Ye Mere Deewanapan Hai I Sophia Abella

Monday, May 31, 2010

Stringer was no stranger

Can you be a dating expert when you are in a long-term relationship? Well, I didn't plan to become a one-woman scientific study but it looks like my life is ripe to go under the microscope.

After many years of being in an on-off situation, I'm single again.

Deep down, I'd probably known that he wasn't the one, or at least I wasn't the one for him,I guess I had just assumed that one day we'd make the leap and vow to be together in sickness and in health.

What went wrong? Two years ago we agreed to get an apartment together. Just the two of us, and I thought I went above and beyond in playing the role of good girlfriend – I even poured the beers when the boys came over for Friday night footy. Hadn't I proved I'd be the perfect wife?

But perhaps that was the problem. I simply thought the decision was in his hands and that he'd do something about it when he was ready. No such luck.

After we called it quits, I picked up a book that had long been staring back at me from my bookshelf. Titled Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others by Dr John T. Molloy, the book is a summary of a scientific study carried out by the author in an attempt to discover the differences between those couples walking out of the wedding registry and those walking out on each other.

Molloy cites myriad reasons that some people never get married, such as not hanging out with other singles, not making the effort to go out to singles' mixers, not dressing enough like a "wife" and expecting bachelor-for-life types to morph miraculously into doting hubbies. He also says a lot of it has to do with the type of men whom women date. One of the most dangerous? "The stringer".

Molloy defines a stringer as a man who loves to have a woman around to eat with, sleep with and share his life with, but, while he likes having her around full time, he never has any intention of truly committing to her.

The problem with dating a stringer is that many of us dismiss the fact that he might be a stringer until it's too darn late. By then, we're already heartbroken, jaded and back in the singles' world with a wall of fear around us so thick no guy could ever get through.

Molloy's tactic for dealing with stringers before it's too late? Give yourself a six-month deadline.

"If he doesn't commit to you within six months, get rid of him."

You are also to pay no attention to his excuses nor when he tells you "it's too soon to discuss", that he doesn't know whether or not he likes you or he hasn't decided what he feels about you.

"He is likely to tell you anything that will get you to stick around without his needing to make a commitment. Don't fall for it. The chances a stringer will marry are very slim; he is simply not the marrying kind."

For many women, it's not that easy. Kids are involved and the fear of loneliness sets in and you're stuck with a stringer, hoping and praying you can be that special somebody who can make him commit.

Take Hollywood stringers Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp or Matthew McConaughey (whose motto for life is "Just Keep Livin' " - preferably without a ring on his finger), who are all ensconced in long-term relationships without any sign of taking the next step.

I imagine Molloy would love to get his hands on their women and tell them that they need to set a deadline. And that, if their man hasn't committed by the time it's up, his time should be up too and they should move on.

I wonder how his advice would truly go down with men like these who can have the pick of the female crop. Or with any man, for that matter. Books such as The Rules will tell you never to bring up commitment - unless your aim is to scare him away faster than a flying bouquet. And, according to a poll I conducted, most Australian men would never respond to an ultimatum, so women should just forget about the whole idea of giving them one.

Yet many women who've walked down the aisle tell me they never would have got into a white dress if they hadn't laid down an ultimatum to prevent a man from stringing them on for all eternity. So what's going on?

The other day, I interviewed a woman who recently got engaged after six years of being in a relationship. She explained that, after five years, her parents sat her boyfriend down and asked him what his intentions with their daughter were.

"Do you want to marry her, or not?" they said. He proposed six months later.

So was I dating a stringer? Of course it's easier to accept it all if you can blame the downfall of the relationship on his lack of commitment. But could it be that it was really me who was the stringer? I mean, I did want the whole white wedding and diamond ring and to spend the rest of my life with that one man … didn't I?

But before we accept Molloy's words of wisdom, perhaps we need to spend a bit more time on ourselves. Do we want to get hitched to him? Or do we just want to get hitched?

So if you're sure he's the one, perhaps you should listen to Molloy and set the clock ticking. He might run for the hills, but at least it clears out the weeds.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Sounds Of: Recycling the recyclables, would you date one?

There's a new type of bloke on the block who's getting single women's knickers all wound up. I'm not talking about the sleaze, the playboy or the womanizing wonder-man who has more notches on his belt than Tiger Woods. This new subset of men I've discovered are far less appealing and far more widespread. Introducing the recyclables: eligible single men who've already dated half your social circle and have warts-and-all horror stories being told about them all over town.

Like New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez. After being dumped by Madonna, he dated Hollywood actress Kate Hudson and is now frolicking about with Cameron Diaz. He is never seen in a tabloid without a pretty blonde as a handbag and a smirk on his face.

While I have no doubt this man is built like a Greek God and has more charms than a Pandora bracelet, is he seriously that good? Do these (hot) women feel that there are no other men to date other than someone their friend (and half of Hollywood) has already done the dirty with? Is he a master player who knows all the right things to say? Or is it simply a case that there's simply not enough men to go around so we are forced to recycle...?

While there's actually a psychological explanation behind this trend (which has nothing to do with the size of his biceps) which states that men who have dated or are dating extremely gorgeous women are a lot more appealing because they've already been "pre-approved", it doesn't make it any easier to find a man.

I discovered this first-hand the other night while out with a perpetually single girlfriend who has been on the dating scene for the past four years. I'm not quite sure what I expected, but it was definitely not the conversation that ensued.

