovered was that, when people meet face-to-face, there are different criteria they judge a potential partner on as opposed to if they were reading a profile of them online or hearing a description from a friend.
Meeting face-to-face means that things such as bank balance, the car they drive or whether or not they smoke don't seem to matter. It was more about the chemistry and conversation between the two than their material assets.
Perhaps that's why, for many, internet dating doesn't work. People finding a partner online expect an instant attraction and believe the partner will embody every quality on their must-have list. But if there is no real spark between them in the flesh, they wonder if the system has got it all wrong.
Maybe it's time to go back to old-fashioned meeting ways after all ...
So back to the question. I've always believed that it's as a psychologist friend once told me: "It took me 30 years to properly fall in love with my wife. Only now I can say with conviction: I love her."
The newest trends in dating
Friends with benefits
In the hilarious comedy Zack and Miri Make a Porno, roommates Zack and Miri are the best of mates. Yet considering they're both broke, their water, plumbing and electricity is turned off and they're left with nothing but candlelight and canned food. After a video of Miri's underwear (taken by a teenager who spotted her bending over) makes the rounds on Youtube, Zack comes up with the perfect plan for them to make some cash: to make a porno of course. So the two hire some crew, gather some amateur stars and agree that they will star together in the film as long the sex doesn't ruin their friendship ...
No such luck.
While many friends fear that a little horizontal hanky panky will mean the kiss of death for their friendship, they do it anyway. And why not? After all, in this climate of being perpetually single and engaging in too much casual sex to keep tabs, why not simply do it with a mate? There's no awkward first date, no waiting for a follow-up phone call and you already know their history of diseases. Plus it puts an end to your days of trawling through Facebook in order to find your perfect match. "Who gives a toss if it ruins the friendship?" many surmise. "At least I'll get laid!"
So the friendship morphs from DVDs and popcorn on a Sunday night to late-night hanky panky during the week, or in your lunch break. And suddenly the perks of your best friend are outweighing those of any date you might go on. True, it stops you from meeting "the one" (as you're way to busy getting your rocks off with your mate), and yes, at one point or another, the inevitable will happen and one friend will fall in love with the other. But when the aim of the game is to satiate one's appetite right here, right now, what's not to love?
Dating a married man
Earlier this year, when Channel Ten called upon me to comment on why women date married men, the Tiger Woods saga hadn't even come to light! But it was Sienna Miller who propelled the subject into the spotlight after it was discovered she was frolicking topless on a yacht with a very married Balthazar Getty, passionately kissing him as his poor wife watched on through the tabloid coverage.
"Why do women pursue married men?" the reporter asked me as I sat in the studio ready to talk about the topic. Well, there are a number of factors, most tellingly the one that says the "other woman" is a commitment-phobe herself and therefore dating a married dude means there's never going to be pressure to commit to him. Ever. The flip side of the coin is that if she falls madly in love with the "challenge" of having to pursue a taken man, sadly she'll believe him when he says he's going to leave his wife to spend a lifetime with her.
"He's committed before," she tells herself. "Surely he won't have any trouble committing to me?"
Think again. A study was then released that was carried out by Oklahoma State University, which likened single women to certain species of "mate-poaching" birds and fish. The researchers hypothesised that single women might be more drawn to attached men because these men have been "prescreened' by other women.
They've already been preapproved by someone else, so it saves all the hard work of her having to do it all over again.The message? Coupled-up ladies, hold on to your men with all your might.
Younger men are back in vogue
First Demi Moore set the trend by nabbing a man 15 years her junior in the form of spunky actor/producer Ashton Kutcher. Then a slew of stars followed suit, the younger-man-buzz finally reaching a 50-year-old Madonna who began dating 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz. While the world gawked and gaped at the sight of this awry love affair, my girlfriend S has recently nabbed herself a much younger man and says things couldn't get any better.
"He's a demon in the sack, doesn't pressure me for commitment and buys me flowers because he feels like it. What more could a girl want?" Of course he does still live at home with him mum, and drives a scooter ...
The rise of "Heavage" (male cleavage)
Yep, of all the strange man-trends this year, the one that caught my eye was something that I'm still in two minds about. I'm talking about "heavage", a male trend that The New York Times describes as a "dubious portmanteau for male cleavage - an exposed (and often buffed) chest".
