Quick question for the ladies: Has feminism f---ed up your love life?
If we are to go by a recent study titled The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness, then it would seem that feminism is the reason women have become steadily unhappier since 1972. And if women such as Tyra Banks, author Lori Gottlieb and my friend Jay are anything to go by, then indeed the F word has created more problems for our romantic lives than the rise of internet porn.
I noticed this the other day, as I knocked back sushi with Jay, my perennially single 30-something girlfriend, as I became privy to yet another complaint by her about another man who seemingly did not live up to her expectations of what a "boyfriend" should be.
She'd been dating the dude in question for a couple of months, and yet, despite the fact that he didn't have a criminal record, a psycho ex-girlfriend or a drug habit, he nevertheless just didn't seem to make the cut when it came to primo boyfriend material. Why? I had no bloody idea ...
Her answer? "I'm a feminist - I believe in equal rights for men and women." She continued to explain that the problem with her bloke was that something had gone a tad awry. She'd been paying for all his drinks. And his movie tickets. And his dinner.
"That's not equal. I'm better off single," she said. Somehow I didn't believe her. I get it. We all get it. It's cool to be single. Yet despite the saying that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle", why is it that every conversation I have with women of all ages, whether it be over cappuccinos or caprioskas, always comes down to one thing: men?
"Why hasn't he called?" "Why is he not behaving like a boyfriend should behave?" "Why there are no decent men in this town?" Why? Why? Why? Which brings me to Gottlieb's latest book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough. While the title, in all fairness to Gottlieb, is a brilliant marketing ploy, it's also a major point of contention for feminists and independent girls alike.
"Why does every girl have to aspire to get married?" they ask. "What kind of crap is this woman peddling?" they wonder. And most tellingly, "But I've waited this long already; surely I can wait a little while longer?"
Oh, and lets not overlook the fact that one of Gottlieb's chapters is aptly titled, "How Feminism F---ed Up My Love Life". Yep, the feminists aren't happy.
But perhaps Gottlieb has a point. She explains that, if it wasn't for feminism, she wouldn't be in this 40-and-single predicament that she's struggling with. And if it weren't for feminism, she'd never have to contemplate "settling" in the first place because she'd already be married.
"Here's what actually happened," she writes. "Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that, in real life, you can't get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only. Which is exactly how many of us empowered ourselves out of a good mate."
Bianca Dye, a prominent radio presenter, author of Playing Hard To Get and self-proclaimed feminist, agrees with Gottlieb. She says that feminism has indeed f---ed up her love life. And she says that it's not only she who has felt feminism's wrath.
"The main issue for our relationships is that we want it both ways," she explains. "We want to be feminists in every other aspect of our lives except for our relationships. So I don't blame men for being confused. I know many hard-core feminists who, despite their ideals, still want the door to be opened and still want to a man to cook her dinner once in a while when she's had a hard day. I do pay my own bills but I still do want a man to take care of me when I have a migraine and occasionally smother me with love and attention. Just because I'm a feminist and I want equal pay, doesn't mean I don't want my boyfriend to do these things. And I don't see why we have to make a choice."
Dye, who is about to turn 37, says Gottlieb's book has been mightily confronting.
"The options for me are dwindling. I want to meet someone and have a baby because I don't want to miss the boat. But the guys who are my age want to date younger women. It's a depressing wake-up call."
She also says that the reason there are more single women out there hankering on for Mr Right is that we are symptomatic of the Oprah generation.
"We live by the motto, 'Don't you settle girlfriend - Mr Perfect is out there!' But that's just bullshit. I know that there is someone out there for me who is amazing, but who is a seven out of 10 - and that is just fine. As long as he doesn't do drugs, wants to have kids, is honest, romantic and a good human being - then I am open to anything outside of that. All the talk about men having to have a certain amount of money, someone who reads the same books as we do, who lives in a certain suburb etc - dream on sister."
Chivalry
The blokes aren't too happy about all feminism hoo-hah either. Not because women are standing their ground, but because many believe that women aren't allowing them to be "men" any longer. Take Justin, a single 20-something who says that feminism has confused him and, in turn, flipped the whole notion of chivalry on its proverbial head.
"I don't think chivalry will ever be dead, but it is definitely less prevalent than it was in the old days," he says. "And that is probably due to modern women wanting to be self-sufficient in more ways, which I support too. When you get those few women who, when you do open the door and they say 'I can do it myself', that doesn't help either. Because men want to be able to feel like men."
Single man Clyde concurs and says the reason fewer men are able to feel like men these days is that women are taking on a more masculine role. "They present themselves as 'one of the boys' in certain social situations, which makes it seem inappropriate at times to treat them with chivalry."
While he admits that this is not true of all women, he says: "It's just not clear whether or not a guy needs to or can win with all women at all times by being chivalrous." My theory? Women need to make it clear. Clear that, despite the fact they have a good job, earn lots of money and drive a nice car, they still need a man. And in order to show that, they need to be not so in-your-face independent.
"But why should I compromise who I really am?" asks my friend Jay. I tell her that she doesn't have to - but, if she doesn't want to be alone, then she either has to tone it the hell down, or find a man so confident in his own skin that he isn't threatened by his successful partner, no matter how independent she is ...
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