"What about him?" I asked her, pointing at a cute guy in the corner of the bar. "Oh I've already dated him. He didn't bring his wallet out on TWO dates in a row! Oh, and he rocked up to a hike we were going on for our second date in jeans and loafers."
"What about that one?" I said, pointing to the next guy.
"Oh he's a psychopath. Definitely do not date him, he has issues. We've been on and off for years."
"And the next?"
"Oh yeah, he is cute. But he dated my friend for years and he's still pretty messed up about the whole thing."

Yeouch. While she seemed nonchalant about the whole notion of recyclables and treated it as just another obstacle in the ever-treacherous dating jungle, it got me wondering: is there anyone out there who hasn't bonked your best mate, your beautician or your next-door neighbour? Is anyone free of horror stories, dates gone wrong or a little black book fatter than Charlie Sheen's?

And when you do find a man without a past filled with people you know, are you worse off not being able to learn about his patterns or a warning as to how things are going to pan out ?

When the tables are flipped and the "recyclable" tag is slapped onto the fairer sex, it doesn't sit any better. In fact, many blokes I've spoken to find the thought of dating the same women as their mates mightily unappealing.

But back to the blokes. One man reckons that there are two types of single men: those who go for quantity and those who go for quality. He tells me that he's extremely picky and would never date anyone in an ex's social circle.

Listening to him, I start to change my tune and wonder if people who date only for quality, miss out on having all the fun. And I wonder if the recyclables are really the ones with the key to it all. Why not date as many people as possible and emerge from it knowing more about what you want, what you don't and with the knowledge that you're getting one step closer to finding The One?

But I also wonder if those who focus only on clocking up their numbers miss out on something real, true, special and intimate because they're too busy looking for their next quick sexual fix ...

What do you think?

Have a fabulous weekend and happy dating!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Jealous bitches: When friends get in the way of your love-life

I once dated a gent who we'll call Mr. Ex. When we were alone he was Mr Perfect who would call me his "Princess" and actually offered to watch the film Clueless on our first date. (Strange, but true.) The trouble, I soon discovered, was that when we were out with his mates, he'd smash beer cans on his head, act rough and aggressive, drink his weight in vodka and ignore me the entire evening. When I questioned his behaviour the following day, he explained that his mates didn't like it when he had a girlfriend so he pretended we weren't together when they're around. "During my last relationship, my girlfriend and I sat home every weekend on the couch," he told me. "I lost all the respect of my mates. It won't let ever happen again with anyone else. Including you" ...

I don't know what his friends were saying (I assume they were angry at him for missing PlayStation evenings and beer smashing competitions) but I've noticed something often goes awry when a singleton's best mate gets serious with a new partner.

Take the case of my friend Petra and her new boyfriend Will, whose best buddy acted liked a jealous ex-girlfriend. The closer her and Will became, the more clingy was his best buddy. He would call Will during a romantic dinner ("where the hell have you been all night man? Let's go clubbing."), during sex (yes, Will took the call) and first thing in the morning to make plans to go to the pub that evening.
"Imagine your supposed hot-red-lover answers a call from his best friend in the middle of a sex session and he says he'll call his mate back soon to spill the details?" Petra said. "What kind of a moron does that?"

But it's not only the men. Women too have been known to become extremely volatile when faced with a girlfriend who's recently found true love, gotten engaged (with a hot ring to trot) and is sending invitations to a fairytale wedding. Suddenly the knives come out, judgements are made and unsubstantiated claims are spread.
"He's not good enough for her," they spit. "They'll never last," they say. "It's all too soon - she should be enjoying her single life." Funnily enough these are the same friends who had sympathised with her previous break-up and promised her that Mr Right was right around the corner and kept the ice-cream coming.

My friends never liked Mr. Ex "He's a player," they'd say. "Dump him before it's too late," they'd beseech. I never wanted to believe them. And when reality hit me like a runaway train (I overhead one of his phone conversations with another woman), I thought they were right. And if I'd listened to them would that have saved me months of heartache, tears, pain and begging - for him to take me back? Perhaps.

Or perhaps the friends were wrong and it was my fault the relationship ended. Eight years on he's happily married with a child on the way. Maybe it was timing. Maybe we were incompatible. Maybe my mates were right and he was a player who's changed his ways. (Yes, it is possible.) I'll never know.
But what if your friends are just trying to sabotage your happy relationship just because they're miserable themselves?

While you might expect such malicious behaviour from a jaded ex-lover or a jilted former fling, the fact that your best mate might be doing it stealthily, yet steadily, is enough to make one cut down their Facebook friends and cancel the monthly girly catch-up. Because bitchy women are powerful creatures. And before you know it, you're fighting with your beau over nothing much but a bunch of ideas that some green-eyed monster has put inside your head.

And then you're right back to eating ice cream out the tub (or smashing beer cans on your head) while your supposed best mate puts on a sympathetic face but in reality is glad that they've got you all to themselves ...

Monday, May 24, 2010

The new female sport: talking about husband hunting

I'm not sure when husband hunting became a bona fide sport. But when biological clocks start to tick and loneliness sets in, the hunt begins. Clubs and pubs become a jungle of eligible males (or a string of disappointing dates) as women flash their assets and dart their eyes around in hopeful search of "the one".

But why? What's so great about getting married anyway?

According to authors Cynthia S. Smith and Hillary B. Smith of Why Women Shouldn't Marry: Being Single by Choice, the answer is not much.

"Why on earth should you allow a man to move in on you, bringing his demands and idiosyncrasies that force you to reshape your life into his image?" the authors And perhaps they have a point ...