While I often lament that deep V-neck Ts showing a little too much chest hair for comfort sit top of the list of fashion faux pas, if the 2009 fashion runways are anything to go by (and personally I don't think they are), then male décolletage is all the rage.
But gents, don't think that you can sport any old sort of '70s-style carpet hair peaking through your unbuttoned designer shirt. Oh no. Chests nowadays need to be waxed, oiled, preened and buffed to perfection.
Then there's the question of how much he-vage a man should sport. While the notion is still under debate, I think I share many a female's sentiment when I say that perhaps man-cleavage is best left out of the club and for the bedroom only ...
In the hilarious comedy Zack and Miri Make a Porno, roommates Zack and Miri are the best of mates. Yet considering they're both broke, their water, plumbing and electricity is turned off and they're left with nothing but candlelight and canned food. After a video of Miri's underwear (taken by a teenager who spotted her bending over) makes the rounds on Youtube, Zack comes up with the perfect plan for them to make some cash: to make a porno of course. So the two hire some crew, gather some amateur stars and agree that they will star together in the film as long the sex doesn't ruin their friendship ...
No such luck.
While many friends fear that a little horizontal hanky panky will mean the kiss of death for their friendship, they do it anyway. And why not? After all, in this climate of being perpetually single and engaging in too much casual sex to keep tabs, why not simply do it with a mate? There's no awkward first date, no waiting for a follow-up phone call and you already know their history of diseases. Plus it puts an end to your days of trawling through Facebook in order to find your perfect match. "Who gives a toss if it ruins the friendship?" many surmise. "At least I'll get laid!"
So the friendship morphs from DVDs and popcorn on a Sunday night to late-night hanky panky during the week, or in your lunch break. And suddenly the perks of your best friend are outweighing those of any date you might go on. True, it stops you from meeting "the one" (as you're way to busy getting your rocks off with your mate), and yes, at one point or another, the inevitable will happen and one friend will fall in love with the other. But when the aim of the game is to satiate one's appetite right here, right now, what's not to love?
Dating a married man
Earlier this year, when Channel Ten called upon me to comment on why women date married men, the Tiger Woods saga hadn't even come to light! But it was Sienna Miller who propelled the subject into the spotlight after it was discovered she was frolicking topless on a yacht with a very married Balthazar Getty, passionately kissing him as his poor wife watched on through the tabloid coverage.
"Why do women pursue married men?" the reporter asked me as I sat in the studio ready to talk about the topic. Well, there are a number of factors, most tellingly the one that says the "other woman" is a commitment-phobe herself and therefore dating a married dude means there's never going to be pressure to commit to him. Ever. The flip side of the coin is that if she falls madly in love with the "challenge" of having to pursue a taken man, sadly she'll believe him when he says he's going to leave his wife to spend a lifetime with her.
"He's committed before," she tells herself. "Surely he won't have any trouble committing to me?"
Think again. A study was then released that was carried out by Oklahoma State University, which likened single women to certain species of "mate-poaching" birds and fish. The researchers hypothesised that single women might be more drawn to attached men because these men have been "prescreened' by other women.
They've already been preapproved by someone else, so it saves all the hard work of her having to do it all over again.The message? Coupled-up ladies, hold on to your men with all your might.
Younger men are back in vogue
First Demi Moore set the trend by nabbing a man 15 years her junior in the form of spunky actor/producer Ashton Kutcher. Then a slew of stars followed suit, the younger-man-buzz finally reaching a 50-year-old Madonna who began dating 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz. While the world gawked and gaped at the sight of this awry love affair, my girlfriend S has recently nabbed herself a much younger man and says things couldn't get any better.
"He's a demon in the sack, doesn't pressure me for commitment and buys me flowers because he feels like it. What more could a girl want?" Of course he does still live at home with him mum, and drives a scooter ...
The rise of "Heavage" (male cleavage)
Yep, of all the strange man-trends this year, the one that caught my eye was something that I'm still in two minds about. I'm talking about "heavage", a male trend that The New York Times describes as a "dubious portmanteau for male cleavage - an exposed (and often buffed) chest".
