The other night I sat chatting to a group of men – all of whom were in their early 30s ... and all of whom were divorced.
The first told me that, when he said his vows, he had no doubt it was all going to work out … till death do them part.
"I was convinced she was 'the one'," he told me. "I was so in love and was 100 per cent certain about her. But one year later, everything had changed."
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The second man said that, at the exact same moment during his wedding ceremony, he wasn't as entirely convinced as his mate.
He told me: "At that moment I said a prayer to God. I said, 'Please God, may this work out.' Because I just didn't think it was going to. Unfortunately, I was right. One year later we were over."
So what changes? How can one piece of paper shift the dynamics so vastly from blissful to broken? Are the women to blame? Are they letting go of themselves once they get hitched? Do the men start to feel trapped? Do the mystery, passion and connection evaporate once a couple start living together and life gets in the way? Or is it just a cop-out for men who feel they don't need to be married anyway (with marriage no longer being a prerequisite for sex, kids and living together), so they exit stage left, blame the women and get off scot-free?
My beautician Harriet says she sees this sort of thing happen all too often among her married clients. She says that, since marriage is the ideal goal (yes, I know, it's not for everyone, but do a survey and you'll most likely find that most women aspire to getting hitched), many women will pressure the dude into doing it.
Hence the man often feels trapped, coerced or hard done by once he realises it's not what he expected and that everything the woman promised during their courtship has flown right out the window.
"Women stop panicking once they are married," Harriet says. "I guess that maybe men think that women stop making an effort and start nagging more once they're married. And then the men freak out because they feel trapped. Which is why they withdraw. And then the women wonder why their man has suddenly become distant. But if they were just in a relationship without the piece of paper, maybe the men wouldn't feel so trapped and the women wouldn't become complacent, boring or act like shrews."
Is it the women's fault?
Of course women are the easy scapegoat when it comes to men making a quick exit from a marriage. The man will say that she nags too much, no longer makes an effort with her appearance, doesn't treat him with the respect he feels he deserves and, of course, the big reason: no more sex. And, in case you think I'm being a little harsh on the blokes, there are even stats to back up this train of male thought.
In a survey of 4000 respondents of both sexes carried out by Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, M.A for their book titled He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex. And What You Can Do About It, 68 per cent of the blokes said their marriages were ruined because their wives were "not being adventurous enough" in the bedroom, while 38 per cent said it was their wives' "weight gain" that turned them off having sex. (Only 30 per cent admitted it was their fault - citing erectile dysfunction.)
Either way, my mate Ed reckons he's found a solution. He's married with kids, and does what he wants on the side with whomever he wants without getting emotionally attached or letting his wife in on his transgressions.
"That's just who I am," he tells me, refusing to believe that what he does is adultery. "I love sex and I'm going to have it," he insists. "I've learnt to accept that about myself."
Does Ed have a happy marriage? Or have his actions (albeit secret) killed their relationship, bond, love and romance?
"Absolutely not," he says with conviction. "We're still great together."
So why did he get married? I have no bloody idea …
Marriage doesn't happen for everyone
I have a 30-something female colleague whom we'll call Beth, who has surmised that not everyone's life has a happy ending. That some of us just never find love. And that's the way it is. As sad as it may seem, she might be right. After all, according to stats out of Britain, there are fewer weddings taking place than the lowest number recorded since 1895. And with so many divorces, there are more people unwilling to dip their toes into the icy water of marriage, let alone enter into a long-term relationship.
But perhaps the problem isn't that marriage kills a relationship, but rather that people have too many expectations of what a happy marriage actually entails. Because, when you're together with someone for such a long period of time and real life does get in the way, it becomes so much more than sex, love and passion. It becomes a partnership ... a team ... a lifelong commitment. And for many these days, that's just too hard a pill to swallow.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Are modern women barking up the wrong age-appropriate tree?
There's a new trend on the dating block and it's getting younger women's knickers all wound up in a knot. It's not the fact that there are a surplus of players, cheating cads or too many expectations of casual sex on the first date that are getting young modern femmes in a tizzy. Instead, it's that they're being overlooked … for older women.
I've never dated a much younger man. But seeing my girlfriend go all googly-eyed over a man who is at least 10 years her junior is making me wonder: have too many women for way too long been barking up the wrong, seemingly age-appropriate, tree? And have the tables finally turned? Are the younger women being shunned for their older - albeit more sophisticated, less desperate - single counterparts?
My girlfriend is not a cougar (which by definition is a woman over 40 who actively seeks out younger men for sex). Nor is she a desperate singleton who can't meet a man. Nor is she on the hunt for a toy boy. Oh no. Instead, she's the type of gal who has men flocking all over her and can't bat them away fast enough despite the fact she's mastered the art of the cold-shoulder. But when a younger man started to woo her relentlessly, suddenly things began getting mightily exciting.