When the book was released in 1988 it caused an outcry amongst conservative types. Now in re-release, it acts as a positive go-girl bible giving women a positive spin on their situation at a time when more women aren't exactly finding themselves with the fairytale ending they once envisioned.

The reason for all the fabulous unmarrieds swanning around? According to a recent British study, it's simply down to the fact that women are getting smarter, and the smarter a woman is, the less likely she is to get married. Yep, according to the survey carried out by the universities of Aberdeen, Bristol, Edinburgh and Glasgow, career women who are busy climbing the corporate ladder are increasingly not settling down.

Whether the reason is that the men they meet aren't interesting enough, or all the good ones are taken, married or gay, the authors won't allow women to blame their intelligence on their inability to find a man.

Instead their reasons run the gamut from the whole "soul mates" theory is actually a myth to their conclusion that single life is way better than having to deal with "no-one's needs but your own".

Perhaps the authors make a few good points in their 214-page anti-marriage manifesto. But either way the sad fact is that there are too many women who make it their life's aim to find a husband as soon as possible. And the men finding it all mightily unappealing.

Case in point is the other day when I met a guy in a bar who pointed out to me the husband hunting women in the room. You could see by their outfits, their body language and the way their eyes darted around the room in desperate search for "him" that they weren't just out to have a good time.

"I see these women everywhere I go," he told me. "They follow eligible men around the room with desperate eyes and it's blatantly obvious that they're sizing him up for potential husband material even before he's opened his mouth. Men are never going to respond to that."

He explained to me that in order to truly find a husband, the hunting needs to stop and women need to start to live a fulfilled life without a bloke by their side before one will become even remotely interested.

"What's so good about marriage anyway? If you ask me, "So many marrieds are so miserable. I'd rather be single."

Why women want to get married
Why women think of marriage so much more than men is one of life's greatest riddles. Perhaps it's thanks to the age-old belief that a man will be the one to rescue her, sweep her off her feet and provide, care and protect her and her offspring. Or perhaps it's as one bride-to-be described it to me the other day: "It's the one day in my entire life that I get to be the centre of attention and wear a beautiful white dress."

But she's also realistic about the meaning behind all the waltzing down the aisle. "It signifies the fact that we become a team," she says. "It means I'm no longer going at it alone in the world."

What do you think?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Why break-ups hurt so much

"He made my life hell."
"She killed my self esteem."
"He cheated on me. Twice!"
"She kicked me out of the apartment and threw my stuff out the window."
"He was mean to my dog."
"I want her back!"
"Why doesn't he want me back?"

We all know the feeling of being in the throes of a break-up and still clinging onto the past. But, in my own experiences of the brilliant break-up memoir Straight Up and Dirty, not getting over someone from your past is akin to carrying a corpse in the cargo of your boat while trying to reach a faraway destination.

So here's a quick question for readers: who here is carrying a corpse in their boat? Because, unfortunately, it doesn't matter what the other person did to piss you off or why the relationship ended, the fact is that, for some unknown reason, break-ups seems to hurt like a motherf---er, no matter whose fault it was. And suddenly the thought of letting go or moving on is a faraway dream akin to the invention of painless bikini waxes ...

For those who've never experienced the pain and anguish of a relationship gone sour, constant jabs, such as, "So, have the two of you spoken?", "Has he moved on without you?" and "I saw your ex out last night and it looked like your ex was on a date," mean that ditching the corpse is made a whole lot more difficult.

"Who gives a toss?" you desperately want to scream back. "I'm F-I-N-E without them, thank you very much." Which is why it's important to stick with those who've been through the same thing. They're the ones who know that the minute the corpse is dumped into the water, things will instantly go from choppy and unpredictable to happy and smooth sailing.

Of course everyone has their own recipe for successfully dumping the corpse and moving forward.

Revenge
Some say that revenge is the best policy. Seeing the other person suffer is mightily therapeutic and the best way to get the whole failed shebang out of your system, they say.

"I used to put chili in his underwear and let the dog lick his sandwiches," one scorned ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be a chef, told me recently.

"I still had her car keys and used to urinate in her car every time I drove past it," said a man who found out his ex-girlfriend was having an affair - mostly in the back of her car.

And a third said that the best revenge was looking hot and feeling great. "Nothing beats being able to turn your head and say 'I'm more desirable than you and you can't have me any more.' "

Get under another
Many believe that the only way to let go and get over one is to meet someone else and get under another. A newly married beautician said that she encourages all her newly heartbroken clients to try this method for getting rid of old feelings about an ex.

"Sex is the best way to get them out of your system and to start opening up your heart to someone new," she said. "That's how I did it. Yes, he might have been a rebound. But it eventually turned into something a lot more. And now I'm happily married with a child on the way." If only it were that simple.

Find yourself
While I'm not one to buy into New Age advice and self discovering processes, many say that a break-up gives you the chance to "find yourself", work on your inner core without distractions and to ascertain the meaning of your life while discovering exactly what you want out of your next relationship.

"I moved to the other side of the world, cut off all contact and made a new life for myself," one lawyer in his 30s told me the other night. "I made new friends, a new local coffee shop, a new world. It was the only way I could get her out of my system for good."

Of course all this is easier said than done. Because, when you're in the throes of a toxic break-up, nothing seems rational any more. You don't sleep, you lose weight, you party too hard, you eat too much, you sleep too late and then you wake up only to repeat the whole sordid process all over again, all the while spiralling downhill so fast, you don't even realise it yourself until you wake up one day and you've been repeating the pattern for the past 10 years.