While I often lament that deep V-neck Ts showing a little too much chest hair for comfort sit top of the list of fashion faux pas, if the 2009 fashion runways are anything to go by (and personally I don't think they are), then male décolletage is all the rage.
But gents, don't think that you can sport any old sort of '70s-style carpet hair peaking through your unbuttoned designer shirt. Oh no. Chests nowadays need to be waxed, oiled, preened and buffed to perfection.
Then there's the question of how much he-vage a man should sport. While the notion is still under debate, I think I share many a female's sentiment when I say that perhaps man-cleavage is best left out of the club and for the bedroom only ...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Ways to marry the wrong person
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
- chemistry and compatibility
- share common interests
- share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship
The Agony and The Ecstasy... of long distance relationships. So rarely does one cliche so succinctly sum up something. Those of us who've tried can all attest: it's haaaaaard.
There are different kinds of relationships across the miles and they require different things.
Some start out that way, such as when you meet Mr. Wonderful at your friend's wedding in Wisconsin -- and you live in Biloxi. Or, perhaps the Mr. Wonderful you've been dating for five months in Biloxi gets sent to Chicago for a six-month assignment. Or, worse yet, his dream job moves there permanently and you don't want to choose between your own dream job (still in Biloxi) and your dreamy boyfriend.
The differences between the three are vast. You and Wedding Wonderboy are getting to know one another across the miles, while the relocations take away a known quantity.
Building a new relationship is a whole lot harder than maintaining an existing one. The easiest one to weather is the temporary shift – if you're committed to the relationship, you just have to figure out a way to survive six difficult months. But even that isn't easy.
DEFINE YOUR TERMS
You can ease a lot of long-term discomfort and confusion by defining your expectations in advance.
For instance, unless you're looking for a casual, non-exclusive relationship, at some point, one of you is going to have to move. That can add a whole lot of stress to your already strained couplehood. So, from the beginning, set out a game plan.
Are you evaluating whether one of you will move, and if so, does that mean marriage? Or are you just trying to maintain the relationship as it stands now, perhaps in a different place?
Recognize that you can't compare a long-distance relationship to one based on physical proximity. But you may be surprised how much a relationship can grow – if you work at it. Late-night talks and thoughtful letters can convey a lot of what is most important in the long-term: your goals, values and dreams.
But simple companionship and connectedness is often the meat and bones of a relationship -- and you still have to prepare yourself for the absence of his or her warmth, smile and all the wonders of non-verbal communication.
When a boyfriend and I were separated for three months, I drove him absolutely crazy because I needed -- non-negotiably -- to talk to him each day.
We discovered this when somehow we skipped two planned phone calls and I completely freaked out. I felt millions of miles away from him (really, it was only 9,000), unloved, uncared for, forgotten... and I was sure he'd been hit by a bus and that's why he couldn't get to the phone.
Definitely one of my finer, rational moments.
What had actually happened was that the nine-hour time difference got in the way. He was in Israel and I was in the States and he somehow thought that calling at 3 a.m. was inappropriate.
Call me foolish.
Remember this: missing a day (36 hours in my case) does not indicate relationshipial jeopardy. If a phone call gets missed or an e-mail doesn't arrive, do not assume that your darling has run off with the cleaning lady or been hijacked.
Discuss your communication needs and limits. It's likely that one partner will need more communication more than the other. Be prepared to be flexible.
If you want more contact than your partner, try to be less demanding. If you need less, try to be a little more communicative than you might tend to be. Meet in the middle.
For instance, if he wants to talk daily and you don't, perhaps you can commit to sending a one-line loving e-mail each day, just so he knows you're thinking of him.
BRANCH OUT FROM THE PHONE TREE
E-mail is a wonderful invention for separated loved ones and is particularly useful in helping to avoid transferring your IRA directly to AT&T.
On the other hand, be careful about relying on e-mail to resolve conflicts.
The problem here is that e-mail feels as casual as a phone call, but it's permanent. The words are there in black and white. Tone, intentions and content can all be easily misconstrued.
Just remember: this is a note, not a Talmudic passage to be read and re-read for every hidden nuance, message and subtext. (Being overly analytical can be a real burden here.) If you have an issue to resolve, try to do it over the phone or in person.
You even have other options.
