One of my favourite dating books is titled Manslations: Decoding the Secret Language of Men. The premise of the book is simple. Men use cryptic language when telling us how they feel (or so us women think), hence we spend many wasted, painful hours trying to decipher what their text messages, words, gestures, sentences, kisses and those xxs at the end of their emails really mean. (Of course most of the time the men are being pretty straightforward, but what would women do if not spend hours attempting to crack the strange language of lads?)
Manslations is based on comedian Jeff Mac's website which was set up to help forlorn women translate their man's cryptic words. Yet, despite his best attempts, it seems many women are still mightily perplexed as to what certain phrases that men say really mean. So to help women everywhere better understand the male in their life, here are my explanations ...
"We're just casual"
Translated: "We're just shag buddies, and I might have a few others besides you."
Sadly your hot Lothario is trying to say that the two of you are simply hanging out together (generally after hours) for the purpose of having hot casual sex without conversation, dinner dates or strings attached. Oh, and don't expect that you're the only person he's bonking either. He is probably indeed seeing other people on the side and just wants to make it clear that you're not someone too special. Or at least not yet.
Alternatively he is simply a commitment-phobe who is never going to have something other than a "casual" union with anyone, especially with you. As Steve Harvey, the author of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man says, there are two types of men. "You've got sports fishermen, and you've got guys out there fishing to eat. You've got guys that are fishing to keep the fish, and you've got guys that are fishing to catch them, unhook them and throw them back ... You've got to determine along the way which one of the fish you're going to be."
"Let's take things slow"
Translation: "I'm surveying my options."
He's not exactly sure if he likes you yet so he's making it clear: you don't see each other every day, you don't accompany each other to family soirees and you don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. He surmises that, by telling you he's taking things slowly, it will give him some time to get to know if he's sure about you, and give him the opportunity to make sure that the grass isn't greener in someone else's pants.
"I'm just not ready to commit to anyone right now"
Translation: "I'm just not ready to commit to YOU right now."
You'd be surprised that these sorts will give you every excuse in the book as to why they don't want to commit to you just yet. The truth is that I've seen this sad scenario played out all too often: the minute they meet someone else, there'll be a ring on their finger quicker than they can say "I do".
"I need space"
Translation: "I need space from YOU."
You're being too clingy, too pushy, have pegged too many expectations on your poor date and he's feeling suffocated, pressured and stifled. Alternatively, he's met someone else and "needing space" is the best damn excuse he can muster.
"We're on a break"
Translation: "I'm allowed to be with other people without you getting angry at me."
Yep, he's given himself a free pass to bonk whomever he wants and there's nothing that you can do about it. Other than hope that by giving him enough space (meaning no phone calls, texts, emails or late-night nookie), he'll realise that you're the real catch and will come running back before too much damage is done.
"My phone broke down / I lost my phone / I dropped it down the toilet ... that's why I didn't call."
Translation: "I was with someone else / taking a nap / having a threesome / simply forgot about you."
I've heard every excuse in the book and after questioning the blokes, I've discovered that there's a simple explanation to every one of them: they're too busy ... with someone else. One time a man said his phone had died, only to confess later that he'd met two women and had taken both of them home with him. Another claimed he'd lost his phone and didn't have access to email. He was really rendezvousing with someone else. Enough said.
"I've got viral conjunctivitis. I have to cancel the date."
Translation: "I don't feel like seeing you tonight. Or ever."
The other day a man told me a tale. A woman had taken his number, sent him a text asking him out on a date and reluctantly (after three more texts from her) he'd agreed. On the day of the date he got cold feet and so he'd sent her a text telling her he was sick. With viral conjunctivitis.
"The weirder the sickness, the more of a lie it is," he later told me. "Men make up the most comical things when trying to get out of dates. We're terrible liars."
"I want to be exclusive"
Translation: "You're the one I want."
Finally he's caught the fish that he wants to eat, and you've been fed the line that you've been waiting to hear. He wants to be with you, with no one else but you. Just make sure you don't move into his abode without the ring ...
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