Does marriage kill a love?

The other night I sat chatting to a group of men – all of whom were in their early 30s ... and all of whom were divorced.

The first told me that, when he said his vows, he had no doubt it was all going to work out … till death do them part.

"I was convinced she was 'the one'," he told me. "I was so in love and was 100 per cent certain about her. But one year later, everything had changed."
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The second man said that, at the exact same moment during his wedding ceremony, he wasn't as entirely convinced as his mate.

He told me: "At that moment I said a prayer to God. I said, 'Please God, may this work out.' Because I just didn't think it was going to. Unfortunately, I was right. One year later we were over."

So what changes? How can one piece of paper shift the dynamics so vastly from blissful to broken? Are the women to blame? Are they letting go of themselves once they get hitched? Do the men start to feel trapped? Do the mystery, passion and connection evaporate once a couple start living together and life gets in the way? Or is it just a cop-out for men who feel they don't need to be married anyway (with marriage no longer being a prerequisite for sex, kids and living together), so they exit stage left, blame the women and get off scot-free?

My beautician Harriet says she sees this sort of thing happen all too often among her married clients. She says that, since marriage is the ideal goal (yes, I know, it's not for everyone, but do a survey and you'll most likely find that most women aspire to getting hitched), many women will pressure the dude into doing it.

Hence the man often feels trapped, coerced or hard done by once he realises it's not what he expected and that everything the woman promised during their courtship has flown right out the window.

"Women stop panicking once they are married," Harriet says. "I guess that maybe men think that women stop making an effort and start nagging more once they're married. And then the men freak out because they feel trapped. Which is why they withdraw. And then the women wonder why their man has suddenly become distant. But if they were just in a relationship without the piece of paper, maybe the men wouldn't feel so trapped and the women wouldn't become complacent, boring or act like shrews."

Is it the women's fault?

Of course women are the easy scapegoat when it comes to men making a quick exit from a marriage. The man will say that she nags too much, no longer makes an effort with her appearance, doesn't treat him with the respect he feels he deserves and, of course, the big reason: no more sex. And, in case you think I'm being a little harsh on the blokes, there are even stats to back up this train of male thought.

In a survey of 4000 respondents of both sexes carried out by Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, M.A for their book titled He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex. And What You Can Do About It, 68 per cent of the blokes said their marriages were ruined because their wives were "not being adventurous enough" in the bedroom, while 38 per cent said it was their wives' "weight gain" that turned them off having sex. (Only 30 per cent admitted it was their fault - citing erectile dysfunction.)

Either way, my mate Ed reckons he's found a solution. He's married with kids, and does what he wants on the side with whomever he wants without getting emotionally attached or letting his wife in on his transgressions.

"That's just who I am," he tells me, refusing to believe that what he does is adultery. "I love sex and I'm going to have it," he insists. "I've learnt to accept that about myself."

Does Ed have a happy marriage? Or have his actions (albeit secret) killed their relationship, bond, love and romance?

"Absolutely not," he says with conviction. "We're still great together."

So why did he get married? I have no bloody idea …

Marriage doesn't happen for everyone

I have a 30-something female colleague whom we'll call Beth, who has surmised that not everyone's life has a happy ending. That some of us just never find love. And that's the way it is. As sad as it may seem, she might be right. After all, according to stats out of Britain, there are fewer weddings taking place than the lowest number recorded since 1895. And with so many divorces, there are more people unwilling to dip their toes into the icy water of marriage, let alone enter into a long-term relationship.

But perhaps the problem isn't that marriage kills a relationship, but rather that people have too many expectations of what a happy marriage actually entails. Because, when you're together with someone for such a long period of time and real life does get in the way, it becomes so much more than sex, love and passion. It becomes a partnership ... a team ... a lifelong commitment. And for many these days, that's just too hard a pill to swallow.