The other day I was listening to a radio interview in which a so-called marriage expert was complaining about the fact that the rising divorce rate was all the fault of Gen Y.
"They don't understand the meaning of commitment," he spat. "It's all their fault that divorce rates are so high."Hmm. Being a member of Gen Y myself, I can attest that commitment is certainly fading. A quick poll of my friends found that, while some of them are indeed married, the rest are gallivanting around the world, learning foreign languages in various countries from Bali to Beirut, job hopping, relationship hopping, engaging in one-night flings (and not feeling guilty about it), eschewing any notion of long-term plans and certainly not worrying about being fiscally responsible. (Studies show that Gen Y do indeed have the attitude of being able to "have it all".)
"Why now when I'm still young?" they rationalise. "I have all the time in the world for that stuff." Some of them are in their 30s.
But all this got me wondering. Sure, Gen Y are being accused of a myriad things from not being able to stay in jobs long enough to engender loyalty to growing credit card debts and the growing number of STDs. But divorce? Really?
Sure, we can blame our parents for not teaching us about long-term financial responsibility or for encouraging us to follow our dreams and constantly telling us that "anything is possible". But does that mean we understand relationship commitments any less?
US-based psychologist Nancy Irwin, said that, sure, half of all Gen Yers grew up in divorced homes. And yet she says the fact Gen Y are more cautious about jumping into a lifelong commitment is actually a positive thing.
"I find it extremely encouraging that the younger generations are more thoughtful about marriage and family, and feel free to choose alternative lifestyles. No longer is singledom looked down on as loserdom! Living together and having children outside marriage is accepted more and more. It seems like the Gen Yers are the ones that are really driving this progress. Good for Gen Y! They are extending the menu of choices, and actually solidifying the concept of marriage."
The author of A Little Bit Married: How to know when it's time to walk own the aisle or walk out the door says it's too early to tell whether or not Gen Y relationships will end in divorce.
"The majority of Gen Yers do want to get married and do want commitment," she tells me. "I don't see it as commitment-phobia but rather as an economic issue. A lot of people don't want to get married until they're in a better place financially."
This is her explanation of the growing number of couples who date long term, live together, even raise families together, and just don't tie the knot.
When I carried out a poll of a mix of Gen Yers and baby boomers, one career woman in her 30s, named Juliette, had this to say: "Gen Y do not understand commitment in the same manner as previous generations. You can thank the media and the rise of sexualised and porn culture for this ... "
But Tamariqa says that it's not a Gen Y thing at all.
"Are baby boomers really that committed? Or did they settle down early because of social stigma?" she asks in response to my question. "I know many boomers who divorce later in life. How committed is that? Gen Y have more options, especially women - we have to have careers. Why should we also accept a man as a husband when they have outdated ideas about women's roles? On another note, if Gen Y are so afraid of commitment, why the big push for gay marriage?"
She has a point.
When I look at my girlfriend P, who is a poster child for feminism and putting one's career before dating, men and commitment, I often wonder if her decision is symptomatic of a bad childhood, a misunderstanding of commitment, or a generation gone wrong.
Sure, you can tell me many people choose to be single. But when I ask P if she believes in commitment, she tells me that she does so more than anything and yet, because she's blocked out the quest for a relationship for so long, she's almost forgotten how to go about meeting men.
"I think it's time," she tells me. "I want to find a husband. I'm tired of being alone." And that is perhaps the point at which everyone – no matter from what generation you hail – begins to understand the meaning of commitment …
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Is it true that alpha males lifestyle a dying breed?
Brad Pitt calls himself Mister Mom. My male friend has more beauty products than the pampering section of David Jones. And more blokes are exfoliating, waxing and carrying around manbags than we'd like to know about.
No wonder the single women are complaining. "I just want a manly man!" is a common cry I've recently been hearing from frustrated women who are wondering what the hell happened to the hairy-chested, sports-playing, beer-sculling blokes of the world.
"Why are they suddenly all so girly and sensitive?" the women wonder in confusion. "It's like dating your female BFF!"
Despite the fact that, as women, we're more powerful, financially independent and fiscally stronger than ever before, there's still that nagging business of wanting to be with a man who is going to take care of us, support us, be the rock in our world and masculine enough to make us feel like a girl in his presence. (In fact, even the most alpha female women I speak to want just that: like mush in his big muscular arms.)
