There are certain milestones in every woman’s life: her first job, her first bad haircut, her first orgasm, her first heartbreak …
I was 18 when I first got my heart broken. When I could finally rouse myself to do anything other than hide under the bed sheets with a tub of peanut butter and a stack of Brad Pitt DVDs, I headed to the nearest bookshop in search for answers. Commitment-phobes, aisle one. Surviving a break-up, aisle two. How to find Mr. Right? Aisles three and four.
I'd long read books on motivation, inspiration, great autobiographies, philosophy, dieting and psychology and believed that you truly could find guidance from someone who knew enough about the subject to write an entire book on it. But a book on how to date? It had never crossed my mind ... until that fateful morning.
And that’s where I found it: The Rules: Time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right. Apparently I had it all wrong because according to the authors - two married women, although one has since divorced, who decided to bring old-fashioned dating tactics back - you weren’t actually ever supposed to call a guy (rule #5), stare at him too much (rule #3), leave things in his apartment like your toothbrush or tampons (rule #22), and you weren’t supposed to see him more than once a week (rule #13). Oops. No wonder I was still single.
So when the man of my mental checklist appeared out of thin air (not taken, not gay, had a car and a job), I immediately put the Rules into play. I saw him twice a week (max), never called him before he called me, never accepted a Saturday date before Wednesday (okay, maybe a few times, but hey, a girl can’t be too high maintenance these days), and all in all became a bona fide “Rules” girl.
When his interest didn't wane (eureka!), I began to think that the Rules had all the answers. That if I followed them verbatim, I could have a successful relationship and that everything would be peaches and chocolate-dipped strawberries for all eternity.
That was, until I slipped. Or maybe it was doomed from the very moment I ever read the damn book because playing fossilized dating games gets pretty darn boring pretty darn fast.
So when I found myself newly single (the authors will tell me it’s because I ditched rule #22 and moved in with him too soon, or the fact that I slipped and framed a photo of us together breaking rule #17), I had to start from square one. Over the years I'd amassed quite a collection of dating books (for research purposes!) and decided it was about as good as time as any to actually read them. Surely something in there could help. Of course the rules had changed since my first heartbreak and suddenly I wasn't so sure what I was supposed to do.
It’s A Break-Up Not a Break-Down got me through the post-break-up roller coaster. Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man helped me set some boundaries. Why Men Love Bitches insisted nice girls finish last. He’s Not That Into You ensured that any man who didn’t call when he said he would was binned instantly.
Each subsequent book gave me contradictory, conflicting, confusing advice. In fact the more I dated and the more books I read, the more my confusion grew. So when I met someone I kind of liked, I faced a dilemma: I had no idea which school of dating to listen to.
Do I sleep with him after three weeks, or three months? Am I supposed to be exclusive, or date other people? Should I call him if he doesn’t call me? Am I a bitch or a nice girl? Play the game like a man, or let him chase me so that his biological instincts and chemical reactions kick in and I trigger his neurological system that tells him to hunt (aka woo, wine and dine me) until I can resist no longer?
“Follow your heart,” they all said.
“Go with the flow,” my girlfriends advised.
The flow? I had to make the flow! I had to send the text! Respond to the emails! Go on the dates! Attend single mixers! Get waxed and plucked and primped and preened! Update my wardrobe! The flow? Puh-lease.
Men need relationship advice too
It's not only women who are facing this dating dichotomy. The men I’ve polled are just as conflicted.
Millions across the globe have read Neil Strauss’s eponymous The Game, which advises men to employ carefully tried and tested tips, tricks and tactics to get beautiful women into bed. While it works like a charm on some women, keeping up the charade gets some blokes (who want more than just casual sex from women who fall for pick-up lines), mightily confused.
Barney writes to ask if there are any books out there for men to help with the dating game that don't resort to game tactics. I wasn’t sure.
But does reading any of these books really deliver any of us true love? Or do they just make us more confused? Because let's face it: when it comes to real life, nothing is predictable, straightforward or as simple as the books lead us to believe.
