The Ex-Factor

It's so much easier to look backwards than move forwards. Take Sienna Miller for example. After everything that had happened, she went back to her ex-boyfriend Jude Law. After a roller-coaster ride on the dating scene, no wonder she decided that getting back together with a lying, cheating cad of a playboy was a better option than dating blokes who are still married, have more baggage than Victoria Beckham on a long-haul flight, or, maybe, being alone.

It's part of the classic break-up cycle and this is how it goes: you date, you dump (or get dumped), you cry, you hate, you stalk, you pick yourself up and attempt to move on. You party like it's 1999 and then wake up one day and realise that you haven't moved on at all. Single life becomes about as appealing as chewing your own toenails and then you enter the next break-up phase: the I-want-my-ex-back stage. You start to wonder if they really were the best you're ever going to get. As they say, better the devil you know.

At first, dating a long-time-ago ex sounds rather appealing. After all, you dated them once before, so what's the harm in giving it another go? Forget about why you dumped them the first time around - perhaps they've changed. Maybe they've matured. Perhaps they've ditched their drinking/smoking/commitment-phobic behaviour and have morphed into the perfect, doting, ring-buying boyfriend! Yes. It's bound to work.

But is rekindling an old flame just falling into the same pattern all over again? Is it defeating the whole purpose of learning from your past relationship, making new mistakes and then moving forward?

Being single again I decided to do an audit of my exes to see if there was something I had missed the first time around. Ex hunting is probably a sport best practised anonymously. Ask friends of friends to scope out their relationship status, stalk their Facebook pages for any signs of a wedding photos and corner them at the supermarket while casually mentioning your name and the fact that you're newly single.

I decided to take the direct approach. One told me he's happily in a relationship with his girlfriend and one suggests a booty call. "For old time's sake," he says with a wink.

What was I looking for? What was I thinking!

What I quickly discovered was that, while the sparks have all but evaporated, the suggestion that all the good ones are married, taken or gay is just not true. The good ones are still around. They just haven't found someone who rocks their world quite yet.

What I learnt about myself from the ex-hunting experience was perfectly articulated (for once) by The Hills reality star Heidi Montag who recently exclaimed about her soon-to-be-ex hubby (or so we hope!) Spencer Pratt: "Who am I without him?"

I too have felt lost without a man by my side. But a disappointing outcome in my ex-hunting expedition helped me realise that I, like so many singles out there, seem to crave the feeling of being safe, secure, loved and sheltered from the treacherous game-playing world by someone who already knows all your faults and foibles.

But did I really miss all those exes for their riveting personalities and warm hearts? Or did I simply miss being someone's girlfriend without all the mind games? I still don't know the answer. But one thing I know for certain is this: ex hunting can sometimes be a therapeutic and even successful dating sport. Just ask Sienna Miller.

After all, we deserve a second chance, don't we?