Are all men really bastards?

As a dating expert, I've decided to take my own (and plenty of your) advice.

Recent posts have suggested that one reason we find ourselves without a mate is that we're trying too hard and that instead, getting to know ourselves and spending some time alone may be a better approach than hours spent in crowded bars.

As a male friend said to me the other day: no woman will be able to find a man until she can spend five straight days at home by herself.

"Running around town in search of a man is unappealing," he says. "Go within for a little while and have your own life going on."

So I've decided to take the challenge. So far I'm one night in.

It was staying in that got me thinking about how to find the right man and importantly how to avoid the bad one. I was home watching the classic film French Kiss and I was struck by a scene in which Meg Ryan's character tells a friend: "I never thought I'd be the type to say this, but it's true. All men are bastards."

But I don't think that's true. Of course, I'm not saying that the thought hadn't crossed my mind before. After all, who of us single women haven't been carried away by the charms of a hideously handsome, narcissistic, self-obsessed playboy (who's already literally charmed the pants off half our circle of friends) despite knowing very well what we were up for from the start?

But there comes a time in a woman's life when she turns around and thinks ... Do I really have to support another out-of-work couch potato just so I'm not lonely? Do I really have to worry about my boyfriend bonking his secretary the minute I turn my back? Rescue another addict from a drug habit? Really?

Dating bad men, playboys or narcissists has been well-documented as our number one dating dilemma. Yet according to the Great Man Survey (during which I surveyed more than 1500 men last year for my book The Chase), only 27 per cent of male respondents categorised themselves as a bad boy.

"Who wants to be known as that?" one man said. "I try and do my best I can to not hurt women. Unfortunately their actions sometimes cause me to pull away ... sometimes a little too soon for their liking."

Of course the men could all be lying (or it could all be part of their game to pretend to be the nice guy) but, with so many men attempting to do the right thing by the fairer sex, why is it that so many women think all men are bastards?

After a bit more research, I discovered that it might not be the men, but actually ourselves, who are causing all the problems ...

You hang out in the wrong places

When you spend all your free time in pubs, clubs or bars in an attempt to meet your soul mate, you're meeting less than 1 per cent of the male population. And guess what? That 1 per cent is not looking for a stable, loving, long-term relationship but rather the quickest and cheapest way to bonk and flee. And in addition to the disappointing line-up, all that partying wreaks havoc on your looks, not to mention your liver.

You're a commitment-phobe

Yep, it's a female conundrum too: commitment scares the heck out of many women I've recently polled, despite the common belief that all women simply want to get married and end up happily ever after for all eternity with Mr Prince Charming. "I just don't know if I believe in the notion of 'forever with the same person'," one woman exclaimed. Who would have thought it was a female issue too?

You hate men

Here's a female issue that many women suffer from but are never likely to admit: they simply don't like dudes. They don't trust 'em, can't commit to them and refuse to acknowledge that there are any decent guys out there because they've been so hurt, heartbroken, jaded and let down by blokes in the past. And the more this happens, the further down the gurgler their self-esteem goes and the less likely they are to attract a good man or even notice one even if he's right under their noses.

But why does this happen to some women and not others?

You have father issues

John Aiken, author of Accidentally Single, why some women, including my close girlfriend Jill, don't trust men.

He says that there can be a myriad reasons, but it often stems from childhood parental relationships.

"Women who have been let down by a significant role model in their life tend to fall into this category. Their father might have left the family, cheated on their mother, been absent during their upbringing, broken promises or abused them. It sets up unhealthy beliefs that men can't be trusted and then often what happens is when they grow up they set these expectations up by choosing guys that are players who are going to break their trust."

The solutions

Aiken says that these father issues can result in women choosing a guy who is a player, travels most of the time, drinks too much, does drugs or has a bad reputation. In order to avoid ending up like Jill, he gives his five-step program to combating this pattern:

* Understand your patterns and be aware of the signs. Analyse your past relationships and look at the types of men you were choosing.
* Start avoiding men who break your trust and start to see red flags early on before things get serious.
* Surround yourself with safe trustworthy people and men.
* Go after men who are more trustworthy and who you would normally overlook.
* Stop the negativity! Make a pact with yourself to stop running down men in public or to girlfriends. Stop saying that all men are bastards. Because that is going to keep you single.

But back to the staying-in challenge. So far I've had to cancel dates, avoid calling back an old friend (who wants to catch up for a cocktail at a single's mixer later in the week) and had to whip out my rusty old cook book to avoid the temptation to eat out. Thank goodness it's a rainy...