Sure, a good self-help book can pick us out of a funk and give us an instant injection of self-belief.
But rules? Games? Dating regulations? I think I've finally come to the conclusion that it just doesn't work that way and nothing you read is going to help you to navigate the future of your relationship. It's all about trial and error, the chemistry and the situation.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The case of the bond "missing" sisterhood
The great divide between our behaviour continues. Men will applaud their mates for finding a girl. Women will question whether their girlfriend is rushing into it too soon; whether their friend really deserves a guy like him or whether he really likes her or is just using her for sex. And then, if he makes a pass at her (behind his girlfriend's back), many won't hesitate to go in for the kill. (True story.)
Yet, ladies, don't fret just yet. When I asked around for stories about the missing sisterhood, I discovered that it's a little better than I might first have thought.
Bryony says that, when she kissed a man and a few weeks later met his girlfriend, she immediately put an end to their dalliances in the name of sisterhood.
"I told her about everything he was doing, because I would want to be told if my boyfriend did that ... It's a sticky business getting involved in people's relationships, but I think, I hope, I did the right thing by her. These sleazy men need to be weeded out and punished for their crimes."
While Bryony might have shown that sisterhood between women is not dead yet, Marie says that it's a rare trait and that it is fast going down the drain. "There are way too many women who will flirt back when a man, who is dating someone or married, flirts with her. It takes a good woman to resist." She says sisterhood is getting phased out and has heard one too many stories of late about women sleeping with their best friend's husbands.
While I have my own drawer filled with these sorts of sordid tales, I never really thought to blame the lack of sisterhood for the problems until I realised something quite simple: women have the ability to deflect a taken man's advances. The ball's in her court. And no matter how attracted she might be to the (questionable) bloke in question, she should deflect him on the basis that it's simply the wrong thing to do by the other woman.
Lisa says about sisterhood: "Over the years I've found that there really isn't such thing. I wish there was and we did all have this sixth sense to just ‘stick' together. It would make navigating the world a little easier."
But Dana says it isn't so much a case of sisterhood as it is of self-respect. "I had a pretty famous sportsman make the moves not too long ago. He has a so-called serious partner so I declined without thinking twice. He asked why and found it hard to have a big fat no in his face. But at the end of the day it's about self respect, not sisterhood that makes me say no."
Would a man have done the same if the situation was reversed?
Yet, ladies, don't fret just yet. When I asked around for stories about the missing sisterhood, I discovered that it's a little better than I might first have thought.
Bryony says that, when she kissed a man and a few weeks later met his girlfriend, she immediately put an end to their dalliances in the name of sisterhood.
"I told her about everything he was doing, because I would want to be told if my boyfriend did that ... It's a sticky business getting involved in people's relationships, but I think, I hope, I did the right thing by her. These sleazy men need to be weeded out and punished for their crimes."
While Bryony might have shown that sisterhood between women is not dead yet, Marie says that it's a rare trait and that it is fast going down the drain. "There are way too many women who will flirt back when a man, who is dating someone or married, flirts with her. It takes a good woman to resist." She says sisterhood is getting phased out and has heard one too many stories of late about women sleeping with their best friend's husbands.
While I have my own drawer filled with these sorts of sordid tales, I never really thought to blame the lack of sisterhood for the problems until I realised something quite simple: women have the ability to deflect a taken man's advances. The ball's in her court. And no matter how attracted she might be to the (questionable) bloke in question, she should deflect him on the basis that it's simply the wrong thing to do by the other woman.
Lisa says about sisterhood: "Over the years I've found that there really isn't such thing. I wish there was and we did all have this sixth sense to just ‘stick' together. It would make navigating the world a little easier."
But Dana says it isn't so much a case of sisterhood as it is of self-respect. "I had a pretty famous sportsman make the moves not too long ago. He has a so-called serious partner so I declined without thinking twice. He asked why and found it hard to have a big fat no in his face. But at the end of the day it's about self respect, not sisterhood that makes me say no."
