I was out at a club on Saturday night and I wasn't happy. Half the people in the dimly lit room were kissing (drunken and sloppy), others were looking fearful and forlorn (as their eyes darted around the room in the desperate hope that someone drunken and sloppy out there would look their way) and the rest were asking me where my "boyfriend" was.
I smiled, sculling the rest of my mojito. "Oh you will," they said. "It's just around the corner. Guaranteed." Really? Is it really guaranteed that you'll find true love and live happily ever after?
The truth is that I meet diverse groups of people all the time. And it always intrigues me to discover that everyone has different views about whether or not there's such a thing as a soul mate or "the one".
Will everyone find true love? Or are some of us doomed to be single forever?
While many are optimists and believers who are living in hope that true love is indeed "just around the corner", there are the cynical among them who aren't entirely sure if they'll ever meet someone. Ever.
"Not all of us are going to have happy endings," one girlfriend told me over pizzas the other night. "Some of us are just not ever going to be happy in a relationship sense … ever."
What?! No hope at all? "No, I'm too old and have dated way too many men to believe in any of it. For some of us, it's just never going to happen."
Her negative sentiment reminded me of the results I read about from an American poll last year for AOL Living and Women's Day, which found that a staggering 50 per cent of women regretted marrying their husbands; 52 per cent admitted they did not believe in the fairy tale ending and a whopping 72 per cent said they had considered leaving their husbands at some point. Yeouch.
Which got me thinking: while many of us hope that true love is "just around the corner" and that we'll all meet that amazing person when we "least expect it", can we really live in such hope? Or are we being eternal optimists? And ... is there every chance that we'll end up wanting to run a mile once we get him?
One divorced woman told me that she met and married the love of her life, divorced him and is now going to be single forever more. "No one matches up," she said. "I've had my shot at true love. I married him. I messed it up. Now it's never going to happen again."
At 45, with two kids in tow, she might just have a point.
Another divorcee, who is approaching 60 and, after a bad marriage, is having the time of her life traveling the world, believes there is no way in hell she's ever going to meet someone else.
"My time has passed," she told me. "I'm not even bothering any more."
But then there's me: at 26 I've met and dated the love of my life for longer than most people's marriages. Which leads me to the question: can you meet "the one" twice in one lifetime? Or is it never going to happen again? Have I missed my opportunity at ever finding it a second time around? And why is it so important anyway?
For women, it's biological. In fact, finding a mate is subconsciously of utmost importance because we're supposed to be hard-wired to constantly be on the lookout for a man to invest in our offspring.
For men it's a little different. Do they even care? Or are they content in knowing that with all the casual sex that's available, they don't actually need to bother with all the soul mate hoo-hah?
One eternal bachelor with the nom de plume "A Rebel" certainly concurs. He wrote in an article the other day that there's actually no need for him to marry or take the plunge into a relationship at all. In fact he's happy being an eternal bachelor and wouldn't want it any other way.
He says his main reasons for wanting to stay single are: the sex gets boring after doing it with the same person for more than a year, people inevitably cheat or fall out of love, and they take half your things if you break up or divorce.
Scientifically speaking, maybe A Rebel is above average in the looks department.
Or at least that would accord with a theory of Peter K. Jonason, a "booty-call expert" (yep, he's done a scientific study on the topic), who says that the less attractive a person sees themselves, the keener they are to settle down and tie the knot.
As Jonason told Salon.com: "For men who settle down quickly [they think this]: If I'm really ugly, I don't really have the value to go out and get lots of women to have sex with. I have to commit to the first woman who is willing. I have to settle sooner because I don't have value in the negotiation process."
But back to the soul mate debate. As someone wise once said to me: "There is a lid for every pot." But, in reality, is there? Or are we just being naïve?
Helen Fisher of Rutgers University said we are indeed "wired to find love" and that finding your soul mate is not only possible, it's inevitable.
