Ye Mere Deewanapan Hai I Sophia Abella

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A classy exit to a one-night stand

I often think that men don't give a toss. That they don't call because they don't want to. That they don't put the toilet seat down because they don't want to (and claim that it should be up all the time and that women should be the ones to put it up once we're done). That they don't call your mum on her birthday because they don't want to. That they don't remember your anniversary because they simply don't care.

But occasionally I get a tiny insight from a man that shows me they actually do give a toss, but they just don't know how to show it.

Because, if a man shows he cares about a woman's feelings, he fears she'll get all googley eyed on him and then demand they be in a relationship, that he put a ring on her finger, that they move in together for a life of domestic bliss and that he declare his undying love before she's through with her dessert.

Case in point is the tale of Hank, who says that, after a recent one-night, he actually does care what she thinks but isn't sure how to break the news to her that he just wants to engage in a bit of casual late-night nookie (he says she's not "relationship material"), while he searches for Mrs Right on the side.

It's been a few days since the hook-up and he has yet to give her a call. Why? Because he's scared. You see, while she's indicated she wants a relationship with him, he's just happy to see her for sex.

"Is it bad," he asks, "to hang on to a girl just for sex, knowing I don't really want a relationship? Should I be straight up and tell her that I like having sex ... but I don't want to be in a relationship? And could this lead to a 'friend with benefits' situation? And is that really the solution?"

Having been on the tail end of a relationship with a dude who wasn't ever into me but only after one thing (yet never having had the decency to let me know until it was too late), I told Hank that he should be honest and upfront with her from the start.

That if he wants to see her again, he should tell her that he's only after something casual and that if she's OK with that then they can continue to see each other. But if she wants something more, then they should call it quits before she's running around deciphering his text messages and planning the wedding.

When I told my psychiatrist friend Dr T my solution to Hank's problem, he told me that, even though it all sounds good in theory, the trouble with women is that, despite what a man might tell them, they still think they can "change" him. If the woman acquiesces to his wants and needs, he might turn around one day and decide that she is girlfriend material. That he does want a relationship with her.

"What women do is they look for the smallest sign that a guy might be into her," explains Dr T. "So he'll open the car door for her or text her something and all of a sudden she's saying: 'Wow, he opened the car door for me! He must really like me!' When in reality he might do that for every girl. But, nevertheless, she starts daydreaming about the guy and conjuring up all these fantasies about him and he's not even there! So she'll build a relationship in her head based on a fantastical version of the person and think she's in love. But she's not really in love because the other person wasn't even there - it was only her!"

Put your hands up if you've found yourself in that situation. Me too. The technical term for it is "parataxic distortion" – the psychiatric term (according to Wikipedia) which is used to explain "the inclination to skew perceptions of others based on fantasy".

Women are notorious fantasy jumpers. Why we do it so often, I have no bloody idea. All I know is that it's a dangerous game we play in our heads, which leads us down a treacherous path of no return as we flitter around and around in circles over some guy who, in reality, might not be that into us. It's funny that, while women are notorious for being good listeners, when it comes to hearing what men say, we suddenly go mightily deaf.

I once had a guy tell me he was dating another woman and could no longer be friends with me. I didn't hear his words. I simply assumed that if I showed him what great girlfriend material I was, he'd dump her and come running into my arms. How wrong I was.

My girlfriend played a similar game when her ex told her he'd like to see her for her birthday, despite the fact he'd dumped her for no reason and was now in a relationship with someone else. So she ditched all her friends and waited patiently at home, all dolled up and heady with excitement for the reunion. He never showed up.

It's weird that we sit and wait for some dude who we think might be "the one" to call us, show us he cares and remember our birthday, when in fact the real "one" would be doing those things without the excuses of a lost mobile phone, a car breaking down or the fact he "fell asleep" when he was supposed to be picking us up.

Perhaps next time we should listen more carefully to a man's actual words and stay out of our heads. And instead of wasting all our time fantasy jumping, we should aim to live well, look hot and meet someone new. Who does actually call when he says he will …

What do you think?

PS. On the flip-side, when a man wants a relationship and a woman does not, does she give a toss about his feelings? Or use him for sex without his knowledge? Has that ever happened to you or is it an unlikely scenario?

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