Because here's the thing: younger men aren't jaded. They haven't been heartbroken (yet), they haven't been played, dumped or manipulated and they're not into games (or at least they haven't yet discovered how exactly to play them). Instead, they simply do what they feel like when they feel like doing it without fear of consequences, rejection or judgment.
When I ask my girlfriend how the relationship is progressing, she tells me that what's keeping them together is being at a similar stage in life.
"We're both progressing in our careers and are fired up about life. We both want to travel and explore the world. That's why it's working," she says.
But there's more. It seems to me that younger men dote on older women, aren't afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves, are eager to please and - even more beneficial - are eager to learn.
Which puts older men - and younger women - at a disadvantage when it comes to the modern dating game. Or any dating game for that matter. Or at least if Benjamin Franklin's reasoning is anything to go by. Long before Desperate Housewives, Cougar Town and Demi Moore, Franklin appeared to realise the value of dating an older woman when he wrote a letter to a friend, giving him the following advice:
"In all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these: Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable. Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman."
But let's get real here: is the appeal simply the lure of better sex? Are older women more likely to give it up sooner than younger women? And are they really better at it?
Miss Cougar Canada Alison Brown (yes, there is such a thing as a cougar competition) says the answer is a definitive no.
She told Time magazine this: "What I've noticed on dating sites today is that younger men are coming on to me, and it's not just because we're 'easy marks' for sex. It's because we're successful, intelligent, looking great and we don't play games like so many of the younger girls they date."
Case in point is what one younger man told me about dating an older women: "It's not about the sex - although it's usually fantastic - but it's about the ability to be intellectually stimulated outside the bedroom that makes it all the more appealing."
Many, including Michael Dunn, a noted psychology researcher at the University of Wales Institute in Cardiff, believe the notion of the cougar is indeed a myth. They say not that many women are seeking younger men, but are looking instead for any partner who ticks most of the boxes. I think that perhaps we should start to look outside our age-gap box.
Because if it's flowers, attention and good sex you're after, sometimes it's the ones who don't tick the boxes on your checklists that end up being the best partners in real life after all ...
What do you think?
I've never dated a much younger man. But seeing my girlfriend go all googly-eyed over a man who is at least 10 years her junior is making me wonder: have too many women for way too long been barking up the wrong, seemingly age-appropriate, tree? And have the tables finally turned? Are the younger women being shunned for their older - albeit more sophisticated, less desperate - single counterparts?
My girlfriend is not a cougar (which by definition is a woman over 40 who actively seeks out younger men for sex). Nor is she a desperate singleton who can't meet a man. Nor is she on the hunt for a toy boy. Oh no. Instead, she's the type of gal who has men flocking all over her and can't bat them away fast enough despite the fact she's mastered the art of the cold-shoulder. But when a younger man started to woo her relentlessly, suddenly things began getting mightily exciting.
Because here's the thing: younger men aren't jaded. They haven't been heartbroken (yet), they haven't been played, dumped or manipulated and they're not into games (or at least they haven't yet discovered how exactly to play them). Instead, they simply do what they feel like when they feel like doing it without fear of consequences, rejection or judgment.
When I ask my girlfriend how the relationship is progressing, she tells me that what's keeping them together is being at a similar stage in life.
"We're both progressing in our careers and are fired up about life. We both want to travel and explore the world. That's why it's working," she says.
But there's more. It seems to me that younger men dote on older women, aren't afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves, are eager to please and - even more beneficial - are eager to learn.
Which puts older men - and younger women - at a disadvantage when it comes to the modern dating game. Or any dating game for that matter. Or at least if Benjamin Franklin's reasoning is anything to go by. Long before Desperate Housewives, Cougar Town and Demi Moore, Franklin appeared to realise the value of dating an older woman when he wrote a letter to a friend, giving him the following advice:
"In all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these: Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable. Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman."
But let's get real here: is the appeal simply the lure of better sex? Are older women more likely to give it up sooner than younger women? And are they really better at it?
Miss Cougar Canada Alison Brown (yes, there is such a thing as a cougar competition) says the answer is a definitive no.
She told Time magazine this: "What I've noticed on dating sites today is that younger men are coming on to me, and it's not just because we're 'easy marks' for sex. It's because we're successful, intelligent, looking great and we don't play games like so many of the younger girls they date."
Case in point is what one younger man told me about dating an older women: "It's not about the sex - although it's usually fantastic - but it's about the ability to be intellectually stimulated outside the bedroom that makes it all the more appealing."