So what's the answer?

"At least he wasn't Brad Pitt," I heard a woman tell her heartbroken friend the other day. Which, oddly enough, seemed to curb the crying woman's tears, even if just momentarily.

So what's the solution? Focus on yourself? Find another? Find another country to live in? I guess it's as they say: only time will heal the wounds. And, that's what I exactly I do to my own personal development.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The games men play

The other day a friend of mine whom we'll call Diana, met a man at a bar. He was cute, muscular and tanned. He told her he was a banker. He bought her a drink. They talked for hours. She felt a connection. When he rang her the next day, she was elated. They set a dinner date for a week later. After two days of riveting conversation, he said he had to see her that night. She was flattered. At the bar that night he said he had a confession to make. Dark thoughts ran rampant through her mind. Was he married? Was he gay? Did he have an STD?

"I'm not really a banker," he told her. "I'm in sales. Are you going to leave now?" She didn't. But she wasn't impressed either.

"What the hell is up with modern men and all their games?" she asked me the following day. "I mean seriously. Lying about their job to impress a woman? Is it now about the size of their career not their brain or their hands? What's the deal?"

Ask reader Kyle says that Diana isn't the only one getting duped by modern men pretending to be something they're not.

"I believe most men are not truthful about salaries or their position in companies," he tells me. "But that's not the only thing they're lying about. Men are lying about their past and even their current relationships. They are propping themselves up in the hope of impressing."

Kyle reckons that women don't do it as much as men because, quite frankly, they don't have to considering men are visual creatures and all. "We judge a woman by what we see, not what we hear."

Which is probably why so many men have long complained to me that, when they first meet a woman, they, too, find it difficult to ascertain the real her. They find it very difficult to deal with the real her when they wake up the following morning to find out the layers of fake tan, heavy make-up and high heels have all but been removed.

But, with the tables turning and the men putting on their manipulating faces, it's the women who are turning red-faced the following day. Unfortunately a myriad unsuspecting women believe the lies. Why? Because they have to. Because society says that a good man is hard to find. Because they fear there's a Man Drought that will hinder their chances of ever meeting "the one". As demographer Bernard Salt says to warn women from being too picky: the chance of meeting him is one in 100!

Yep, many women today are willing to believe anything that is dished out if it means she doesn't have to spend another lonely night watching Gossip Girl reruns and eating take-out for one.

So what exactly are the games being played by men?

In a book The Chase, a very real depiction of the games one man named Patrick was playing with a number of women. I was fascinated when he regaled me with his week-long dating diary and the reasoning behind his games, which went along these lines:

"Women think I'm an asshole because I don't text them back or take them out for dinner," he said. "But I've never lied to get a woman into bed. And I've never promised anything beyond that. I'm actually a really nice, honest guy."

Patrick's sexual schedule

Wednesday, 2pm: Meet Girl #1 walking on the street. She is gorgeous, 27. I put my number on her scooter. She calls later that day. I ask her for dinner on Friday night. She agrees.

Friday, 9pm: Take Girl #1 for dinner and drinks. I bump into Girl #2, who I had sex with last week, having dinner at same restaurant. I tell Girl #2 that I'm at a work dinner. She believes me. I go home and have sex with Girl #1.

Saturday, 10am: Wake up hung over. I kick out Girl #1. After she leaves, I call Girl #2 and she invites me to her place.

Saturday, 3pm: Watch a DVD at Girl #2's place. We have sex.

Saturday, 10pm: At the club I spot Girl #3. We have kissed before. She tells me she's there specifically to see me. We go to the bathroom together and she gives me a blow job. While she's doing it, she stops and tells me she's been thinking and she doesn't want to be like every other girl. I tell her she thinks too much. Shortly afterwards she leaves.

Sunday, 3am: Girl #4 is flirting with me at a club. She tells me she likes me. I ask her if she wants to get out of there. She obliges but says she doesn't want to have sex. Instead she asks me if I want to meet her for lunch the following day. I laugh and tell her I just want to spoon anyway, so we go back to her place. We spoon for two minutes and then we have sex.

Sunday, 11am: Wake up with a hang over in Girl #4's bed. I am desperate to get the hell out of there and go home to a warm shower and put on clean clothes.

Monday, noon: Wake up alone, satisfied and content. And then I find myself thinking about my ex-girlfriend - the one who was the love of my life. The one I dated for four years before all this nonsense. I wonder if we'll ever get back together.

Aside from all the dual-dating and fornicating, other games men play include the following:

The love god

He lays it on thick, heavy and filled with lust and promise, even though you met him only a couple of days ago. He tells you how much he's into you, that he's never met anyone like you and leaves you feeling dizzy with pheromones running through your veins. A month later ... and he's gone as quickly as he arrived. No goodbye email or post-it note in sight.

The commitment-phobe

He wants things to be as "casual" as possible. He never calls when he says he will. He's always mysterious as to his whereabouts and he seems to have as many girls on his speed dial as notches on his belt. He pulls you in and spits you out, while you are still under the pretence that you're going to be the one to change him for good. Newsflash: no woman ever will.

Mr Mind Games

Reader Elsie says he's the bloke who is "telling you one week that you are his 'girlfriend' and doing all 'girlfriend' stuff like attending family events etc, and then the next week taking it back saying they don't want to get 'too serious'. And then repeating the process all over again!"

Diana concurs, and says that this dude is a master at putting on the waiting game.
"No matter how keen he is to call you or see you, he will curb his enthusiasm when you are first dating." She also says that men play mind games because they feel "emotionally insecure". And with that, I think she's right on the money.

