It was English poet Alfred Lord Tennyson who said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Yet anyone with a broken heart would agree that to have "loved and lost" is akin to stabbing yourself in the eye with a toothpick while your heart gets twisted around like a corkscrew. In fact the only thing I can see that might be a positive outcome to emerge from a break-up is the fact that you either lose a heck of a lot of weight, or you can freely rediscover your penchant for vanilla fudge ripple ice-cream and triple choc chunk cookies. (Hey, at least it numbs the pain.)
Then there are other people - the more sensible ones among us - who will emerge from a toxic break-up with a list of lessons they've actually learnt in the process.
One such dude is Ben Karlin, the former senior editor of The Onion and editor of the book Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me. To him, break-ups can indeed teach lovers a myriad lessons for the next relationship. (That's if they're brave enough to put their heart on the line ever again.) ...
What men can learn from women who dump them
Karlin's lessons include:
* Never tell a woman you're moving state without discussing where the relationship is going.
* Don't express "indignation, rage, and heretofore unseen emotions" when you discover the object of your affection is seeing someone else in your absence.
* Don't commit any grand gestures such as flying over to see her at her parents' home where she is visiting. (This surprise move will only "confuse everybody, especially the parents, since they knew she was doing some other dude". He didn't know that yet.)
* And finally, don't avoid a break-up if it's inevitable - it will only result in a breakdown.
When I consulted my serial-dumped friend Artemus on the topic, he claimed that getting dumped is actually a male right of passage. He concurs with Karlin, admitting that he's been dumped so many times he's finally come up with his own top three lessons garnered from his ex-girlfriends ...
Always keep a relationship calendar: "I know this sounds crazy but if you ever forget the first date, the anniversary, her birthday (her mom's birthday), your song, or her favorite book ... consider yourself toast. Every girl who has ever broken up with me or who I've sent packing has told me the following: 'You just don't seem like you have enough time. You didn't even remember my birthday, asshole.' Yes, I'm bad with dates and I know all guys are, so write this stuff down!"
Lie: "Do you hate her friends and all the stupid 'girls night out' stuff? Do you think her mom is out to get you? Do you hate her hobbies, dance classes and guy friends? So did I, but there's no need to show her you do. The fact is, ALL guys can relate to (directly or indirectly) the points I made above as we all have the same Guy DNA. So do yourself a favour, become a great actor and pretend that you're either cool with these things, don't care either way or are totally passionate about her interests and social circle. If she doesn't feel like you're supporting her, she's going to nag and that leads to less sex and more fighting i.e. the break-up time bomb."
Surprise Her: "From time to time, change things up and surprise her with thoughtful gifts, new places to go to dinner, interesting date locations, walks on the beach ... WHATEVER. The biggest lesson I've learnt from failed relationships is that I stopped trying and, as a result, she lost interest or wanted more. Most guys hate surprises, cute moments or long walks. OK, but unless you do this every couple weeks, you risk complete failure and the famous 'let's just be friends' speech."
What women learn from men who've dumped them
While I've been dumped more times than I can shake a stick at, I've never actually contemplated the fact that these heart-breaking moments might have actually taught me a thing or two. Isn't it always their fault anyway? Yet, for the sake of this article, I've decided to retrace my steps and think about the top five things I've learnt from the men who've dumped me ...
Don't tell a guy you love him first: Especially if you don't know how he feels. Or if you've only been dating for two months. Or if you suspect he's back with his ex-girlfriend but has failed to mention that itty-bitty little fact to you.
Don't get drunk with your girlfriends and then attempt to call or see your boyfriend at two in the morning: When you're tipsy and he's not, women tend to whine, nag, cajole and berate the poor dude while he's simply trying to get some shut eye. Not to mention the fact that your pores are probably oozing with the stench of vodka and cigarette smoke all mingled in one rather unappealing combination.
Don't befriend his female BFF:. Firstly, she might just be trying to get into his pants the entire time you're dating him, hence will be attempting to sabotage your union at any opportunity she might have. Secondly, if you do actually genuinely start to like her, the minute you and your beau have a fight or break up, it's inevitable that she's going to take his side and spill all the beans you've trusted her with.
Don't introduce him to your mum too early on: It not only freaks him out but men have this weird belief that all women are going to turn out to look and act exactly like their mothers. Save the meet and greet for the wedding.
Don't keep your ex's phone number: Does this one really need an explanation?
And my final word of advice? I'll let the proverb speak for itself ...
"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."
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