Negotiated infidelity. The very phrase is enough to send happy couples running for the hills, and tied-up promiscuous blokes clapping their hands with glee. After all, isn't it against biology to be monogamous? Aren't we fighting a losing battle in the attempt not to stray? Isn't fidelity overrated? (For the record, I think the term "negotiated infidelity" is a bonafide oxymoron, but bear with me for now as I introduce you to the argument.)
As one man said to me the other day, "My mother said the biggest mistake I made in my marriage was that I thought I could still date other women. Apparently I couldn't."
Another man claimed that, although at forty something years old he felt he'd finally met "the one", he still couldn't help looking at other women. "I still get those urges and I find them difficult to contain," he told me. "I find it a real challenge not to act on them even though I'm finally in love with the woman of my dreams."
Perhaps it's ego. Perhaps it's male testosterone. Perhaps it's selfishness. Perhaps men these days want to have their cake and eat from another one simultaneously. But whatever the reason, as much as I hope never to date (let alone marry) one of these sorts of men, I don't blame them for their thoughts. After all, it's within a man's DNA to look, sometimes touch and mostly think about, doing naughty things with someone of the opposite sex other than their special somebody.
So you can imagine their elation upon hearing from author and ex-mistress Holly Hill, who recently told CNN's Larry King that one of the biggest things she's learnt from her life that involved being paid to have sex with married men, is to do the following: let your partner cheat – as long as there are rules and boundaries set up beforehand.
"I think that cheating men are normal," Hill told Marie Claire magazine. "Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not in the long term. Men are hard-wired to betray women in the long term."
Really? Well, says Hill, who at one point in her "career" was a highly paid mistress earning about $1000 a week (mostly from married men doing the dirty on their unsuspecting wives), one of the main things she's learnt from her journey is that "a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he's late from the office Christmas party", or so she told CNN.
She's probably one of the few women of the world who have asked, after a woman has been cheated on and dumped for her boyfriend's secretary, why should the men have all the fun? Why can't women also have sex on the side and still maintain a solid committed relationship? And why should they have to lie about satiating their urges?
"We just have to be honest about the way nature created us," she said, "and we have to work with nature instead of working against her ... This isn't rocket science. This is what every man already knows and I think what every woman deep down already knows."
Right now Hill is in a committed relationship. How she gets around the possibility of this open infidelity ruining their bond is by setting some clear-cut boundaries, and then following them. Her top rules? No sleepovers, no spooning and no romantic getaways. "For me, spooning is cheating," she says.
Some commentators have said a woman's decision for negotiated infidelity is a sign of female empowerment. Others have said it's a poor man's excuse to cheat on your partner. As for me? I'm quite sure this sort of arrangement wouldn't fly. Sure, I've been cheated on in the past. And, yes, it would probably have lessened the blow if I would have allowed it in the first place - and would have allowed to do the same thing back. But does it ever truly work out? I think not.
In fact, I know one couple who attempted it and discovered that it didn't work - especially after one conveniently forgot to disclose the fact that they began to have feelings for one of their so-called "lovers".
When the other discovered the tryst was more than what they'd negotiated (perhaps there was too much "spooning" involved), jealousy and trust flew right out the window, along with respect, love and compassion.
PS. Check out this video and see for yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment