Is it a big deal when a guy asks you to spend the night?

What's the big deal about "spending the night"? Well, plenty. To be honest, I'm sick to death of men assuming that just because they've paid for your dinner, told you they like your hair and offered to take you to a trip, you will go back to their place … that night. "Just to talk," they'll tell you.

"Just to cuddle," they'll beseech. "Just to tickle your back." Bollocks.

"Oh that's the line I always use," my womanising pal J told me the other night.

I was asking him about this kind of behaviour that I'd noticed repeatedly from men who'd asked me out, and wondered if every man under the sun asked the same question.

And if so, what's their real intention? Did they really only ask you out on a date to have you come back to their abode? Surely they can't all assume that we're all that dumb?

"Not every man asks that," J snapped. "Just the ones who think they can get some."

But here's the thing: J says that, more times than not, the men actually succeed. "There are so many girls out there willing to do that, it becomes sort of a game. And if we're just out to have some fun, we think, why waste time on ones who won't?"

Great. My girlfriends told me I was harping on about nothing. That it was because I usually wear short skirts (I don't own anything below the knee), tight dresses and heels to rival Victoria Beckham that I put the wrong message out to the men I date.

"You need to wear something a little less … revealing," my girlfriends finally told me. "And stop being so gushy too. You don't have to try so hard to make them like you. They should be trying to get your attention. Not the other way around."

What about the women who fail the male test? Is it really that big a deal if they decide - just once - to go up and see the view from his window?

"It's about putting a value on yourself and knowing what's going to happen without being naive," says my girlfriend Donna, who is a dating expert and author of Never Trust a Man in Alligator Loafers.

"When you are spending four to six hours in skin-to-skin contact with someone, all of a sudden your body starts wanting sex, not just your mind. And it's really hard to say no. Every hour you spend skin to skin, all the reasons not to go out the window."

She also says that the morning-after syndrome is very real. "When you wake up and your mascara is run, your feet hurt from the heels you wore, and you look at each other and hardly recognise one another, the fantasy is gone. You're thinking that he's seen you naked and yet you don't even know how to spell his last name."

Right. Either way, no one told me this dating stuff was going to be so bloody darn difficult. And confusing. And that there'd be so many freaking rules. Whatever happened to just "being yourself"? I guess that must have gone the way of VHR machines and Chris Brown's reputation.

But c'mon blokes (and I'm not only talking to the players out there), what happened to basking in the ability to get to know one another? What happened to waxing poetically about your similarities and laughing off your differences? Sharing an intimate kiss at the end of a delectable evening together before embracing goodnight and making plans to see each other… another time? Seriously… are all men the same? Or just the ones I meet?

After analysing the situation, seeking advice from the experts, weighing up the possible responses and deciding on what to do, when it happened for the fifth time in a row, I was finally prepared.

"You should see the view from my apartment," a first date recently asked during dessert. "It's amazinggggg."

"Oh, I'd really love to…" I oozed cheerfully, before adding, "but maybe another time."

While that answer certainly managed to shut him up, I'm quite sure it put me into the no-second-date category, but I didn't give a toss. Surely there must be some blokes out there who are willing to take a woman out without an expectation at the end of the night? Not even "just to cuddle" as they so eloquently put it?

Why do we bother? Is it really that important to find a partner? Why can't we just be happy by ourselves for all eternity? I was thinking the same thing, believe me.

To get answers, an interview with Helen Fisher while she was recently in New York. (The trip was supposed to bring me a summer fling, help me get over my break-up and heal my broken heart in the way Julia Roberts's character Elizabeth Gilbert was able to in the film Eat, Pray, Love. Sure I ate loads, dated loads (there is never a shortage of people wanting to hook you up with their friends) and drank my weight in vodka. (What else are you supposed to do on a boring date?)

But I certainly didn't fall in love. Rather, all this frolicking about in search of something made me crave the safety, familiarity and the chivalrous way my ex-boyfriend treated me. Of course I wanted to see his bloody apartment at the end of the night – I lived in it!

In case you haven't heard of Fisher, she's the brilliant woman behind recent research into dating and relationships from the Rutgers University in New Jersey, and also the author of Why Him, Why Her?

First question to her was this: do we really all need love? And if so, why?

"We need it for evolutionary reasons," she explained. "We all have three powerful brain systems that drive us to find a partner: our sex drive, the need for romantic love and the yearning for attachment – all necessary for the ultimate goal that has been our goal for millions of years: reproduction. We are a species that exists to form pair-bonds with the opposite sex to have babies."

She explained the purpose of each brain system: sex drive is to try people out. Romantic love enables us to focus our mating energy on one person at a time. And the yearning for attachment is what sustains us together to rear children as a team. "Those who didn't fall in love and just had sex wandered off, had fewer children and died out. It wasn't the best choice."

(She also said that love doesn't last forever and that research done in 58 societies found that divorce is most common in the fourth year of marriage after a couple has stayed together to raise a child through infancy.)

So why all the casual sex? According to Fisher, and a recent study, we're all just kidding ourselves.

"A study found that 50 per cent of women and 52 per cent of men actually had a one-night stand with the hope of creating a longer-lasting relationship." The study also found that a third of one-night-stands end up in relationships after all.

Hmm. Perhaps a "cuddle" at the end of a date isn't so bad after all ...

At The Boys' Club: Scary Girlfriend Behaviors

Clingy. High maintenance. Pushing boundaries. Mates with her ex. It seems that while we're often preoccupied in this column with naming and shaming the myriad douchebag behaviours of men - such as bonking and fleeing (without a phone call), doing a Tiger Woods on their wives (OK, so perhaps not that extreme but you get the picture), or quite simply forgetting to pick up their socks off the floor (you'd be surprised at how catty some women can get when smelly laundry is involved) - we forget about the things women do to upset men.

For years I thought that, once you met the man of your dreams, stopped playing text message games and actually agreed to settle down together, playing the role of "girlfriend" would be the easy part.

After all, ask any singleton and they'll be quick to snort that finding a man in the first place is the tough part thanks to the "man drought", rampant casual sex and commitment-phobic blokes who toss you aside like a used piece of gum.

I thought that, once you were officially the girlfriend, you could let down your hair, wipe off that sticky lip gloss (which men secretly hate), start hanging out in your sweat pants and ugg boots and everything would be hunky dory, chocolate dipped strawberries and sensual foot massages for all eternity. Surely it should get easier from thereon in … right? Apparently not ...

I'm often stopped in the streets by people begging me to listen to their relationship conundrums. Whether they're single, married, de facto, dating, booty-call bonking – whatever – I'm often shocked, sometimes traumatised and always amused to discover some of the bad behaviour that occurs within seemingly happy relationships that look perfect from the outside.

But what recently had me bamboozled is something I discovered about the fairer sex and their behaviour when the initial courtship wears off.

I was first made aware of this when my gay hairdresser friend regaled me with stories about a few of his female clients – all smart, professional, gorgeous career women – who had been exhibiting a certain decorum (or rather lack thereof) towards the gents they'd been seeing before they promptly got dumped.

This sort of behaviour is known as SGB, or Scary Girlfriend Behaviour.

"These women don't understand that they got dumped because they are just too difficult to deal with," he warned me.

"Single girls these days need to come across as being low maintenance as possible and easy to be around – especially in long-term relationships. Because, trust me, I see it all the time; the men who are stuck in relationships with women who are impossible to please will quickly start looking for a way out."

This got me thinking about some of my own awful SGB. My latest memory is of the time I got drunk at my best girlfriend's 30th birthday party and ended up staying out until four in the morning. Which is all well and fine, but the following day my boyfriend at the time had organised a surprise romantic getaway together for our monthsarry. (I ended up stuck in bed for the entire trip.)

And that wasn't the only case. I think back and realise that I often put my girlfriends before my man, was away for work on his birthday (twice) and was too busy with my own life to worry about making much effort in his.

But according to a recent story for male web portal Ask Men, my behaviour isn't as bad as some can get. There's stalking, introducing herself to his family and friends behind his back, getting a key to his house made without him knowing, getting physical when arguing, and the top SGB trait - not letting him break up with her.

A gent who I spoke to the other night was in the opposite predicament. He told me that, while he recently got dumped by a girl for being "too nice", (what she really meant was that he might have been displaying personality traits of a beta male), he wished he would have had the guts to dump her first, considering she displayed first class symptoms of SGB.

When I asked him why the heck he didn't do something about it at the time, and how in the world he let it go on for an entire year, he told me this:

"I'm a tyrant in the office. I pull up my team constantly on their S#$%. But with her, and with women in general, I just can't do it. I'm a nice guy. It's just not me."

Are women any better at pulling at the male bad behaviour? Or do we always give the guy another shot?

In the past few months, I've heard (and lived through) some horror stories with men and have decided that, since so many women are so darn desperate for a man, they're actually slightly more forgiving than the blokes when it comes to scary boyfriend (or first date) behaviour.

In case you're wondering what the men have done oh-so-wrong, here's a list I've compiled of some pretty bad blokey behaviour that I've recently witnessed. And all the women who've experienced any of it ... have all gone back for second helpings ...

* Telling you you're being immature for not sleeping with him after two weeks of dating.

* Pretending there's an after-party at his house to get you back to his empty room.

* Finding another woman's toothbrush in his bathroom … AFTER you've slept with him.

* Ringing his mate in front of you and saying: "She's made it quite clear she isn't going to put out so I'll meet you at the Commodore Bar in fifteen."

* Conveniently forgetting his wallet after asking you out for dinner and choosing the priciest restaurant in the city.

* Telling you that he's deciding between you and another girl ... with topless pictures of her to prove it.

Gen Y men are not as scared of settling down as some say

The other day I was listening to a radio interview in which a so-called marriage expert was complaining about the fact that the rising divorce rate was all the fault of Gen Y.

"They don't understand the meaning of commitment," he spat. "It's all their fault that divorce rates are so high."Hmm. Being a member of Gen Y myself, I can attest that commitment is certainly fading. A quick poll of my friends found that, while some of them are indeed married, the rest are gallivanting around the world, learning foreign languages in various countries from Bali to Beirut, job hopping, relationship hopping, engaging in one-night flings (and not feeling guilty about it), eschewing any notion of long-term plans and certainly not worrying about being fiscally responsible. (Studies show that Gen Y do indeed have the attitude of being able to "have it all".)

"Why now when I'm still young?" they rationalise. "I have all the time in the world for that stuff." Some of them are in their 30s.
But all this got me wondering. Sure, Gen Y are being accused of a myriad things from not being able to stay in jobs long enough to engender loyalty to growing credit card debts and the growing number of STDs. But divorce? Really?
Sure, we can blame our parents for not teaching us about long-term financial responsibility or for encouraging us to follow our dreams and constantly telling us that "anything is possible". But does that mean we understand relationship commitments any less?

US-based psychologist Nancy Irwin, said that, sure, half of all Gen Yers grew up in divorced homes. And yet she says the fact Gen Y are more cautious about jumping into a lifelong commitment is actually a positive thing.
"I find it extremely encouraging that the younger generations are more thoughtful about marriage and family, and feel free to choose alternative lifestyles. No longer is singledom looked down on as loserdom! Living together and having children outside marriage is accepted more and more. It seems like the Gen Yers are the ones that are really driving this progress. Good for Gen Y! They are extending the menu of choices, and actually solidifying the concept of marriage."

The author of A Little Bit Married: How to know when it's time to walk own the aisle or walk out the door says it's too early to tell whether or not Gen Y relationships will end in divorce.

"The majority of Gen Yers do want to get married and do want commitment," she tells me. "I don't see it as commitment-phobia but rather as an economic issue. A lot of people don't want to get married until they're in a better place financially."
This is her explanation of the growing number of couples who date long term, live together, even raise families together, and just don't tie the knot.

When I carried out a poll of a mix of Gen Yers and baby boomers, one career woman in her 30s, named Juliette, had this to say: "Gen Y do not understand commitment in the same manner as previous generations. You can thank the media and the rise of sexualised and porn culture for this ... "

But Tamariqa says that it's not a Gen Y thing at all.
"Are baby boomers really that committed? Or did they settle down early because of social stigma?" she asks in response to my question. "I know many boomers who divorce later in life. How committed is that? Gen Y have more options, especially women - we have to have careers. Why should we also accept a man as a husband when they have outdated ideas about women's roles? On another note, if Gen Y are so afraid of commitment, why the big push for gay marriage?"
She has a point.

When I look at my girlfriend P, who is a poster child for feminism and putting one's career before dating, men and commitment, I often wonder if her decision is symptomatic of a bad childhood, a misunderstanding of commitment, or a generation gone wrong.

Sure, you can tell me many people choose to be single. But when I ask P if she believes in commitment, she tells me that she does so more than anything and yet, because she's blocked out the quest for a relationship for so long, she's almost forgotten how to go about meeting men.

"I think it's time," she tells me. "I want to find a husband. I'm tired of being alone." And that is perhaps the point at which everyone – no matter from what generation you hail – begins to understand the meaning of commitment …

Is it true that alpha males lifestyle a dying breed?

Brad Pitt calls himself Mister Mom. My male friend has more beauty products than the pampering section of David Jones. And more blokes are exfoliating, waxing and carrying around manbags than we'd like to know about.

No wonder the single women are complaining. "I just want a manly man!" is a common cry I've recently been hearing from frustrated women who are wondering what the hell happened to the hairy-chested, sports-playing, beer-sculling blokes of the world.

"Why are they suddenly all so girly and sensitive?" the women wonder in confusion. "It's like dating your female BFF!"

Despite the fact that, as women, we're more powerful, financially independent and fiscally stronger than ever before, there's still that nagging business of wanting to be with a man who is going to take care of us, support us, be the rock in our world and masculine enough to make us feel like a girl in his presence. (In fact, even the most alpha female women I speak to want just that: like mush in his big muscular arms.)

So, why is finding a manly man to cuddle and cook for such an arduous task? Why are all the men on Planet Dating such wusses? What the heck has happened to the blokey blokes?

Perhaps it's as artist Corita Kent once said, "Women's liberation is the liberation of the feminine in the man and the masculine in the woman."

And she's not the only one who thinks so. Apparently the alpha-dominating male is actually nearing extinction, or at least that's what psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr Paul Dobransky says.

"There's a combination of forces that has contributed to men being less masculine," he tells me over the phone.

"Economic factors have played a huge role as have technological advancements and of course the media, which focuses on empowering women and does nothing for men aside from berate them for being too alpha male. Where's the male Oprah?"

He says that, even a character such as Ari Gold from the hit TV show Entourage – although the ultimate alpha bloke – is condemned for his uber masculine politically incorrect behaviour. "He's a successful family man who doesn't cheat on his wife and acts like a man. Yet he gets shut down for it. So what does that say to modern men?"

Dobransky says the lack of masculinity amongst dudes is such a problem that he's made it his mission to give the men of the world a helping hand.

"In my seminars I teach men how to optimise their lives," he says. He explains that his seminars focus on two areas: success in one's career and success with women.

"If a man doesn't have game or skill with women, then he is crippled in his career. This is because his overall masculinity drives both areas of his life. If he does poorly in his career, he will see a diminishment in his success with women."

I ask him why it matters that much if men are getting less masculine. Because, here's the big question: if women are so independent these days, is there really a need for all this masculinity? If we're no longer in the stone age, do we really need to worry so much about scoring a bloke who is going to protect our tribe?

Or, perhaps it's as The Wall Street Journal recently reported in a story titled "Why Women Don't Want Macho Men" which said: "Women are no longer reliant on a man's genes or jobs to ensure the health and wealth of their children, women may come to value other qualities in a mate. It may become evolutionarily adaptive to prefer men who are co-operative, communicative, caring and better parents over traditional 'manly men'."

Yet Dobransky disagrees: "Who is going to fight the wars? Who is going to shoot the guns or do the nasty physical labour and the dirty jobs? And, most importantly, who are the women going to be attracted to? Because, while often women might complain about alpha male behaviour on the surface, deep down they want to be loved by a man who isn't going to wuss out at the first sign of hardship."

So how exactly can men become more masculine? Apparently by having a "man cave". As Dobransky explains: "Men need to have a den in their house, or their own bathroom, or a place where they can do their own thing without being interrupted. That is a primitive primal instinct in males. Without their cave, men feel injured."

When I laugh at this statement, he gets serious and likens my teasing to a man making fun of a woman's big butt.

"A woman cares how she looks. It's hurtful to be criticised about her body. That's how a man feels when his territory is taken away or his career is criticised. He feels exactly like she feels when her body is criticised."

Right. Anyway, back to the alpha male becoming instinct argument. Yes, I want an alpha male to look after me, protect me, provide for me, be strong when times are tough and be the man around the house. But I also want a man who isn't afraid to cook, watch Eat, Pray, Love, talk about his feelings and not be afraid to be a Mister Mom in the future.

Does this mean that all this de-alpha-male stuff has actually served us well? Only time will tell ...

Negotiated infidelity: Could letting your man sleep with another woman help your relationship?

Negotiated infidelity. The very phrase is enough to send happy couples running for the hills, and tied-up promiscuous blokes clapping their hands with glee. After all, isn't it against biology to be monogamous? Aren't we fighting a losing battle in the attempt not to stray? Isn't fidelity overrated? (For the record, I think the term "negotiated infidelity" is a bonafide oxymoron, but bear with me for now as I introduce you to the argument.)

As one man said to me the other day, "My mother said the biggest mistake I made in my marriage was that I thought I could still date other women. Apparently I couldn't."

Another man claimed that, although at forty something years old he felt he'd finally met "the one", he still couldn't help looking at other women. "I still get those urges and I find them difficult to contain," he told me. "I find it a real challenge not to act on them even though I'm finally in love with the woman of my dreams."

Perhaps it's ego. Perhaps it's male testosterone. Perhaps it's selfishness. Perhaps men these days want to have their cake and eat from another one simultaneously. But whatever the reason, as much as I hope never to date (let alone marry) one of these sorts of men, I don't blame them for their thoughts. After all, it's within a man's DNA to look, sometimes touch and mostly think about, doing naughty things with someone of the opposite sex other than their special somebody.

So you can imagine their elation upon hearing from author and ex-mistress Holly Hill, who recently told CNN's Larry King that one of the biggest things she's learnt from her life that involved being paid to have sex with married men, is to do the following: let your partner cheat – as long as there are rules and boundaries set up beforehand.

"I think that cheating men are normal," Hill told Marie Claire magazine. "Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not in the long term. Men are hard-wired to betray women in the long term."

Really? Well, says Hill, who at one point in her "career" was a highly paid mistress earning about $1000 a week (mostly from married men doing the dirty on their unsuspecting wives), one of the main things she's learnt from her journey is that "a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he's late from the office Christmas party", or so she told CNN.

She's probably one of the few women of the world who have asked, after a woman has been cheated on and dumped for her boyfriend's secretary, why should the men have all the fun? Why can't women also have sex on the side and still maintain a solid committed relationship? And why should they have to lie about satiating their urges?

"We just have to be honest about the way nature created us," she said, "and we have to work with nature instead of working against her ... This isn't rocket science. This is what every man already knows and I think what every woman deep down already knows."

Right now Hill is in a committed relationship. How she gets around the possibility of this open infidelity ruining their bond is by setting some clear-cut boundaries, and then following them. Her top rules? No sleepovers, no spooning and no romantic getaways. "For me, spooning is cheating," she says.

Some commentators have said a woman's decision for negotiated infidelity is a sign of female empowerment. Others have said it's a poor man's excuse to cheat on your partner. As for me? I'm quite sure this sort of arrangement wouldn't fly. Sure, I've been cheated on in the past. And, yes, it would probably have lessened the blow if I would have allowed it in the first place - and would have allowed to do the same thing back. But does it ever truly work out? I think not.

In fact, I know one couple who attempted it and discovered that it didn't work - especially after one conveniently forgot to disclose the fact that they began to have feelings for one of their so-called "lovers".

When the other discovered the tryst was more than what they'd negotiated (perhaps there was too much "spooning" involved), jealousy and trust flew right out the window, along with respect, love and compassion.

PS. Check out this video and see for yourself.

Woman's figure too distracting for men

Debrahlee Lorenzana, in case you haven't heard of her, is the woman who recently sued Citibank in the US for firing her for being "too hot".

Yep, according to her statement, the blokes in her office were so overwhelmed by her looks that she was reprimanded for dressing too sexily, was stripped from some of her duties and was then asked to transfer to a new branch.

While she claims she wore modest clothing and did nothing to provoke the male reaction, the blokes around her couldn't seem to keep it in their pants. So they gave the 33-year-old single mother a long list of clothing items that she would not be allowed to wear, which included turtlenecks, pencil skirts, fitted suits and three-inch heels. (Turtlenecks are too sexy? Really?!)

$37 million for alleged sexual harassment, it leads me to wonder whether women are really that distracting for men in the workplace. Can men really not control themselves when faced with a beautiful woman? Or do women simply dress too provocatively and flirt too much for comfort?

Sure, men think about sex every seven seconds (or every hour, or every day, depending on what survey you read). And sure, men are distracted by revealing clothing (especially while driving). And yes, according to scientific research, men get more stupid in the presence of pretty women and they tend to lose their minds in the face of cleavage and a pair of skinny legs. But is it really that hard for them to keep it to themselves?

According to a poll I carried out of men in my workplace, 100 per cent of them answered with a resounding "yes". Apparently it really is that difficult for the male species to practise a little self control.

"You've got to be so careful these days," said one. "It's a struggle contain the excitement," said another. And a third replied with this: "Unless you're under video surveillance or a homosexual, it's impossible not to stare and sometimes even do something about it!"

While women (especially the wives and girlfriends) have long complained about men perving on the opposite sex, how far is too far when it comes to women dressing provocatively for work? And what actually is provocative dressing?

According to American Justice Potter Stewart's famous quotation, the answer is simple: "I know it when I see it."