So, why is finding a manly man to cuddle and cook for such an arduous task? Why are all the men on Planet Dating such wusses? What the heck has happened to the blokey blokes?
Perhaps it's as artist Corita Kent once said, "Women's liberation is the liberation of the feminine in the man and the masculine in the woman."
And she's not the only one who thinks so. Apparently the alpha-dominating male is actually nearing extinction, or at least that's what psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr Paul Dobransky says.
"There's a combination of forces that has contributed to men being less masculine," he tells me over the phone.
"Economic factors have played a huge role as have technological advancements and of course the media, which focuses on empowering women and does nothing for men aside from berate them for being too alpha male. Where's the male Oprah?"
He says that, even a character such as Ari Gold from the hit TV show Entourage – although the ultimate alpha bloke – is condemned for his uber masculine politically incorrect behaviour. "He's a successful family man who doesn't cheat on his wife and acts like a man. Yet he gets shut down for it. So what does that say to modern men?"
Dobransky says the lack of masculinity amongst dudes is such a problem that he's made it his mission to give the men of the world a helping hand.
"In my seminars I teach men how to optimise their lives," he says. He explains that his seminars focus on two areas: success in one's career and success with women.
"If a man doesn't have game or skill with women, then he is crippled in his career. This is because his overall masculinity drives both areas of his life. If he does poorly in his career, he will see a diminishment in his success with women."
I ask him why it matters that much if men are getting less masculine. Because, here's the big question: if women are so independent these days, is there really a need for all this masculinity? If we're no longer in the stone age, do we really need to worry so much about scoring a bloke who is going to protect our tribe?
Or, perhaps it's as The Wall Street Journal recently reported in a story titled "Why Women Don't Want Macho Men" which said: "Women are no longer reliant on a man's genes or jobs to ensure the health and wealth of their children, women may come to value other qualities in a mate. It may become evolutionarily adaptive to prefer men who are co-operative, communicative, caring and better parents over traditional 'manly men'."
Yet Dobransky disagrees: "Who is going to fight the wars? Who is going to shoot the guns or do the nasty physical labour and the dirty jobs? And, most importantly, who are the women going to be attracted to? Because, while often women might complain about alpha male behaviour on the surface, deep down they want to be loved by a man who isn't going to wuss out at the first sign of hardship."
So how exactly can men become more masculine? Apparently by having a "man cave". As Dobransky explains: "Men need to have a den in their house, or their own bathroom, or a place where they can do their own thing without being interrupted. That is a primitive primal instinct in males. Without their cave, men feel injured."
When I laugh at this statement, he gets serious and likens my teasing to a man making fun of a woman's big butt.
"A woman cares how she looks. It's hurtful to be criticised about her body. That's how a man feels when his territory is taken away or his career is criticised. He feels exactly like she feels when her body is criticised."
Right. Anyway, back to the alpha male becoming instinct argument. Yes, I want an alpha male to look after me, protect me, provide for me, be strong when times are tough and be the man around the house. But I also want a man who isn't afraid to cook, watch Eat, Pray, Love, talk about his feelings and not be afraid to be a Mister Mom in the future.
Does this mean that all this de-alpha-male stuff has actually served us well? Only time will tell ...
No wonder the single women are complaining. "I just want a manly man!" is a common cry I've recently been hearing from frustrated women who are wondering what the hell happened to the hairy-chested, sports-playing, beer-sculling blokes of the world.
"Why are they suddenly all so girly and sensitive?" the women wonder in confusion. "It's like dating your female BFF!"
Despite the fact that, as women, we're more powerful, financially independent and fiscally stronger than ever before, there's still that nagging business of wanting to be with a man who is going to take care of us, support us, be the rock in our world and masculine enough to make us feel like a girl in his presence. (In fact, even the most alpha female women I speak to want just that: like mush in his big muscular arms.)
So, why is finding a manly man to cuddle and cook for such an arduous task? Why are all the men on Planet Dating such wusses? What the heck has happened to the blokey blokes?
Perhaps it's as artist Corita Kent once said, "Women's liberation is the liberation of the feminine in the man and the masculine in the woman."
And she's not the only one who thinks so. Apparently the alpha-dominating male is actually nearing extinction, or at least that's what psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr Paul Dobransky says.
"There's a combination of forces that has contributed to men being less masculine," he tells me over the phone.
"Economic factors have played a huge role as have technological advancements and of course the media, which focuses on empowering women and does nothing for men aside from berate them for being too alpha male. Where's the male Oprah?"