And millions of people obviously believe in it … scouring the internet for their soul mates night after night. But when they're most expecting it, will it ever really happen?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Dating the animal magnetism of bad boys
Why do good girls date bad boys? And I'm not talking about bad boys in the sense of the type of men who don't call back, shag your best mate or forget your birthday. Oh no, I'm talking about a different subset of blokes – ones who sport a bevy of tattoos, are in and out of jail, ride motorbikes, have flashy cars, wear gold chains and carry multiple mobile phones. I often wonder what makes these women want to date these men, but when my beautician friend confided to me about her new boyfriend the other day, I listened in awe.
Hailing from a well-to-do family, she had found her private school upbringing boring and the men in her neighbourhood drab and dull. She wasn't sure how she'd ever meet someone who captured her attention for more than a few dates. That was until she met a bloke we'll call J.
"I have always been attracted to the rough look," she says. "I find it super sexy. Plus, when you date these sorts of men, you feel safe and protected."
J isn't the type of bloke you'd want to bring home to your mum. Not to give too much away, let's just say that somewhere along the way he took a wrong turn, ended up in and out of jail and hangs out with a crowd you'd be scared to walk by in the streets.
So the fact that she feels "safe" and "protected" when she's around him has me a little baffled. Seriously? When police are unexpectedly raiding your bloke's house in the middle of the night, when he's getting death threats, is out on bail and simply walking down the street or sitting in his car is more dangerous than the threat of swine flu, can you really say that you feel protected being in his presence?
She couldn't answer. But I felt as if I was getting a little closer to the core of the issue when she explained that J was the first man she'd dated who she'd felt wasn't a "pushover" or a "wet blanket".
"I've always had control in relationships and I hate it. I always feel like their mothers. For the first time a guy is taking care of me … and it feels nice."
Right. But does she really want to bring her kids up in an environment in which at any moment her man can be sent to jail and her family will be left without a father?
"Of course I don't want that," she snaps. "But I want to be with him. I know he'll always take care of me and protect me."
But no matter how "safe" women feel in the arms of a man who has more muscles than Hulk Hogan, I thought back to the film Animal Kingdom, where [SPOILER ALERT AHEAD!] an innocent girl gets killed ... for dating a man who was hanging out with the wrong crowd.
And who can forget when Swedish former waitress Charlotte Lindstrom got thrown in jail after falling in love with a drug manufacturer and subsequently got caught up in a major murder-plot scandal?
So why do so many women put themselves smack in the centre of these tumultuous worlds? Is it for the thrill? The excitement? The threat of danger? Are they addicted to the drama?
"It's the whole Bonnie and Clyde phenomenon turned into modern-day dating," explains journalist Simona Siad in an article for The Star newspaper in Toronto.
"And the streets have a name for the girls who can handle such an extreme form of love. They are 'ride or die chicks'."
The journalist quotes associate professor of women's studies at Syracuse University, Gwendolyn Pough, who said that a "ride or die chick" was a girl who would do anything for her man.
"She will put the gun in her purse, she will hide the cash, she will hide the gloves and she will drive the getaway car. Whatever she needs to do for him, she will do … I think a lot of girls do buy into it," Pough was quoted as saying.
The article goes on to detail the psychological appeal of it all: these blokes are really "nice" at the beginning, offer to do anything for you and come across as extremely doting, kind, generous and protective.
My beautician friend can attest to that. "At the beginning he waited ages even just to kiss me. He was so chivalrous. It was refreshing," she said.
New York-based psychotherapist Robi Ludwig and author of Till Death do us part: Love, marriage and the mind of a killer, gave an interview to Larry King on CNN about women who date and marry men in prison.
She said there are studies showing that women who get involved with these men find them very seductive and attentive. Especially when they get locked up.
"They can really give attention to a woman in a way that a man who's busy in life really can't. You know, a man who has a job, is working, is juggling children, paying bills, is frazzled, is going out with the guys, has a lot of freedom, probably won't focus on a woman in the way that a man in prison will."