Yet, another axiom holds that it's a woman's fault if she dresses too provocatively and "If it's not for sale, don't advertise."

I wonder, therefore, as a single girl in a world in which advertising centres on flaunting sexuality, what is appropriate? What is sexually appealing? And what would lead a man to view you as "easy" rather than someone he wants to date?

A single 40-year-old divorced Jed says the more cleavage a woman shows and the tighter her dress, the less sexy it is to him.

"It's not a $2000 dress or a tight skirt that turns my head, it's natural beauty that gets me," he says.

For him, the best outfit a woman can wear isn't something that "advertises" all her bits, but rather a simple, casual toned-down T-shirt and jeans.

And so I performed an experiment. When I went to a bar the other night, instead of wearing my usual short mini black frock and sexy beach hair, I opted for a pair of jeans, a T-shirt and tied-back hair. Off I went (alone) in my new look to see if I'd be approached.

What transpired wasn't the usual group of blokes looking me up and down. Instead, the women found it easier to approach me. I started chatting to one femme who was on a date (with a married man, it was later revealed). She was dressed to the nines in a skimpy, black dress, thigh-high boots and blood-red lipstick.

"I think I attract the wrong sorts of men," she whispered.

And that perhaps … says it all ...

Does everyone really have a soul mate?

I was out at a club on Saturday night and I wasn't happy. Half the people in the dimly lit room were kissing (drunken and sloppy), others were looking fearful and forlorn (as their eyes darted around the room in the desperate hope that someone drunken and sloppy out there would look their way) and the rest were asking me where my "boyfriend" was.

I smiled, sculling the rest of my mojito. "Oh you will," they said. "It's just around the corner. Guaranteed." Really? Is it really guaranteed that you'll find true love and live happily ever after?

The truth is that I meet diverse groups of people all the time. And it always intrigues me to discover that everyone has different views about whether or not there's such a thing as a soul mate or "the one".

Will everyone find true love? Or are some of us doomed to be single forever?

While many are optimists and believers who are living in hope that true love is indeed "just around the corner", there are the cynical among them who aren't entirely sure if they'll ever meet someone. Ever.

"Not all of us are going to have happy endings," one girlfriend told me over pizzas the other night. "Some of us are just not ever going to be happy in a relationship sense … ever."

What?! No hope at all? "No, I'm too old and have dated way too many men to believe in any of it. For some of us, it's just never going to happen."

Her negative sentiment reminded me of the results I read about from an American poll last year for AOL Living and Women's Day, which found that a staggering 50 per cent of women regretted marrying their husbands; 52 per cent admitted they did not believe in the fairy tale ending and a whopping 72 per cent said they had considered leaving their husbands at some point. Yeouch.

Which got me thinking: while many of us hope that true love is "just around the corner" and that we'll all meet that amazing person when we "least expect it", can we really live in such hope? Or are we being eternal optimists? And ... is there every chance that we'll end up wanting to run a mile once we get him?

One divorced woman told me that she met and married the love of her life, divorced him and is now going to be single forever more. "No one matches up," she said. "I've had my shot at true love. I married him. I messed it up. Now it's never going to happen again."

At 45, with two kids in tow, she might just have a point.

Another divorcee, who is approaching 60 and, after a bad marriage, is having the time of her life traveling the world, believes there is no way in hell she's ever going to meet someone else.

"My time has passed," she told me. "I'm not even bothering any more."

But then there's me: at 26 I've met and dated the love of my life for longer than most people's marriages. Which leads me to the question: can you meet "the one" twice in one lifetime? Or is it never going to happen again? Have I missed my opportunity at ever finding it a second time around? And why is it so important anyway?

For women, it's biological. In fact, finding a mate is subconsciously of utmost importance because we're supposed to be hard-wired to constantly be on the lookout for a man to invest in our offspring.

For men it's a little different. Do they even care? Or are they content in knowing that with all the casual sex that's available, they don't actually need to bother with all the soul mate hoo-hah?

One eternal bachelor with the nom de plume "A Rebel" certainly concurs. He wrote in an article the other day that there's actually no need for him to marry or take the plunge into a relationship at all. In fact he's happy being an eternal bachelor and wouldn't want it any other way.

He says his main reasons for wanting to stay single are: the sex gets boring after doing it with the same person for more than a year, people inevitably cheat or fall out of love, and they take half your things if you break up or divorce.

Scientifically speaking, maybe A Rebel is above average in the looks department.