Would a man have done the same if the situation was reversed?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Secrets about men every woman should know
"What are we doing here?" It's a question most women (including me) have asked a guy at some stage in the game when things are a little less clear than we women would like them to be.
"We're just having fun!" the men will answer. "Why do you women think about things so deeply?" they'll respond. "I'm a simple creature: I say it how it is." Oh, really? While I know every man worth his beige loafers might purport to be some easy-going carefree creature who likes nothing more than to be straight up (and a little dirty), the fact is men are mightily confusing.
I have no idea (most of the time) what their texts mean; if their "coffee" invitation is really a date (or just a test?); why they dump you one minute because they say they "don't want a girlfriend", but are engaged to some floozy the next. After interviewing thousands of men for over half a decade, I've come to one (rather dampening) conclusion: the male species is anything but simple, no matter how many times they tell you they're just into sex, steak, sports, beer, and more sex. Women are confused ... men are confused as to why.
The other day, when I got called over to a girlfriend's house to help her decipher some male behaviour that was being presented to her in the form of weird mixed messages and encrypted Facebook status updates, I noticed there was a book on her shelf titled Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. I decided to borrow it and, after flipping through the first few pages, I quickly realised that it's not so much their behaviour that baffles us, but about how we respond to it that makes all the difference. Boys will be boys (unfortunately Australia's Next Top Model marathons and couples window shopping are off the cards) and the sooner we learn how to deal with it, the saner we'll all become.
Apparently, (or so says author Barbara De Angelis), women have three choices about how to deal with men: get angry, give up entirely ("and buy a dog instead") or decide to "learn everything there is to know about understand and getting along with men". So, in light of taking on De Angelis's advice, I've spent the weekend interviewing the blokes ... and this is what I've come up with. Please feel free to tell me I'm wrong ...
His job comes first - before cuddles, sex and you.
A while back, I dated a man who was out of work (the financial crisis had just hit) and when I'd put too many long hours into my books or columns, drank too many cocktails with the girls or had a gaggle of male friends on speed dial (for work purposes!), he'd belittle and insult me. I knew it wasn't so much my actions that were upsetting him, but rather the fact he felt he had a lack of place and purpose in his life.
Steve Harvey, author of Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man, helped me understand that. In the very first few pages of his book, he explains that, until a man has a title, job and income that he's proud of, he'll never be the man you want him to be. "If we aren't pursuing our dreams or chasing who we are, what we do, and how much we make, we're doomed. Dead," he writes. And until they find that, you are never going to be top priority. So don't even try to change him.
Men want you to talk to them.
Forget all the dating rules, books, regulations and fear of rejection: apparently the poor blokes have it way worse than we do. He's desperate to know if you're interested in him before he goes through the whole painstaking rigmarole of having to ask you out and risk having happen to him the one thing he's most afraid of in life: getting rejected. "I'm a man, I'm not a lion that may bite your head off," "So it's OK to come and say hi."
Forget every calorie you eat - blokes don't care.
While women might be jealous that stick-thin Sarah Jessica Parker can get away with wearing a pink tutu and diamond-encrusted boy-briefs (in public), the men still voted her as one of the most unattractive women in the world. They're more likely to go on a second date with a woman who chooses the steak over the side salad and you can bet your curling iron that he's not expecting muscular upper arms, a Victoria Secret-style six-pack or a butt to rival Kim Kardashian on the girl he's going to marry. He's just not. So stop obsessing about it. "Exercise like anyone else and enjoy a bloody ice-cream chocolate instead of a stupid herbal tea and some celery sticks. Then we'll take you out again."
Can men really do more than one thing at a time?
Martin says: "Sorry what? I'm watching the world cup ... you'll have to ask me that later." (True story.) If men are doing something that is important (sport), dangerous (driving in the snow) or what you are asking really doesn't warrant an answer (like who really is the bad girl on Desperate Housewives) then yes, they can only do one thing at a time. "Other than that we can multi-task well," says Martin. "As men we managed to f--- up the environment, start wars, rip off the poor, mistreat the disadvantaged and convince a variety of folks that our particular space daddy [god] is real. And I am pretty sure some of those things overlapped. So we can definitely multi-task." He has a point there.