He says that, even a character such as Ari Gold from the hit TV show Entourage – although the ultimate alpha bloke – is condemned for his uber masculine politically incorrect behaviour. "He's a successful family man who doesn't cheat on his wife and acts like a man. Yet he gets shut down for it. So what does that say to modern men?"
Dobransky says the lack of masculinity amongst dudes is such a problem that he's made it his mission to give the men of the world a helping hand.
"In my seminars I teach men how to optimise their lives," he says. He explains that his seminars focus on two areas: success in one's career and success with women.
"If a man doesn't have game or skill with women, then he is crippled in his career. This is because his overall masculinity drives both areas of his life. If he does poorly in his career, he will see a diminishment in his success with women."
I ask him why it matters that much if men are getting less masculine. Because, here's the big question: if women are so independent these days, is there really a need for all this masculinity? If we're no longer in the stone age, do we really need to worry so much about scoring a bloke who is going to protect our tribe?
Or, perhaps it's as The Wall Street Journal recently reported in a story titled "Why Women Don't Want Macho Men" which said: "Women are no longer reliant on a man's genes or jobs to ensure the health and wealth of their children, women may come to value other qualities in a mate. It may become evolutionarily adaptive to prefer men who are co-operative, communicative, caring and better parents over traditional 'manly men'."
Yet Dobransky disagrees: "Who is going to fight the wars? Who is going to shoot the guns or do the nasty physical labour and the dirty jobs? And, most importantly, who are the women going to be attracted to? Because, while often women might complain about alpha male behaviour on the surface, deep down they want to be loved by a man who isn't going to wuss out at the first sign of hardship."
So how exactly can men become more masculine? Apparently by having a "man cave". As Dobransky explains: "Men need to have a den in their house, or their own bathroom, or a place where they can do their own thing without being interrupted. That is a primitive primal instinct in males. Without their cave, men feel injured."
When I laugh at this statement, he gets serious and likens my teasing to a man making fun of a woman's big butt.
"A woman cares how she looks. It's hurtful to be criticised about her body. That's how a man feels when his territory is taken away or his career is criticised. He feels exactly like she feels when her body is criticised."
Right. Anyway, back to the alpha male becoming instinct argument. Yes, I want an alpha male to look after me, protect me, provide for me, be strong when times are tough and be the man around the house. But I also want a man who isn't afraid to cook, watch Eat, Pray, Love, talk about his feelings and not be afraid to be a Mister Mom in the future.
Does this mean that all this de-alpha-male stuff has actually served us well? Only time will tell ...
Monday, August 16, 2010
Negotiated infidelity: Could letting your man sleep with another woman help your relationship?
Negotiated infidelity. The very phrase is enough to send happy couples running for the hills, and tied-up promiscuous blokes clapping their hands with glee. After all, isn't it against biology to be monogamous? Aren't we fighting a losing battle in the attempt not to stray? Isn't fidelity overrated? (For the record, I think the term "negotiated infidelity" is a bonafide oxymoron, but bear with me for now as I introduce you to the argument.)
As one man said to me the other day, "My mother said the biggest mistake I made in my marriage was that I thought I could still date other women. Apparently I couldn't."
Another man claimed that, although at forty something years old he felt he'd finally met "the one", he still couldn't help looking at other women. "I still get those urges and I find them difficult to contain," he told me. "I find it a real challenge not to act on them even though I'm finally in love with the woman of my dreams."
Perhaps it's ego. Perhaps it's male testosterone. Perhaps it's selfishness. Perhaps men these days want to have their cake and eat from another one simultaneously. But whatever the reason, as much as I hope never to date (let alone marry) one of these sorts of men, I don't blame them for their thoughts. After all, it's within a man's DNA to look, sometimes touch and mostly think about, doing naughty things with someone of the opposite sex other than their special somebody.
So you can imagine their elation upon hearing from author and ex-mistress Holly Hill, who recently told CNN's Larry King that one of the biggest things she's learnt from her life that involved being paid to have sex with married men, is to do the following: let your partner cheat – as long as there are rules and boundaries set up beforehand.
"I think that cheating men are normal," Hill told Marie Claire magazine. "Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not in the long term. Men are hard-wired to betray women in the long term."
Really? Well, says Hill, who at one point in her "career" was a highly paid mistress earning about $1000 a week (mostly from married men doing the dirty on their unsuspecting wives), one of the main things she's learnt from her journey is that "a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he's late from the office Christmas party", or so she told CNN.