Or at least that would accord with a theory of Peter K. Jonason, a "booty-call expert" (yep, he's done a scientific study on the topic), who says that the less attractive a person sees themselves, the keener they are to settle down and tie the knot.

As Jonason told Salon.com: "For men who settle down quickly [they think this]: If I'm really ugly, I don't really have the value to go out and get lots of women to have sex with. I have to commit to the first woman who is willing. I have to settle sooner because I don't have value in the negotiation process."

But back to the soul mate debate. As someone wise once said to me: "There is a lid for every pot." But, in reality, is there? Or are we just being naïve?

Helen Fisher of Rutgers University said we are indeed "wired to find love" and that finding your soul mate is not only possible, it's inevitable.

And millions of people obviously believe in it … scouring the internet for their soul mates night after night. But when they're most expecting it, will it ever really happen?

Dating the animal magnetism of bad boys

Why do good girls date bad boys? And I'm not talking about bad boys in the sense of the type of men who don't call back, shag your best mate or forget your birthday. Oh no, I'm talking about a different subset of blokes – ones who sport a bevy of tattoos, are in and out of jail, ride motorbikes, have flashy cars, wear gold chains and carry multiple mobile phones. I often wonder what makes these women want to date these men, but when my beautician friend confided to me about her new boyfriend the other day, I listened in awe.

Hailing from a well-to-do family, she had found her private school upbringing boring and the men in her neighbourhood drab and dull. She wasn't sure how she'd ever meet someone who captured her attention for more than a few dates. That was until she met a bloke we'll call J.

"I have always been attracted to the rough look," she says. "I find it super sexy. Plus, when you date these sorts of men, you feel safe and protected."

J isn't the type of bloke you'd want to bring home to your mum. Not to give too much away, let's just say that somewhere along the way he took a wrong turn, ended up in and out of jail and hangs out with a crowd you'd be scared to walk by in the streets.

So the fact that she feels "safe" and "protected" when she's around him has me a little baffled. Seriously? When police are unexpectedly raiding your bloke's house in the middle of the night, when he's getting death threats, is out on bail and simply walking down the street or sitting in his car is more dangerous than the threat of swine flu, can you really say that you feel protected being in his presence?

She couldn't answer. But I felt as if I was getting a little closer to the core of the issue when she explained that J was the first man she'd dated who she'd felt wasn't a "pushover" or a "wet blanket".

"I've always had control in relationships and I hate it. I always feel like their mothers. For the first time a guy is taking care of me … and it feels nice."

Right. But does she really want to bring her kids up in an environment in which at any moment her man can be sent to jail and her family will be left without a father?

"Of course I don't want that," she snaps. "But I want to be with him. I know he'll always take care of me and protect me."

But no matter how "safe" women feel in the arms of a man who has more muscles than Hulk Hogan, I thought back to the film Animal Kingdom, where [SPOILER ALERT AHEAD!] an innocent girl gets killed ... for dating a man who was hanging out with the wrong crowd.

And who can forget when Swedish former waitress Charlotte Lindstrom got thrown in jail after falling in love with a drug manufacturer and subsequently got caught up in a major murder-plot scandal?

So why do so many women put themselves smack in the centre of these tumultuous worlds? Is it for the thrill? The excitement? The threat of danger? Are they addicted to the drama?

"It's the whole Bonnie and Clyde phenomenon turned into modern-day dating," explains journalist Simona Siad in an article for The Star newspaper in Toronto.

"And the streets have a name for the girls who can handle such an extreme form of love. They are 'ride or die chicks'."

The journalist quotes associate professor of women's studies at Syracuse University, Gwendolyn Pough, who said that a "ride or die chick" was a girl who would do anything for her man.

"She will put the gun in her purse, she will hide the cash, she will hide the gloves and she will drive the getaway car. Whatever she needs to do for him, she will do … I think a lot of girls do buy into it," Pough was quoted as saying.

The article goes on to detail the psychological appeal of it all: these blokes are really "nice" at the beginning, offer to do anything for you and come across as extremely doting, kind, generous and protective.

My beautician friend can attest to that. "At the beginning he waited ages even just to kiss me. He was so chivalrous. It was refreshing," she said.

New York-based psychotherapist Robi Ludwig and author of Till Death do us part: Love, marriage and the mind of a killer, gave an interview to Larry King on CNN about women who date and marry men in prison.

She said there are studies showing that women who get involved with these men find them very seductive and attentive. Especially when they get locked up.

