The book that changed your life

There are certain milestones in every woman’s life: her first job, her first bad haircut, her first orgasm, her first heartbreak …

I was 18 when I first got my heart broken. When I could finally rouse myself to do anything other than hide under the bed sheets with a tub of peanut butter and a stack of Brad Pitt DVDs, I headed to the nearest bookshop in search for answers. Commitment-phobes, aisle one. Surviving a break-up, aisle two. How to find Mr. Right? Aisles three and four.

I'd long read books on motivation, inspiration, great autobiographies, philosophy, dieting and psychology and believed that you truly could find guidance from someone who knew enough about the subject to write an entire book on it. But a book on how to date? It had never crossed my mind ... until that fateful morning.

And that’s where I found it: The Rules: Time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right. Apparently I had it all wrong because according to the authors - two married women, although one has since divorced, who decided to bring old-fashioned dating tactics back - you weren’t actually ever supposed to call a guy (rule #5), stare at him too much (rule #3), leave things in his apartment like your toothbrush or tampons (rule #22), and you weren’t supposed to see him more than once a week (rule #13). Oops. No wonder I was still single.

So when the man of my mental checklist appeared out of thin air (not taken, not gay, had a car and a job), I immediately put the Rules into play. I saw him twice a week (max), never called him before he called me, never accepted a Saturday date before Wednesday (okay, maybe a few times, but hey, a girl can’t be too high maintenance these days), and all in all became a bona fide “Rules” girl.

When his interest didn't wane (eureka!), I began to think that the Rules had all the answers. That if I followed them verbatim, I could have a successful relationship and that everything would be peaches and chocolate-dipped strawberries for all eternity.

That was, until I slipped. Or maybe it was doomed from the very moment I ever read the damn book because playing fossilized dating games gets pretty darn boring pretty darn fast.

So when I found myself newly single (the authors will tell me it’s because I ditched rule #22 and moved in with him too soon, or the fact that I slipped and framed a photo of us together breaking rule #17), I had to start from square one. Over the years I'd amassed quite a collection of dating books (for research purposes!) and decided it was about as good as time as any to actually read them. Surely something in there could help. Of course the rules had changed since my first heartbreak and suddenly I wasn't so sure what I was supposed to do.

It’s A Break-Up Not a Break-Down got me through the post-break-up roller coaster. Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man helped me set some boundaries. Why Men Love Bitches insisted nice girls finish last. He’s Not That Into You ensured that any man who didn’t call when he said he would was binned instantly.

Each subsequent book gave me contradictory, conflicting, confusing advice. In fact the more I dated and the more books I read, the more my confusion grew. So when I met someone I kind of liked, I faced a dilemma: I had no idea which school of dating to listen to.

Do I sleep with him after three weeks, or three months? Am I supposed to be exclusive, or date other people? Should I call him if he doesn’t call me? Am I a bitch or a nice girl? Play the game like a man, or let him chase me so that his biological instincts and chemical reactions kick in and I trigger his neurological system that tells him to hunt (aka woo, wine and dine me) until I can resist no longer?

“Follow your heart,” they all said.

“Go with the flow,” my girlfriends advised.

The flow? I had to make the flow! I had to send the text! Respond to the emails! Go on the dates! Attend single mixers! Get waxed and plucked and primped and preened! Update my wardrobe! The flow? Puh-lease.

Men need relationship advice too

It's not only women who are facing this dating dichotomy. The men I’ve polled are just as conflicted.

Millions across the globe have read Neil Strauss’s eponymous The Game, which advises men to employ carefully tried and tested tips, tricks and tactics to get beautiful women into bed. While it works like a charm on some women, keeping up the charade gets some blokes (who want more than just casual sex from women who fall for pick-up lines), mightily confused.

Barney writes to ask if there are any books out there for men to help with the dating game that don't resort to game tactics. I wasn’t sure.

But does reading any of these books really deliver any of us true love? Or do they just make us more confused? Because let's face it: when it comes to real life, nothing is predictable, straightforward or as simple as the books lead us to believe.

Sure, a good self-help book can pick us out of a funk and give us an instant injection of self-belief.

But rules? Games? Dating regulations? I think I've finally come to the conclusion that it just doesn't work that way and nothing you read is going to help you to navigate the future of your relationship. It's all about trial and error, the chemistry and the situation.