Why men don't you LISTEN when you nag.
Here's where "simple" comes in. They're not thinking how they can please you by doing the dishes, folding the laundry or any other silly task you throw their way (which by the way, they probably think is unnecessary anyway). But rather they're thinking about what would be the quickest way to prevent this whole chat from not turning into World War III. Says Martin: "Instead of addressing the issue at hand we say whatever we can think in the moment to prevent you from going nuts, which only gets you more angry because we didn't say what you wanted to hear. Can I promise you I won't leave my underwear on the floor from now on? No I can't, because personally I don't see it as being a big deal. But if you want to discuss that, don't start the conversation by saying how we want different things in life; you come from a different upbringing; maybe having kids wouldn't be a good idea etc etc."
They know when you're desperate ... for their hand in marriage.
Men can't ask for directions, pick up their underwear or remember to buy Jennifer Aniston enough lemons, but there's one thing they're more intuitive about than anything else: a woman who is desperate. If husband hunting is a sport more appealing to you than NFL or bargain shopping, then you'd better find a way to see relationships are men do: as accessories and vacations, not entire careers. But some advice to the blokes from reader Patrick: "Just as you wouldn't try to sell boating products in Mongolia, you shouldn't start a relationship with a 35-year-old and be surprised to discover she wants children. And a ring. Right away."
You don't need new red lacy undergarments for the first night.
Here's a newsflash: men don't know the difference between whether you've just dropped a small fortune on La Perla or whether you've bought your goods from Target. Better yet, as 100 per cent of the men I polled responded: "No underwear would make life a whole lot easier."
Men WILL say no to sex ... occasionally.
But they still expect foreplay anyway. As I read this out aloud while sitting having my hair ironed at the hair salon, a bloke walked past and began to laugh. "That's exactly right!" he exclaimed. "Most of the time, I won't say no. But if I do, then I still expect a little foreplay." Right...
Never believe what a man says when sex is on the cards.
Lyle says that 99 per cent of men definitely lie, cheat or steal, or throw their mothers in front of a bus to get laid. Robert says animals will do whatever they need to in order to survive. And Martin says men will sell their souls to the devil to get it. How's that for making us feel respected?
Men WILL separate sex from a relationship.
Particularly in the time of the booty call buddy and the age of the casual sex generation, women are still getting confused by this little tidbit. Men will have sex without emotional consequences while you may not, so don't let your boundaries fly out the window. Even Lady Gaga has renounced sex, saying it's unnecessary until the right person comes along. At least it's a start.
Men hate condoms.
Men often try to tell you that condoms will kill any romance. Don't buy into it. They all say that. It's your job to deflect it. His hairy situation is his situation - don't try to rectify it. Some women prefer them hairy, others prefer them hairless. But regardless of your personal opinion, never try to get a man to change his. Unless kissing him is like an exercise in dental-flossing, stay away from the snippers when it comes to his body.
Forget forcing him to watch chick flicks.
Men blame their hatred for anything with Hugh Grant in it or Julia Roberts on "poor screenplay and dialogue". But really we know that it's because they fear these flicks will move them emotionally. As for Sex and the City? "Manufactured with no creativity or originality," says Blake. Martin agrees. "What gets us? Samantha is NOT a real person, neither is Miranda! And you can't talk about them as if what happens in their lives is real. It isn't. Sure there are life lessons. We laugh, you cry and we laugh again. But just don't take it too far, it's kinda creepy."
The final word:
Ladies, in a nutshell, I've discovered that some of us (me) need to chill out a little. Let men watch sport, eat in silence, ignore your pleas to have "the talk" and know that men are simple creatures who like to chase women and rub their belly when they've had a feed. Oh, and if you really want to know the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Apparently there is only one way to do it. I'll leave the final word to Martin who says this: "Just wait till we orgasm and then get out your 20 questions and wait for the awful truth to come out. But be warned, the truth isn't always what you thought you wanted to hear ... "
"We're just having fun!" the men will answer. "Why do you women think about things so deeply?" they'll respond. "I'm a simple creature: I say it how it is." Oh, really? While I know every man worth his beige loafers might purport to be some easy-going carefree creature who likes nothing more than to be straight up (and a little dirty), the fact is men are mightily confusing.