"They can really give attention to a woman in a way that a man who's busy in life really can't. You know, a man who has a job, is working, is juggling children, paying bills, is frazzled, is going out with the guys, has a lot of freedom, probably won't focus on a woman in the way that a man in prison will."

While to most of us that sounds about as appealing as chewing our own toenails, perhaps for women who haven't had too much luck in love or life, a man stuck in one location for many years to come is more reliable than the average bloke who might be out with his mates or swanning around with other women.

As for the women who live by the "ride or die" mentality? I just hope they get out ... before it's too late ...

Ten Dating Commandments

I hate rules. I don't diet, can't stand a schedule and the words "office hours" are non-existent in my lexicon. So you can imagine my disdain at being newly single and suddenly discovering more rules and regulations than if you were being recruited into the Secret Service. (Is it really all supposed to be that hard?)

There's booty call buddy etiquette (don't get jealous when they meet someone they actually like), casual dating regulations (don't whine when they don't call you), when to kiss (apparently not on the first date if you want a certain level of respect), what to say if you don't want a second date (without busting their poor egos) and when, how or what to text back. (Don't even start me on the text lingo!)

Oh, and don't even dare make a mistake or you'll be scoffed at and berated by well-meaning friends who quite simply cannot understand why the heck you (especially if you're a dating columnist) don't already know that you aren't supposed to tell him about the time your ex shagged your best friend or that you dumped your last date via a drunken text message. Oops.

"Don't you know this stuff by now?"' shocked friends will ask with a frown, appalled at your dating behaviour. "Isn't it obvious that you're not supposed to do that on the second date?" they'll continue, looking at you like an alien from another planet who has never met a person of the opposite sex before now and unsure of why you can't quite get your head around what a silly Facebook poke really means.

The more they laugh at your mistakes, the more confusing things get. Because here's the thing about following other people's rules in your own situations: their advice (laced with good intentions) might not be the best fit for your own scenario and pretty quickly you find yourself having to backtrack majorly just to get back on track again.

And the more mistakes you make, the more you actually start to believe that perhaps it's really you who is the freaking problem and not the douchebag men you choose - they're just reacting to your bizarre actions! And pretty soon you start to think that maybe you really are getting this whole dating thing wrong and that for some reason you missed the memo on how to behave in the town of singletons.
So what's a gal to do?

Aussie singer Am8er (real name Amber De Vogt) has an idea. Teaming up with US rapper 'Lil Kim, she's written a song that says if you want to keep a guy "whipped" and "coming back for more", then there are 10 dating commandments that should be followed stringently without swaying. Now while I don't agree with everything she says, (remember what I said about my abhorrence for rules?) perhaps some of her thoughts have some merit (especially since the blokes I've just interviewed actually didn't mind many of her commandments). So see what you think. Her commandments from her song lyrics are in bold, and a summary of the male opinions from the poll I took is below each...

1. Never give him some on the first night

"A little kissing is OK and a good tease for the future, but sex is a no-no. I could never seriously date a girl who sleeps with me on the first date."

2. Never bring your man around your crew

"At first, this makes sense but further into the relationship this is a big red flag. Either she's ashamed of her friends or of me, and neither is good."

3. Never call him first; let him call you

"I don't buy into rules about who should call or how long you should wait to call. If you like someone and you felt a connection, don't play games and call when you feel the urge. Having said that, don't call first thing in the morning the next day after the first date."

4. Never let him know your every move

"This cuts both ways and, really, you should never let anyone know your every move. Having independence is a healthy thing."

5. Never tell him about your past

"There are some things you share and some things you don't. It isn't about hiding your past but letting go of it and not letting it affect your future. When talking about how many people you've slept with, if it's a small number, then it doesn't matter but if it's a big number, then definitely play it down as unimportant or tone down the count."

6. Never mix business with pleasure

"You only ever mix business with pleasure when on business trips."

7. Never move in unless he asks

"Never move in without a ring on your finger."

8. Never tell your friends about your bedroom

"If the sex is great, why not share? If it's not, then keep quiet."

9. Never let them know his shoe size

"I assume this is a penis size reference? If it's big, share away. If it's small, don't embarrass your man with your friends."

10. Rule number 10 should have been rule number 1: 'Cos If you give in on the first night, make sure you ride that thing

"That's how I read it. If you're going to break the first rule, the sex better be mind-blowingly epic."

My rules? Always be honest and upfront about your intentions at the start, never fall in love with your booty call buddy, don't date too many people at once (it becomes difficult knowing who said what), never kiss, date or Facebook chat with someone your best mate has already dated and always, always use protection ...