With Valentine's Day out of the way, you can bet your box of condoms that many people out there will be contemplating a break-up before the next sappy holiday rears its ugly head. In an indolent attempt to ease the dumping process, many have asked if it's ever OK to use the line, "It's not you, it's me", a cop-out if I've ever heard one. Others are of the school of thought that honesty is the best policy and usually, that entails telling your soon-to-be-ex that it's really them, and not you, who's the real problem.
So, if you're vacillating between wanting to dump your current beau and not wanting to let go of what you already have, (after all, there is a supposed "man drought" situation at hand), I've cobbled together a list of things that may (or may not) help ease the process and explain when it's not you, but definitely they, who is messing things up ...
They are insensitive to your feelings
There are many people out there who love to be the centre of attention. We all know these types, laugh at their jokes and feel a sense of electricity whenever they enter a room. But dating them is a whole different ball game.
"My ex-partner always wanted to be the comedian," one reader confided to me. "So he'd say these things to me that would just make me feel like shit. And if I didn't laugh back, he'd say that I was too sensitive and took things to heart, which were just meant to be jokes. In the end, I just had enough of his jibes."
Constant selfish behaviour
When your partner constantly puts their needs before yours, things can quickly morph from loveydoveydom to splitzville. True, drinking with their pals beats going to dinner with your folks; staying in to watch The Mentalist wins over escorting you to your annual office drinks; and leaving dirty socks around the house beats having to fold them up - or worse - putting them in the washing machine. But when it comes to respecting you and the relationship, selfish behaviour just doesn't fly. Relationships are all about making the other person feel wanted, special and a priority, which often means doing stuff they don't want to do.
Double standards
I know a couple. The female thinks it's OK to have as many male friends as her heart desires, but the minute her boyfriend even thinks about speaking to another girl, let alone sharing a coffee with someone other than his girlfriend, she does everything in her power to prevent it from happening. And he's sick of the double standards.
Of course I've seen the coin from both sides. There are those people who are OK with their partners having intimate dinners, interludes and lunches with the opposite sex; and there are others who won't hear a bar of it. The key is to avoid double standards and to make sure that you're both on the same page before things get out of hand. (Unnecessary Facebook flirting with someone other than your partner, is included. If you can do it, so can they!)
Not supporting your goals
You're on a diet; they're not. You're trying to stick to FebFast (no alcohol in the month of February); they're bringing bottles of wine over to your place. You're trying to quit smoking; they're puffing up a storm in the living room. You're trying to enhance your career; they're pulling you back. Relationships are meant to inspire, support and encourage, no matter how ridiculous your goals might be. Constantly putting you down means they're just not on your wavelength, let alone in your zip code.
They're stingy
It's not about spending money, it's about spending time together. And if they're constantly complaining that they are having to fork out their hard-earned dough to take you out to dinner, the movies or to bring over takeaways for a night in, well then there's something deeper going on. And it's got nothing to do with the GFC. I've known the poorest of gents saving every dollar to create a romantic picnic for the one he loves. Women are simple creatures when it comes to gifts. And often, as much as we hate to admit it, it really is the thought, and the little bit of generosity, that counts.
Reasons to stay because it's clearly you, not them
Often I'll hear people complain about the above "injustices" in their relationships and the fact that they can do "sooo much better" than their current partner because they're just not feeling it. But sometimes our expectations can simply be a little too high. Sometimes our egos can be a little too inflated and we'll look across to our friend who has been dating a man for three months and they've already moved in together and she's got a sparkler on her finger and we'll think, "Why can't that be me? Am I with the wrong person?"
While many don't think there's such a thing as having expectations that are too high and that respecting yourself means not settling for less, sometimes I'm just not so sure if it really is them, and not you, that's the issue ....
No comments:
Post a Comment