Why relationships fail‏?

Modern relationships aren't doing well. In a world in which casual sex is proffered like chocolate pudding off a menu, the sanctity of love and marriage is no longer a priority for many.
Instead, we live in an era in which the news of breakdowns of famous twosomes ricochet around the media more often than Victoria Beckham changes her hairstyle. And, says Dr John M. Gottman - the guru of relationship failure - 67 per cent of first marriages end in divorce over a four-year period. Now that's a whole lot of broken hearts, rebound sex and empty tubs of comfort ice-cream.
Despite all the information seemingly available to us in the form of the self-help aisle of the bookstore, still, we are mightily perplexed as to why exactly so many relationships go down the gurgler faster than I can down a dry martini ...
Unfortunately for many, instead of looking at the "why" we fail, we all spend our time trying to find the holy grail as to "how" to have a happy relationship. Which, if the experts are anything to go by, then all we have to do is dress up in a naughty nurse's outfit, make regular "date night" plans (without the kids) and remember not to forget everything from their birthday to their "Big O". Do this and everything will be hunky dory, right? Perhaps not.
So the question remains: why do relationships fail? What makes one person mentally or physically check out? What turns a once loving relationship into one that is slowly drowning in negativity?
Last week I interviewed Siimon Reynolds, author of the new book Why People Fail. He agrees that, while there are a myriad self-help books on the topic of how to succeed, no one ever tells you how to master failure. Yet, says Reynolds, there's a distinct line between success and failure, and combating it all begins with knowing what you want and then not allowing your enthusiasm to wane for the project at hand.
Can this apply to relationships? Reynolds certainly thinks so. Hence here are his top four reasons as to why relationships fail ... and what you can do to ensure you don't self-sabotage your own romantic union ...

1. There's not enough laughter
"Being positive is key," says Reynolds. "At least that's if the research carried out by Dr Gottman is anything to go by." After studying over 2000 couples and watching many interact in his "love lab", Gottman then followed up with them a few years later. He found that he had predicted their success with 90 per cent accuracy! How? Well a while back he discovered that in order for couples to have a successful future, there needs to be a five to one ratio of positive statements to negative ones within the relationship.
Gottman explained it to a Seattle TV station like this:

"If you add up the amount of positivity there is, you know, laughter, affection, empathy, understanding, just head-nodding and paying attention, and divide it by the number of seconds that they are critical or angry or disappointed or hurt, that in good relationships, stable relationships, there is five times as much positive going on as there is negative."
Of course it's OK to fight, but as author Alexandra Penney of How to Make Love To A Man once said, "The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands."

2. You're dating a pessimist
Reynolds says the satisfaction you have in a relationship is directly related to how the other person feels when they are around you. Hence in order to give them the warm fuzzies when they're around you, you need to be an eternal optimist. At least that's the solution proffered by Dr Martin Seligman who is known as the world's leading authority on optimism. Seligman says that, while every relationship needs at least one person who is an optimist, it's better if both partners are constantly positive and pushing each other up.
Of course it's a darn nightmare to remain positive and upbeat when your partner sits on the couch all day drowning their sorrows with booze or weed; if they abuse you emotional or physically, or if find yourselves moving in different life directions. (Seligman also once hypothesised that, "Women who display genuine smiles to the photographer at age 18 go on to have fewer divorces and more marital satisfaction than those who display fake smiles." Hm..)

3. You are not putting 100 per cent into the relationship
It's funny how easy it is to check out of the relationship under the guise of work, social life, family obligations or travel. And yet, if one person has mentally checked out of the relationship, things are going to go downhill pretty fast. I've have seen it all too often and it saddens me when one partner mentally checks out of the relationship while the other is still scrambling for any scraps of emotional connection they might be able to hang on to. Unfortunately, once one person's interest wanes, it gets increasingly difficult to change their mind.

4. Maintenance is an illusion
If you think that simply "maintaining" a relationship will make it work for the long haul, then you're kidding yourself, says Reynolds. Relationships take hard work, dedication and continual effort to spice things up.
Reynolds suggests doing two things to keep things spicy. Firstly, he abides by the "cruise director theory". In other words, one person should always take charge and suggest the activities and ways to keep things interesting.

And secondly, he says it's imperative to make memories together. "Meaningful memories draw you together," he says. "It's actually proven that the best relationships constantly focus on making new memories together by doing fun activities." Oh, and don't forget to take those happy snaps ...