While to most of us that sounds about as appealing as chewing our own toenails, perhaps for women who haven't had too much luck in love or life, a man stuck in one location for many years to come is more reliable than the average bloke who might be out with his mates or swanning around with other women.
As for the women who live by the "ride or die" mentality? I just hope they get out ... before it's too late ...
Hailing from a well-to-do family, she had found her private school upbringing boring and the men in her neighbourhood drab and dull. She wasn't sure how she'd ever meet someone who captured her attention for more than a few dates. That was until she met a bloke we'll call J.
"I have always been attracted to the rough look," she says. "I find it super sexy. Plus, when you date these sorts of men, you feel safe and protected."
J isn't the type of bloke you'd want to bring home to your mum. Not to give too much away, let's just say that somewhere along the way he took a wrong turn, ended up in and out of jail and hangs out with a crowd you'd be scared to walk by in the streets.
So the fact that she feels "safe" and "protected" when she's around him has me a little baffled. Seriously? When police are unexpectedly raiding your bloke's house in the middle of the night, when he's getting death threats, is out on bail and simply walking down the street or sitting in his car is more dangerous than the threat of swine flu, can you really say that you feel protected being in his presence?
She couldn't answer. But I felt as if I was getting a little closer to the core of the issue when she explained that J was the first man she'd dated who she'd felt wasn't a "pushover" or a "wet blanket".
"I've always had control in relationships and I hate it. I always feel like their mothers. For the first time a guy is taking care of me … and it feels nice."
Right. But does she really want to bring her kids up in an environment in which at any moment her man can be sent to jail and her family will be left without a father?
"Of course I don't want that," she snaps. "But I want to be with him. I know he'll always take care of me and protect me."
But no matter how "safe" women feel in the arms of a man who has more muscles than Hulk Hogan, I thought back to the film Animal Kingdom, where [SPOILER ALERT AHEAD!] an innocent girl gets killed ... for dating a man who was hanging out with the wrong crowd.
And who can forget when Swedish former waitress Charlotte Lindstrom got thrown in jail after falling in love with a drug manufacturer and subsequently got caught up in a major murder-plot scandal?
So why do so many women put themselves smack in the centre of these tumultuous worlds? Is it for the thrill? The excitement? The threat of danger? Are they addicted to the drama?
"It's the whole Bonnie and Clyde phenomenon turned into modern-day dating," explains journalist Simona Siad in an article for The Star newspaper in Toronto.
"And the streets have a name for the girls who can handle such an extreme form of love. They are 'ride or die chicks'."
The journalist quotes associate professor of women's studies at Syracuse University, Gwendolyn Pough, who said that a "ride or die chick" was a girl who would do anything for her man.
"She will put the gun in her purse, she will hide the cash, she will hide the gloves and she will drive the getaway car. Whatever she needs to do for him, she will do … I think a lot of girls do buy into it," Pough was quoted as saying.
The article goes on to detail the psychological appeal of it all: these blokes are really "nice" at the beginning, offer to do anything for you and come across as extremely doting, kind, generous and protective.
My beautician friend can attest to that. "At the beginning he waited ages even just to kiss me. He was so chivalrous. It was refreshing," she said.
New York-based psychotherapist Robi Ludwig and author of Till Death do us part: Love, marriage and the mind of a killer, gave an interview to Larry King on CNN about women who date and marry men in prison.
She said there are studies showing that women who get involved with these men find them very seductive and attentive. Especially when they get locked up.
"They can really give attention to a woman in a way that a man who's busy in life really can't. You know, a man who has a job, is working, is juggling children, paying bills, is frazzled, is going out with the guys, has a lot of freedom, probably won't focus on a woman in the way that a man in prison will."
While to most of us that sounds about as appealing as chewing our own toenails, perhaps for women who haven't had too much luck in love or life, a man stuck in one location for many years to come is more reliable than the average bloke who might be out with his mates or swanning around with other women.
As for the women who live by the "ride or die" mentality? I just hope they get out ... before it's too late ...
