For many the idea of paying for sex reeks of desperation, dirty old men and perhaps even a world gone wrong. But when a woman named Nicole (not her real name), contacted me saying she was eager to tell her side of the story about falling into the sex trade and then becoming the owner of one Asia’s most notorious brothels, I was intrigued to say the least.
Mostly because, as a singleton out on the dating scene, it’s become one of the deal breakers: does a man believe in paying for it? Would he do it once he was married? And is it cheating, or just a way of getting sex on the side without rocking the relationship boat?
According to Nicole, the answer to the philandering question is a definitive no. “Wives should be relieved that her husband has been having non-emotional sex and that he has chosen to pay for it rather than becoming entangled in an affair.”
And this is where things get interesting. The thought of having to quiz men about this topic (on the first date no less!) came to me after speaking to a woman who had been dating a newly divorced man. He had married an escort whom he had regularly visited and they had a child. But after five years, she left him to return to the industry.
When my friend asked this man about his sexual habits, it came to light that he still visited brothels every now and again. She promptly dumped him.
“It’s cheating!” she exclaimed. “It's behaviour I will not tolerate under any circumstances."
But is it really cheating? Not everyone believes so. A survey carried out in New Zealand discovered that one in five men have paid for sex, while one respondent claimed that it’s every man’s fantasy to visit a prostitute once in their life. Many (all men) said they wouldn’t consider it cheating but an extra-curricular activity.
According to the poll, it’s easier than dating (there's no dinner, conversation or difficult questions), it’s cheap (or sometimes not so cheap depending where you go), it’s exciting and they don't have to worry about dumping her the following morning. But is it all so cut and dry?
In order to get some answers I met James for lunch. I was unsure what to expect. The girl who greeted me was a statuesque, elegant, well-groomed, highly educated ex-high school teacher.
Here’s the conversation that transpired …
How long have you been involved in the industry and what got you into it?
“I was a single mum with no real support from my ex husband and living on around $600 a week. Compounding this was the fact that my parents weren’t even in the same state so I somehow had to fund traveling back and forth. Along with that experience came a strong sense of mortality and a desire to return to university to start a graduate law degree so I could stop resenting the fact I never had the opportunity due to a lack of finances when I first finished high school. However, I ultimately had even less money - until a guy friend of mine, who also happened to be a major consumer of sex services, suggested I stop complaining about reverting back to broke uni bum status, take a leap of faith and check out what it would be like working in a brothel. I did, it was easy and it meant I could stop worrying. My son was well looked after and I could pay for my textbooks along with basic things like, well, food and rent.”
How did you find the experience?
“I actually found it easy for a number of reasons. Firstly, I had always been quite open-minded, I have a naturally high sex drive and I enjoy sex. God forbid! Secondly, I believe that you can learn something from every person you meet and fortunately, as a bit of a talker I can have a conversation with anyone about pretty much anything. Lastly, I could see the job for what it is; it’s just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not emotional, it’s not degrading or dirty, it’s not damaging my soul and it’s not illegal. Don’t even get me started on the whole morality issue because quite frankly my dears, there is nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults. What is unfortunate is that long ago, along with the spread of Christianity came the notion that sex was for procreation and not recreation and that subsequently enforced a whole lot of guilt and confusion upon successive generations. But hey, who am I to judge?
Do you think paying for sex is different to an affair?
“I think that if you’re a guy out there looking for sex you need to remember affairs can be disastrous, they can become emotional and self-destruct. Paying for sex on the other hand is like any other commercial transaction, you pay for a service and when your time’s up you walk away. My boyfriend maintains it was much easier for him to see a hooker after a bad experience at the hands of his ex; he never saw it as paying for sex instead he paid for no call backs and no drama. With no emotional involvement, it meant no one was going to lie to him, cheat on him or hurt him; it was definitely an easier option. If you’re a married man who has no intention of leaving your wife, why start an affair that may ultimately cost you your marriage?”
What type of men – single, married, old or young – are the target market?
“A consumer might be your boss, your brother or father, the nice elderly couple who live next door or your husband. A sex worker could easily be your favourite aunt, your sister, your teacher or your wife. You would never know unless they told you.''
Why do the men come to you?
“Consumers who are married men tend to either be in unhappy relationships or they are in a loving relationship in which there is a distinct lack of sex. Again, my wise boyfriend interjects; when a woman gets married she thinks she can change a man and iron out his faults but when a man gets married he wants his wife to stay the same. I see the outcome of this. When a women lets herself go physically, when her sex drive wanes, when she resents the hours he spends at work or she becomes bored with tennis, shopping and children and takes it out on him; her husband is inevitably going to feel a little ripped off.
A friend of mine is a busy lawyer who lacks a bit of social confidence and finds it difficult to get a girlfriend so, quite logically, he is a consumer of sex services because it’s straightforward, non-emotional and uncomplicated. His best friend however is repulsed by the idea and instead insists on going out and picking up whenever he wants to get some action. Ladies, to do this he will lie to you, tell you what you want to hear and then after he gets what he wants, will leave you crying into your pillow. What would you prefer? Those that are in a relationship will pay for sex if they are not getting it, enough or at all, at home. They are really that simple.”
What advice do you have to women who find out that their husband / boyfriend has been hiring escorts?
“The first thing you need to do is be relieved he has been having non-emotional sex and he has had to pay for it rather than becoming entangled in an affair."
What do you think? Is paying for it cheating? Better than him having an affair? Would you condone it?
Have a fabulous weekend, and happy dating!!
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