I have no idea (most of the time) what their texts mean; if their "coffee" invitation is really a date (or just a test?); why they dump you one minute because they say they "don't want a girlfriend", but are engaged to some floozy the next. After interviewing thousands of men for over half a decade, I've come to one (rather dampening) conclusion: the male species is anything but simple, no matter how many times they tell you they're just into sex, steak, sports, beer, and more sex. Women are confused ... men are confused as to why.
The other day, when I got called over to a girlfriend's house to help her decipher some male behaviour that was being presented to her in the form of weird mixed messages and encrypted Facebook status updates, I noticed there was a book on her shelf titled Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. I decided to borrow it and, after flipping through the first few pages, I quickly realised that it's not so much their behaviour that baffles us, but about how we respond to it that makes all the difference. Boys will be boys (unfortunately Australia's Next Top Model marathons and couples window shopping are off the cards) and the sooner we learn how to deal with it, the saner we'll all become.
Apparently, (or so says author Barbara De Angelis), women have three choices about how to deal with men: get angry, give up entirely ("and buy a dog instead") or decide to "learn everything there is to know about understand and getting along with men". So, in light of taking on De Angelis's advice, I've spent the weekend interviewing the blokes ... and this is what I've come up with. Please feel free to tell me I'm wrong ...
His job comes first - before cuddles, sex and you.
A while back, I dated a man who was out of work (the financial crisis had just hit) and when I'd put too many long hours into my books or columns, drank too many cocktails with the girls or had a gaggle of male friends on speed dial (for work purposes!), he'd belittle and insult me. I knew it wasn't so much my actions that were upsetting him, but rather the fact he felt he had a lack of place and purpose in his life.
Steve Harvey, author of Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man, helped me understand that. In the very first few pages of his book, he explains that, until a man has a title, job and income that he's proud of, he'll never be the man you want him to be. "If we aren't pursuing our dreams or chasing who we are, what we do, and how much we make, we're doomed. Dead," he writes. And until they find that, you are never going to be top priority. So don't even try to change him.
Men want you to talk to them.
Forget all the dating rules, books, regulations and fear of rejection: apparently the poor blokes have it way worse than we do. He's desperate to know if you're interested in him before he goes through the whole painstaking rigmarole of having to ask you out and risk having happen to him the one thing he's most afraid of in life: getting rejected. "I'm a man, I'm not a lion that may bite your head off," "So it's OK to come and say hi."
Forget every calorie you eat - blokes don't care.
While women might be jealous that stick-thin Sarah Jessica Parker can get away with wearing a pink tutu and diamond-encrusted boy-briefs (in public), the men still voted her as one of the most unattractive women in the world. They're more likely to go on a second date with a woman who chooses the steak over the side salad and you can bet your curling iron that he's not expecting muscular upper arms, a Victoria Secret-style six-pack or a butt to rival Kim Kardashian on the girl he's going to marry. He's just not. So stop obsessing about it. "Exercise like anyone else and enjoy a bloody ice-cream chocolate instead of a stupid herbal tea and some celery sticks. Then we'll take you out again."
Can men really do more than one thing at a time?
Martin says: "Sorry what? I'm watching the world cup ... you'll have to ask me that later." (True story.) If men are doing something that is important (sport), dangerous (driving in the snow) or what you are asking really doesn't warrant an answer (like who really is the bad girl on Desperate Housewives) then yes, they can only do one thing at a time. "Other than that we can multi-task well," says Martin. "As men we managed to f--- up the environment, start wars, rip off the poor, mistreat the disadvantaged and convince a variety of folks that our particular space daddy [god] is real. And I am pretty sure some of those things overlapped. So we can definitely multi-task." He has a point there.
