Recovering from a divorce

Winslet. Hopper. Bullock. And now my girlfriend Lisa. Not a day goes by in which another pending divorce doesn't hit the headlines. Prenups, missing golf clubs, psycho ex spouses and more baggage than Victoria Beckham can carry on a long-haul flight are hinted at. Divorce lawyers weigh in, fights break out over kids, pets and cars, and dating websites heat up with newly divorced members on the prowl for love, or at least a one-night fling.

While those in the public eye either go into hiding or separate very publicly with "divorce parties" (more on that absurd trend in a minute), Harriet, a 32-year-old lawyer, isn't having much luck.

"Will I ever survive?" she asks me, choking back tears. She's fresh out of a divorce and it's beginning to take its toll.

"Everyone liked me better when I was married. Now I'm just plain old Lisa. Single girl. Alone. With nothing"...

As I do my best to console her, Lisa admits that, while she doesn't regret leaving her husband of 10 years, there's nothing worse than the "D" word.

"It's like a death," she says quietly. "I married way too young" ...

When to marry has long been the question, especially with the rising median age for marriage and the easy access to divorce, which leaves many to conclude that perhaps it's something that modern couples would be wiser not to take on so lightly.

Which is also perhaps why I constantly hear this lament from modern single women: "Why settle for Mr OK when there's half a chance I'll eventually divorce him anyway?"

The good news is that, despite what you might read in the tabloids, divorce rates appear to be falling. Both US and British divorce rates are on the decrease, with Britain having its lowest divorce rate since 1979. And, according to the latest Australian statistics, the annual divorce rate is at its lowest since 1992. All this would seem like a mighty big feat for a world in which sometimes divorce seems as ubiquitous as a one-night stand, and just as messy.

Can you ever survive divorce?

When it comes to life after divorce, the responses are a mixed bag.

Says Dave: "Of course you can recover from a divorce. However, it is pertinent to realise three things: 1) That material wealth is a false wealth. 2)There are always two people who contribute to a split. 3) Learn from mistakes - from both sides of the argument. In the end, time spent alone to remind yourself of who you are, where you've come from and the 'good times' you both shared is the best way to get over the divorce."

Yet Donna says that it's only when you "find new love" that you will truly be able to get over it. "Otherwise you will always have old ghosts!" she says.

And P admits that, unfortunately, he didn't survive the wrath of his former spouse.

"After my divorce, I now don't see my kids, have been alienated from them and gave my ex everything - the house, property, holiday house and money. A year later she set child support on me." His health is now failing and he reckons that "till death do us part has no due diligence".

Divorce parties

While a divorce can take a gigantic toll on one's emotional and psychological well-being, nowadays a new phenomenon known as "the divorce party" is hotter than a back-alley kiss.

The divorce party was made infamous by Shanna Moakler, the ex-wife of drummer Travis Barker. She held one in Las Vegas after their split became final. The highlight of the party? A three-tiered "divorce cake" adorned with a wedding cake topper of a blonde holding a knife with a groom down below spattered with blood. Yeouch.

Party organisers and divorcees alike have jumped on the divorce party bandwagon, taking it as an opportunity to celebrate their single lives with friends and family, instead of wallowing in self pity.

Some event organisers have even created a symbolic gesture to go with it all - "The Wedding Ring Coffin" - a ceremony in which the wedding ring is placed inside a coffin and the lid is closed on it for life. Charming.

To divorce, or not to divorce?

While researching this topic, I came across a book co-written by US actress Stacey Nelkin, titled You Can't Afford To Break Up. I was intrigued. Was she saying that people should stick together as divorce is too costly? After chatting to her via email, I discovered she had a very different message:

"Because of the economic downturn, many people are finding it too costly to get a divorce," she said. "There are lawyers' fees, new dwellings for both partners, and not to mention the high cost of dating! Figuratively, unless you are really self aware, you are going to break up and confront the same issues with the next person. New face, same scenario."

While she admits that she would never suggest staying together for monetary reasons - "life is too short and precious to be miserable" - she does warn couples that, before any proclamations are made and bags packed, all consequences both for and against the decision need to be weighed up. And having been married twice before, she reckons she's definitely an expert on such matters.

Her final word of advice?

"Love is hard to find. For this very reason, it should propel us into working to keep the fires burning in our existing relationships. Marriage can be more fun and sexy after a decade or two together than when you first met and fell in love."

PS. To live together, or not to live together?

Don't do it. Yep, just in case you're still wondering, now it's a fact: couples who cohabit before marriage stand a higher chance of divorce than those who live apart before tying the knot. This is according to research carried out by the University of Denver, which found that "cohabiting before engagement, even only with one's future spouse, is associated with lower marital quality and higher divorce potential". You might want to think about packing your toothbrush ... or kicking them out instead.