In conclusion, I leave you with this: it takes two people to play a game. Could it be that perhaps, at the end of the day, we're all just playing the game?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

No more sex!? Women are going out celibate and holding out for serious

Here's a news flash in case you missed it: Lady Gaga has quit having sex. "I'm celibate," she recently told Britain's Daily Mail. "Celibacy's fine." Her reason? Quite simply that she's single and so she doesn't feel the need to bonk a random for the sake of it. "It's OK not to have sex," she said, "It's OK to get to know people." Indeed it is. Yet, while her anti-sex declaration might seem at odds with her overtly sexual image, raunchy outfits and habit of gyrating on stage to lyrics so crude that some countries have blocked them from their airwaves, it seems she's not the only one going on a sexual diet.

Serial singletons the world over, who are tired of all the emotionless romps, seem no longer to enjoy casual sex, random encounters or drunken escapades in the name of a little "ooh ahh" as they once did. While it was once deemed to be "liberating", "empowering" and orgasmic to do the dirty with someone you just met at a bar, it has turned into Groundhog Day with forgotten names, awkward goodbyes and emergency STD tests the following day ...

That's why, along with Gaga, a coterie of women in New York City have decided to jump on the celibacy bandwagon. "No sex!" is their new motto, the New York Post newspaper reported. And leading the way is dating blogger Julia Allison, who, after being a serial dater for way too long, has decided to dump all dates and sex for as long as it takes.

She writes in Lifecast on NonSociety.com that it took cancelling four dates with three guys to realise that there was a reason she kept not wanting to go out. "It had nothing to do with the men themselves ... Honestly, sometimes a girl just needs a break."

But, said the Post, if you thought that holding off was hard in your city, try saying no in New York where "men declare frustration over having to wait more than one date for sex" and where "hooking up is as simple as waiting for a train. Or showing up for a job interview." Yeouch.

Yet it seems that, where there's a celibate will, there's a way. So said a woman by the name of Hephzibah Anderson, who decided to go sex-free for a year after spotting her ex-boyfriend coming out of a jewellery store with a hot blonde.
She chronicled her sexless journey in a book titled Chastened: No More Sex in the City and said that, without sex, men began to treat her differently. Instead of the blokes getting turned off, she received flowers, offers of home-cooked dinners and plenty of romantic gestures.

"At other moments during the year, men offered to carry me over puddles, and sent me poetic emails. I even received a marriage proposal - a jokey one, but still, it was a first."

No wonder she found herself wondering: "Were our grandmothers on to something when they held out in order to coax men into wooing and even wedding them?" Perhaps they were. Sex as a bargaining chip? Maybe not such a bad idea after all.
Anderson also says there was a shift in the type of men she was attracting.

"Because sex was out of the question, I wanted someone I could talk to. Instead of flirtatiousness, I looked for unglamorous traits like loyalty and kindness," she writes.

While she admits there were moments of intense "physical longing" during her chaste year, she realised it wasn't for sex, but "for companionship, affection, the joy of knowing that you've found someone to accompany you through life".

Her ending? You'll have to read the book to find out. But, either way, her story, Gaga and the New York women have got me wondering: is having no sex such a bad idea?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Things I wish I knew before I got married

Last week, there was a hullabaloo over a recent study of women in their 20s carried out by More magazine, which discovered that women believe the ideal age to get married is 26. (Say what!?) And after a quick nip over at Google, it seems that everyone from 17-year-old Miley Cyrus to 29-year-old Kim Kardashian to the average working girl is desperate to tie the knot. Many women I speak to make no secret of the fact that they are on the perpetual hunt for "the one". Cries of "I just want to meet my husband!" can be heard ricocheting across the office water cooler as single girls band together in search of the bloke who's going to buy them a diamond and say his "I dos" sooner rather than later.

But over on the other side of the nuptial coin, bitter marrieds and jaded spouses are grappling with another conundrum: how to deal with a marriage that doesn't seem to be all chocolate dipped strawberries ...
"If only I'd known ... " they say with a sigh. Well, yes. But if only they'd known what?
I decided to poll a bunch of marrieds and singles to determine what they'd wish they'd known before accepting the ring, waltzing down the aisle in a sparkling white dress and declaring they were going to be with one person for the rest of eternity.
Their responses ranged from "I wish I'd known how much money she was going to take when we got a divorce" to "I wish I'd known how bad the sex was going to be" to "I should have done it sooner!" Hmm. Talk about mixed messages.
To get more of an understanding about what are the most important things we should have known before tying the knot, I reviewed a psychologist John Aiken, author of Accidentally Single.
These were his his insights:

You need to find yourself before you tie the knot
"Finding yourself means learning to be the person you want to be rather than what you think your partner wants you to be. That means being able to have independent friends and interests, being comfortable saying 'no' and expressing differing opinions, being honest with your emotions and continuing to pursue your own goals and dreams."

Don't expect they will change
"Expecting change in your partner is a hazardous position to come from. It suggests that the person you're with needs ongoing work to fall into line with your expectations. Instead, it's better to embrace the other person and all their quirks and work together as a team. If change does happen, then it's a bonus."

Be open about money
"Trying to protect your finances from your partner creates separation, resentment and secrets. Instead, it's vital to be transparent and honest with all your money, get on the same page about financial goals, and spoil each other when you get the chance!"

