Why break-ups hurt so much

"He made my life hell."
"She killed my self esteem."
"He cheated on me. Twice!"
"She kicked me out of the apartment and threw my stuff out the window."
"He was mean to my dog."
"I want her back!"
"Why doesn't he want me back?"

We all know the feeling of being in the throes of a break-up and still clinging onto the past. But, in my own experiences of the brilliant break-up memoir Straight Up and Dirty, not getting over someone from your past is akin to carrying a corpse in the cargo of your boat while trying to reach a faraway destination.

So here's a quick question for readers: who here is carrying a corpse in their boat? Because, unfortunately, it doesn't matter what the other person did to piss you off or why the relationship ended, the fact is that, for some unknown reason, break-ups seems to hurt like a motherf---er, no matter whose fault it was. And suddenly the thought of letting go or moving on is a faraway dream akin to the invention of painless bikini waxes ...

For those who've never experienced the pain and anguish of a relationship gone sour, constant jabs, such as, "So, have the two of you spoken?", "Has he moved on without you?" and "I saw your ex out last night and it looked like your ex was on a date," mean that ditching the corpse is made a whole lot more difficult.

"Who gives a toss?" you desperately want to scream back. "I'm F-I-N-E without them, thank you very much." Which is why it's important to stick with those who've been through the same thing. They're the ones who know that the minute the corpse is dumped into the water, things will instantly go from choppy and unpredictable to happy and smooth sailing.

Of course everyone has their own recipe for successfully dumping the corpse and moving forward.

Revenge
Some say that revenge is the best policy. Seeing the other person suffer is mightily therapeutic and the best way to get the whole failed shebang out of your system, they say.

"I used to put chili in his underwear and let the dog lick his sandwiches," one scorned ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be a chef, told me recently.

"I still had her car keys and used to urinate in her car every time I drove past it," said a man who found out his ex-girlfriend was having an affair - mostly in the back of her car.

And a third said that the best revenge was looking hot and feeling great. "Nothing beats being able to turn your head and say 'I'm more desirable than you and you can't have me any more.' "

Get under another
Many believe that the only way to let go and get over one is to meet someone else and get under another. A newly married beautician said that she encourages all her newly heartbroken clients to try this method for getting rid of old feelings about an ex.

"Sex is the best way to get them out of your system and to start opening up your heart to someone new," she said. "That's how I did it. Yes, he might have been a rebound. But it eventually turned into something a lot more. And now I'm happily married with a child on the way." If only it were that simple.

Find yourself
While I'm not one to buy into New Age advice and self discovering processes, many say that a break-up gives you the chance to "find yourself", work on your inner core without distractions and to ascertain the meaning of your life while discovering exactly what you want out of your next relationship.

"I moved to the other side of the world, cut off all contact and made a new life for myself," one lawyer in his 30s told me the other night. "I made new friends, a new local coffee shop, a new world. It was the only way I could get her out of my system for good."

Of course all this is easier said than done. Because, when you're in the throes of a toxic break-up, nothing seems rational any more. You don't sleep, you lose weight, you party too hard, you eat too much, you sleep too late and then you wake up only to repeat the whole sordid process all over again, all the while spiralling downhill so fast, you don't even realise it yourself until you wake up one day and you've been repeating the pattern for the past 10 years.

So what's the answer?

"At least he wasn't Brad Pitt," I heard a woman tell her heartbroken friend the other day. Which, oddly enough, seemed to curb the crying woman's tears, even if just momentarily.

So what's the solution? Focus on yourself? Find another? Find another country to live in? I guess it's as they say: only time will heal the wounds. And, that's what I exactly I do to my own personal development.