She's probably one of the few women of the world who have asked, after a woman has been cheated on and dumped for her boyfriend's secretary, why should the men have all the fun? Why can't women also have sex on the side and still maintain a solid committed relationship? And why should they have to lie about satiating their urges?
"We just have to be honest about the way nature created us," she said, "and we have to work with nature instead of working against her ... This isn't rocket science. This is what every man already knows and I think what every woman deep down already knows."
Right now Hill is in a committed relationship. How she gets around the possibility of this open infidelity ruining their bond is by setting some clear-cut boundaries, and then following them. Her top rules? No sleepovers, no spooning and no romantic getaways. "For me, spooning is cheating," she says.
Some commentators have said a woman's decision for negotiated infidelity is a sign of female empowerment. Others have said it's a poor man's excuse to cheat on your partner. As for me? I'm quite sure this sort of arrangement wouldn't fly. Sure, I've been cheated on in the past. And, yes, it would probably have lessened the blow if I would have allowed it in the first place - and would have allowed to do the same thing back. But does it ever truly work out? I think not.
In fact, I know one couple who attempted it and discovered that it didn't work - especially after one conveniently forgot to disclose the fact that they began to have feelings for one of their so-called "lovers".
When the other discovered the tryst was more than what they'd negotiated (perhaps there was too much "spooning" involved), jealousy and trust flew right out the window, along with respect, love and compassion.
PS. Check out this video and see for yourself.
As one man said to me the other day, "My mother said the biggest mistake I made in my marriage was that I thought I could still date other women. Apparently I couldn't."
Another man claimed that, although at forty something years old he felt he'd finally met "the one", he still couldn't help looking at other women. "I still get those urges and I find them difficult to contain," he told me. "I find it a real challenge not to act on them even though I'm finally in love with the woman of my dreams."
Perhaps it's ego. Perhaps it's male testosterone. Perhaps it's selfishness. Perhaps men these days want to have their cake and eat from another one simultaneously. But whatever the reason, as much as I hope never to date (let alone marry) one of these sorts of men, I don't blame them for their thoughts. After all, it's within a man's DNA to look, sometimes touch and mostly think about, doing naughty things with someone of the opposite sex other than their special somebody.
So you can imagine their elation upon hearing from author and ex-mistress Holly Hill, who recently told CNN's Larry King that one of the biggest things she's learnt from her life that involved being paid to have sex with married men, is to do the following: let your partner cheat – as long as there are rules and boundaries set up beforehand.
"I think that cheating men are normal," Hill told Marie Claire magazine. "Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not in the long term. Men are hard-wired to betray women in the long term."
Really? Well, says Hill, who at one point in her "career" was a highly paid mistress earning about $1000 a week (mostly from married men doing the dirty on their unsuspecting wives), one of the main things she's learnt from her journey is that "a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he's late from the office Christmas party", or so she told CNN.
She's probably one of the few women of the world who have asked, after a woman has been cheated on and dumped for her boyfriend's secretary, why should the men have all the fun? Why can't women also have sex on the side and still maintain a solid committed relationship? And why should they have to lie about satiating their urges?
"We just have to be honest about the way nature created us," she said, "and we have to work with nature instead of working against her ... This isn't rocket science. This is what every man already knows and I think what every woman deep down already knows."
Right now Hill is in a committed relationship. How she gets around the possibility of this open infidelity ruining their bond is by setting some clear-cut boundaries, and then following them. Her top rules? No sleepovers, no spooning and no romantic getaways. "For me, spooning is cheating," she says.
Some commentators have said a woman's decision for negotiated infidelity is a sign of female empowerment. Others have said it's a poor man's excuse to cheat on your partner. As for me? I'm quite sure this sort of arrangement wouldn't fly. Sure, I've been cheated on in the past. And, yes, it would probably have lessened the blow if I would have allowed it in the first place - and would have allowed to do the same thing back. But does it ever truly work out? I think not.
In fact, I know one couple who attempted it and discovered that it didn't work - especially after one conveniently forgot to disclose the fact that they began to have feelings for one of their so-called "lovers".
When the other discovered the tryst was more than what they'd negotiated (perhaps there was too much "spooning" involved), jealousy and trust flew right out the window, along with respect, love and compassion.
PS. Check out this video and see for yourself.
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