To cut down phone costs, try calling your Beloved One when you know he or she won't be in -- and leave a "thinking of you" message on voice mail.
Before Alexander Graham Bell ever was born, people kept in long-distant contact by writing words on a piece of paper, which they then placed into an envelope, affixed a postage stamp (in those days, you had to lick them), and then mailed through the post office. These were called "letters."
You can also send care packages and little gifts, or peruse the selection of sicky sweet cards at your local Hallmark store.
SHARE THE BURDEN
However you do it, be conscious of the costs involved and try to apportion them in a fair manner. It can cause resentment if one of you foots the bill for everything.
That's a doubly sticky situation since it leaves the big spender somewhat in control of the relationship.
With visits, alternate who visits whom and consider meeting in the middle on occasion.
Remember this: if you can't openly discuss your feelings about how you're spending money, you'll have a hard time building a long-term relationship with this person. Keep in mind that the tensions that arise now are opportunities to strengthen your relationship for the future.
MAKE THE MOST OF TIME TOGETHER
When you are together, expect pressure (whether it's because you have issues to discuss or not). Don't spend so much time agonizing over and planning out your time in concert that you forget to enjoy it. Every moment does not have to be perfect or perfectly scheduled.
Conversely, understand that the perfection of weekend getaways likely won't continue once a normal relationship is possible.
Ultimately, a normal relationship is the goal. And using some of these tools will stop "separation pressures" that might prevent you from getting there.
Steps to Harmonious Relationships
Searching for a marriage partner is often a daunting process, full of difficult and painful experiences.
Many singles create shopping lists with all the qualities they believe their true soul mates must have. They make their candidates jump through hoops as they search for the one that will make them happy. This screening does not guarantee a good marriage. All these check lists only make finding a mate harder, for who can possibly meet all the criteria? And when a candidate is found lacking according to the list, a real Soulmate can be turned away.
What ensures a good, happy marriage? Experience and research reveals that the most important elements in a successful marriage are good character traits and communication skills. This succinct list describes the essential qualities that are so vital to nurture in oneself and to recognize in others.
Step 1. Be Understanding
Understand with empathy. Listen attentively, with compassion. Ask clarifying and open-ended questions to fully understand and to show your interest. Communicate your understanding with "active listening" and by responding in a non-critical and non-defensive way.
Step 2. Be Respectful
Honor each person by showing positive regard and respect. Relate to the essential goodness of each person, even when it is hidden. Recognize their great potential. Show them that you know how precious and valuable they are by expressing respect and appreciation.
Step 3. Be Sincere
Be genuine. Be really present with authentic and sincere interest. Share your best self, your highest feelings, your soulful connection, your caring and desire to help.
Step 4. Be Exemplary
Teach by example. Be a living example of what you want to teach. Inspire others with your positive attitude, joyful feelings and actions. Be a good role model.
Step 5. Be Clear
Communicate well. Speak their language, verbal and non-verbal, to build rapport, comfort and trust. For good communication, speak in ways that allows them to understand you, and in ways, such as by accurately summarizing and reflecting what they have said, so that they feel heard and understood.
Step 6. Be Encouraging
Praise other people's positive attributes and express admiration and appreciation for their talents, qualities, accomplishments, values and courage. Validate their feelings and normalize their reactions. Acknowledge and endorse their positive aspirations such as their desire to learn and grow.
Step 7. Be Supportive
Support and assist sensitively and compassionately with information, referrals, contacts, endorsements, backing, coaching, mentoring, teaching and training.
Step 8. Be Empowering
Empower others by supporting them in making their own decisions. Gently offer guidance in clarifying goals, considering consequences and choosing accomplishable steps. Their successes will increase their self-respect, confidence, sense of responsibility and empowerment.
Step 9. Be Prayerful & Optimistic
Optimistically trust in the essential goodness and growth of others .Visualize a harmonious relationship, seeing the other blessed in light and love, protected and growing. Prayers, blessings, affirmations and visualizations are powerful forces, benefiting everyone!
Step 10. Be Grateful & Gracious
Express your gratitude. Show your appreciation. Be specific with your thanks and gratitude in a timely fashion. Be grateful and acknowledge what others mean to you. Showing gratitude works wonders. Be gracious and find grace in the eyes of the Creator and of Mankind.
