Last week we ran one of our favourite debates: deciding what makes a "good wife".
Sentiments ran wild from "don't be a bitch and stop being a control freak" to "do not emasculate your husband" and "don't be a Westinghouse", which in reader Phil's words translates to this: "It's when the wife turns into a fridge and there's no sex or love any more. When that happens, for whatever reason, then plainly and very, very simply, the man will look elsewhere."
Of course the axiom came up (as it usually does on this forum), that in reality all men want is something quite simple: "a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the house and a whore in the bedroom". Who would have thought?
As with most Ask Sam topics, the question quickly got flipped: "So what then makes a good husband?" many women asked. "I'm sure the women will have lengthy lists!" replied the men. And no doubt we will ...
Which brings us to the question of the day: what indeed does make a good husband? Is he one who stays at home and helps around the house? Or is he someone who works long hours and brings home the bacon but has little time to do the dishes, watch TV or listen to our problems?
The question reminded me of a story I read by New York Times writer Maureen Dowd, who once dared to ask the question, "Are Men Necessary?" in her book of the same title. (Yes, her book was received with a swell of negative press, angry men and a gaggle of applauding feminists.)
In a story on the merit of good husbands, she cites the thoughts of Father Pat Connor - a 79-year-old priest, who apparently has the keys to unlocking the secrets for women on how to pick the ideal man. And apparently "falling in love" isn't a good enough reason. "Infatuation trumps judgment," he tells Dowd.
Which would make sense to me considering the number of women I hear from who seem to have mightily clouded judgment when it comes to sticking with men who are clearly not worth the amount of breath they expend on talking about the problems they encounter with those men.
Yet says Connor, picking the "ideal husband" is easy, as long as he ticks just a few of the main boxes ...
* He must have friends. Apparently a man with no friends "will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands". While I've yet to date a man without mates, a girlfriend of mine is marrying one such sort and says it's rather brilliant. "I never have to go to any awkward dinners or weddings of people I don't even know. Plus I have him all to myself on weekends." Hm. Sounds charming.
* He must be good with money. If you're thrifty and he's on his 10th credit card, you're bound to run into problems soon enough. But what if he's too good with money and watches every dime you spend while forcing you to take back that brand new pair of heels you bought even though they were on sale? Now that's no fun either, is it?
* He must not be a doormat. True, it gets a little boring dating a "yes" man, but, with so many arguments that come with the marriage territory, sometimes I think it would be rather nice to have someone who is in constant agreement with you over everything from furniture choices to holiday destinations.
* He should not be too attached to his mother. Says Connor: "I've known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!" Ouch.
* He must have a sense of humour.
* He must not be an addict. Apparently we can never change a man, including shifting his bad habits, if Connor's theories are anything to by. Who would have thought?
* He must have a good attitude towards women. Look at his family to see how they interact to gauge whether they have similar values to yours. So what's left? Connor admits that, after his talk, the women cry out that there'll be no one left to marry. "Life is unfair," he responds. Indeed it is ...
What do you think?
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