Monday, August 2, 2010
Ten Dating Commandments
I hate rules. I don't diet, can't stand a schedule and the words "office hours" are non-existent in my lexicon. So you can imagine my disdain at being newly single and suddenly discovering more rules and regulations than if you were being recruited into the Secret Service. (Is it really all supposed to be that hard?)
There's booty call buddy etiquette (don't get jealous when they meet someone they actually like), casual dating regulations (don't whine when they don't call you), when to kiss (apparently not on the first date if you want a certain level of respect), what to say if you don't want a second date (without busting their poor egos) and when, how or what to text back. (Don't even start me on the text lingo!)
Oh, and don't even dare make a mistake or you'll be scoffed at and berated by well-meaning friends who quite simply cannot understand why the heck you (especially if you're a dating columnist) don't already know that you aren't supposed to tell him about the time your ex shagged your best friend or that you dumped your last date via a drunken text message. Oops.
"Don't you know this stuff by now?"' shocked friends will ask with a frown, appalled at your dating behaviour. "Isn't it obvious that you're not supposed to do that on the second date?" they'll continue, looking at you like an alien from another planet who has never met a person of the opposite sex before now and unsure of why you can't quite get your head around what a silly Facebook poke really means.
The more they laugh at your mistakes, the more confusing things get. Because here's the thing about following other people's rules in your own situations: their advice (laced with good intentions) might not be the best fit for your own scenario and pretty quickly you find yourself having to backtrack majorly just to get back on track again.
And the more mistakes you make, the more you actually start to believe that perhaps it's really you who is the freaking problem and not the douchebag men you choose - they're just reacting to your bizarre actions! And pretty soon you start to think that maybe you really are getting this whole dating thing wrong and that for some reason you missed the memo on how to behave in the town of singletons.
So what's a gal to do?
Aussie singer Am8er (real name Amber De Vogt) has an idea. Teaming up with US rapper 'Lil Kim, she's written a song that says if you want to keep a guy "whipped" and "coming back for more", then there are 10 dating commandments that should be followed stringently without swaying. Now while I don't agree with everything she says, (remember what I said about my abhorrence for rules?) perhaps some of her thoughts have some merit (especially since the blokes I've just interviewed actually didn't mind many of her commandments). So see what you think. Her commandments from her song lyrics are in bold, and a summary of the male opinions from the poll I took is below each...
1. Never give him some on the first night
"A little kissing is OK and a good tease for the future, but sex is a no-no. I could never seriously date a girl who sleeps with me on the first date."
2. Never bring your man around your crew
"At first, this makes sense but further into the relationship this is a big red flag. Either she's ashamed of her friends or of me, and neither is good."
3. Never call him first; let him call you
"I don't buy into rules about who should call or how long you should wait to call. If you like someone and you felt a connection, don't play games and call when you feel the urge. Having said that, don't call first thing in the morning the next day after the first date."
4. Never let him know your every move
"This cuts both ways and, really, you should never let anyone know your every move. Having independence is a healthy thing."
5. Never tell him about your past
"There are some things you share and some things you don't. It isn't about hiding your past but letting go of it and not letting it affect your future. When talking about how many people you've slept with, if it's a small number, then it doesn't matter but if it's a big number, then definitely play it down as unimportant or tone down the count."
6. Never mix business with pleasure
"You only ever mix business with pleasure when on business trips."
7. Never move in unless he asks
"Never move in without a ring on your finger."
8. Never tell your friends about your bedroom
"If the sex is great, why not share? If it's not, then keep quiet."
9. Never let them know his shoe size
"I assume this is a penis size reference? If it's big, share away. If it's small, don't embarrass your man with your friends."
10. Rule number 10 should have been rule number 1: 'Cos If you give in on the first night, make sure you ride that thing
"That's how I read it. If you're going to break the first rule, the sex better be mind-blowingly epic."