Step 11. Be Kind & Caring
Being kind and caring is our true calling, our soul's divine nature. The benevolent giving of ourselves, with kind gestures, caring attitudes, and actions, is a blessing and healing for those we give to, and are a blessing and healing for ourselves.
Step 12. Be A Good Friend
A good friend allows us to give, as well as to receive and feel appreciated. Even when friends are not equally capable, each has something to give the other. Creating opportunities for the other to give and gratefully receiving their gifts are the acts of a good friend.
Step 13. Be Loving
To love is to give unselfishly. God created us with love and He instructed us to love Him and His creation. Love is our soul's calling. Our destiny is to be loving, emulating the qualities of God. Love is nurturing & healing, stimulating emotional, spiritual physical growth & development.
Many singles create shopping lists with all the qualities they believe their true soul mates must have. They make their candidates jump through hoops as they search for the one that will make them happy. This screening does not guarantee a good marriage. All these check lists only make finding a mate harder, for who can possibly meet all the criteria? And when a candidate is found lacking according to the list, a real Soulmate can be turned away.
What ensures a good, happy marriage? Experience and research reveals that the most important elements in a successful marriage are good character traits and communication skills. This succinct list describes the essential qualities that are so vital to nurture in oneself and to recognize in others.
Step 1. Be Understanding
Understand with empathy. Listen attentively, with compassion. Ask clarifying and open-ended questions to fully understand and to show your interest. Communicate your understanding with "active listening" and by responding in a non-critical and non-defensive way.
Step 2. Be Respectful
Honor each person by showing positive regard and respect. Relate to the essential goodness of each person, even when it is hidden. Recognize their great potential. Show them that you know how precious and valuable they are by expressing respect and appreciation.
Step 3. Be Sincere
Be genuine. Be really present with authentic and sincere interest. Share your best self, your highest feelings, your soulful connection, your caring and desire to help.
Step 4. Be Exemplary
Teach by example. Be a living example of what you want to teach. Inspire others with your positive attitude, joyful feelings and actions. Be a good role model.
Step 5. Be Clear
Communicate well. Speak their language, verbal and non-verbal, to build rapport, comfort and trust. For good communication, speak in ways that allows them to understand you, and in ways, such as by accurately summarizing and reflecting what they have said, so that they feel heard and understood.
Step 6. Be Encouraging
Praise other people's positive attributes and express admiration and appreciation for their talents, qualities, accomplishments, values and courage. Validate their feelings and normalize their reactions. Acknowledge and endorse their positive aspirations such as their desire to learn and grow.
Step 7. Be Supportive
Support and assist sensitively and compassionately with information, referrals, contacts, endorsements, backing, coaching, mentoring, teaching and training.
Step 8. Be Empowering
Empower others by supporting them in making their own decisions. Gently offer guidance in clarifying goals, considering consequences and choosing accomplishable steps. Their successes will increase their self-respect, confidence, sense of responsibility and empowerment.
Step 9. Be Prayerful & Optimistic
Optimistically trust in the essential goodness and growth of others .Visualize a harmonious relationship, seeing the other blessed in light and love, protected and growing. Prayers, blessings, affirmations and visualizations are powerful forces, benefiting everyone!
Step 10. Be Grateful & Gracious
Express your gratitude. Show your appreciation. Be specific with your thanks and gratitude in a timely fashion. Be grateful and acknowledge what others mean to you. Showing gratitude works wonders. Be gracious and find grace in the eyes of the Creator and of Mankind.
Step 11. Be Kind & Caring
Being kind and caring is our true calling, our soul's divine nature. The benevolent giving of ourselves, with kind gestures, caring attitudes, and actions, is a blessing and healing for those we give to, and are a blessing and healing for ourselves.
Step 12. Be A Good Friend
A good friend allows us to give, as well as to receive and feel appreciated. Even when friends are not equally capable, each has something to give the other. Creating opportunities for the other to give and gratefully receiving their gifts are the acts of a good friend.
Step 13. Be Loving
To love is to give unselfishly. God created us with love and He instructed us to love Him and His creation. Love is our soul's calling. Our destiny is to be loving, emulating the qualities of God. Love is nurturing & healing, stimulating emotional, spiritual physical growth & development.
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