Many, including Michael Dunn, a noted psychology researcher at the University of Wales Institute in Cardiff, believe the notion of the cougar is indeed a myth. They say not that many women are seeking younger men, but are looking instead for any partner who ticks most of the boxes. I think that perhaps we should start to look outside our age-gap box.
Because if it's flowers, attention and good sex you're after, sometimes it's the ones who don't tick the boxes on your checklists that end up being the best partners in real life after all ...
What do you think?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
What the bloody hell are men thinking?
Most women have one gripe in common when it comes to romantic relationships: they'll never understand men.
"If you don't understand us, there's something wrong with you," one man often tells me. "We're basically one step up from a caveman."
But it's not our fault either. Sometimes men are rude, unresponsive or moody, only to turn around later (after we've been sobbing to our mates for hours) to tell us they were simply hungry, horny or tired. My gay friend Kurt reckons that the more straight-forward, realistic, honest and balanced you are with a man, the more he takes advantage and gives you the opposite reaction back. "They're like children," he says. "They take advantage of you. Reward bad behaviour by being nice and they get worse. You can't win."
Sure, blokes are notorious for not wearing their hearts on their sleeves, for not saying it like it is (or at least that's how we perceive it because men think they're always straightforward), for stringing us along (which they claim is not their fault but rather ours for falling in love with them too soon) and then having it all blow up in our faces when they finally tell us the truth: they simply aren't ready for a girlfriend.
So I was intrigued to say the least, when I read that author Zoe Strimpel spent a year undercover interviewing hundreds of men, in the hope of coming up with explanations for their strange behaviours and foibles. The result? A book titled What the Hell is He Thinking? which aims to debunk some of the myths we associate with the men in our lives. See what you think ….
MYTH: Men get over their exes right away.
TRUTH: Men find it far harder to get over their exes than women do.
I often marvel at the ability of recently dumped blokes to get over their exes faster than a speeding bullet. But Strimpel reckons it's not as easy for them as they make it out to be. They're just better at hiding their feelings. "Because they don't feel able to discuss their emotions with their mates as we do with ours, it's hard for them to really get out all their hurt and move on, so the emotional pain festers," says Strimpel. "Whereas we tend to cry for weeks, then start to feel better, a guy will keep quiet, shag around, then realise he hasn't moved on when you're already out with the next guy."
MYTH: If you hang around a guy for long enough, he'll commit to you.
TRUTH: Many men string along women for two to three months without ever intending to have a relationship.
What is it with a man stringing a woman along for three months or so, only to say he never really wanted a girlfriend in the first place and that he no longer wants to see her … ever again?
While women are notorious for doing the "fantasy jump" (imagining the white wedding and the names of their kids after a few dates), some men seem to do the opposite. Call them commitment-phobes but the more intense things become, the more they back off, believing that the relationship is going to be a mammoth threat to their freedom, their sex life and their bachelor pad. Hence they rationalise they better exit stage left, and fast, before – heaven forbid! – things actually start to become serious.
Adam, 31, calls these men "Casanovas" and tells Strimpel this: "Casanovas teach themselves how to make women fall for them, because they weren't always the smoothies they are now. They get off on the validation of getting it right over and over, but don't care about a long-term result - and they're cold perfectionists."
MYTH: Men who cheat can reform.
TRUTH: Your mother was right: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I thought this was about right when a married bloke told me the other night he was "interested", to which I replied, "Not a chance in hell mate." He couldn't understand my answer. "Thirty other women have been with me while I've been married and haven't cared about the ring," he responded, thinking that would make it OK. It wouldn't.
Strimpel says that the surprising thing that came out of her research was that, even if you're "the other woman" and think you're so special that you rescued some dude from his fledgling relationship or boring life of matrimony, don't think that he won't do it to you, too. He will. And he'll do it again and again. Apparently (according to the blokes she interviewed) the saying is true: once a cheater, always a cheater. Because blokes do it, there's nothing to stop them from trying it again.
MYTH: When your boyfriend starts to act distant and weird, it's because he's hungry or stressed.
FACT: Men act weird when they want out of the relationship but don't want to be confrontational so they hope you'll dump them first instead.
We're so often told that, when a man becomes distant, he's hungry, wants sex or is stressed. But sometimes Strimpel says the answer is a little more complex: he's no longer interested in the relationship and is hoping that if he acts like a douchebag long enough, you'll dump him first instead. Ouch.
MYTH: Men hate it when we talk too much.
FACT: Men love it when we say certain things.
Following in Strimpel's footsteps, I decided to carry out my own research and, over the past few days, have been carrying out a poll which involves asking men about the phrases they love to hear coming out of our mouths. This is what the men have told me. Feel free to add to the list ...
"You're right."
"Size doesn't matter."
"Will you help me unscrew this?"