My rules? Always be honest and upfront about your intentions at the start, never fall in love with your booty call buddy, don't date too many people at once (it becomes difficult knowing who said what), never kiss, date or Facebook chat with someone your best mate has already dated and always, always use protection ...
There's booty call buddy etiquette (don't get jealous when they meet someone they actually like), casual dating regulations (don't whine when they don't call you), when to kiss (apparently not on the first date if you want a certain level of respect), what to say if you don't want a second date (without busting their poor egos) and when, how or what to text back. (Don't even start me on the text lingo!)
Oh, and don't even dare make a mistake or you'll be scoffed at and berated by well-meaning friends who quite simply cannot understand why the heck you (especially if you're a dating columnist) don't already know that you aren't supposed to tell him about the time your ex shagged your best friend or that you dumped your last date via a drunken text message. Oops.
"Don't you know this stuff by now?"' shocked friends will ask with a frown, appalled at your dating behaviour. "Isn't it obvious that you're not supposed to do that on the second date?" they'll continue, looking at you like an alien from another planet who has never met a person of the opposite sex before now and unsure of why you can't quite get your head around what a silly Facebook poke really means.
The more they laugh at your mistakes, the more confusing things get. Because here's the thing about following other people's rules in your own situations: their advice (laced with good intentions) might not be the best fit for your own scenario and pretty quickly you find yourself having to backtrack majorly just to get back on track again.
And the more mistakes you make, the more you actually start to believe that perhaps it's really you who is the freaking problem and not the douchebag men you choose - they're just reacting to your bizarre actions! And pretty soon you start to think that maybe you really are getting this whole dating thing wrong and that for some reason you missed the memo on how to behave in the town of singletons.
So what's a gal to do?
Aussie singer Am8er (real name Amber De Vogt) has an idea. Teaming up with US rapper 'Lil Kim, she's written a song that says if you want to keep a guy "whipped" and "coming back for more", then there are 10 dating commandments that should be followed stringently without swaying. Now while I don't agree with everything she says, (remember what I said about my abhorrence for rules?) perhaps some of her thoughts have some merit (especially since the blokes I've just interviewed actually didn't mind many of her commandments). So see what you think. Her commandments from her song lyrics are in bold, and a summary of the male opinions from the poll I took is below each...
1. Never give him some on the first night
"A little kissing is OK and a good tease for the future, but sex is a no-no. I could never seriously date a girl who sleeps with me on the first date."
2. Never bring your man around your crew
"At first, this makes sense but further into the relationship this is a big red flag. Either she's ashamed of her friends or of me, and neither is good."
3. Never call him first; let him call you
"I don't buy into rules about who should call or how long you should wait to call. If you like someone and you felt a connection, don't play games and call when you feel the urge. Having said that, don't call first thing in the morning the next day after the first date."
4. Never let him know your every move
"This cuts both ways and, really, you should never let anyone know your every move. Having independence is a healthy thing."
5. Never tell him about your past
"There are some things you share and some things you don't. It isn't about hiding your past but letting go of it and not letting it affect your future. When talking about how many people you've slept with, if it's a small number, then it doesn't matter but if it's a big number, then definitely play it down as unimportant or tone down the count."
6. Never mix business with pleasure
"You only ever mix business with pleasure when on business trips."
7. Never move in unless he asks
"Never move in without a ring on your finger."
8. Never tell your friends about your bedroom
"If the sex is great, why not share? If it's not, then keep quiet."
9. Never let them know his shoe size
"I assume this is a penis size reference? If it's big, share away. If it's small, don't embarrass your man with your friends."
10. Rule number 10 should have been rule number 1: 'Cos If you give in on the first night, make sure you ride that thing
"That's how I read it. If you're going to break the first rule, the sex better be mind-blowingly epic."
My rules? Always be honest and upfront about your intentions at the start, never fall in love with your booty call buddy, don't date too many people at once (it becomes difficult knowing who said what), never kiss, date or Facebook chat with someone your best mate has already dated and always, always use protection ...
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