Be prepared for kids changing everything
"Having kids changes the way you relate to the world around you. It means joining a parents' club and getting advice and help from total strangers, getting smiles from parents/grandparents of all ages, being seen as safe and trustworthy by members of the opposite sex, knowing how to talk to kids on the bus that you've previously avoided, helping young parents on planes with their difficult children, working a full day on two hours' sleep, and spending hours of the day looking at your newborn!"

Don't let yourself go
"Neglecting your health and appearance means letting go of trying to keep the spark alive in your relationship. Instead, make a point of keeping in great shape, wear the clothes that turn your partner on, avoid binge drinking and partying too hard, put down the burger and fries and do some exercise. You have to work to keep your partner turned on and excited, regardless of how long you've been with them!"

The perfect marriage age (if there is such thing!)
Just in case you think you desperately need to tie the knot before you reach your 30th birthday, New York-based dating writer Vonda G. Nelson has come up with 30 good reasons as to why it's not a good idea to get hitched before you reach the dirty thirties.
Her reasons include giving yourself "time to grow" and says that "before turning 30, living life in your 20s allows you to know you. Your likes, dislikes, desires, passions, everything that makes you the mature man or woman. So that when you do enter a relationship, you enter one that allows you to be true to you as well as your partner, making your relationship less stressful and life more relaxing."
She also advises finding a stable job, doing loads of travelling and enjoying the single life. But she warns against wasting too much time sowing your wild oats with loads of casual sex and amorous nights out.

"You shouldn't be having unprotected sex with someone who isn't marriage material ... yeah yeah yeah ... it happens to all of us, but be on top of your game and try not to slip up! Soon you will be wondering; how in the hell did I get caught up in this, I didn't sign up for this, I was suppose to be having fun, now you are miserable, broke and only 25."
Enough said...

Married and wanting to have an affair, a little excitement

"Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?" A girlfriend whispered the question to me the other day while we sat idly waiting for a bride and groom to walk down the aisle at a wedding reception. The couple, who were about to say their "I dos", are so sickly in love it's enough to make one want to gag - especially someone fresh from a break-up like my friend. Now she was wondering whether or not she should even entertain the idea of dating a man who had cheated on his last girlfriend. Personally, I wasn't so sure. If someone can do it once, will they do it again? Or was the whole cheating escapade just a symptom of a bad relationship? And if so, will a good relationship prevent him from giving into temptation the next time around?

Professor of Psychology John Buri writes in Psychology Today magazine that it all depends on the type of affair taking place. He reckons there are four types of affairs, all with different reasons and consequences ...

"It's just sex"
For men, this type of affair is all about sex and ego. For women, it's all about power. Either way, for either gender, the same cliched excuse is used: "But it was just sex!" While the excuse might be a little more appropriate for the men (considering men have a better ability to separate sex from love), Buri calls female philanders "spider women" and warns all men to stay far, far away from their dangerous webs. "Recall what female spiders do with their mates once they are done with them," he warns men. Enough said ...

The mistress infidelity
Mistresses abound, from the news to the neighbours, with reasons stretching from not getting enough sex in their current relationship to feeling undervalued, not appreciated, resentful, addicted to sex or simply being bored. Most interesting to me is the example of a man who recently told me he was a male mistress to a married woman. While he knew she was deeply in love with her husband, she still craved some excitement and he was able to give it to her.
As for who is to blame, he said this: "I just flirt with everyone. And when I flirted with her, she did the only thing women need to do: she said 'yes'."

Accidental affairs
You know the deal: you're out with friends or you're away on holiday, you have too much sangria and suddenly you're rolling around in a bungalow with your pants around your ankles doing the dirty with someone other than your partner.
"It just happened!" you might protest. "But I don't have any feelings for them whatsoever!" Right. So is it still wrong? And why does it happen? Buri claims that these sorts of affairs can happen whether you're in a good relationship or a bad - it's about how much the other person is willing to overlook. Unfortunately once accidental sex occurs, it's pretty difficult to ever trust your partner being out of your sight again.

Falling in love with someone else
While both men and women can be prone to falling in love with someone else while they're married, it's been found to be a far more common issue for women. She meets someone else, he gives her more attention, affection, sex and security than her current partner; her ego is fed oodles of confidence and she ends up falling in love (or lust) with the dude who may or may not be doing it all for the right reasons. But she still fears ending her current relationship (whether because she has kids with him, a mortgage together - whatever) so she engages in two relationship side-by-side for as long as she can stand it. And in the end, everyone gets hurt.

What causes an affair?
All this leads me to my next question: do bad marriages cause an affair? Or do affairs cause bad marriages?
Rielle Hunter, the mistress of former US senator John Edwards and mother of his love child, believes that it's not the affair itself that shakes up a marriage, but a bad marriage that causes the affair.

"It is not my experience that a third party wrecks a home," she told Oprah Winfrey during a recent tell-all interview. "I believe the problems exist before a third party comes into the picture."
In one fell swoop, Hunter managed to wash her hands of her place in the affair and simply put it down to the fact that his marriage wasn't working so he was entitled to it all. She disregarded the fact that she stuck her claws into the heart of a married man. Cue the spider metaphor.
Now that Hunter believes she and "Johnny" (as she likes to call him) are so in love, does that mean he won't cheat on her with someone else? Is once a cheater, always a cheater?
Only time will tell...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why women want love and men need sex?

There's a man I know; let's call him Jayson. Over the years he's learnt that, to get what he wants - regular sex from a woman - he has to form some sort of a "relationship". And so he fakes one. Or two. Or five. All at once. He manipulates women into thinking that he is the perfect man by wining, dining and treating them with the perfect blend of chivalry and bad-boy-turned-good persona.