Why men don't you LISTEN when you nag.
Here's where "simple" comes in. They're not thinking how they can please you by doing the dishes, folding the laundry or any other silly task you throw their way (which by the way, they probably think is unnecessary anyway). But rather they're thinking about what would be the quickest way to prevent this whole chat from not turning into World War III. Says Martin: "Instead of addressing the issue at hand we say whatever we can think in the moment to prevent you from going nuts, which only gets you more angry because we didn't say what you wanted to hear. Can I promise you I won't leave my underwear on the floor from now on? No I can't, because personally I don't see it as being a big deal. But if you want to discuss that, don't start the conversation by saying how we want different things in life; you come from a different upbringing; maybe having kids wouldn't be a good idea etc etc."
They know when you're desperate ... for their hand in marriage.
Men can't ask for directions, pick up their underwear or remember to buy Jennifer Aniston enough lemons, but there's one thing they're more intuitive about than anything else: a woman who is desperate. If husband hunting is a sport more appealing to you than NFL or bargain shopping, then you'd better find a way to see relationships are men do: as accessories and vacations, not entire careers. But some advice to the blokes from reader Patrick: "Just as you wouldn't try to sell boating products in Mongolia, you shouldn't start a relationship with a 35-year-old and be surprised to discover she wants children. And a ring. Right away."
You don't need new red lacy undergarments for the first night.
Here's a newsflash: men don't know the difference between whether you've just dropped a small fortune on La Perla or whether you've bought your goods from Target. Better yet, as 100 per cent of the men I polled responded: "No underwear would make life a whole lot easier."
Men WILL say no to sex ... occasionally.
But they still expect foreplay anyway. As I read this out aloud while sitting having my hair ironed at the hair salon, a bloke walked past and began to laugh. "That's exactly right!" he exclaimed. "Most of the time, I won't say no. But if I do, then I still expect a little foreplay." Right...
Never believe what a man says when sex is on the cards.
Lyle says that 99 per cent of men definitely lie, cheat or steal, or throw their mothers in front of a bus to get laid. Robert says animals will do whatever they need to in order to survive. And Martin says men will sell their souls to the devil to get it. How's that for making us feel respected?
Men WILL separate sex from a relationship.
Particularly in the time of the booty call buddy and the age of the casual sex generation, women are still getting confused by this little tidbit. Men will have sex without emotional consequences while you may not, so don't let your boundaries fly out the window. Even Lady Gaga has renounced sex, saying it's unnecessary until the right person comes along. At least it's a start.
Men hate condoms.
Men often try to tell you that condoms will kill any romance. Don't buy into it. They all say that. It's your job to deflect it. His hairy situation is his situation - don't try to rectify it. Some women prefer them hairy, others prefer them hairless. But regardless of your personal opinion, never try to get a man to change his. Unless kissing him is like an exercise in dental-flossing, stay away from the snippers when it comes to his body.
Forget forcing him to watch chick flicks.
Men blame their hatred for anything with Hugh Grant in it or Julia Roberts on "poor screenplay and dialogue". But really we know that it's because they fear these flicks will move them emotionally. As for Sex and the City? "Manufactured with no creativity or originality," says Blake. Martin agrees. "What gets us? Samantha is NOT a real person, neither is Miranda! And you can't talk about them as if what happens in their lives is real. It isn't. Sure there are life lessons. We laugh, you cry and we laugh again. But just don't take it too far, it's kinda creepy."
The final word:
Ladies, in a nutshell, I've discovered that some of us (me) need to chill out a little. Let men watch sport, eat in silence, ignore your pleas to have "the talk" and know that men are simple creatures who like to chase women and rub their belly when they've had a feed. Oh, and if you really want to know the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Apparently there is only one way to do it. I'll leave the final word to Martin who says this: "Just wait till we orgasm and then get out your 20 questions and wait for the awful truth to come out. But be warned, the truth isn't always what you thought you wanted to hear ... "
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