Stringer was no stranger

Can you be a dating expert when you are in a long-term relationship? Well, I didn't plan to become a one-woman scientific study but it looks like my life is ripe to go under the microscope.

After many years of being in an on-off situation, I'm single again.

Deep down, I'd probably known that he wasn't the one, or at least I wasn't the one for him,I guess I had just assumed that one day we'd make the leap and vow to be together in sickness and in health.

What went wrong? Two years ago we agreed to get an apartment together. Just the two of us, and I thought I went above and beyond in playing the role of good girlfriend – I even poured the beers when the boys came over for Friday night footy. Hadn't I proved I'd be the perfect wife?

But perhaps that was the problem. I simply thought the decision was in his hands and that he'd do something about it when he was ready. No such luck.

After we called it quits, I picked up a book that had long been staring back at me from my bookshelf. Titled Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others by Dr John T. Molloy, the book is a summary of a scientific study carried out by the author in an attempt to discover the differences between those couples walking out of the wedding registry and those walking out on each other.

Molloy cites myriad reasons that some people never get married, such as not hanging out with other singles, not making the effort to go out to singles' mixers, not dressing enough like a "wife" and expecting bachelor-for-life types to morph miraculously into doting hubbies. He also says a lot of it has to do with the type of men whom women date. One of the most dangerous? "The stringer".

Molloy defines a stringer as a man who loves to have a woman around to eat with, sleep with and share his life with, but, while he likes having her around full time, he never has any intention of truly committing to her.

The problem with dating a stringer is that many of us dismiss the fact that he might be a stringer until it's too darn late. By then, we're already heartbroken, jaded and back in the singles' world with a wall of fear around us so thick no guy could ever get through.

Molloy's tactic for dealing with stringers before it's too late? Give yourself a six-month deadline.

"If he doesn't commit to you within six months, get rid of him."

You are also to pay no attention to his excuses nor when he tells you "it's too soon to discuss", that he doesn't know whether or not he likes you or he hasn't decided what he feels about you.

"He is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don't fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind."

For many women, it's not that easy. Kids are involved and the fear of loneliness sets in and you're stuck with a stringer, hoping and praying you can be that special somebody who can make him commit.

Take Hollywood stringers Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp or Matthew McConaughey (whose motto for life is "Just Keep Livin' " - preferably without a ring on his finger), who are all ensconced in long-term relationships without any sign of taking the next step.

I imagine Molloy would love to get his hands on their women and tell them that they need to set a deadline. And that, if their man hasn't committed by the time it's up, his time should be up too and they should move on.

I wonder how his advice would truly go down with men like these who can have the pick of the female crop. Or with any man, for that matter. Books such as The Rules will tell you never to bring up commitment - unless your aim is to scare him away faster than a flying bouquet. And, according to a poll I conducted, most Australian men would never respond to an ultimatum, so women should just forget about the whole idea of giving them one.

Yet many women who've walked down the aisle tell me they never would have got into a white dress if they hadn't laid down an ultimatum to prevent a man from stringing them on for all eternity. So what's going on?

The other day, I interviewed a woman who recently got engaged after six years of being in a relationship. She explained that, after five years, her parents sat her boyfriend down and asked him what his intentions with their daughter were.

"Do you want to marry her, or not?" they said. He proposed six months later.

So was I dating a stringer? Of course it's easier to accept it all if you can blame the downfall of the relationship on his lack of commitment. But could it be that it was really me who was the stringer? I mean, I did want the whole white wedding and diamond ring and to spend the rest of my life with that one man … didn't I?

But before we accept Molloy's words of wisdom, perhaps we need to spend a bit more time on ourselves. Do we want to get hitched to him? Or do we just want to get hitched?

So if you're sure he's the one, perhaps you should listen to Molloy and set the clock ticking. He might run for the hills, but at least it clears out the weeds.