"I've changed," he purrs lovingly to each and every one of them. "And you've been the one to change me." Cue female hearts melting, skirts lifting and hearts breaking.

Jayson doesn't rush these women. Oh no. He moves slowly and stealthily, knowing very well that slow and steady wins the race. Or at least another blow job.

"Wow, he's waited so long!" the unsuspecting women say, clapping their hands in glee, imagining themselves walking down the aisle and what their babies might looks like.

"He must really like me!" Or worst of all; "I think I might have finally found 'the one'!". And so they succumb to sleeping with him. And he laughs smugly to himself when another one bites the dust ...

Jayson is not one of a kind. There are thousands of Pauls trawling nightclubs and bars, searching for unsuspecting female victims on the hunt for a boyfriend, a husband or a part-time ATM. They can pick their prey instantly, know just how to dupe them and then how to toss them aside like a used piece of gum. We like to call him the Manipulative Man.

Then there's Erik, also known as The Player. He meets a girl, buys her a drink and invites her back to his place. He tells her he's never met anyone like her, opens up about his childhood "issues" and before either of them know it, her legs are in the air and she's cooking him eggs and bacon in the morning. All it cost him was a $12 cocktail and a ride home in the morning ... if she's lucky.

My point? That we all need to be a little more aware of the fact that sometimes men want sex (and will do or say anything to get it) and women want relationships (and will do or believe anything if they think one is on the horizon).

While the sexually liberated among you might throw up your hands in protest and declare that not all women want a relationship, it's actually been statistically proven.

A study carried out by James Madison University and published in the journal Sex Roles, discovered that most women do want a relationship and no matter how sexually liberated they are, still fear that casual sex will lead them to become emotionally attached to the dude they've just bonked. Only a measly 2 per cent of women said they strongly preferred hooking up to a relationship, while 17 per cent of men preferred casual sex over the whole wining and dining shebang. (By my reckoning, the stat is way higher for the men, I'm just not sure too many would admit it for reasons outlined above.)

The reason for the stats being this way is in the biological make-up of the sexes. Men physically need a "release" due to the build-up of semen in their testes, which then tells their brain that they need sexual satisfaction in order to release it ... and fast.

Women, on the other hand, are biologically wired to be more picky about what they do with whom. After all, sex is a big investment for gals because it can lead to nine months of pregnancy and 18 years of child-rearing. Combined with the fact that women's brains don't tell them they need a physical release every 24 to 48 hours, and it's obvious why a relationship is more appealing than just a one-night stand.

Of course we can always ignore stats and biology and surmise that not all men want sex. That it's simply a case of the media, men's magazines and the sex trade giving us false impressions that macho men are incapable of love and feelings and commitment and companionship. But, as a single girl, when all you meet out and about are Pauls and Erics, it's tough to comprehend that there are any men who think differently. Or perhaps we just don't know where to find them ...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Would you fake an orgasm to please your partner?

In their co-written blog for The New York Times, one of their most recent entries raises the question, "Who's more likely to fake it in the bedroom?"

While Meg Ryan's character in the infamous film When Harry Met Sally says that "most women at one time or another have faked it", (yet funnily enough most men I ask claim a woman has never faked it with them), the authors cite a survey which claims that faking it might not be relegated to just the female domain. (And incase you're wondering, men do indeed fake it from time to time. Condoms can easily hide their orgasm truth while excuses range from being on anti-depressents to "it was a small one".)

According to the survey's creator, orgasm guru Hugo M. Mialon, (he did a dissertation paper on the topic called "The Economics of Faking Ecstasy"), the more "in love" a couple is, the more chance either of them will be faking it at one time or another.

Mialon writes:

"To the extent that the sender and receiver care for each other, the receiver does not like it when the sender has to incur a cost of faking, and the sender likes it when the receiver enjoys the sender's moaning. Moreover, to the extent that the sender and receiver have a demand for togetherness, the sender does not mind as much if the receiver is mistakenly confident (feeling worthy), and the receiver does not mind as much if he or she is mistakenly confident (not recoiling)."


In other words, the more a couple care about each other's feelings, the more likely they are to tell a little white lie in order to give their partner's ego a boost. And it's the women (no surprise here) who are doing most of the faking with about 72 per cent of them admitting they've recently faked it in their current or most recent relationship.

Yet all this faking might not actually be the woman's fault either. Rather, it might be her age that is to blame. Mialon says that considering women peak sexually at 30, at any other age women are more likely to need to fake it since they're not that sexually awakened. (Sorry, gents, but there goes the theory that younger girls or cougars are better in the sack!)

In order to gain a little more perspective on the subject, I decided to take an unofficial poll on the matter of the Big O.

Lucy claimed that there's no way a woman should fake it "because if your man doesn't know what he's doing, why congratulate him? What for? Better only to react with sincerity so he knows what buttons to push next time."

David says the words "fake" and "love" should never be used in the same sentence and says he knows examples of both sexes faking it "and the relationship is hollow or over".

And Brooke disses the age theory, saying that the older one gets, the less likely she is to lie about such things.

"It's better to tell a man that it doesn't happen every time but it's the act, not the end that counts." All this left me wondering: if women are faking it to make men happy, would men rather them tell the truth? And could men really handle the truth if women did?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Do women actually have dating or need to have "Checklists"?

Elin Nordegren was an idiot not to have had what she dubs the "husband checklist".