"Your [insert body part] is amazing."
"I love your bald head / grey hair."
"You are so good at [insert action here]."
"Dinner will be on the table when you get home ... served naked … by me."
"Anything that involves us being fed or getting laid ... "
Enough said!
"If you don't understand us, there's something wrong with you," one man often tells me. "We're basically one step up from a caveman."
But it's not our fault either. Sometimes men are rude, unresponsive or moody, only to turn around later (after we've been sobbing to our mates for hours) to tell us they were simply hungry, horny or tired. My gay friend Kurt reckons that the more straight-forward, realistic, honest and balanced you are with a man, the more he takes advantage and gives you the opposite reaction back. "They're like children," he says. "They take advantage of you. Reward bad behaviour by being nice and they get worse. You can't win."
Sure, blokes are notorious for not wearing their hearts on their sleeves, for not saying it like it is (or at least that's how we perceive it because men think they're always straightforward), for stringing us along (which they claim is not their fault but rather ours for falling in love with them too soon) and then having it all blow up in our faces when they finally tell us the truth: they simply aren't ready for a girlfriend.
So I was intrigued to say the least, when I read that author Zoe Strimpel spent a year undercover interviewing hundreds of men, in the hope of coming up with explanations for their strange behaviours and foibles. The result? A book titled What the Hell is He Thinking? which aims to debunk some of the myths we associate with the men in our lives. See what you think ….
MYTH: Men get over their exes right away.
TRUTH: Men find it far harder to get over their exes than women do.
I often marvel at the ability of recently dumped blokes to get over their exes faster than a speeding bullet. But Strimpel reckons it's not as easy for them as they make it out to be. They're just better at hiding their feelings. "Because they don't feel able to discuss their emotions with their mates as we do with ours, it's hard for them to really get out all their hurt and move on, so the emotional pain festers," says Strimpel. "Whereas we tend to cry for weeks, then start to feel better, a guy will keep quiet, shag around, then realise he hasn't moved on when you're already out with the next guy."
MYTH: If you hang around a guy for long enough, he'll commit to you.
TRUTH: Many men string along women for two to three months without ever intending to have a relationship.
What is it with a man stringing a woman along for three months or so, only to say he never really wanted a girlfriend in the first place and that he no longer wants to see her … ever again?
While women are notorious for doing the "fantasy jump" (imagining the white wedding and the names of their kids after a few dates), some men seem to do the opposite. Call them commitment-phobes but the more intense things become, the more they back off, believing that the relationship is going to be a mammoth threat to their freedom, their sex life and their bachelor pad. Hence they rationalise they better exit stage left, and fast, before – heaven forbid! – things actually start to become serious.
Adam, 31, calls these men "Casanovas" and tells Strimpel this: "Casanovas teach themselves how to make women fall for them, because they weren't always the smoothies they are now. They get off on the validation of getting it right over and over, but don't care about a long-term result - and they're cold perfectionists."
MYTH: Men who cheat can reform.
TRUTH: Your mother was right: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I thought this was about right when a married bloke told me the other night he was "interested", to which I replied, "Not a chance in hell mate." He couldn't understand my answer. "Thirty other women have been with me while I've been married and haven't cared about the ring," he responded, thinking that would make it OK. It wouldn't.
Strimpel says that the surprising thing that came out of her research was that, even if you're "the other woman" and think you're so special that you rescued some dude from his fledgling relationship or boring life of matrimony, don't think that he won't do it to you, too. He will. And he'll do it again and again. Apparently (according to the blokes she interviewed) the saying is true: once a cheater, always a cheater. Because blokes do it, there's nothing to stop them from trying it again.
MYTH: When your boyfriend starts to act distant and weird, it's because he's hungry or stressed.
FACT: Men act weird when they want out of the relationship but don't want to be confrontational so they hope you'll dump them first instead.
We're so often told that, when a man becomes distant, he's hungry, wants sex or is stressed. But sometimes Strimpel says the answer is a little more complex: he's no longer interested in the relationship and is hoping that if he acts like a douchebag long enough, you'll dump him first instead. Ouch.
MYTH: Men hate it when we talk too much.
FACT: Men love it when we say certain things.
Following in Strimpel's footsteps, I decided to carry out my own research and, over the past few days, have been carrying out a poll which involves asking men about the phrases they love to hear coming out of our mouths. This is what the men have told me. Feel free to add to the list ...
"You're right."
"Size doesn't matter."
"Will you help me unscrew this?"
"Your [insert body part] is amazing."
"I love your bald head / grey hair."
"You are so good at [insert action here]."
"Dinner will be on the table when you get home ... served naked … by me."
"Anything that involves us being fed or getting laid ... "
Enough said!
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