Watson cites author Lori Gottlieb who says in her tome, Marry Him: The Case for Settling For Mr Good Enough, that we should just "settle" rather than have too many expectations. She also quotes author Joanna Trollope who writes, "People have to throw away this absurd Vera Wang shopping list which says of a man that he has to earn £100,000 a year, that he has to be able to cut down a tree, play the Spanish guitar, make love all night and cook me a cheese souffle." However, Watson says women actually need to have a list of rigid rules if they want to find happiness in the long run ...

Watson says the list must comprise the following stringent criteria: the man must "genuinely like women", have some male friends from way back, be kind, not be gay, be capable of "equating love with responsibility", have passion, pride and the same attitude to sex, money and family as you. She also says that "infidelity is not a deal-breaker for everyone" but says "being willing to sell your last ounce of self-respect definitely is".

Watson's article reminded me of some advice imparted by Father Pat Connor, who was introduced to us via Maureen Dowd of The New York Times in a story titled "An Ideal Husband". In the story, Dowd explained that Australian-born Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest, had been giving lectures to women about whom not to marry for the past 40 years. Since then Connor's advice has ricocheted through single female circles faster than a new type of painless bikini wax.

Now he's released a book on the subject, titled Whom Not To Marry, which tells women how to weed out the bad seeds and know a good one when they see it. While Connor agrees with Watson on some points, (for instance, "never marry a man with no friends"), he also says that one should never marry a man who makes you feel bad about yourself, cannot say "I love you", doesn't know how to hold down a job and who is cruel - either emotionally or physically.

He also says that couples who marry for less than ideal reasons are in trouble. "Marriage is like a cafeteria," he writes. "You take what looks good to you and pay for it later."

When women ask me how to find the perfect man, I often find myself agreeing with Watson and Connor and exclaiming that they should create a list: a list of the qualities they would like to see in their man. Yet I always tell them that I need to see the list before they print it off, stick it under their pillow or put it on their mirror and ruminate over it each day.

What I find on that list usually astounds the hell out of me.

Common "shopping list" criteria include something to do with his height, his looks, his bank balance and their sexual compatibility.

"You need to focus on his qualities and his character," I say, mentally ripping their list to shreds and shoving it down the incinerator. "Start again. Did you really dump your last boyfriend because he was too tall for you? I think not."

By the time the women are finished with their list, they usually contain words such as kind, generous, good job, a certain height, likes to go out and is outdoorsy.

The trouble with "the list" is that it sounds rather like my ex-boyfriend. And a whole lot of ex-boyfriends out there. Because, in reality, there's no such thing as a boyfriend on paper. All sorts of other criteria come into play when prince charming emerges in the flesh. Such as love, mutual respect, connection and chemistry. And unfortunately you can't define chemistry on paper ...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Whose fault is an affair?

Disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer is in the news yet again. In case you missed it, he gave me plenty of fodder for this column a while back when it was discovered and reported by The New York Times that, behind his wife's back, he was bonking thousand-dollar call girls who were part of a prostitution service called the Emperors Club VIP.

The game was up (along with Spitzer's career) when police uncovered the illegal goings-on of the prostitution ring, not to mention Spitzer's multiple meetings with his favourite conquest, known as "Kristen".

"Kristen" was later discovered to be 22-year-old Ashley Dupre who has since gone on to release a music single, posed for Playboy and is now the writer of her very own sex column with the New York Post titled "Ask Ashley". (Geez, is this what it takes to become a "dating expert" these days?)

Now, thanks to author Peter Elkind, comes the book exposing everything that went on behind the sordid scenes. In Rough Justice: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer, Elkind claims that Spitzer's wife recently came out and said that the affairs might have been her fault after all. "The wife is supposed to take care of the sex. This is my failing; I wasn't adequate," he quotes her as saying.

Wasn't adequate? So it's her fault her husband had an affair with a hooker? For real?

While her behaviour is reminiscent of the character played by Julianna Margulies in the television show The Good Wife, (and apparently the series is loosely based on her story), I can't help but wonder if she's wrongfully taking the blame on this one. Are the wives really to blame for this sort of behaviour? Did she really fall short by not giving him enough horizontal hanky panky in the bedroom so that he felt the need to entertain prostitutes and call girls on a regular basis? I think not.

I remember a number of radio interviews during the time it emerged that Sandra Bullock's heavily tattooed husband Jesse James had been doing the dirty behind her back.

While they seemed to have a picture-perfect marriage, it suddenly emerged (only a few days after her Oscar win, mind you), that he'd been having numerous affairs with women you wouldn't like your worst enemy to be associated with. While I never claimed it was anything to do with Bullock's lack of prowess in the bedroom (rather a confused, sex addicted husband who didn't realise a good thing when he had it), I recall a number of radio interviewers instantly taking the stance that it should never be blamed on the wife but solely on the philandering man. And I wholeheartedly concur.

No one asks to be cheated on, or to go through the embarrassing and gut-wrenching rigmarole of having your husband's infidelities splashed across the world's media. But then to be blamed for it? A rather preposterous notion, if you ask me.

Elkind seems to agree too, citing the reason for Spitzer's transgressions as his simple (albeit rather twisted) "need" for women for hire. He writes: "There at his call, dismissed when he was done, making no demands other than payment - provided an elegant solution."

Elegant? I think not.

There's nothing elegant about paying for sex behind your partner's back. Sure, if you have an agreement that such goings on can indeed take place, then good luck to you. But if you don't - and you get caught, I think there's any other word for it but elegant ...